…a large wooden badger. Actually, I’ll need two things, the other being a fluffy pillow. And an ex-parrot…three, I’ll need three things from you! Can I start over?
Okay, I’ll need a large wooden badger, a fluffy pilow and an ex-parrot, and you’ll need to do a funny walk.
Oh, wait! I’ll also need…
“…another straight-as-a-stick girl!”
He realized, however, that in the limited time he had before the spore cloud would get bored and drift away, no such girl would pass by. The only two people approaching were a rather dumpy woman named Sarah Crowley and her 15-year-old son Dwight. Dwight was as impressively endowed sexually as his father, but around his dumpy mother sexuality was the farthest thing from his mind. Having been fooled once by “Jane,” the spore cloud was not about to waste its power on a teenage boy, but instead concentrated on Sarah, his mother. Mrs. Crowley was now the shapeliest mother of a teenager in the world, naturally, Dwight…
Mrs. Crowley was now the shapeliest mother of a teenager in the world, naturally, Dwight…
was not impressed. What kind of pervert thinks that way about his own mother? Mrs. Crowley headed off towards the local ‘Victoria’s Secret’ store to get some sexy lingerie to surprise Mr. Crowley with. Dwight wandered over to Lilith and Jane to check them out and maybe ask for a date. Jane was incredably hot (she looked just like Carmen Electra), but since she was really John, she wanted nothing to do with Dwight. Jane quickly related the story of the Pizza Boy, Sonimod, and the Necronomicon to Dwight. “Wow, you mean that people have been casting demented evil spells around here? Cool!” Dwight shouted. “Yes,” Lilith said, her voice low and seductive, “and if you help me gather the ingredients for my spell, we might be able to do other things later. wink” (Lilith was a bit of a slut.) That was all Dwight needed to hear. With visions of fair Lilith in his mind, he set off after the ingredients: a wooden badger, a fluffy pillow, an ex-parrot, and a straight-as-a-stick girl. The funny walk was Jane’s problem. Dwight had not gone far when he encountered…
…two astonighingly beautiful young women, the blonde bespectacled Phoebe Atwood and the statuesque, buxom brunet Vera Tedson. (Vera was born Vera Fyodorovich in Russia, but when the family emigrated to the States they assumed “Tedson,” which seemed the proper English equivalent.) Vera was a fast learner and early on spoke English without an accent. Both young women were proud of their sexuality and seemd like a good bet to entertain Dwight, who wouldn’t [I admit!–d.m.] make his mother the object of his attention. Phoebe, the intellectual, suggested a Shakespeare play; Vera offered to take Dwight to dinner and a famous local discotheque. He agreed to both, and took both women on the date. After they left the discotheque at 11:30, Dwight, Vera, and Phoebe…
After they left the discotheque at 11:30, Dwight, Vera, and Phoebe…
went back to Vera and Phobe’s place for the rest of the evening. And they took the sex chair with them. Dwight would talk about this night for the rest of his life.
Meanwhile, back in the park, it quickly became obvious that Dwight had forgotten about his errands. So Jane (John) went out to the local department store to look for Lilith’s ingredients. She quickly found a large fluffy pillow. In an amazing coincidence, the store had a whole shelf of wooden badgers on sale in the Christmas gifts section. Now for a straight-as-a-stick girl. Jane was at a loss for this, but as she wandered into the toy isle, she saw a doll named Brenda. She was Barbie’s ™ politically-correct cousin, and she was the complete opposite of the traditional feminine ideal. In fact, she looked like Ken with Barbie’s head stuck on. “Hmm,” Jane thought, “she sure is straight as a stick. Maybe it doesn’t matter if the girl is real or not.” So Jane bought the Brenda doll. Now, Jane just had to find an ex-parrot…
She did. Well, sort of. The nearby pet store had a parrot with a bunch of splotches on his feathers that looked like X’s. Lilith and Jane decided that, at least for now, the “x” parrot would have to do, until someone more imaginative than dougie_monty posted here.
“And if that isn’t bad enough, he brought Vera and Phoebe into the picture! What a jerk! How can we compete with them?" Lilith asked Jane.
“You forget, Lilith,” Jane answered, The Pizza Boy and Sominod haven’t been anywhere near dougie’s bimbos. They’re clear across town! Our guys are in the Starbuck’s across the street.”
“Yeah, that’s right…shall we give them both barrels?” suggested Lilith.
“Ready when you are!” And Lilith and Jane set the X parrot and the politically-correct doll down long enough to strip down to their panties and bras. Thus caparisoned they picked up the doll and the bird and swaggered into Starbuck’s.
