The Nastiest Thing Ever

Share your stories of the gross and disgusting!

Here’s mine from today:

I have a trashcan with a tight-fitting lid that I empty the litterbox into, as well as anything smelly from my fridge, etc. It’s generally a great system, keeping my house from smelling like a litterbox. Well, the cats have been doing their business outside lately, for the most part, so the nastycan hasn’t been filling up as quickly as usual. So, I went to empty the litterbox leavings into the finally almost-full can today, and discovered something…terrible. Apparently I’ve been raising an army of maggots in there. I swear, this has never happened before, and I’m not sure what made this time different. But they were everywhere. Hundreds of creepy crawly nasty little fuckers. Every bit of that mess made it outside the house in about 2.5 seconds. Barf.

That beats my previous disgusting experience with maggots that I had as a child. A friend’s parents had a small farm, and they had us go through a few buckets of peaches. Some of these peaches were rotten, and we were to find the ones with maggots and throw them out, while rinsing off the rest. At least I had gloves for that. Rest assured, those peaches were for their personal consumption, not for sale or anything.

There was also the time I was giving my rescue kitten medicine for his coccidiosis. Don’t squeeze a cat with intestinal parasites. He will poop in your lap.

Oh, and don’t forget about when I had my wisdom teeth taken out. The holes where my teeth had been were, unbeknownst to me, filling up with food. Well, about a month afterward, when I just couldn’t get rid of the bad taste in my mouth, I discovered those holes full of now-rotting food. I had to irrigate those sumbitches for quite some time, before I got all of that rot out. It tasted about how it looked: like the leavings from a commercial dishwasher (any former Pizza Hut employee will know exactly what mess I’m talking about).

Last one: I’m 7. The lawn is freshly mown. I’m barefoot. I stepped in a giant sliced up frog. Same lawn, but later: a bird pooped on my head. It was purple.

I’ve also cleaned up various and sundry bodily leavings from various and sundry creatures, but that stuff is all pretty run of the mill by now.

So, tell me some disgusting things to make me feel better about my maggot farm.

When I was 9 years old I developed ileus or non-mechanical bowel obstruction. The docs never figured out why.

For whatever reason, I lost the ability to take a shit. I didn’t notice for several days. As a 9 year old, tracking my bowel movements wasn’t a priority. I pooped when I pooped and if I didn’t poop, I didn’t notice.

So, all the food I ate just sat in my guts. I got wicked cramps in my sides. My doctor admitted me to the hospital, suspecting appendicitis. When they did the x-rays, they noticed my digestive tract was almost completely full. Food I was eating was staying in my stomach because the rest of my digestive tract was full.

It was 18 days in the hospital, twelve of which were spent on IV with electrolytes and massive amounts of anti-biotics. The horrid part of the treatment was they put a tube up my nose and down into my stomach for nine days to pump out the top portion of the non-digested food. I also got 3-a-day enemas. After that, it was large doses of laxative to get my system jump started again. Somewhere in the whole process there were also 2 each of upper and lower GI tests (barium milkshake and barium enema).

There’s nothing like being nine years old, immobile in bed, hooked up to IVs, with a tube up your nose and down your throat, nothing to drink or eat but ice chips 3x/day and listening to a pump that’s sucking days old chewed former food into a clear glass jar filled with green, brown and yellow vileness while waiting for Nurse Ratched to come in and shove a hose up your ass to fill your colon with a gallon of water and shuffle you onto a rolling toilet to blast the most vile shit anyone has ever produced at high force into a plastic bucket to make you realize at a tender age that there are worse things than death.

This reads like an entry for the Bulwer-Lytton contest, only, you know, well-written :slight_smile:

Nasty? Bufftabby types letting their cats roam the neighborhood, so they shit and piss in the woodchips in front of my window, so that first nice warm spring day I open my windows to the stench of cat piss and shit.

Second place is the dead guy I found in the river. He had been missing for four months. It was the first warm spring day, and his body built up enough gasses to float. It being a nice warm spring day, I went home and opened up the windows…

Giving CPR to a dead snowmobiler for 45 minutes.

