Nah, they just take turns every week. What’s cool is you can go to the website and they have all the columns for the last who knows how many months or years.
Whats realy scary is so many of my friends not only like Anchower, but resemble him in too many ways.
I’m very surprised by how many people love the columnists. I have long considered them the most boring, annoying, and weak part of The Onion.
There usually is an excellent lead article, and the horoscopes, what-do-you-think, and statshot are consistently humorous. The rest is pretty hit-n-miss.
I know, I just haven’t seen anything new from Jean lately, and I’ve read all the archives.
BTW, in the Onion books, do they have those columns?
The first book from The Onion, Our Dumb Century doesn’t have any columnists, it is just front pages. Their second book, The Onion’s Finest News Reporting: Volume One has examples of all the different sections. However, there aren’t many from the columnists, only about one from each.
They moved from Madison, Wisconsin to New York City last year. Of course they suck now.
Wumpus
(Born and raised in Mad City)
I was bored, so I decided to think of some of the articles that have been funny, and came up with a whole bunch:
Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People
I’ll Smoke Anything
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Man With Complete Mama’s Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again
Shi’ite Terrorists Cross County Line- ‘We’ll never catch those Farouk boys now,’ says sheriff
Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland
U.S. Ambassador To Bulungi Suspected Of Making Country Up
Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom
Phish Collapses Onstage
ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod
Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency
Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons
'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch
Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents
Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue
Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion
Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out
Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck
Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir
South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year
Clinton Makes Collage for Best Friend
Clinton Molested By Visiting Uncle
Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald’s
Congress Holds Weekend Trust-Building Retreat
Aging Pope ‘Just Blessing Everything In Sight,’ Say Concerned Handlers
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God
Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race
Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl
Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter ‘Worth The Wait’ For Christian Newlyweds
Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity
Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away
Fairy-Princess Ranks Depleting As Girls Aspire To Be Doctors, Lawyers
Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing
Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence- All Are Killed
Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street
Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou
Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole
Attorney Gives Young Woman His Card, The Creeps
Mall Security All Up In Girl’s Face
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again
Wedding- Reception DJ’s Choice Of ‘Strokin’’ Proves Controversial
Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker
Marxist Student Has Capitalist Parents
Nation’s Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder
Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated ‘Opening Of The Gerbil’s Tomb’
As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor
Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself
I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor
I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit
My Baby Don’t Need No Medicine (unfortunately, no longer there, but I MIGHT have it saved…)
Depends Ain’t So Damn Dependable
That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!
Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To
This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent!
Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?
Today’s New Age Music Is Crap
Today’s Women Don’t Like It When You Come To Them As A Bull Or Swan
I’m Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze
My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes
I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion!
What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night?
People Don’t Like It When You Call Them Stupid
The Plumbing Business Is Not As Glamorous As The Porn Industry Depicts
And let’s not forget “There’s No ‘My Daughter Has Cancer’ In ‘Team’”. So very very wrong, and so very very funny.
=(
I have to agree it’s more of a buildup of tolerance than any sort of systematic failure on the Onion’s part. That and a selective memory - you can remember the ones you thought were really funny, but not the ones that didn’t do anything for you…
But I’ll never forget the Superconducting Monkey Collider either, that one had me in fits.
Or:
Bill Gates Grants Self 20 Charisma, complete with a Bill Gates D&D character sheet.
Guinastasia, you did that from memory???
I love the “I’m never going drunk on Ebay again” article, I had it clipped on my wall in my cube at work until I had to change cubes a few years ago.
I have an issue from October of '94, my all-time favorite. It has our wonderful governor then, Tommy Thompson (now Sec of H&SS in DC) right before he ran for re-election. They took a picture of some guy wearing black leather bondage gear, no shirt, and some kind of black leather cup, and put Thompsons head over the guys head. It looks like Thompson is dressed like that. The headline is “Thompson changes title from ‘Governor’ to ‘Sexecutioner’. Hopes to Update Image in time for next months election”. The caption underneath the picture is ‘Sexecutioner Tommy Thompson struts his stuff for the voters’. The rest of the article is a riot too.
I miss the ‘Drunk of the Week’ too.
Kinda. I was bored at work-big surpise there-yesterday, so I thought of some of the cool Onion articles, then looked them up and copied them later on.
I’m only a recent reader, so I don’t know if it’s going downhill. However, I do know that the Marilyn Manson article is the funniest thing that I have ever found on the net.
I miss “The Drunk of the Week” too [sub]The Onion in no way supports the despicable practice of consuming alcohol.[/sub]
I heard that they once clashed with the governor’s office over one of their Tommy Thompson articles. They printed that Tommy declared October “Wisconsin Masturbation Month”. Governor Thompson demanded a retraction so The Onion printed one up in their next issue. It read, “In last week’s issue we mistakenly reported that Governor Thompson had declared October to be ‘Wisconsin Masturbation Month’. It should have read that October was declared ‘Wisconsin Sodomy Month’. The Onion sincerely regrets the error.” After that there were no more complaints from Tommy Thompson. 
Check this out There was a thread from a couple months ago in which this exact same thing was said! Int eh battle between the Vowel Fascists and the … well … the other side. Hmmm
stop
think
ummmm, ohhhhhhhhhh Clinton!
This is older then the Vowel Fascists.
[Roseanna Roseanna Danna]Nevermind[/Roseanna Roseanna Danna]
I think you mean Emily Latella.
But back to the main topic. I thought the Haggar Quantum Slacks story was hysterical.
Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over’
Still the best headline of this millenium, I say.
sigh, I guess so 
Here’s a recent favourite:
Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children
Apparently, this one was circulated among fundies who took it seriously :rolleyes:
cheers,
Hodge
I wish they still had Jim’s Journal. I guess Dikkers “got tired of drawing it”, the way he said in the JJ anthology that he “got tired of being married” and of other things.
“I didn’t do anything today.”
“When I was done eating the sundae I felt kind of sick.”
“When I woke up I felt energetic and creative. I stayed up till 3 am reading Trivial Pursuit answers.”