The Misfortunes of Virtue

The BBQ Pit
1

It’s a simple question: Does ANYBODY on the whole cockstuffing planet know what’s going on? Does anybody understand the concept of being in a city with other human beings? Am I having a fucking Omega Man nightmare where I’m the only person with a soul left on the earth?

The past 36 hours of my life have been a mild, afterschool special version of a DeSade novel. No fucking good deed or indeed good INTENTION, ACTION or THOUGHT went unpunished by some kashabrained fuckbasin.

Misfortune the first Going To Work: Young, plucky, Lincoln Park Trixie, STANDING in the MIDDLE of the staircase heading down to the subway, talking a cellphone during rush hour. Did she move when people said excuse me? fuck no. Did she stand off to the side where people could comfortably trot around her? JESUS CHRIST FORBID she remember that she’s living in a society where fucking people have to get to work instead of swallow some merchant bankers jizz for a living. MOVE THE FUCK OVER and SHUT YOUR GUZZLER, snatch.

And Middle Aged Flustered Mother panicking on the tracks? I have your answer. The card goes into the turnstile THUSLY. I have lived here six years and I do it twice a day at least. DO NOT scoff at my advice and insist the turnstile is broken. Try it first, Helen, and then we’ll see who’s right. And further, if you don’t want advice…DON’T FUCKING ASK FOR IT.

Misfortune the second Running errands at lunch: Young, disgruntled woman working at Walgreens. Hey, Norma, I know it’s just a drug store and that I’m interrupting your clit twiddling by buying some Sugar Babies and hairspray, but would it fucking kill you to maybe say one word to me? Has customer service so degenerated that it’s perfectly acceptable for you to audibly sigh when I head up to the register and instead of telling me my total, spinning the LCD display around and tapping your fucking condor talon fingernail on it?

and while we’re at it:

OLD LADY in Walgreens: I said excuse me three times, right into your obviously deaf Michigan Avenue Millionaire ear. You did not move an inch, just kept lookin’ at the cashews. I had no choice but to shoulder past you. It would have been enough to say I was rude like you did, but actually clucking your fucking tongue added a nice touch. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: WE’VE GOT TO EAT ALL THE OLD PEOPLE.

Misfortune the third Visiting the Relatives: I’ll make it simple and calm. Your children are hellions. They’ve put me off of motherhood for a good ten years. Your daughter should be caged, gagged, tranquilized and kept in a zoo. It is not appropriate for a six year old girl to punch me in the pudendum as a greeting. Nor is it appropriate for her to jump on my stomach while I’m relaxing in the recliner. It is not appropriate for her to tell my husband that he is ugly and ‘disgusting’. Nor is it appropriate for her to pull my pigtails out and mess up my hair.

“Why didn’t you say something to her?” my husband asks angelically.

You know why? Because her mom was right there. Her mom should have seen that I was being punched and sat on and her MOTHER should have done something.

I will not be returning to their house…EVER.

Misfortune the last Going to the Gym: I’m a swimmer. I swim. It’s what I do. I swim because I love. My gym is busy, I understand, and I understand that all of us pay a large fee to use the pool. But do you think it’s possible for you and your entourage to use ONE lane for your non-swimming swimming? Leaning against the side of the pool, dunking each other, floating on your backs: it’s fun eh? I know, it is. But here’s the thing: IT DOESN’T TAKE THREE LANES. Meanwhile the lap swimmers have to all share one lane for our WORKOUT, so you can use one end of the pool for your little gropefest. Fuck you. THAT IS RUDE.

PEOPLE are BEING RUDE. Is there nothing to stop them?

jarbaby

2

Gawd, I hate that, too. Where was the fucking lifeguard?

I find that after you plow into them about six times with your kickboard they get the hell out of the way.

3

Jar, darling, sit. Relax. Have a nice cup of tea (Black Russian) and one of my famous Old-Person Meat Pies.

4

Thank you eve. I need that tea. WAIT A SECOND!

IS THIS CAFFIENATED???

:: over turning table, running from room screaming ::

5

The SO and I were discussing this very topic yesterday; we both pretty much hate humans, and we both think that people are stupid and thoughtless (yes, I know, not all of them, not all the time, blah blah blah), so we were trying to decide whether or not to waste so much of our energy being pissed off at people doing stupid and thoughtless things. We came to the conclusion that it isn’t worth it; when we see someone doing something stupid and/or thoughtless now, we will try to shrug it off by saying, “Oh well. Just acting like a human.” We’ll see how that goes. We have a back-up plan for a compound on a couple of acres in the backwoods of Alberta, complete with razor-wire and guard cougars, just in case.

6

The problem is when the humans are interacting with me rather than just fucking up their own lives. The chick on the cellphone ON THE CROWDED stairwell was causing a bottleneck all the way up the stairs so she could tell her friend martha all about the superb oral she recieved or whatever.

I just feel sometimes like I’m going to go off like Michael Douglas, park my car and go apeshit on everyone.

JUST THINK about the people around you. That’s all I ask.

jarbaby

7

“Falling Down”. I loved that movie.

8

“Falling Down”. I loved that movie.

And he only went apeshit on people who deserved it.

9

Now how the heck did that happen?

10

"I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: WE’VE GOT TO EAT ALL THE OLD PEOPLE. "

Nonsense. They’re far too gamey. What we need to do is take Al Franken’s advice, and use the elderly for space exploration. They could go twice as far, because we don’t need to worry about getting them back.