My wife finds this really nasty, but I consider it within my fatherly duties. Child #1 was a few months old, and had a cold. We heard an odd noise on the baby monitor one night, and found that he was having trouble breathing. The snot had pretty much taken over his airways, and he was pretty much suffocating. We took out the blue snot ball they give you at the hospital and tried over and over again to clear the snot out. It wasn’t working, the ball was just too wimpy. Finally I just put my mouth to his nose and sucked hard. The size of the loogie that was causing all of this trouble was impressive, considering it came out of a little baby head. And suddenly he was breathing fine. It’s not like I swallowed it or anything, I spit it out into the diaper pail. But it was pretty damn big.

This has never happened to me on the SDMB, but you literally made me want to hurl just there. Mainly because I could see myself doing that if I needed to.

My first real research job, as a senior in college, involved deliberately raising maggots, on slabs of rotting liver. I also raised mosquitoes. Shortly before graduation I fed two cages of mosquitoes with blood meals. Off my own forearms. I suppose this shouldn’t count, though, since I volunteered.

In my last research job, I dissected lots of cow eyeballs. (The biophysics of visual pigments and their associated proteins require a lot of retinas to untangle.) We froze the retina-less hollowed-out eyeballs for later disposal. One weekend (of course it was a weekend) the decrepit old refrigerator/freezer’s compressor crapped out, but its motor kept spinning, actually heating the freezer compartment. I came in Monday, noticed a pungent smell, tracked it to the decrepit old freezer, and nearly quit on the spot. Items we salvaged from the refrigerator compartment reeked for weeks afterward; we had to deodorize all our other refrigerators to get the stink out of the lab. If we hadn’t immediately ordered a new fridge/freezer I think I WOULD have quit (our deputy boss wanted to fix the decrepit one. Again. He was overruled.).

Not bufftabby types, actually. My cats always go in the same spot in my own fairly large backyard. I’ve seen them do it numerous times, and the evidence is there. Please don’t paint me with your broad brush. It’s rather rude.

I was just gonna post to say “thank you!” for alerting me to how much my life has been blessed. I really don’t have anything that rises to the level of all of your experiences. Maybe helping clean a sheep pen, but that ain’t so bad.

NurseCarmen’s story did remind me of one good gross-out, though. I wrecked a car at 16, and broke my nose in the process. The day after the wreck my face was all kinds of swollen and leaking. I think I had just showered, and while I was mopping up the mucous/blood/puss from my nose, a strand of it was left kind of hanging out. I tugged on it, and pulled out what was basically a complete mold of my sinuses made of all that congealed nastiness, all in one piece. It just kept coming and coming and coming, hand over hand like I was gonna climb in. The grossness was immediately surpassed by the relief of it, though. I’m sure Carmen’s baby would agree!

And the CPR thing is really creepy. I guess in a way, almost anyone who has given CPR has given it to a “dead” person huh? Trippy*.

Even trippier: both “trippy” and “trippier” are apparently not words, according to spellcheck! Bummer*, man.

**Is a word.

Like Ludovic… I believe this is the grossest thing I’ve ever read on this board, Zit and Pus stories included.

Gods, bonus points to all you parents… ::puking smiley::

I hesitate participating in this thread because this is THAT disgusting. But hey, you asked for it. Just be prepared to declare me the winner. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I worked on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean last year and met a woman who worked in the spa on the ship. She told me the tale of a day born in Hell, wherein an overly large woman came in and asked for a Brazilian wax. I’ll assume everyone knows what that is.

So, being the dutiful employee she is, she got to work. At one point she had the woman on her stomach so she could better reach her… well, her taint, to put it succinctly. I’ll assume everyone knows what that is.

So she applies the sticky wax paper or whatever to the lady’s body… pulls it off… looks down at the paper… wait for it… and she sees… WAIT FOR IT… A WORM!!! Sweet wounded Jesus it’s a worm on the sticky paper that JUST CAME OUT OF THE LADY. AND IT WAS STILL ALIVE. Or at least, she thought it was in the millisecond it took to suppress her gag reflex and drop it.

The lady, blissfully ignorant of what was happening, asked if everything was okay. She was told yes, everything is fine, but we’re all done here.

Holy. Shit.

And that is why I am not a parent. Couldn’t do it, man. I admire your… um… your courage.

I don’t know what a Brazilian wax is… but I do know what the taint is. (" 'Tain’t one or the other!")

