Brrrinnng
“Thank you for calling Wxxx-TV, how may I help you?”
“I need the number to the AMA.”
“The AMA?”
“Yes, the AMA.”
“The American Medical Association? I’m sorry, I don’t have the number.”
"Why not? You know what AMA stands for!
“Ma’am, I think most people know what AMA stands for. You’ve called a television station. I suggest you call a local hospital and ask them.”
click
“You’re in Alaska. Are you an Eskimo?”
Ha! Where I work is open 24/7 also. A customer asked me once when we closed, and I told him, “We close at 6:00 p.m. on December 24th.” This happened in July. 
We recently had a tenant file a counter-claim after we evicted her. She was claiming medical bills and lost wages from health department orders that we never corrected and all sorts of other crap.
So, we called the health department, and I spoke with the inspector directly. Seems as though the tenant called after she got her eviction papers (which is quite common), so when the inspector found out that the tenant was moving, she never even filed an order - because the home was vacant. The tenant subpoenaed the health department inspector to show up in court for this.
Then, she tried to claim $200 for “improvements to the house.” She put down mulch and planted flowers. She tried to claim $750 in “moving expenses.” Yeah - that was how much of a deposit she had to pay on her next place. She tried to claim something like $1000 for “pain and suffering.” Sorry honey, you’re in small claims court - you CAN’T sue for pain and suffering in small claims court. Something like 95% of her counter-claim was tossed out on the spot. The next court appearance will be the fourth for this crazy woman’s ridiculous crap.
And the best part is that she yells and screams and curses and basically gets hysterical in court, while our guy stands there quietly with his file in hand, waiting for her to stop. (Judges don’t like courtroom hysterics - even small claims court judges.)
These two are my boyfriend’s.
First, a guy called to be instructed on how to set up his internet, as he had bought a modem-and-startup kit.
BF: Now, plug the modem into your computer.
Customer: My what?
BF: Your computer.
Customer: I don’t have a computer!
BF: But… you bought a modem.
Customer: Doesn’t it connect through the TV?
BF: Uh, no.
Customer: Well, the kit said it would connect me to the internet. I want to get the internet!
BF: Well, you need a computer for that.
Customer: That’s false advertising!
He apparently remained quite angry.
Second, a woman called up.
BF: How can I help you?
Woman: My wireless internet isn’t working.
BF: Okay, what kind of wireless card do you have?
Woman: What do you mean?
BF: Well, do you have a card sticking out of your laptop?
Woman: Oh… a cookie.
BF: (thinking maybe she was one of those people who hears a technical term and uses it all the time) A cookie?
Woman: Yes, there’s a cookie.
BF: An internet explorer cookie?
Woman: No, a chocolate cookie.
BF: In your wireless card slot?
Woman: Yes. I have kids. Now it’s getting melty.
What totally kills me about that one is that she was on hold for 10-15 minutes, wondering what the problem was with her wireless network, without noticing A COOKIE STICKIN GOUT FROM HER COMPUTER.
Maybe she had a thirty-five-year-old bit of malware ported onto her computer?
Ha! That was in the movie ‘Hackers’.
This only works if you have an account with that bank, re-read that post you quoted, the person specifically states they don’t have an account with the bank they called to ask to pay their bills. 
I only figured this one out when I came to college about half a year ago. I had never wandered around a museum until I spent an afternoon at the art museum on campus. It was only then that I noticed the “On loan from” or “Donated by” cards under the art. I always just assumed that museums charged admission which was used to buy all their stuff.
(Bolding mine)
That’s how I’m getting myself through college, baby!
I got asked this in January. “Christmas Eve at 6 PM,” I told them, trying to be funny. They didn’t get it. “We don’t close.” Oh. Okay.
“Can I pay for this here?” I’m sitting at the fitting room desk, with a phone in front of me. Do you see a register? No, this is a PHONE, moron. I get asked this at least once a week, and I only give the regular people over there breaks and stuff.
It seems to be a tactic employed by a lot of people at resturants. Hubby and I eat out a lot, and we occasionally see customers being abusive and demanding, and generally getting a free meal out of it.
Last time this happened, Hubby called over the manager and told him that he’d witnessed the entire incident and that it was NOT the waitress’s fault. (They had ordered one thing and when it came, insisted they had ordered something else and became extremely beligerent until the manager came over and comped their meals.) Later, when we were leaving, Hubby went over to her and handed her something. I asked him what it was and he told me that he had given her the tip for our table and extra to cover the assholes who had been so mean to her because he was sure she wasn’t getting a tip from* them.*
Hubby and I are treated like royalty at any resturant we go to, because we’re known as being easy-going, friendly and generous tippers. We get our drinks sent to the table without even having to order them, for example, and the staff remember our preferences. My momma always said you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
I had a roomate who could not understand this concept. He always felt the appropriate response to any problems was to scream at the person who had made the mistake. He was astonished when I called up a resturant from which we had gotten takeout and politely explained that the order was wrong and they offered us a free meal in compensation.
