All right, it’s going to be four long days to vainly attempt to shake off the mental burden of recent events, so let’s begin with that glitzy annual tradition, the Macy’s Thanksgiving D…
[Sees that the streets are darkened. Sees that the sky is white. Sees a subtle but unmistakable spatter pattern on the camera lens.]
No…no…no! NO! GODDAMMIT! 
All right…bit of background. I live in Hawaii (as you may have guessed from my icon and the dozens of times I mentioned it in previous posts). It is a chain of islands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Because of this the weather has always been unpredictable, which has only been further exacerbated by the effects of global warming. We get sun, we get sprinkles, we get showers, we get torrential downpours, we get little breezes, we get gusts, we get gales. All year round. The really big wet weather usually starts around November when the cold fronts start coming in; that’s when we need to start using electric water heaters due to long stretches of overcast days. We deal with it. If we have a special event like an outdoor wedding which requires nice weather on one specific day, we consult forecasts, pick a day, and hope for the best. If our job requires nice weather, such as landscaper or road worker, we reschedule rainouts. If there’s a game or event that has to happen one very specific day and the weather doesn’t cooperate, we play through it.
And we’re just common, workaday, meat ‘n potatoes folks. If you’re a performer brought on for a prestigious event with thousands of live spectators and millions watching at home that has to happen on one very specific day…like, say, the opening ceremony for the Summer Olympics…and the weather doesn’t cooperate, you absolutely play through it. The show must go on! Given that these are outdoor events, there’s always going to be wind, flying animals, the random leaf or bit of debris blowing around, humidity, etc., so why let rain stymie you?
So it really makes zero sense, and is in fact supremely annoying, to see the vacuum’s at NBC act like a goddam earthquake hit every time there’s a bit of rain. It wasn’t even that much! Drizzles! That’s practically beach volleyball weather in Hawaii! The performers didn’t seem to be bothered by it! And yet we need the constant mentioning, mentioning, mentioning of the weather, the endless frantic assurances, the borderline hysteria…gaaaah. 
On top of that, given that this was an NBC program, the staff felt compelled to America’s Got Talent-ize it to the hilt, with terrible jokes and annoying banter and endless questions to the peanut gallery. Seriously, when Al Roker is the voice of reason, there’s a problem.
Haah…deep breaths. Deep breaths. I can do this.
Ease On Down The Road by Billy Porter - Good song. I especially liked that Porter wore an oversized fedora and eyeshadow, thus reaffirming that no matter who controls the federal government, artists are going to put on whatever the hell looks they want. 
Bonus points for the stilt walkers who had zero problem with the wet street.
Tom Turkey. Always a classic.
Hell’s Kitchen…the hit new Broadway play, not the tired old Gordon Ramsay vehicle. Suitably colorful, energetic, and uplifting. Big like! Well, except for the goddam crowd shots, because even professional theater performers who will get a big moment on free TV just this once, ever, NBC feels the need to constantly break the flow of their performance. Cripes, there were like four of them during this one number! 
I swear it wasn’t like this just one year ago! On the plus side, I just learned that that you can say “pissed” in a major family event running on daytime national television and no one will have a problem with it. Good to know. 
Minnie Mouse. I dunno, she seemed bigger in Wednesday’s preview.
Circus Vasquez. Essentially a physical-performers-on-AGT sampler platter. Just a small taste, but fun.
Death Becomes Her. Not a big fan of “Disney villain”-style songs, but this was pretty nice. The men were all wearing either dresses or leotards, which of course is yet another middle finger to the incoming administration. I’m actually starting to get some hope for this country again. 
Very brief shots of Ronald McDonald, Dora The Explorer, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and one of the Minions, interspersed with an interrogation of some random nobody in the stands.
The Outsiders. A bunch of youngsters in oldschool street clothes doing a piano/violin rock number. And some rolling tires. Good fun. Not sure exactly which time period is represented here (I did hear “1967” in the lyrics), but there were four gals dressed like swing dancers, one of whom was, in fact, turned upside-down, so yeah, big thumbs-up. 
Spongebob Squarepants, and an interogatee points out that Broadway does use simulated rain when needed, which means they’re used to it and please please please shut up about it. 
Then a couple of NYPD cops, who undoubtedly feel weird being on the receiving end of a third degree.
