Recently I met a guy from match.com. And when I say recently, I mean as recently as this past Sunday. After a few email exchanges, we met up for tea and had a nice chat. I thought our conversation went well, and I was pleased to see that he had a lot of nice qualities. So I put him in my “has promise” mental inbox. Told him that I enjoyed meeting him in a follow-up text. I thought maybe a phone call a few days later would be cool so we could set up a fullblown date this weekend.
Since Sunday, the guy hasn’t held back in his pursuit for my attention. He texted me during work the Monday, yesterday, and today. Strings of small talk stuff. He called me yesterday and we talked, but it’s wasn’t the most engaging convo ever (I dislike talking on the phone and I told him this on Sunday). Today he asked me (via text) to call him tonight; honestly I don’t feel like it and I don’t feel like answering if he calls. Shouldn’t I be pleased when he calls? Why does it feel like a chore? He’s taken to calling me “pretty lady” and “beautiful” a lot, too. At first this didn’t bother me but now it just sounds like flattery and overfamiliarity.
Yesterday he set up a date with me for this Thursday and Saturday, and shortly after we’d met for tea on Sunday, he asked if I’d be his date for a Christmas party next week. Even though I initially agreed to all three dates, today I text him to let him know I can’t make the Thursday one. It seems too much, too much to me. Unless it’s an infactuation-at-first sight scenario (which is exceedingly rare for me), I can’t imagine having three dates in a 1-week period with someone and NOT losing interest in them. Maybe my chronic singleness has made it easy for me to feel overwhelmed, I dunno.
I’m starting to feel as if any chemistry we might mutually develop is not germinating due to the lack of air. Like, maybe I could like this guy, if only he would give me the chance to miss him. Just a little bit.
Questions for yall:
How should I tell this guy to slow up in a way that won’t cause hurt feelings or future awkwardness? If you were him, what would you want me to say?
Is this a major sign of incompatibility? Has the ship already sailed on this one? I’ve never been in a situation in which a guy was doing something that made me lose interest in them and yet somehow I was able to recover this interest after they modified their behavior per my request. Have any of you?
He’s unwilling to give you a chance to give him a chance.
He’s put you in the position of having to make a yes/no decision; and he needs to learn that “no” is always the default decision when made under pressure.
You say, “Gosh I am having so much fun getting to know you, but you are moving too fast and three dates inside of one week is more than I can do right now, especially during the busy holiday season. How about the following Saturday? (Or whatever day is good for you).”
If being truthful is hurting someone’s feelings, than how do you expect to establish an open honest relationship if you can’t be honest up front?
See, I feel like this cuts both ways. Perhaps this guy is trying to get his message across because in the past he hasn’t and things have gotten away from him. And you are probably overwhelmed after a long time of being single.
I say give him a chance but don’t agree to all dates so quickly. On your next date casually mention how you don’t like spending a whole lot of time with people to begin with, that you like to let them grow on you. Maybe make a joke about how you like fungus; over time you like someone to grow on you (or something to that effect). But make it clear (but friendly!) you like him but also like space.
I would not call this a dealbreaker. Think about how few people you’re attracted to in the world, subtract the ones with terrible personalities and subtract the stupid ones. Now subtract the controlling ones and the ones who play mind games. Now subtract the people with weird gangster signs in their Facebook pictures. You’re left with like ten dudes, right? Even if he’s not “the one”, you could really enjoy the time you spend together (like 6-8 months or something). Don’t pass it up because he comes on strong. Just express how you feel gently.
The truth and hurt feelings often go hand in hand. No one wants to be told that they’re behaving in an off-putting manner, or that they have stank breath, or that they are physically unattractive.
Expressing oneself diplomatically is a talent that some people have, others don’t. That’s why I’m asking for advice. Thanks for the suggestion.
I typically don’t advocate lying, but, it might be the easiest thing to do in this case. “We could do Tuesday or Friday this week, then I’m free again next Wednesday” This gives you the flexibility to be open on whatever day works for him, but then you’re busy again the next week (you told your mom/brother/friend you’d do something with them either Tuesday or Thursday, “so whichever day we go out, I’ll see them the other day”.
My guess is that either he’s really into you, he hasn’t dated in a while and he’s excited and/or he’s worried if you don’t see him for a few days you’ll forget about him.
I’ve done the last thing a few times (email, not in person) and I wonder if it’s scared people off. Guys are always hearing about how girls get flooded with emails. When someone responds to me it’s a bit of a big deal. So when I get have an email go unanswered for a few days I’ll often send a ‘don’t forget about me’ email to her. That could be what he’s doing, make sure that he get’s to see you more then your other dates.
I’m guessing it’s a mix of everything above. Or he’s just a controlling douche, but you didn’t give me that impression.
I would just use my line above and see how he reacts. Personally, if only seeing you once or twice a week for the first few weeks is going to be a problem he’s either clingy or jealous and you’ll have to decide if that’s okay with you.
Restrict your availability to one or two days a week. “I’m busy” isn’t a lie–after all, spending the night at home curled up on the couch reading is “busy.”
