Some people like football or romantic movies or stamp collecting or bunny rabbits, and I think those things are fine. But what I really love more than anything else is picking my nose.
Picking your nose feels great, it’s good for you, it doesn’t cost anything, it doesn’t require any equipment or tools aside from your own body parts, and it’s a hobby you can do anywhere. And for someone like me with hay fever, there’s nothing quite as relieving as pulling out a big, sinus-blocking, nostril-stretching booger. It feels so good that sometimes when my nose is booger-free, I’m sad, because I wish there were some boogers up there that I could dig out.
Finger Selection: One thing I find interesting about nosepicking is the fingers I use. I have different finger preferences for each nostril:
RIGHT NOSTRIL: Left Index 54%, Right Index 43%, Right Pinkie 7%
LEFT NOSTRIL: Left Index 100%.
I’m not exactly sure why, but my left nostril is exclusively the domain of my left index finger. Yet my right nostril is serviced by three fingers – both index fingers, plus the pinkie when extra penetration is needed to get at those hard-to-reach nuggets. Some people are big fans of Q-Tips for mining the proboscis, but I prefer a traditional, exclusively manual approach.
It seems to me that when I was younger, I used a larger selection of fingers. I’m quite sure that when I was a child I used all my fingers at one point or another for clearing out the snout. But no longer. I wonder why that is? Maybe as you age your fingers grow more than your nose.
Booger Disposal: I consider myself something of a self-taught expert in the field of booger disposal. Just about anyone can pick their nose, but it’s your skill at getting rid of the evidence that really separates the master from the apprentice.
Disposal can be achieved in four ways; the Dump, the Wipe, the Flick, or the Plant. But before you can move on to determining the preferred method of disposal, the first part of disposal is ABG, or Assessment of Booger Consistency. As I am sure you know, not all boogers are created equal. Some are relatively hard and formed upon extraction, some are semi-formed and gluey, and some are dribbly and get all over your finger. The consistency of a booger directly affects the available methods of disposal, which you can refer to in this handy chart:
DUMP: The booger is put in a tissue or gum wrapper or some such thing and disposed of in a receptacle, such as a garbage bin or toilet. Suitable for all booger types.
WIPE: The booger is deposited on a semi-absorbent surface, such as the back of a sofa or a carpet. This is the only method possible for liquid, dribbly boogers. Also works for semi-solid boogers, though not as well.
FLICK: The booger is propelled through space to be lost forever on the floor or ground. Best for solid and semi-solid types.
PLANT: The booger is carefully deposited in an essentially intact state on a solid surface. Usually this is the underside of a table or desk; bolder nosenauts seem to like putting them on bathroom walls and stuff. Not my style. Suitable only for semi-solid specimens.
Really, the problem is always when you have really liquefied, dribbly snot. There’s just no easy way to get rid of it, and it isn’t very fun to pick. Sometimes I try just leaving it on my finger until it solidifies enough to roll and flick, but this means you don’t have use of your hand for a few minutes. If I’m nose mining on my office it also means I have to hide my hand under my desk in case someone comes in, which makes it look as if I’m reaching for a gun. Not exactly a welcoming sort of open door policy.
So a new technique I’ve invented is the PPAS, or Pre-Pick Aeriation and Solidification. Basically what I do is lean my head back and snuffle air in my nose but OUT my mouth in long, deep breaths, so that the moisture in the booger is absorbed by the incoming air. After a few minutes it’s ripe to be picked.
Anyone else have any pointers on effective nosepicking? Questions, concerns, suggestions?