Yeah, I dunno, it’s silly. I hate lying, and I pretty much wouldn’t do it at all with relationships that I might actually pursue, but in these instances I’m always tempted to tell them the wrong sign. Then later, they can say “see what you just said, you’re such a [sign]! I knew you’d say that” and then mock them.
You know what’s silly about the whole thing? She answered “Do you think astrology is important in a match?” and she answered no, with a write in that says it’s not really that important but it matters for certain things. Which… seems even dumber. Either it’s important or it isn’t, and obviously it’s important, so… yeah, maybe she’s kind of flakey too.
If it’s not too late, tell her that after your first meeting she should try to guess your sign.
You may want to phrase this part differently, but if astrology is all it’s cracked up to be she should be able to figure it out without you telling her. Give her one guess, maybe two, then tell her what sign you are.
Oh it’s not a big deal since I was leaning towards a non-reply anyway. But that’s a good solution. It gets me away from the constant nagging feeling that whatever judgement she’s making about me is based on random magic while not giving her a blunt response that’s going to make her say “my beliefs are super special, how dare you shit on them!”
If it fails, oh well. I’m actually a little curious if she gets it right or if like, she gets it wrong 6 times before she gets it right, and what her reaction would be.
Of course, I probably know - whenever anyone’s BS is put to the test, there are no limits to the rationalizations they can make.
I’ve met two women now in the last 2 months…one was a result of Facebook, and the other a result of E-harmony. I’m finding dating fascinating…I’m learning more about what i like as a result. Here’s what has happened thus far.
Woman 1: Met on Facebook. We have an amazing amount of similar interests. Interests include running, science, being outdoorsy, travel, similar concepts on religion. We went on about six dates. She is very much into me, but is still somewhat guarded. However for some reason I haven’t felt a “chemistry” feeling…that spark that makes me really excited to interact with her. I like her look physically although she is a bit heavier. I decided I wasn’t ready to go further…and we agreed not to end our friendship / a possible future…just put things on hold for the moment.
Woman 2: Just met her last night. Conversing for a couple of months on EHarmony. We have a moderate amount of similar interests. Music, science, logical nature. From my end…I really felt drawn to her personality. She is confident, open, and direct. Also quick to laugh and has a higher level of energy. She is very much a physical match. I felt that excitement and Chemistry I didn’t feel with Woman 1. However I’m not sure she feels the same way. The date was mostly sitting and conversation. There were a couple of moments of somewhat awkward silence. As well at times she had her arms crossed and only gave me glancing looks at times. We went for a walk, and ended the night without any physical contact. So I’m putting the odds at 60% she will walk from future dates.
My conclusion though is that Chemistry and excitement is not necessarily related to similar interests…at least for me.
IME, chemistry is never related to anything except chemistry. That’s why we (well, I) sometimes have sex with people we wouldn’t necessarily date, and find ourselves wishing we could feel a spark with otherwise great people.
Yeah, I wish chemistry weren’t so stupid and I could just magically like a guy because he’s technically a good match. There’s my current boy who I feel like I should like, for example. He’s attractive, smart, nice, bla bla bla, but when I’m with him I just don’t feel anything. I mean, I’ll do him because he’s totally cute, but that’s it. Which is too bad because he’s technically boyfriend material, but there’s no spark, so here I am slumming through OKCupid like some kind of an animal.
Amen. I’ve gone out with maybe a dozen women this year from OKC and I only felt one and a half sparks. If every woman also feels 1.5 sparks for every 12 men, what are the odds that your sparks will align? Only 1.56%. And even if you do find that special someone, you’ll be broke and diabetic from all the mocha frappuccinos it took to get there.
My reply would have been honest: “I just didn’t want to bug you. I really do want to meet you.”
Or, “really DID want to meet you before you flipped out over my perfectly reasonable behavior …” but that might be a touch too much honesty.
However, I’m a big believe that it’s easy to miscommunicate, especially electronically, and cut some slack, see if there’s any chemistry.
Not that I know anything about online dating. I haven’t dated since 1986, which my wife appreciates. I don’t know why I’m even reading this thread, other than possibly the rubbernecking syndrome, passing accidents on the highway.
I think this might have come up, but I couldn’t find it and this thread is the one thread where I feel justified not reading everything before jumping in.