The pizza guys did what came naturally. Then the girls continued with their plan using the parrot and the doll, to…
Then the girls continued with their plan using the parrot and the doll, to…
change Jane back into John, and turn the Pizza Boy into the Pizza Girl. While Lilith kept Sonimod and the Pizza Boy “occupied,” Jane placed the politically correct doll on a chair across from the Pizza Boy (Jane reasoned that the doll was supposed to be a real girl, so she might as well give the doll a seat.) She then placed the X-parrot on the Pizza Boy’s shoulder. Pizza Boy was so “occupied” with Lilith that he didn’t notice at all. The large fluffy pillow was already being used by Lilith and Sonimod in a very unique and interesting way. If Jane hadn’t seen it with her own eyes, she wouldn’t have believed that a pillow that large could be crammed that far into a body cavity. After snapping a quick picture to post on the internet later, Jane dropped the wooden badger onto the table with a loud clunk. This got everyone’s attention, and reminded Lilith that it was time to begin the spell. Lilith stopped what she was doing and quickly began casting the spell, which wasn’t easy considering where the pillow was. Meanwhile, Jane began doing the funny walk…
Meanwhile, Jane began doing the funny walk…
Which was even funnier now that “Jane” was “John” now and the other customers, and the Starbuck’s employees, all laughed. So did the Pizza “Girl,” Sominod, and Lilith, whose ponderous breasts (Thanks to the spore cloud! :D) heaved almost enough to make her lose her balance.
Then who should walk into the place but Jan Harold Brunvand, who told John, “I was tipped off about what you’ve done with the pillow!” John showed Brunvand the negative and he offered to buy it from her–at top price.
“Now I can have some evidence to show Chuck Shepherd and Cecil Adams–but it will work better if there’s a gerbil in that pillow!”
John sighed and admitted to Mr. Brunvand…
Twas dark and damp that night, but John
And Sheila’s Necronomicon
Was soon forgot when she, with joy
Went “swinging” with the Pizza Boy.
Through carelessness, Sheila became
Susan, and retained that name.
It matters not (she soon was shot)
Replaced by John’s old flame.
Now Margot had become a nun
And clown, and expert with a gun.
The evil book turned John into
A newt, then back. Outside he flew.
Inside a briefcase was a Spore
Cloud and some pics of Z. Gabor.
Invisibly, Dan Rather blew
Covering all with unseen goo.
The Pizza Boy and Margot Clown
Turned the bedclothes upside down.
A picture of Gabor became
Joe Camel, of cigarette fame.
A bulldozer drove through the damp
Not very well, by a table lamp.
Another nun fell from a tree
Then died under bulldozer three.
New characters? Okay, why not?
Jehovah’s Witnesses were shot.
Alanis Morissette sang a song,
But she was buried before long.
Lilith the Milkmaid cast a spell.
(The Pizza Boy soon knew her well.)
Even Cecil showed his face,
Then returned to his hiding place.
The Pizza Boy (that awful flirt!)
Forgot how to put on his shirt.
And so, confused for Sonimod,
Watched slide shows that caused him to nod.
John and the Nun sought out their foe
The Pizza Boy. Soon a dodo
Watched a sex-starved buxom thing
Put Pizza Boy back on the swing.
Then Sonimod (the real one) came,
Convinced his uncle of his name,
And planned with him to steal from dams.
Only a spore cloud could spoil their plans.
John became, once more, a newt.
Joe tried to help, but made him cute
“Jane” instead. So Lilith tried
To restore John to male outside.
I’m outta here. Starting a real job next week. It’s been fun.
TLB
If you like the above, go to http://www.rationalmagic.com/Archive/Venus.htm
Oh my god!
That was incredible!
Very well done, ThreeLeggedBob!
John sighed and admitted to Mr. Brunvand…
that there WAS a gerbil inside the pillow case. Mr. Brunvand was ecstatic at this news. Lilith overheard John’s admission and commented “Well, that explains why I thought I felt the pillow squirming. That was actually kinda fun.” Pizza Girl (formerly Pizza Boy) had heard this legend before, so she lit her cigarette lighter and held it behind Lilith. “Get real!” Lilith snorted to Pizza Girl, “if you think I’m going to let you do that gerbil-cannonball thing, you’re crazy!” Lilith reached down to pull out the gerbil-stuffed pillow, but fate had a different idea. As soon as Lilith reached down, the weight of her massive size-FFF breasts pulled her over onto her hands and knees. Pizza Girl’s lighter was still lit. Then the gaseous remains of last night’s bean burrito entered the picture…
burst into flames, arcing arcoss the evening sky, blinding those that were staring at the souce (“damn my eyes!”) and then, as the rolling flames reached n impossible peak, they wavered…seemingly waiting for some event, some as yet untold occurance. To some, the thought “this must be how the spore cloud was formed” occured. They were, of course, idiots. The gaseous fireball, hovering in mid-air, tangile and permiating, was in fact…
The gaseous fireball was in fact…
The energy villain from an episode of Star Trek, forced to wander through the galaxies for more than 30 years since the show was cancelled. The glob of energy was quite smug, knowing that Messrs. Shatner and Nimoy were no longer making Star Trek movies and would not oppose it.
Meanwhile, in the adjacent building, the Pizza Boy offered Lilith a rose. Though an ardent–and quite serious–feminist, Lilith appreciated the gesture since the rose was still alive; he handed her a small flower-pot with a little rose bush in it; one rose had bloomed. He handed this to her with a flourish, and a sincere “For you, Lilith.” 
