I’d like to propose a new law, which would make it a crime to report, in any manner whatsoever, on the whereabouts or doings of Paris Hilton. Any person that takes her picture, records her voice, video tapes her dog, writes a story about her, tells a friend that they think they saw her in a car, or writes a post complaining about her, defending her, or mentioning her in any way, would be subject to 45 days in jail. If there is a Hilton Hotel in Paris, it may never be referred to as the “Paris Hilton”. When discussing the events of World War II, you may say that Hitler invaded Paris, but you may NOT say, "while in Paris, Hitler . . . "
I am aware that my new law might violate the 1st Amendment to the constitution. I am therefore writing to each of the 100 United States Senators, each of the Representatives in the House of Representatives, the President of the United States, the governors and legislatures of each of the 50 states, and of Guam and Puerto Rico, and Canada and Mexico too, just in case, demanding an immediate amendment to the Constitution of the United States expressly providing an exception to the 1st Amendment for my new law. This Amendment will NOT be called the Paris Hilton Amendment.
For the good of the nation, I’m willing to do my 45 days.
(Subject to reduction to 23 days for overcrowding. And I get nervous in enclosed spaces, so they’ll need to let me out after 3.)
Technically, I think the proper question is, “Is anyone interesting poking J.Lo?”
But I fifth the amendment. Fifth … Amendment. Fifth. A fifth on a Friday.
I seem to recall from my government class that it’s somehow illegal (unconstitutional?) to make an amendment that targets an individual specifically. Sorry, good thought though.
Certain personal freedoms that we’ve become accustomed to may need to fall by the wayside for the greater good. If in order to enact my new law we’ll need to overthrow the government and install a Maoist dictatorship, well, some things are worth the price!
No fucking kidding. Christ. I never thought I’d actually miss the days when the internet was blanketed with people screeching “OMG is my picture on Google Street View LIVE RIGHT NOW?!”
The constitution prohibits an act of attainder, which I think is what you’re thinking of. All we need to do is add, “except for Paris Hilton.” Problem solved!
Or do what Ed Kasputis did. He was my state representative when I lived in northeast Ohio. When he was caught going a few miles over the limit in Linndale, a dinky Cleveland suburb notorious for being a speed trap, he decided to deprive the village of what was basically its sole source of income. When he discovered that he couldn’t target Linndale specifically, he did some research and discovered that a Cincinnati suburb (Blue Ash, IIRC) had several characteristics in common with Linndale, such as the fact that both contained a few-hundred-foot stretch of Interstate Highway.
So he wrote a law stating something like “no municipality within this state shall be permitted to employ its police force to pursue speeders on an Interstate Highway,and to leave said municipality’s corporation limit in such pursuit, if said highway’s length in said municipality does not exceed one (1) statute mile.” I believe that either the law was never actually passed or that it was thrown out soon after enactment. Still, the precedent is worth following. Convince some parents with no need for publicity to name their daughter Berlin Ramada, and then introduce a bill stating that “nobody whose first name is also the name of a European national capital, and whose surname is also that of a hotel chain, shall be referred to, quoted, or depicted in any book, magazine, newspaper, pamphlet, web site, or other medium published in, or originating in, the United States of America.”
However, I do think that – since Paris’s memory will live on and there will be some residual curiosity about her – a one-paragraph announcement (similar in content and tone to an Ohio newspaper’s notice of a seven-term Oregon congressman’s passing) shall be allowed on the occasion of her death. What say you, shelbo?