There was the time I took a pailful of veggie compost out to the compost bin at this place we had rented for a retreat. They composted meat. The smell was incredible when I opened the bin. I stopped breathing and looked in as I readied to empty my pail. I looked in and thought, “That’s odd. I don’t remember having rice for dinner yesterdoy. Wait a minute… it’s moving. That’s not rice!!!” I hurled my stuff in, slammed the lid hack on, hurled myself away from the bin, and rand back to the kitchen. And almost hurled.

Dude. That’s why god invented emergency rooms. Ewwww.

Urg. I can’t even quote the whole thing, that was disgusting. You deserve Father of the Century for that one.

I volunteer at a sanctuary that rescues farm animals. Last month, we got a beautiful little sheep who had been horribly abused. One of his horns was broken off of his skull but was being held on by his scalp. The sanctuary owner took him to the vet to have it removed and when he came back he wasn’t doing so good. I don’t know why the vet wrapped the wound the way he did (busy, new tech, didn’t care?), but the dressing was wound around the sheep’s throat and he was choking.

Another volunteer and I unwrapped it, keeping pressure on the hole, so we could rewrap in a more comfortable way. Blood came gushing out like a faucet had been turned on. It soaked the gauze covering the wound, ran down our arms, and dripped into the sheep’s eye. When we peeled the (cotton! why?!) gauze off of the hole in order to cover it with a fresh, dry stack I looked right down into his skull for a split second. Whoa boy.

Blood pumped out with every heartbeat, oozing out from underneath the gauze we were desperately holding to his head. We thought for sure we were going to lose him. Then the sanctuary owner said something that struck fear into my heart. “We’re going to have to cauterize that, he’ll never make it back to the vet”. “You, um, have the tools for that?” I asked. She replied “we have a blowtorch and a flat piece of metal”. :eek:

Thank Og, it didn’t come to that. The other volunteer managed to wrap the head in a way that didn’t strangle the sheep yet kept pressure on the wound and the bleeding slowed down to a trickle. We took turns pressing gauze to his head and after awhile he calmed down and we put clean dressing on and were able to take a break to wash the blood off of ourselves. It looked like we had hacked someone to death in there.

I am pretty proud of myself for getting through that one. I’ve always said I have a weak stomach, but maybe I’m tougher than I thought. :cool:

Goodness, me, where do I begin. Not sure if the thread necessitates TMI, but two are. You have been warned. Let’s go in reverse chronological order.

I was going down on a gal, using proper teasing techniques. As my tongue initially parted her slit and tasted her love juices, something… wasn’t quite right. The taste was a bit unpleasant, but what was most shocking was the texture. Her wetness was a cross between partially gelled gelatin and the glue credit card companies use to secure their card to the letter when they mail it to you. There wasn’t very much that was that texture, but by the time I figured out that it was, it was all already on the tip of my tongue. Being a gentleman, I didn’t want to make , a big deal about it and embarrass her. My hands were wrapped under her legs, so I did the only rational thing; I swallowed it.

My friend was moving recently, and called me up to help him move a deep-freeze out from his basement. The guy in the basement said, “it stinks”. Again, this should have set off warning bells, since he’s the kind of guy who describes my most rank farts as, “smelling like baby powder”. So, I show up to their place, and the rumor was that this thing smelled really bad because it had lost power and quit working. Turns out that it had two plugs, and one of them wasn’t plugged in for a couple months. It took four of us to move that thing up the stairs (and we’re all rugby players, three of us front row). Unfortunately, there was -just- enough clearance to make it up the stairwell, but not enough for anything else. We had to unscrew the hinges, and use a SawZall to take off the handle. So we’re moving this thing up the stairs, and the lid is not at all secure. We all had to stop several times to suppress dry heaves. The worst part was that I was on underneath it, supporting a majority of it’s weight with my back pressed up against it and my legs on the steps. My head was basically level with the opening. Oh, and I forgot to mention that they had plugged it in for the past 24 hours, so the stench was rolling down, right into my face. I guess I should be happy that it wasn’t still warm. I took a shower as soon as I got home, and one in the morning before work, but I still caught wiffs of it all day.