(Goddesses, are we really almost an hour in now?)
Confetti drop. NYPD motorcycle unit. I think I saw a bunch of cheerleaders, but it was like four seconds. Turkey dancers strutting their stuff. Another shot of Tom Turkey. Macy’s Great American Marching Band. Don’t recognize the song, but it’s not nativist schlock so I give it a pass. Another shot of Minnie. Is it just me or is the pacing really off right now? (Hey, check out what I saw last year and judge for yourself.) Then a big split-screen of the MGAMB, marchers in baby block costumes, a blue dog mascot I don’t recognize, and a Countdown To Santa at a shade under 2:25. Sheesh, I’d been screaming for split screen in Team Ninja Warrior and American Ninja Warrior Junior forever, and NBC finally decides to implement it in a parade? 
Blink-and-you-missed it shots of a big panda and Goku. Explanation of the Countdown to Santa clock.
Sing a Song by the Sesame Street cast - No children and completely tired of The Carpenters, so I’m skipping this.
Indigenous Enterprise (First Nations people representation) doing a powwow - You know what, I’m not even going to bother snarking anymore. If being paraded in front of a gaggle of big city gawkers one day a year is the only visibility you ever get and you decide to just make the most of it, fine by me. Pretty impressive the moves they’re able to do in such elaborate costumes, at any rate!
Some banana costume actors accompanying the Minion float…name’s Stuart/Stewart. The cyclops with the goggle. Then Cole Escola on a giant flamingo; apparently he’s also a Broadway actor. Then the Bronx Zoo, as mentioned on that one episode of The Critic (Hey, I get my references where I can!), accompanied by stiltwalkers in animal costumes who have no trouble whatsoever with the wet road.
Idina Menzel, from something called “Redwood”. Pop. Take it or leave it.
Anthropomorphic bowling pins plugging gobowling.com. No, really! 
(Not sure if a giant wooden puppet float is the best representation of a bowling ball, but work with what you got, I guess.)
Marching Buccaneers doing Happy Together. I’ve long since given up expecting anything even remotely appropriate to anything from any of these bands, so my only concern is if they hit the notes, which they all did. 
(Nice songleaders!)
The usual entry from Wonder Bread, and then…
My Girl by The Temptations - Even sicker of Motown then The Carpenters, so more fast forward action. Seriously…and I know I’m not alone on this…could we as a nation move on to the 80’s at some point? We are way overdue for an all-consuming monomaniacal obsession with Bruce Springsteen or Stevie Wonder.
Ronald McDonald and company, who at this point are best known for their connection to the “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!” meme. Even though they haven’t appeared in a commercial in eons, they have such a rich history that McDonalds just can’t give them up. (I’d like to put in an Erin Esurance joke here but I can’t think of anything good.)
The Spirit of America float with Dasha, country song nobody gave the title of. On the pleasant-to-listen-to end of the country spectrum, so no beef. 
Spirit of America cheerleaders doing “hottogo” (their spelling, not mine!). Bright, happy, and very easy on the eyes, of course, but mainly I’m really enjoying the ability of 600 young ladies to do complex and frequently dangerous maneuvers in a comparatively very small space without the slightest mishap. In the last cheerleading competition I watched, nearly every routine had at least three very big, very conspicuous slipups, and these were the best squads in the country! High level cheerleading is damn hard, and that SoA was so seamless just goes to show you what dedication, teamwork, and trust can accomplish. (I daresay that 600 male cheerleaders would never be able to pull it off, but of course that’s strictly hypothetical for a number of reasons.)
The grammies, two characters from Bluey, followed by the Bluey float. I need to learn more about this show because I want to know what The Daily Wire is ripping off. Then Kinder, which is apparently a children’s snack of some kind.
Alex Warren, another unnamed song. It’s a nice song. I might have to look him up later. Dunno what the deal was with the Spanish dancers, but they were pretty!
Flower Mound Marching Band. Cute. Any expert here can tell me what flower has yellow and/or black dots? A better look at the Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer floats. I like the observation that a sponge that lives underwater would not have any problem with a little rain. 
Natti Natasha - They didn’t name this song either, but it was in Spanish…I think it has something to do with DTE?
(Oh wow, new season of Deal or No Deal Island confirmed!)