The energy villian saw and heard this act of kindness and sincerity, both sentiments unknown to it and its ilk. Not knowing what to do, the glob of force contracted and then shot out through the open door like a pebble propelled by a slingshot–a good idea since one of its mortal foes, Kang from The Simpsons, was waddling toward the Starbuck’s (actually in search of cappucino). The buxom and love-starved Lilith, meanwhile, decided to reward the Pizza Boy handsomely; so she…
The buxom and love-starved Lilith, meanwhile, decided to reward the Pizza Boy handsomely; so she…
decided to change him back into a boy. Remember, he was still a girl because of the gender switching spell. As soon as Pizza Boy was back to his normal self, she’d take him back to her place and test out her love spells ;). First things first, however: “Can anyone get this damn gerbil out of my rectum?” she called out. Mr. Brunvand immediatly responded “Ooo! Ooo! I know how to get it out.” He grabbed the cigarette lighter and held it behind Lilith’s backside. The flame ignited a pocket of methane behind the gerbil…
…ignited a flame behind the gerbil…
“…and we had sudden-fried gerbil,” said Soupy Sales, appearing here just long enough to deliver this quip.
Mr. Brunvand didn’t laugh; he was here on serious business.
Meanwhile, Lilith heard an agonized wheeze and realized she was stepping on the chest of C. Montgomery Burns, the villainous CEO from The Simpsons. Having had a bellyful of Burns (and Smithers!), Lilith, with no hesitation, decided the best thing to do right away was…
Having had a bellyful of Burns (and Smithers!), Lilith, with no hesitation, decided the best thing to do right away was…
Transfer the gender-changing spell to Mr. Smithers! Everyone knew that Smithers was in love with Mr Burns, so Lilith turned Wayland Smithers into Wanda Smithers. Wanda then professed her love for old Montey Burns, who was not too surprised. “Excellent!” he said, “Well then, my dear, why don’t we go back to the office for a ‘special executive meeting’?” “Yes sir!” Wanda said with enthusiam, and then she helped Burns out of the Starbucks and the pair headed back to the power plant.
The Pizza Boy, who was once again a male, turned to Lilith, John, Sonimod, and Mr Brunvand and said…
…but I think it’s time has come.
If you’ve got a good ending, run with it.
All right, then. Here we go…
Outside the Starbucks, the fireball entity encountered the spore cloud. Fireball entities are the natural preditors of spore clouds, so the entity attacked the spore cloud and consumed it with its flames. Just before the spore cloud died, however, it used the last of its power to give the fireball entity enormous breasts. Much larger and heavier than the ones it gave Lilith. The breasts were so heavy that the fireball sank to the ground and could not fly. A passing car drove through a puddle and splashed it onto the helpless fireball, extinguishing it. The spore cloud had avenged itself.
Meanwhile…
The Pizza Boy, who was once again a male, turned to Lilith, John, Sonimod, and Mr Brunvand and said…
“Well that was fun. What happens now?” “I know what I’m going to do,” John said, drawing his broadsword, “I’m going to kill you, Pizza Boy, because you shot my wife.” Pizza Boy had completely forgotten about that. “Now hold on a second,” he said, stalling, “Can’t we talk about this like gentlemen?” Lilith decided that she didn’t want to see the upcoming violence, so she headed for the ladies’ room. After all, she still had to get that fried gerbil out of her rectum, plus she felt the burrito coming back for a third round. Just before she reached the restrooms, however, she tripped over her massive spore-cloud-issued breasts and fell over. This unleashed another pocket of methane, which was ignited when it contacted the gerbil’s still-smoldering fur. There was a loud “bang” and the gerbil shot out of Lilith’s rectum like a bullet. The furry projectile rocketed across the room and struck Pizza Boy right on the back. Unfortunately for Pizza Boy, flying gerbils pack alot of whallop. The impact of the flaming gerbil knocked Pizza Boy’s forward, and right onto John’s sword, skewering him like a shish-kebob. His days as a psychotic sex-crazed wage-slave were over. John pulled the sword out of Pizza Boy and, in a dramatic final blow, chopped off Pizza Boy’s head. He then turned and walked triumphantly out of the Starbucks.
Lilith suffered second- and third-degree burns to her anus. While she was in the hospital recovering, the Satanic milkmaid had time to read the fine print on her contract with the devil. There she found the clause about her soul burning in hell after her death. “Hey, Satan told me that they don’t do that anymore! That liar!” So Lilith renounced her satanic ways and became a fundamentalist Southern Baptist. After a few breast-reduction surgeries, Lilith could walk without tripping, but she was still the best endowed woman in town.
Sonimod and Sominod continued their plans to steal all of the Hoover Dam’s electricity for their home planet. Their plan was foiled, however, when they couldn’t find an extension cord long enough. Their alien society had to admit defeat and stop using slide shows as a method of entertainment.
Mr Brunvand wrote a new book entitled The Gerbil Legend Comes to Life. It was a best-seller.
Joe Camel, still bitter about losing his job, drifted around for a while before joining an anti-government militia. He’s currently hiding out somewhere in Montana.
John went back home, his wife’s death avenged. He eventually hooked up with Lilith and the pair had more stange adventures, which might be the subject of future neverending threads…
THE END