Speaking of unsavory smells, my buddy was once dating this girl who lived in the town we work in. Her sister was rather large, but his girl wouldn’t come to see him by herself. Playing the ultimate wing man, I hooked up with the sister so she would be more willing to come down more often. She was at my place one night, and she asked me to go down on her. To be fair, I really owed it to her, as she had pleased me orally numerous times and I hadn’t reciprocated. So, I start going down, and I get a flashback to differential equation class in college. Something about haggis looking more appetizing as a function squared of how close you get, and smelling more repulsive as a function cubed of how close you get. Anyway, I could have really used a snorkel, it was that bad. But, I figured, no harm, no foul, right? Well, the next morning, she had already left when I got out of bed. I walked outside to get some fresh air, just as my roommate was cleaning up the yard. There was a tub that was probably 20 or 25 gallons that we had used in the past to keep kegs on ice. It was now being used to catch rainwater. It had been slowly filling up for months, and had also collected random yard debris (and probably piss and beer, knowing that house), but there was definitely some rotting organic matter in there. He chose the exact time I walked outside to dump it out, and for some reason it smelled exactly like my upper lip. Just at that time, somebody pulled up and smelled it, too. They wanted to get out of there quick, and I wasn’t staying around. We took off, but it was a horrible idea. I should have washed my face first. Disgusting.

And there’s always the borderline urban legend that makes its rounds through my circle of friends about the guy who fingered a girl whose vagina smelled so bad, that when he was hungover the next day and went to bite his fingernail off, the smell/taste that had been stored under his nail caused him to puke.

Finally, a relatively tame one from when I was in high school. A few of us went mushroom hunting, and I found one that looked like a lightly toasted marshmallow. I was about to pop it into my mouth, but decided to toss it on the ground, instead. I stepped on it, and out came this disgusting goo that had the color and texture of fresh baby vomit of strained peas. In retrospect, I kind of wish I had smelled it.

That’s all I’ve got for now, I’ll see if I can think of any more tomorrow. I’m sure there’s plenty more where those came from.

I’m sorry, but the way you matter-of-factly stated the color of the poop not only made me burst out laughing, but conjured up an image of a Dr. Seussian-bird doing a bombing run.

I can’t think of anything particularly disgusting at this moment, but I do remember the time I decided to feed a whole bunch of seagulls a whole bunch of bread and my mom got a “thanks for the meal, chef” delivery on the top of her head. As far as I can remember it was white, though.

I wish somebody could’ve seen the look on my face when I reached up to my head, to figure out what the hell had happened, and brought down this weird purple shit with seeds in it, as it dawned on me exactly what I was dealing with. I have a feeling that was a classic succession of increasingly horrified expressions, followed by a sprint to the bathtub.

I was also pooped on (white this time) by a bird at an outdoor event. I was meeting someone in a particular spot and couldn’t leave my post to go wash my arm off, so I just sat there with poop on it for about 15 minutes.

Did you check either girl for worms? Would you have swallowed that, too?

Most likely, but I would have chewed it better.

Once I was sitting outside, when I heard this incredibly loud “fft-fft-fft” noise overhead. I looked up, and saw a friggin huge flock of birds flying overhead, way way up high. While I was looking straight up, one of them pooped on my chin. Not only was it gross (cause some got in my mouth), but it hurt! The poo managed to pick up enough velocity on its way down that it actually bruised my chin. :frowning:

I don’t think this can compete with some of the ranker items here, but it was pretty horrible to me:

Over the past two months, we’ve been dealing with some “eye issues” with our pet pug. It happened pretty suddenly; one weekend, she was a lot clingier than usual, and we noticed that one eye looked strange. We decided to take her to the vet that Monday.

Monday morning comes, and the eye is now oozing, and she won’t open it at all. I get her to the vet with all speed. Apparently, what has happened is that something, a scratch, a piece of dust, created a comfy little nest in her eye for some very nasty bacteria to live, and they’d chewed a sizeable hole through her cornea. Overnight, the hole had grown to 1 cm in size. Because of the decreased pressure in front of her eye, the pressure at the back of her eye was pushing her iris forward, causing it to bulge out of the hole. It was really unbearably gross.

Anyway, first we tried to suture the eyeball in order to save the eye, but despite our best efforts (eyedrops every four hours, antibiotics) the sutures didn’t hold, the hole being just too big. When the sutures gave way, her iris was jutting out from her eyeball so far, I couldn’t even bear to look at it. By that point, the eye was beyond saving, so we had it removed. Just this Monday she had the stitches taken out, and she’s much happier now than she’s been in weeks; she’s actually playful again. I’m sad that we had to take out the eye, but it’s infinitely preferable to seeing her in pain.

So, that’s my nasty thing. An eyeball with the iris protruding from it. I might even be able to find the pictures we took for the vet, if you want.