My Mom had this thing that we called “Remote Possibility Disaster,” or RPD for short. Here is her most infamouse RPD, told as briefly as possible:
Her younger brother and his wife and two children were visiting my parents at the cottage in Maine. My two youngest brothers were there, and our cousins were sleeping in their room. Mom came into the bedroom and told one of my brothers that he better shut the window because …“Glen (name changed to protect the innocent!) might roll out of the window, down the roof, onto the ground, out onto the dock and into the water and drown!” And she was -completely- serious! However, the window ledge was a good foot above the bed! :rolleyes: LOL Another RPD was once they were walking somewhere and my youngest brother was very close to the curb. Mom looked at him, and before she said it, we -knew- what was coming, “Be careful Jim! You’re too close to the curb, and a car might jump it, run you over and kill you!”
We used to tease her unmercifully about the RPDs but I can honestly admit that I’ve had a few of them myself, once I became a mother.
Don’t ever EVER stick any body part out of the window of a moving vehicle, it WILL become instantly amputated! Everyone’s heard the story about the kid who lost his head via a stopsign. Now, granted it is wise not to do it, as it IS possible to be injured sticking your ____ out the window, but to hear it you’d think buses and cars drove down narrow alleys full of razor blades.
Being barefoot anywhere except bathroom or bed or beach.
Jazz, or any loud music.
Any music at all, while driving.
Wearing dark clothing when it’s hot, even indoors, even at night.
Going outside without a jacket, when it’s below 70.
Having a window open when it’s below 70.
Potato skins.
Wasting any food that’s still good enough not to kill you (except potato skins).
Canned vegetables, except creamed corn and baked beans.
Doing anything requiring plumbing, during a storm.
Let me guess: your grandmother was Eastern European.
I honestly can’t remember my mom telling me anything would kill me. Except going out with wet hair, I think. Oh wait, and eating sugar. Okay, Type 1 diabetes runs in my family, and my mom used to tell me that all of the sugar I liked would make me diabetic. Eventually my dad told her to knock it off, that it would do no such thing and she should stop trying to scare me. So she switched to telling me about how hard it would be to give up sugar *when *I became diabetic. Now, to be fair, bad eating can lead to Type 2 diabetes, but that’s not what my mom was talking about. I think she might actually have wanted me to become diabetic so she could have someone to commiserate with. She has repeatedly diagnosed both my sister and me with diabetes, and just last week, urged me to get tested. (I can imagine my dad puttering around the kitchen as she tells me this stuff, rolling his eyes.)
At the age of 30, I’m pretty sure I’m no longer at high risk for Juvenile Diabetes, Mom.
Eating food straight from a can. I’m still don’t understand what, exactly, is dangerous about doing so, and my mother was never able to elaborate, but apparently removing the food from the can is critical for your health.
ETA: Also, mom’s always had some concerns about bike safety, but, uh, judging by the number of times that I injured myself on my bike, she may be right that I’m gonna kill myself riding like that someday. My dad’s near-broken-arm-that-mom-didn’t-find-out-about-until-months-later didn’t help, either.
My mother STILL tells me this. Mum, I’m A) male, B) 29 years old, C) weigh 240 lbs, and D) own firearms.
Playing laser tag will desensitize you to violence and so you’re not allowed to point the toy guns at your brother.
Climbing any tree to any height for any reason ever will result in you breaking your neck.
Driving anywhere with anyone without telling me when you leave and when you get there is strictly forbidden–you could DIE and I’d never know where you went or where you were. (True story–I got grounded for two months, at age 16, for having the utter audacity to grab a ride with a friend to get McDonald’s lunch during band camp. The same friend my mom even preferred I rode with on occasions where I needed a lift from someone because he was such a safe driver.)
Then for a while I got a lot of “We don’t care what damnfool ideas you get while you’re off at college, but you aren’t allowed to talk about anything even remotely political or religious around your little brother, HE believes in God and Republicanism and wants to stay that way.”
Apparently putting on a wet bathing suit will give you pneumonia. I am not really sure how it differs from putting a dry one on and getting it wet. To my mom’s credit, she did accept that when it was pointed out.
Heh, my boyfriend did something similar yesterday. I mentioned being thirsty and he got out his blood sugar machine and started asking me to let him check my blood sugar. I am not now nor have I ever been diabetic, but any time I mention anything that might be even slightly associated with the possibility of being diabetic it makes him want to check my sugar. He is too cute and I love him for being concerned so it doesn’t bother me, but I think it is silly just the same.
“If you’re wearing old, holey underwear and you have an accident, the EMTs/Paramedics/Ambulance Drivers will point and laugh and won’t take you to the hospital!”
Hmm…mom might be right about that one. Just a few months ago, my older brother had an itch on his ankle and scratched it. If he had only put some bacterial ointment on it, the doctor said none of the following would have happened:
He scratched again the next day and three days later woke up to a foot and ankle the size of his thigh! He somehow had given himself a staph infection - was admitted to the hospital, spent a week there, had to take a leave of absence from work and now has to wear a special stocking on that foot for the rest of his life.
Oh, and the thunderstorm = no television? Back in the day when nobody had cable and you had a huge antenna on your roof, I was at my aunt’s house when a lightning bolt hit the antenna, came roaring down and we watched in horror as the television imploded! Don’t know if having the set off would have made a difference, but still - I will never forget that shocker.
My mother’s cure for all ailments was a combination of pink lotion (calamine) and aspirin. If one or both of those couldn’t cure what ails you, nothing could.
There was a recent thread talking about German (and other European) countries where mothers are certain that any cross ventilation in a room whatsoever, no matter how hot and humid the weather is outside, will cause certain death.
I wonder if any of the ladies here remember being told you couldn’t wash your hair or sit in a bathtub while having your period? Or how you had to sit on the bleachers during gym class during your period so you didn’t accidentally exercise and die?
Anyone who eats sushi is flirting with death, probably by trichinosis. Even if the sushi is a vegetable or California roll that doesn’t have any raw fish in it.
Well, there’s his problem. He should have put ANTI-bacterial ointment on it, not bacterial ointment.
As the father of a three year old, I can now say - three year old boys spend a large portion of their time attempting to discover inventively hilarious ways of killing themselves.
And if you happen to be carrying dirty pictures/condoms/cigarets at the same time, they not only won’t take you to the hospital, they’ll take you straight to jail!