Sadly enough, it would probably work. I used to work at a call center for a large tourist attraction. Officially, they were hard-ass about tickets and packages being non-refundable, non-exchangeable. But I would often get someone on the line who was flat-out ugly. I’d follow company policy and refuse to give them a comp or a refund; they’d demand to speak to my supervisor who would follow company policy and refuse to give them a comp or a refund; they’d demand to go another level up and scream and holler, and the Powers That Be would inevitably give them a comp or a refund. Pissed me right the hell off, especially when I was having to deny refunds to perfectly lovely people who weren’t willing to make asses of themselves.
I got asked a lot of weird questions at that job. One I particularly remember:
Me: “Thank you for calling Tourist Attraction. How may I help you?”
Them: “How much does a condo in your town cost?”
Me: “It depends on the condo. Let me give you the number of the Chamber of Commerce. They can put you in touch with some realtors.”
Them: “Just tell me how much a condo would cost.”
Me: “Sir, I have no idea. I bought my house 3 years ago and haven’t kept up with real estate prices.”
Them: “Well, you’re no help!” Slams down phone.
Here’s some from the Water Department:
Irate Customer: “My water’s off !!”
Water Dept. Lady “Yes ma’am, we’re sorry but the line broke in your neighborhood and we had to turn it off to fix it. The whole neighborhood is off right now”.
IC: “But that’s ridiculous !! You can’t just turn my water off like that !!”
WDL : “I’m sorry ma’am, we have to turn the water off to fix the broken pipe.”
IC: “Don’t you have a BACKUP system or something ?!!”
IC: “I want a credit for the time my water was turned off!! I’m not paying for that!”
WDL: “Ma’am, we only charge you for the water that you use. If you’re not using water, you’re not being charged.”
IC: “That’s ridiculous! I demand a credit!”
Older Gentleman: “I see y’all have the water back on.”
WDL: “Yessir, we got it fixed about an hour ago.”
Older Gentleman: “When you gonna turn the HOT water back on?”
Dr. X: " I called in about a water leak and now I have a note on my door that says it’s in my water line!"
WDL: “Yes, Dr., the leak is on your side of the meter.”
Dr. X: “What in the #$%* is a water line doing in MY yard??”
WDL: “Sir, how do you think water gets in your house?”
Young Civil Engineer: “my wife just called and said the water’s off at home”
WDL: “yessir, a Tee blew off of the fire hydrant and we are fixing it.”
YCE: “What? A tee blew off? Does that REALLY happen ??!!”
(I guess he slept thru Systems Analysis)
On one of those lists of rules to live by is the following:
If a person is nice to you, but mean to a waitress, they are not a nice person.
If they’re mean to any service person, they’re not a nice person.
We met the owners of the house we live in currently during the sale to discuss a few things. The wife told me about how she had lectured the movers when they came to get her boxes of stuff. She’d had movers before, she told them, and they’d better not pee on her toilet seat, and they should take off their shoes at the door because movers never wiped their feet properly, and if they spilled their soda, they’d better clean it up properly because last time she’d found spots.
I stood there, inwardly rolling my eyes. I can’t imagine how humiliating it must have been for those poor movers to be blessed out for stuff they hadn’t done, and told like children how to behave in the bathroom. Not to mention the enormous amount of bother it would cause to take off one’s shoes, grab a box and have to put them back on again before going outside.
She struck one of those class-insecure people who is eager to underline their status through their contempt of the working man. You know the type.
A couple of years ago, Hubby and I saw this played out on a grand scale. We went on a cruise and were consistently amazed and appalled by the way our fellow passengers abused the staff. They seemed to think this was their chance to “act rich” and that this meant demeaning and mistreating the staff.
My husband manages a comic book store and hears plenty of ridiculous things from customers. Just the other day, someone called the store asking whether they bought old comics. My husband explained that they do buy certain old comics, usually ones from the 1960s or before, or certain other issues that they don’t already have in stock. He asked the person on the phone what sort of comics he was looking to sell, and the guy said, “Oh, I have a bunch from all different times.” My husband asked for more specifics, and the customer said, “Well, I have this Spider-Man from the 1920s, still in its original plastics!”
There are two major problems with this statement. First, Spider-Man’s first appearance was in 1962. Second, comics as a rule don’t come in “plastics”, so having “original plastics” isn’t really an option.
The guy asked, “So, do you want me to bring these in so you can look at them?” My husband was so amused he told the guy, “Sure, bring them by!” Not surprisingly, the guy has yet to show up. Presumably his time machine isn’t working.
I agree 100%
Thank you for warning us about this. No cruises for me! I’d be miserable, watching that.
This is stretching the definition of “customer” quite a bit, but . . . .
We stopped our aircraft carrier once and risked life and limb to pick up a very expensive boat that had gone adrift in a recent storm. We figured out who it belonged to, and even carried it with us all the way around Florida (we were, of course, headed that way anyway) to return it to the proper owner.
This individual also owned a huge cookie company that you would recognize but that I won’t name here, to be nice. Even rich as he was, this $120,000 boat must have been missed, and replacing it would not have been enjoyable.
He gave us a case of cookies.
Yep, about 200 cookies to share among 4,300 people.