Tonight I am going to my first formal, which BTW I am really excited about. Anyway I am also going with one of my flatmates who is not only really friendly but she is also really beautiful. So although our going together is actually more circumstance than anything else I am going to make a bold move and ask her out on a real date tonight. Now for those of you who do not know me, which is pretty much all of you, I am not well versed in the dating department. Most of the time I chicken out or making some useless attempt but no more shall I do this. I am going to grab the bull by the horns and actually try my hardest to make this work. I’ll probably make an arse of myself but at least I’ll know this time that I did what I could. And besides, it’s about time I did something daring.
So pull up a chair if you want. I’ll keep you posted if and when something happens or, most likely, you’ll witness a fabulous rejection and emotional breakdown.
----This just in. As I am writing she has just told me that she might not make it after all. Well…not the start I was looking for. We’ll see how this develops.
Cute Flatmate (as she will be called now) is able to go now. I’m like “Yay!” in my head. So we go to the meeting place, get ferried to the showground. The place is all kitted out and looks fabulous. So I buy her a drink, get some wine to go with our meals and we wait for the place to fill up. She’s starts out very quiet. “Uh oh” I think, “Have I done something wrong?” I spark up some conversation, more people arrive, and things start to look up. I’m having a great time and I’m all excited and talkative because it’s my first formal ever and I’m feeling good. We have some dinner. It’s crap to say the least but we finish off the wine and I won’t let it ruin the evening. I buy Cute Flatmate another drink (I was in a really generous mood) and after that the whole table (about 8 of us) move onto the dance floor. So we’re dancing away on our collectives owns and I ask her if she wants to dance with me. Cute Flatmate declines. Oh well. Still having a good time. Evening goes on. At about 1 o’clock we’re standing outside waiting for the ride home. We’re all buzzing from the alcohol, I give my jacket because she’s cold. We get home I have my jacket back now because she says she doesn’t need it just to hop down to our court. “Fair enough” I think. We get into the apartment and a few people are still up. We start talking, she make us both some scrambled eggs on toast. By the time we finish we are on our own, finishing up our conversation. The time has come, I have to ask her now or I lose all hope of ever having confidence with a girl. So I ask if she would like to go out on a date, just between friends if she wants. My heart flutters…I wait anxiously…
…
…
…Cute Flatmate says no. She says she’s really flattered but she would want any awkwardness between us, living together an’ all, if we got involved and broke up. I say fair enough and we both go to bed. So I’m sitting on my bed, thinking what an idiot I am for believing I had a chance. But a minute flicker of courage remains inside me, probably due to the alcohol. “I can’t just quit at the first hurdle.” I think, “One more try.” I stand up and take a couple of steps to my door. I try and think of the words I am going to say. I quietly open my door, hers is straight in front of me. Heart starts to pace, I try to remember the words. I take another cautious step. I’m right in front of her door. Heart beats faster, I forget the words again. I raise my hand to knock, knuckles inches from the door and I’m froze there looking like a real prat. Somehow I instinctively knock. I hear her say “One minute”. A short panic ensues and I consider rushing back into my room and hiding. No such luck. She opens the door and I ask her again and say that it only has to be one date, and then we can both find out if it would be worth taking the relationship further. And at least then we (or rather I) wouldn’t wonder “What if?” She gives me a look of disappointment, more rejection ensues and I go to bed feeling very inadequate and alone.
But oh well, I had a great night and even though it was just as friends, going out with Cute Flatmate was a blast. I can say without a doubt that my first formal was a memorable one and even though I fail what I set out to do I so proud of myself for actually trying it. So that’s it for now I guess… hope I wasn’t too much of a awful show.
“Faint heart never won fair lady”. Well done for trying, anyway. I was in a similar situation when younger. I did the old dithering in the hallway, then returning to ask her again. It was excruciatingly embarrassing when she turned me down, but I would have kicked myself for not trying. Years later she told me she had had kinky dreams about me all that night. But not in real life, dammit! Plenty more fish in the sea and so on. Try not to be awkward around her.
Here’s the thing: you asked and she said no. But asking at least gave you that shot. If you hadn’t even asked, it definitely wouldn’t have happened. Plus, being bold about it once might make it easier to be bold the next time, too. And next time, the answer might not be no.
Sorry she turned you down (although unfortunately, I must say that the signs she was giving throughout the evening indicated that was the way it was headed), but kudos to you for asking anyway, it took guts.
