I will give you a bit of my online dating background though:
I got separated in 2003, divorced in 2005. I re-entered the dating world in my early 30s, and went a little crazy for a while dating a lot of people. It was like going from a meal of stale bread and brackish water to a 4-star all-you-can-eat buffet. I’ve had paid memberships to eHarmony, Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, and unpaid memberships to sites like OKCupid and PlentyofFish. I’ve also been on more specific dating sites like BBWFinder and SweetonGeeks.
In addition, for 2 years, I was DJ Melody on Freak Radio and did a Wednesday Night Hump Day show where we talked about sex, love, dating, adult toys, and other things. As I said in the show - I’m not always an expert, just someone who’s not afraid to talk about these things.
So, here’s my thought. We could use this thread to ask any online dating questions you have. It could be as simple as our opinion of a particular website, or what some of the acronyms might mean, or more specific like “how many times do I contact them before I give up” or “what do I do when the guy is too ugly?”
I’m also happy to pass along my tips and experiences as applicable, if y’all are interested.
(dear mods - if this is inappropriate, please let me know - I promise not to be offended.)
Long convulted version
Okay, as long as this is turning into a pseudo-advice thread. Here’s my dilemma (<-is that spelled right?).
I exchanged a few emails with a girl over the course of a night (two each way), she didn’t reply to my last one. The next day I sent another one with just a question in (what kind of movies do you like, or something like that), no reply, the next day I sent her another email along the lines of “It was nice talking to you, if you’re still interested etc etc etc”, nothing. Then about 3 weeks later I sent her one more (what do I have to lose at this point) email telling her I’m still interested if she still wants to talk. The next day she apologized and said that she’s been REALLY busy and just hasn’t had time (despite the fact that she’s online for at least an hour a day…just while I’m on) and that it would be easier if she could call me, and asked for my phone number. I replied and tried to carry on the conversation but didn’t send my number. Haven’t heard back since. That was a few days ago. Just an hour ago, I sent her another “if you’re still interested” email.
So, do I just let this go? Do I send her my phone number and accept that even though she’s online all the time, maybe she really has been busy. It’s entirely possible she just signs on but walks away from the computer, or she just signs on for a second but match.com takes a while to update her online/offline status.
My plan, at the moment has been wait for her to have her IM’s turned on and just send her an IM.
She’s one of the only people I’ve had any interest in pursuing…perhaps an email that says “Wow, totally forgot to put my phone number in that email, sorry about that. xxx-xxx-xxxx, I’ll be at home tonight and tomorrow after work if you want to chat.” I don’t know why, but I’d prefer to just jump right in and meet her face to face.
TLDR version
We’ll exchange a few emails, then I won’t hear from her again for a while, I’ll send another email, she’ll reply, I’ll reply, then I won’t hear from her again. Do I pursue this or let it go? I’m trying to chalk it up to her just being really busy in life…as opposed to being flakey.
I think the email that says “Wow - forgot to send you my number - sorry about that” is a good idea.
There’s a number of reasons why she may want your phone number that are legitimate - I know I always like to talk on the phone before I meet someone the first time. It’s just less awkward to me that way.
That being said, send the email AND move on. That way you aren’t waiting around for her to call back - you’re getting busy yourself. And you will be less disappointed if it was just a delay tactic on her part.
This might also be a good indication of how a relationship with her might go. I went on a few dates with a guy who would be very responsive for a while, and then drop out of sight, only to reappear a few days later and be very responsive again. No, he wasn’t a spy or a married man - it’s just the way he was. I knew myself well enough to know that I needed someone who was more interested in a form of regular communication - rather than a “where’d you go? there you are!” peek-a-boo kind of thing. So I moved on.
(Incidentally, he and I are now very good friends. Just because someone is not a good romantic match doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their company in other ways!)
My guess is that she’s talking to more then just me. That guess is based solely on the fact that during the first time she didn’t respond to me, she’d be online, with her IM’s turned on, but her profile pulled out of the search results. If that’s the reason, I’m fine with that. That’s what these dating sites are all about.
As much as I hate to send another email, I think I’ll send her my phone number. The worst she can do is ignore it.
I’d agree with Melody - there are kind of mixed signals there shakes fist at ladies, but if she asked for your number, that’s a definite sign of some level of interest. I would reply with my number and leave it at that. At this point if she doesn’t call and doesn’t write back within I’d say two weeks at the latest… let it go.
I hope it’s okay if some of us other seasoned veterans pop in with our own advice, as well.
In general, I’ve found that people using pay sites aren’t nearly as flaky as those using free sites. I have had horrible luck on POF and OkCupid and really good luck on Match.com and Yahoo personals. When you pay, you’re much more invested in actually getting to a meeting point.