Spider-Man. A truly iconic comic book, cartoon, and movie character, obviously, but also a reminder that the existence of real historical locations in the Bible does not prove the that any of the stories in it actually happened. (It was in a Paulogia video, don’t remember which.)
Aum Dance Creations - A Bollywood dance group prominently featured in the Wednesday preview. If you’re in any familiar with Bollywood, you know the deal: music, bright costumes, a whirlwind of moves. Personally, I’m always impressed at how women can do energetic moves in full-length dresses without constantly tripping up. There’s a reason cheerleader and figure skating skirts are so short!
Some classic toy dinosaur thing. Missed the name. Then the Diary of a Wimpy Kid boy. Don’t care enough about the cheese hunk to look up why it’s so canonically lethal.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coming out to Why Can’t We Be Friends by War. Man, and I thought Alistair Cook was a weird juxtaposition. (Please somebody get that ultra-obscure reference. ) Being a Gen-Xer, I always considered the 80’s cartoon to be the proper version and the original underground comic (and to a lesser extent the first NES game) to be a weird experimental predecessor, an important piece of history but otherwise nothing anyone should get worked up about. But the current Nickelodeon incarnation has now been around so long, for an entire generation it’s the proper version and everything prior is weird history (if they’re even aware of it at all)! I’m getting the same feeling I got from TASVideos commenters who ascribe “my childhood” to consoles I first heard about in college, and while it’s not exactly unpleasant, it’s…definitely new, let’s leave it at that.
Brief shot of another marching band. Brief shot of that stupid Santa clock.
Rachel Platten (didn’t get the title). Country? Country. Next! (More Spanish dancers…)
Marshall, a firefighter dog from Paw Patrol. Wow, those forelegs are busy. Then the University of Massachusetts Marching Band with Everlasting Love. The Peacock Peacock, the only service streaming the parade, and the word I’m thinking of isn’t “meta”, it begins with I and has been connected to various Vocaloids.
The “love me love me say that you love me” song by Ariana Madix. Confirmed: adding a dance beat does not make this sapfest any better.
Kylie Minogue (title?) - She used to sound a lot nicer than this. 
A plug of new movie Wicked. Gift of Freedom (an incorrectly-angled Statue of Liberty arm) accompanied by the WNBA champions New York Liberty, which gets zero crap from anyone, and in some ways we really have come a long way. 
More Spider-Man. The Lincoln High School marching band with Empire State of Mind and New York New York, and I’ll just zap ahead a bit more. Disney Cruise Lines with character voices, and more FF-ing. Monkey D Luffy. The NYPD…Marching Band with…The Final Countdown. 
That kind of city. Haribo, the golden bear mascot of the Gummi Bears. Toys R Us. Someone named “Chloe” with more pop stuff.
The Spirit of America crew returns in black and neon pink dresses, and for the life of me I still have no idea how 600 young women change outfits on the street in broad daylight on national television in front of hundreds and hundreds of onlookers. Do they have stealth camo or something?
Po, the kung fu panda from Kung Fu Panda. That looks like an awkward pose to put a balloon in. Wednesday (streaming series), for which the creepiest thing is the waist-up sculptures. Paint it Black by Bishop Briggs. Voice could use some work. Goku again. Riverdance, which is still a thing, and still pretty breathtaking! Safari Adventure, Kalahari resorts. I Don’t Really Know by Coco Jones, and phew, R&B still exists. Jonesboro Majestic Marching Band…is that Like A Virgin??? Gah! FF, FF, FF…Jolly Green Giant.
Fancy Like by Walker Hayes is the closest thing to music I actually listen to I have heard in this parade. 
Turkey Company Penn-O with rapper T-Pain (FF). Smokey The Bear. University of South Carolina marching band with Greensleeves. Peanuts and the obligatory Snoopy float.
And finally the Rockettes coming out to Deck The etc. etc., and this is where I put a bow on it.
Well now. Despite NBC’s attempts to completely ruin this with their insane hydrophobia, I actually liked this better than last year’s show! There’s no one thing I could point to, it just seemed a little more sincere, a little more free, a little more fun. Or maybe I’m just more used to the junk by now. I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep doing this (if NBC doesn’t rein in the crowd shots, that’s it for me), but there’s a good chance I’ll still be going next year.
Oh, and Youtube link. Spoilsports. 