I hope that having had the guts to ask Cute Flatmate, and surviving rejection, will have given you the courage to go out into the world and be rejected by…um, i mean ask out!..more cute girls, because most certainly some will say Yes, Please!
And when some say No, Thank You, you know that you can handle it and move on.
What I’m saying is, please don’t dwell on C.F. turning you down. You gained a new skill last night. Go put it to use!
Actually, with hindsight, I think I finally understand that I am unattractive to the opposite sex. Obviously right now I’m just feeling bad for myself and so forth. But the fact that this is how I knew it would turn out, how it always would turn out at any moment in my life and now it has been proven, in the flesh, I figure I should just stop trying. But then I’ve only had a day to think.
Was this your first time asking anyone out? If so, I’d say it proves nothing at all. I completely understand needing time to recover from rejection, but there’s no good reason to give up on dating entirely. I’m full of good advice if you want it, but I’ll not be pushy about it.
(Also, if all you ever tell yourself is negative things, that’s all you’re ever going to be comfortable with from both you and others.)
Nonsense! You may well be unattractive to some members of the opposite sex, but different women like different things. I mean, I’m a prime example: back when I was single, a lot of guys didn’t like me, because I’m what you might call “Super Size”. So I didn’t go after those guys, I went after the ones that weren’t bothered by that, and were willing to see what I was really like. I’m still pretty durned large, but have been happily settled down for 20 years, married for 16 of those. At any point when I was young, I could’ve said “Obviously, I’m not attractive to members of the opposite sex” and given up. But I didn’t. I knew I had a lot of good qualities, and that someone I liked would eventually see them. But I never would have found my wonderful husband if I’d just given up! You shouldn’t give up, either!
You most definitely did not fail in what you set out to do. You planned to ask her out and that you did. Her actions were not under your control. But you did succeed at your planned action.
Oh, and btw, the only thing you’ve proven is that this particular girl doesn’t want to go out with you under the circumstances. There are other girls who don’t share a flat with you. And everybody has different tastes. You’ll likely find one (or more) who likes the guy you are. But not if you quit trying now.
HUGE victory on your part, NT - the asking is key, because everything that is important in life is scary and takes practice. Being told “no” is a completely different issue.
It sounds like you feel good about that - please hold onto that and be ready to ask someone else out again.
Now - the second issue: what can you learn from this experience to increase your chances next time (either with CF or another girl)? Well, you mention that you have decided that you are unattractive, but it may be something else. We are usually our own worst critics - we don’t know how we look to someone else.
My idea? Ask Cute Flatmate. Something along the lines of: “Okay - I fully and completely understand that I asked and you said no - I get it. I also want to learn so I can do better next I ask a girl out. If you had to pick the top 3 things I needed to improve, what would they be? Hygiene? Conversation? Clothes? Lose weight? Anything - this is for my own good and I can take it. I would appreciate your honest opinion.”
She seems basically nice and thoughtful; she might have good insights. Worth a try…
Oh, don’t worry much about what I said. I have a habit of overexaggerating…well everything. This is my way of dealing with things. If something doesn’t go my way I just decide to cut myself away from it completely. Then I realise going cold turkey sucks and just in time for my next chance. It’s an endless cycle I’ve grown accustomed to. I am quite chuffed that I managed to ask CF so quickly. I have asked girls out before (to the same end) but it took months of building up my courage. It must be something in the water here. Or the alcohol.
Anyway, we’re still pretty good friends and maybe something will happen later on. The ball is in her court now and if she makes a move I am more than happy to reciprocate.
Thanks all for your support and kind words. It does really mean a lot. And as for this:
Be careful with a “vulnerable” man like myself…I might get the wrong idea.
BTW, your b/f isn’t the strong, jealous type is he? :eek:
It sounds like a good idea in principle, I mean who better to ask than the person you are trying to impress. But in reality I would probably find it really embarrassing. I have a few girl “friends”, just not girlfriends. They would probably be more suitable to turn to. But then once I get to know CF even more maybe she could be that girl. Also if there is one thing that I have learnt from my friends it is that playing matchmaker can be as bad as being the matchmaked. Matchmakee?
You get what I’m trying to say. The third wheel is uncomfortable for anyone.
You know what? Relationships make my head spin.
Well…not the start I was looking for. We’ll see how this develops.
(Just don’t tell my b/f 