I think the options are send her your phone number or don’t bother. Your wording sounds fine. I mean, I’d see through it but if I were interested I’d still call. And I get wanting to just meet in person but one phone conversation isn’t really odd. If you have a nice conversation then you can ask to meet in person, but cross that bridge when you get to it.
Okay, send the “So sorry I didn’t see that you asked for my number/here it is” email. And I used match.com’s VIP Email (which I actually find kinda creepy, but I want to know if she reads it).
**Alice **- absolutely - I thought this could be one general posting with anyone giving advice or asking questions!
In my experience, different sites seemed to work better in different regions of the country. When I lived in Denver, Yahoo! Personals was my go-to paid site. When I moved back to the East Coast, I had better luck with Match.com and OKC.
I am. If she calls or writes, that’s great, but the ball is as in her court as it can get. In fact, if I don’t hear from her in a few days, I’ll hide her profile, so she can still contact me, but her profile won’t be displayed to me around the site.
What are your thoughts on the standard dinner date being the worst sort of date ever? Aside from being generic, I have always found that dinner dates feel like I’m either on a job interview or taking out a potential client.
Not really.
It places the ball in her court where she can decide whether she wants to call you or not.
It’s like this. If I’m at a cocktail party or a conference or whatever talking with someone, me asking for their number is a good way to end the conversation and never talk to them again (unless I want to…which I don’t). Me giving them my number lets them call me (which they will a hundred times).
I didn’t do dinner dates for a first date/meet-and-greet. It took too long, and there was too much pressure. I much preferred just meeting for a very casual coffee date - have a cup of coffee/tea together, and end it after about an hour or less. No second date if there’s no interest.
Since a first date can be nervous-making, I like to make sure it’s some kind of activity followed by an opportunity for coffee or a bite to eat after. For example, going to a movie and then dinner vs. the other way around - or a concert, or a play, or a sports activity.
Something where you can sit and watch and make comments to each other during - and just see if your snippets of conversation are helping you click. Then after, if you aren’t really sure about sharing your life history with the date - you can still use the activity to start the conversation.
“I really loved the scene where the guy. . . .” or “If you liked this movie, you should see. . .” or “I can’t believe Boggs let the pitch roll through his legs!!”
If you make sure the activity is doing something you enjoy, you’ll be relaxed and your date will see you in your comfort zone. And it’s a lot easier to tell if this is someone you can get along with.
Not that I would cast all dinner dates aside - sometimes, if you and your date are foodies and want to go on a culinary adventure - that can be a great adventure too - like a great sushi place or a japanese steakhouse, etc.
My least favorite dates in the world have been the one where the guy suggests walking around the mall after. This has happened to me twice. Both times, I was wearing heels and the slick marble floors set me on edge. Plus, what the heck are you supposed to do at the mall? I’m not going to try on shoes or clothes in front of someone I’ve just met - and I’m not going to coo and window-shop and try to play the princess and make him buy me stuff. Those, in my opinion, are much worse than dinner dates. At least when you are in a restaurant there is a natural progression towards an end. The waiter brings the check and you can escape!
I don’t even call it a date- I think of it as a meeting, to see if we want to date. Even less pressure! And yes, casual coffee, no dinner, an hour at the most.
Technically, the ol’ dinner-and-a-movie is the worst 1st date evah. You don’t really get to know each other while you’re sitting silently and passively watching a movie. And yes, dinner is too much of a time and/or money investment for a first date.
Best 1st date suggestion I’ve heard? Meeting each other at such-and-such time at the local dog park. Public area, you have other things to do if you don’t hit it off with each other, and the escape route is easy to access. Granted, it’s specific to dog owners, but if ya are one, try that route.
I am female. I keep reading here that men are at a numerical disadvantage on dating sites. I am on OKC and EHarmony right now. EH has been strange; for a while I had men contacting me, and responses when I contacted them; but over the past four months, I have had NO activity at all. I mean, I send them a note and get…NOTHING. No response, not closing the match…nothing at all. They are not even looking at my profile, so it is not as if they are rejecting me after seeing it.
I had let my membership to EH lapse for about six months, and still received matches during that down time. So I assume that they were sending MY profile to men, yet I could not respond - I thought maybe this was what was happening. But it has been consistent for the past four months (and frankly, I’m getting a complex about it). I have never had a man be disappointed when he met me in person. What gives? It’s the same info, same picture as last time - I got responses before, but not now. Do I need to change my picture and profile just to make it look fresh? Am I getting “stale”?
