Time to step off my soap box…just saw the whole not legally married thingy…
I guess I feel that since my people (da gayz) worked so hard to have legal marriage, I just assumed it’d be something that was a natural progression after a certain number of years. I believe common law kicks in after seven years… If you have to go through a relationship which may be imbalanced financially and you can legally be married, why wouldn’t you? I don’t buy the whole “it’s just a piece of paper” nonsense. I legally was not allowed to see my late partner while he was dying in the hospital until I secured a medical power of attorney, visitation documents, etc…it is a VERY important piece of paper. I don’t know your situation, but if the property is not jointly owned, good luck trying to get your fair share if things get nasty… And they often do.
If my older niece was on this board, she’d be bible-quoting about how god hates divorce, and you can’t get divorced unless there’s adultery or abandonment. She qualified it later by adding that she doesn’t advocate anyone staying in an abusive relationship, but god still hates divorce.
Honestly, if you’re not married and have no kids, split. Move on. There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave a Lover. But take responsibility. I doesn’t sound like this is his fault: it’s yours. And not only that, you’ve been dishonest.
I mean, I hate to be mean to someone I don’t really know, but from what little I know it sounds like he’ll be better off without you.
Yes, but you were 21 when you entered the relationship. At 21 most people don’t know what they want to do with their life 2 years from then, much less be making a decision on a lifelong relationship.
You are forgiven, go and make better relationship decisions now that you are 33.
Frankly, this is a really shitty thing you’ve done. Making him jump through loops to try to salvage a relationship that can’t be salvaged. Making him feel responsible for the failure of a relationship when he had no part in this failure.
At 50, especially since he’s a man, he could build again a satisfying romantic life with another woman (and actually have a sex life to boot).
You know that this relationship is doomed. If not this year, then the next, or the one after that. You’re afraid to hurt him, but you know you will hurt him anyway sooner or later, so why wait?
And please don’t follow the advice given by someone to take baby steps, dropping hints, go with him to counseling when you know any effort will be pointless. You’re just going to torture him more for months on end, give him false hopes, from this previous experience you mentioned, he will feel guilty, try hard to salvage this relationship, all in vain.
Not a good idea IMO. There are some statements in this thread that he doesn’t really need to know about, like the fact that she was never attracted to him. Better to leave him with a nice memory of at least the beginning of this relationship.
Maybe she should try to write on a piece of paper what she intends to say, though. Even though the conversation won’t follow her script, it will help her figuring out in advance what exactly she wants to tell him and how to tell him.
I agree with all of this, Hugo. You need to get on with it, and without making excuses because none are needed. Honesty necessitates that you take away the future he is expecting to have with you. There is no need also to re-write the past. Leave him with his memories intact, to be cherished, but be honest about where it goes from here.
A bit harsh.
I agree that she does need to come out and tell her partner the truth about her feelings and not leave him to suffer in uncertainty any longer.
But in cases like these, it’s pointless to talk about who’s at fault.
There are things in the OP’s situation that match very closely to my own, or rather, to my wife’s.
Sixteen years, three kids, and now she says she no longer loves me, isn’t attracted to me, feels trapped, wants to find herself, wants a new life. It was like a punch to the gut when she finally came out with it. Yet as painful as that was, it was better than the months of uncertainty and coldness that led up to it.
Sometimes my bruised ego makes me wish I could blame her for the failure of our marriage, but really, we’ve both contributed to how things have changed between us, and yet neither of us is at fault.
I still love her, and my greatest wish is that we could just go back to sharing a loving relationship. But that’s very unlikely. The best I can hope for is that we both find happiness separately, while remaining friends.
Hugosvoice, talk to your partner. Let him know your feelings. You do owe him that. Some have advised writing a letter. If that’s what you need to do to share your true feelings, do so, but I personally would find that a rather cold way to receive such a devastating message.
Sit down with him and share your feelings. Let him tell you how he feels. Be prepared to receive as big a blow to your heart as you will give to his. An do it sooner than later.
This happened to me after 20 years of marriage. I am not going to lie and say it didn’t rip my guts out because it did. But, I took advantage of it. I looked at all the things she was no longer attracted to and decided which of those were things I didn’t like so much about myself either and I took steps to change them. There were a lot of things I didn’t like so much about her either.
The most important change I made was to present myself to the world in a more realistic light so I wouldn't be attracting the wrong kind of women in the future. Its amazing how easy it is to make some changes to ourselves when they are reinforced by positive responses from others.
Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I enjoy going home every night, knowing what I’m keeping from him? Do you think I enjoy the intense anxiety and panic attacks I go through to the point of physically vomiting every time I consider talking to him? Of course I wish this could just be over!!!
It’s just THAT easy to end a relationship. I’ve had people tell me they wanted to leave their partners for decades, but could only do it when they were ready, when they felt strong enough. I don’t yet, ok? I know it’s not fair on him but I don’t. Fucking hate on me all you want, that’s just how I feel.