11

Scientists have done experiments in which they’ve packed cages with an overpopulation of rats. The rats stress out and eat each other. I suspect Chicago is a lot like that.

12

I bet they’d enjoy it more than you would… rimshot

13

I was born and raised in los angeles. I just moved to baltimore. I am no stranger to fucked up, imbecilic, human behaviour. Then again, i doubt that anybody is. I do believe, however, that i am particularly credulous when it comes to the really extreme, nearly impossible ends of fuckedupness in my fellows. Unfortunately, tho i understand and belive that Shit Happens, i have never developed a sufficently thick skin against such happenings.

No one gives a flying fuck about what their actions Might Do To Other People. and while they are busy not giving a damn, they get in my space. EVERYONE IS IN MY SPACE! they get in my space and hoot, stare, make disparaging remarks, comment on my taste in everyting from clothing to spouse. None of these people know my name, but they are in My Space. Fuckers. i am kind, and that makes no dent. i am nonchalant; not a ripple. I am downright cruel, and still…nothing. its like im submerged in a sea of eyes and no one, not one, Actualy Sees. They just look. absorb. and i am tired. At least in LA people had the decency to ignore me when they didnt care. I didnt feel so impinged upon when it was an unspoken “I wont see you if you dont see me”. So, it all culminated today, the tiredness of dealing with people. The man who didnt say thankyou when i gave up my place in line, because he had two items and i had ten. The people who randomly jay walk all over baltimore at their own pace. the fucker who walked up behind my car with a baseball bat and made to smash my window, forcing me to drive through a red light. The kid who laughed at me from the safty of his speeding car when i was bent over changing my flat tire. I am driving for an hour in downtown baltimore, looking for a place to park, and no one is driving sensibly. I am forced to stop for a moment to let the last of a crowd of people crossing the street get by, before i turn, and am rewarded by the car behind me tapping my rear bumper and HONKING AND HONKING AND HONKING. i made the fucking turn but all of a sudden i was screaming at the top of my lungs. Nothing was happening: but i was screaming and tears were pouring down my face. I screamed all the way home. I lost my voice and a few marbles today and somehow it makes it worse that if someone had said Thank You, or had decided to wait a second before crossing against the light, or had asked me if i was ok when i fell down…maybe i wouldnt have snapped like that. violently and loudly. If people recognized me beyond the fact that i am an attractive young woman who Yes, has the anatomy of ,SURPRISE, a female, if someone had stopped their car and asked if i needed help instead of laughed.

I try to be that someone sometimes, but more and more, i find i am just busy not participating in the world around me, because i find it distasteful. So there we have it. i found this thread today, and i am glad that jarbabyj exists. i am glad that decent people exist. even if i dont get to see many of you.

Hiroko

14

Thank you for posting that.

In what was a lovely culmination of man’s fucking inhumanity to man this afternoon, I come home from work only to have someone in the NEXT BUILDING OVER, absolutely BLARING the new Linkin Park CD.

I play loud music and not everyone likes the music I listen to…so you can bet I’m DAMN sure that I’m not disturbing people when I do play it. TURN THE FUCKING stereo down. We are not invited to your mosh party, so I dont want to hear the soundtrack.

jarbaby

15

Listen carefully: I’m not trying to be mean, so read this all before you get pissed off.

The world is full of neuroplegics. Every day I encounter literally hundreds of thousands of people in need of someone who will remove their heads from their rectums for them. Look at my pit posts, I’m completely aware of the morons of which you speak.

The pit is the perfect place to get this crap out of your system, god knows I do the same. But beyond pit ranting, DO NOT let these lizard brains get under your skin, for they have an important purpose which I’m about to explain.

These morons, these camel felching squickwads, these brain stems of utter mock-human refuse, are there to remind you to reproduce. God knows the morons are reproducing at an appalling rate. If the intelligent types do not at least make an effort to begin keeping up, the morons will inherit the earth.

So think carefully about breeding; the lack thereof, as in the case of the people you encountered on this fateful day, and the breeding you need to do to keep the gene pool from looking like someone peed in it. I suggest starting right away. By all means, let me know any way I can help.

:):):):):):):slight_smile:

Hope your next couple of days go better-hehe!!!

B.

16

Hiroko, I think you need to come live in the compound with us. You do like cougars, right?

17

Indeed. My defense these days is to walk right up behind the offender(s) and shout, "A little bit of awareness for your surroundings, people! That’s all I’m asking for this Christmas!"

Seems to work thus far.

18

Originally posted by jarbabyj
The chick on the cellphone ON THE CROWDED stairwell was causing a bottleneck all the way up the stairs so she could tell her friend martha all about the superb oral she recieved or whatever.

You are so much nicer than I am. I’d have shoved her down the stairs and kept walking. If you’ll track her down and give me her name and address, I’ll be glad to add her to my list of people to eliminate when I develop my super-virus.

19

Screw the Black Russian Tea. Just make it a Black Russian.

20

These are the people I think of as The Monkeys. They run around, and they eat and screech and generally get in my way, but that’s to be expected, because really, they’re just monkeys, you know? And I am Jane Goodall, if Jane Goodall drank too much whiskey and referred to her subjects as “the fuckbastards.”