My question. How to respond (or not) to people I’m not interested in? I’m a woman so just for that I get more messages than I need. Now, if you just say “hi” and/or have an empty profile, I’m just going to ignore the message without feeling bad.
But I just don’t know what to do with nice messages from genuinely nice people who I feel I just won’t click with. Ignoring seems rude. But the problems is that when I do reply with a “thanks but no thanks”, so many of them seem to take it as encouragement and they try and start a conversation. I suppose some men (just by virtue of being male, not because they are losers) get such a low reply rate than any reply at all seems like an opportunity. But it is not. So usually at that point I stop replying. And this to me seems to the best thing: Reply with “thanks but no”, then ignore any further attempts at conversation. Do you think that’s about right? Thing is, I just feel so mean blanking people. And since I’m a totally chatty person I actually enjoy chatting, but I think that, no matter how clear I am on this point, chatting with someone I have no intention of dating is not a good idea.
What do you think/do? And what do you prefer happens from the other side? In fact, I think I myself would almost rather be ignored, because I tend to forget those people and/or vaguely assume they were “busy”, whereas an outright “I’m just not into you” would actually hurt - it has never actually happened, though.
I personally prefer someone to tell me thanks but no thanks. Just being ignored feels worse, like you aren’t even worth a casual response to. I mean, this is if you put some effort into the message and customize it to them - if it’s just a generic message they said to everyone it’s better to ignore it.
I always prefer a “no thanks” to being ignored – I’d much rather know where I stand than wonder if the guy’s busy/seeing someone/dead – and I try to follow the golden rule. So if it seems like the guy made any effort whatsoever, I always reply with at least an “I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’re a good match.” If they take that as license to continue sending me messages, I feel no further obligation to respond. (Though that’s only happened once: a guy got super pissy when I said “no thanks,” then had the gall to write a third time saying that maybe I just needed to consider him more carefully…I wound up having to block him, but I didn’t write to him after that initial reply.) You’re not “blanking” someone if you’ve already said no.
I never enable chat, so that’s not an issue for me.
Ya all are way too over analyzing this and expecting too much out of this tool.
Think of these websites as a bar. It is better than a bar because there are more people in it and most of them are looking but it is worse than a bar because you can’t see if you have some chemistry before you approach someone.
If you are a woman sitting at a bar and you give a ‘come over and talk’ signal to a guy and he doesn’t, do you feel you are owed a ‘thanks but no thanks’?
If you are a man and approach a woman at a bar and she doesn’t give you positive body language do you feel you should get a ‘thanks, but no thanks’?
No. You tried, you were ignored. Same on these sites. Don’t try to over-use a tool. Use it for what it is made for and move on.
Once you get past the idea that these websites are the equivalent of conversation or letters and think of it more as a bar, the happier you will be with the tool.
Reading someone’s profile, checking out your match questions, knowing you have a lot in common, then writing them a thoughtful note that talks about your mutual interests is a lot more substantial of a connection than a glance or some body language at a bar.
Plus no one demanded anything. Someone asked what people wanted and how they reacted to various types of rejection, so I gave my opinion.
People are pretty divided on this. I’d prefer to be ignored. Whenever I get a message, I get excited, so when it’s just a polite rejection, it’s really disheartening.
I agree with SenorBeef. Yeah, some message are more like “hey girl, wanna fuck” or variants thereof and I don’t feel any need to reply to those. But I really do at times get messages from guys who seem sincere and write considerate and nice messages - unfortunately I’m just not always interested. But this doesn’t feel like a bar scenario at all - just nice people doing what the site is set up for.
Also, BlinkingDuck, I’m not at all unhappy with the tool - just asking for an opinion. I think you read a lot of your own ideas into both my question and the answers.
Misnomer, thanks. You confirmed what I thought (and do).
I’ve been told that because you can’t really guess tone in an online profile posting, I shouldn’t “be myself”, that it’ll come off as creepy or psychotic. Even though I think its hilarious.
Ladies, tell me what you would think if you saw the below in a profile.
For the question “What would I notice about you if we first meet?” I put: That I’m not on fire, not even a little bit
That’s why we (well, I) sometimes have sex with people we wouldn’t necessarily date, and find ourselves wishing we could feel a spark with otherwise great people.