He could be a creepy clinger who will be this way forever. Or he could just be so enthusiastic that he’s trying way too hard. Give him an opportunity to calm down a bit by limiting the contact while being sure to not cut it off completely. If he keeps pushing to spend more time together, even when you’ve made it clear that you don’t enjoy phone conversations and have other plans during the week outside of your one or two dates, that would then be your cue to cut your losses.
What’s the rule on sending someone a second email? I was emailing back and forth on Match three times or so. The last time, on Wednesday, I was a bit rushed and didn’t ask her any questions really. She hasn’t written back though she’s been on. I don’t know if she’s just not interested now, though we had some good emails, or if she just hasn’t had the chance to respond. I’d like to send a second email, but don’t know if I should or not.
Agreed. If I noticed within the next few hours or even a day that I didn’t ask any questions I’d send a “Oh, I forgot to ask you…” email. But you’re a little far our for that. At this point I’d wait until it’s been 1-2 weeks and then send an email along the lines of “I enjoyed talking to you, if you’re still interested I’d love to get to know you better” and let it go.
Then, say this to yourself “There will be another one…and another one…and another one…” If there’s one thing I’ve learned on Match it’s that there will always be another one. It bums me out when I have a good conversation with someone I’m really interested in and then she just stops responding. Usually within a week or two I find someone else I’m just as interested in.
That’s what I figured, but just wanted to make sure. The big problem with match, and a lot of these places, is that I’m in Maryland near DC and it keeps giving me hits for women in Virginia. Yeah it’s close as the crow flies, but it takes way too long. I really wish there were other ways to search besides in a circle.
You could use a zip code from further away from Virginia. You wouldn’t even have to change your profile, just use it for searching.
One of my big problems is that e-mails are only saved for a month. Last week someone showed up that hasn’t been online in 3 or 4 months. I remember wanting to send her an email but couldn’t remember if I ever did or not and had no way of finding out.
Okay, next “What should I do” question. Girl on OKC I keep hemming and hawing about sending an email to. My problem is with a few of her questions. She has small handful of questions that she answered in such a way that the bother me…a little bit. But one question that really bugs me. The question is “Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?” and she answered “Girl-on-girl is okay, but guy-on-guy is wrong.” which strikes me as odd. Now, I guess I have to keep in mind that it’s multiple choice and there could be a valid reason for her answer (maybe she finds it ‘gross’ but otherwise doesn’t have a problem with it, for example). So, do I just walk away from this one, do I email her and ignore it or do I email her and directly ask her about that answer? She does say in her profile “please don’t add me to your favorite list or wink at me, just be bold and straightforward to say exactly what you want to say” so I’m thinking I might as well just go ahead and ask her about that, or course I’m not sure how to say it with tact.
Next question, which I think I already know the answer to. I had a few back and forths with a girl about 6 weeks ago. She disappeared from match for a few weeks and just showed back up about a week ago. Hasn’t written to me, do I send her an email? I did send her a ‘reminder’ email somewhere in the middle of her absence, do I send her another one?
ETA, she specifically says she wants people to be bold and straightforward, so maybe I’ll mention her ‘request’ and come right out and ask the question. If nothing else, I’m going to assume the email will stand out.
Alright, sent off the email, asked her directly about that question. The way I see if, if this were to advance, it’s a question that I would need answered at some point anyways, might as well find out the answer now. Besides, on the off chance that this were to develop into something else, there would be a few other hurdles to clear first. By that I mean, based on some of the things she said in her profile, I’m not sure yet if we would be compatible, might as well hash those out sooner rather then later.
My other question still stands though.
ETA, I’m going to guess she gets quite a few emails, at the very least this should stand out.
Well, I have had a success and wanted to [del]get internet high fives[/del] say how I did it.
I was browsing the Platonic w4m section of Craigslist a few weeks ago, and saw an ad for someone hosting a game night. The host was going to have a friend or two over, and the rest of the people would be strangers off the internet. The ad sounded just like my friend who lives in the area and holds a game night once a month, so I answered it half expecting it to be her. It wasn’t, but the ad poster got a laugh out me assuming she was my friend. I went with absolutely no expectations at all except to have a good time (she said most guys answered it like a personal ad, but she just moved here and was looking to expand her social circle more, not really to date) and try not to be terrified about being in a new place and a huge group of people and knowing none of them. Thankfully, alcohol was involved. We played games and had spaghetti, fun was had by all. I emailed her the next day to say I had fun.
A week later I texted her to say hi. I must have made an impression, because that turned into many texts and emails. Many. Then last Monday she came over and… She’ll be visiting again on Sunday. Anyways, I thought that idea of a game night was a pretty good one. It’s harmless fun and you get to meet all kinds of interesting people, assuming they showed.
Because then you know they’ve received your email and looked at your profile instead of never reading the email and/or making a snap decision based on just the email and picture.
Don’t forget, some people browse privately so even if they had looked at your profile you wouldn’t know it.
