Cloned Cat Neutered
49-Year-Old Roofer Declares College a 'Waste of Time’
Bush Finds Error in Fermi Lab Report – the article was just as good, and included a photo of Bush addressing an attentive, lab-coated crowd in front of a chalkboard full of higher mathematics.
We could go on forever here I suppose, but here’s a killer from the very latest issue:
Congress Abandons WikiConstitution
As a Royals fan, this article has vaulted to the top of my list.
Man, when your team is an Onion headline, you know they’ve transcended mere suckitude.
I don’t get it.
Clinton feels nation’s pain, breasts
The one that probably made me laugh the hardest, if only because I used to be unable to turn around without somebody reading that “Those were the times I carried you” poem (it was HUGE in rural Alabama in the 80s) was
Bullshit Jesus! Those are MY footprints!
It includes the lines
Random ones I’ve loved:
I Can’t Stand it When Jews Talk During Movies
Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby?
Reader’s Digest: Humor in Uniform Submissions at All Time Low
God Gives Shout Out Back to All His Niggaz
Nation’s Dog Owners Want to Know, ‘Who’s a Good Boy?’
From before the invasion-
Two entries from this week:
1= EVERYBODY who’s ever been a liberal arts major especially can related to this headline
2- read the sections
Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street:
Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29765
My other favorite is an old, old comic strip they ran, contrasting the careers of a philosophy major and business major. I can’t remember the whole thing, but the last frame is “Philosophy major, bitter and disillusioned, but a damn good fry cook.”
That’s probably not the funniest headline ever, but it’s the best one I can remember right now. And it’s all the funnier because she disappeared from the spotlight entirely a few months after that.
Oy gevalt! The Onion stole my Kosher stock car!
From the Rejected NASCAR Products Fark.com Photoshop context on January 21, 2005:
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/1162/koshernascar1jv.jpg
The photo is now gone from the thread, but you can confirm its presence by the comment from Polishwonder74 at the end of the thread.
From this week’s Onion sports section:
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/4946/onionimagearticle1286article0d.jpg
“Jew-Sponsored Stock Car Booed Off Track”
For my roommate who just recently quit his job waiting tables: Waitstaff Tired of Sleeping With Each Other
Or the recent classic: Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory
I also like this one: New Study Finds Jack Shit
Some of my favorites have been mentioned already, such as the entirety of the post-9/11 issue, but here are some I haven’t seen here yet.
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy. “No” says God.
The online version doesn’t have the “‘No’ says God” but we often get the paper version here in Chicago and it was in the hard copy, so that’s how I always think of it.
Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs ‘Oh, Shit,’ Says Humanity
And this one is my all-time favorite. When we walked by the newstand and saw it, I laughed so hard I think I peed my pants a little . I was useless for hours afterward:
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People
It still makes me laugh.
This was one of the first Onion articles I had ever read. The headline alone isn’t the funniest, but the article was cute.
Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck
This one is my favorite headline, from 3 weeks after 9/11/01:
A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again
For those who liked this article, check this out – it’s the official government jobs website. The picture they have on their home page of a smiling government worker is the same picture the Onion uses of Cindy Sheehan’s supposed other son. It’s funny – I always thought the Onion grabbed people around the office to pose for their photographs; surely they don’t just troll the web for pictures? If that’s the case, I wanna know who those people in the daily question segment are, and what they think of their mini-fame.
Slight amend to my post above. Looks like the website cycles through a couple different pictures before getting to “Tyler Sheehan.” Link to the isolated picture is here.
Since the photo from the government website is cropped differently, I expect they just bought it from the same stock photo agency.
–Cliffy
I weep with laughter.
God Angrily Clarifies “Do Not Kill” rule (9/11 issue)
Area Bassist Fellated
New Study Shows: Babies are Stupid (from the book)
There was another one that I can’t remember, having to do with allegations about oppression by The Man. The article contained something like “The Man reports that he was hurt by these allegations. ‘I had no idea people felt this way!’ The Man was quoted as saying …” Can anyone help?
