My favourite Onion headline had to be the one about the start of WWI. It went something like:
Austria Declares War On Serbia Declares War On Germany Declares War On Russia Declares War On …
France Accidentally Declared War On Itself
Local Housewife Indicted in Sex - For - Security Scandal has always been my favorite.
Oh, so many, which ones to choose, which ones to choose…
I Hope My Baby Don’t Come Out All Fucked Up and Shit
I am Totally Psyched About this Abortion!
South Postpones Rising Again for Yet Another Year
Cool Dad a Terrible Father
An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers
Today’s New Age Music is Crap
Crazy Japanese Punk Girl Delights Entire Dorm Floor
Band Teacher Gay in Retrospect
Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant
High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science
One of my favorites is from just last week:
Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies
After Readers Digest ran an article about J.K. Rowling, some wacko wrote letters to the editor 2 months in a row quoting the Onion article about how Harry Potter was designed to lead children away from Christianity to devil worship. The editor finally had to break it to her that the Onion is a satire newspaper.
My favorite is the sidebar (no actual article attached): “Hank Williams, Jr. Honored by National Society for Football Preparedness”.
In Our Dumb Century:
In the early 1940s, there’s “Top Scientists Doing Absolutely Nothing in New Mexico Desert”. It’s all about how the scientists are having fun on a campout, making s’mores and hiking. The last sentence is something like “The scientists ask everyone stay at least 200 miles from their campsite as their ghost stories may be ‘very scary’”.
In the mid-80s there’s “Your Legs: Are they Warm Enough?”
The sidebars are always great. A lot of times they outdo the actual articles.
My favorite ever: Special Olympics T-ball stand pitches perfect game.
Agreed. My all-time favorite sidebar is:
“The State Lottery: For the price of bread for your family, you can have a piece of paper with some numbers on it.”
Best Article Ever:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39024
I’d like to see you read that without laughing.
You won’t see me do it. I laughed at the title.
I liked this one
I agree the sidebars are often the best. Some favorites:
Ebert Victorious (right after the death of Gene Siskel
**Melon Balled
Yak Chews Thoughtfully**
And from “Our Dumb Century”, 1943:
Chamberlain Increasingly Wary of Hitler. “I think he may be up to something,” says former British Prime Minister. (Chamberlain really took a beating in that book…)
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster is one of my favorites:
There was a one-two combo in one of the books that reduced me to helplessness, for some reason:
Georgia adds rebel flag, middle finger to state flag
Best Buy suggestion box brimming with urine
The first one had an excellent photo(shop) accompaniment.
Marines change it’s slogan to “The Few”
Boyfriend Ceremoniously Dumped
Ha! Is that second last one Molly Ringwald? Too funny.
thwartme