This never occurred to me before (“No, really, Darrell?”), but I now know how MMA’s opponents can kill the whole sport for good. Here in America, at least.
First off, I’d like to point out just what kind of colossal chumps they must feel like. We’re talking about a sport that’s not even two decades old in this country, that start with absolutely nothing and had some absolutely horrendous events in the early days. Boxing was still a big mainstream sport at the time (Mike Tyson hadn’t gone completely insane yet) and, more importantly, backed by corporate giants like Budweiser. Add to that the fact that most sports fans, even those with some experience with martial arts, didn’t know the first thing about the sport. The fact that pro wrestling or Bruce Lee ever entered the discussion at all tells you just what kind of ignorance the fledgling MMA leagues had to deal with. And yet, the opposition, with a cruise-ship sized advantage in EVERY category, failed utterly. Not only that, but MMA is thriving, with a plethora of prospering leagues, and it just continues to grow bigger. It’s like the Washington Generals beating the Harlem Globetrotters by 50 points. Imagine being one of the Globetrotters.
Nonetheless, this is still a battle they can win. And as I was flipping through a magazine, it hit me.
Decry the skimpy models, card girls, dancers, etc., and the ads promoting everything from better orgasms to enhanced libido. ESS-EE-ECKS. (I’m talking in the cosmically broad sense it used in America, y’know, the definition of “sex” that doesn’t require penetration or genitals or breasts or bodily fluids or open-mouth kissing or massages or hugging or pleasure or affection or smiling or anything normally associated with copulation.)
Think about it. Do we even want to stop violence? We were once embrolied in a terrible, endless war that was going absolutely nowhere and slaughtering innocent civilians by the millions, to say nothing of the billions of dollars thrown into this morass and tens of thousands of our own guys getting killed or maimed for life (and not a clue how to get out). Now, 40 years later, fully aware of how badly we screwed the pooch, we’re doing it again! 'Cause we kick butt! And we’re going to keep kicking butt until our legs break off! Which we hope doesn’t happen for a while!
Or how about Columbine? Remember that? Let’s see, a couple of kids get constatnly bullied, the people who are supposed to be running things do jumping jack crap (wow, big surprise…), and the kids handle the situation in the worst possible way. Do you remember the school, oh, enacting tough new regulations? Or attempting to break up the pecking order which caused the killers’ alienation? Or doing an in-depth investigation? Or expelling other problem cases? Anything? Any goddam action whatsoever?? Oh yeah, there was some babbling about how “Goth culture” was to blame. Keee-rist. A bloody, horrific massacre, and the response was “S___ happens.”
Need I even mention fictional violence? The House of The Dead 2 is the goriest mainstream-release arcade game ever. I haven’t seen a word of protest about it anywhere. I’ve seen at least one father hold up his little kid so he could play. Todays systems can render carnage more realistically than in even the digitization era. See any firestorms over Grand Theft Auto 4 lately? Oh, sure, there was a time, way back in 1992, where Mortal Kombat was all over the news and the controversy was through the roof. Well, guess what, the eighth installment is on the shelves right now…not including the numerous spinoffs and upgraded versions…and you probably don’t even know it exists. No one’s interested in fighting a lost battle.
And that’s why trying to get MMA banned on the grounds that it’s too violent, or too barbaric, or too brutal are doomed to failure. We don’t care. MMA proponents frequently cite the numerous deaths which occur annually in football and boxing. Yet both sports survive to this day (boxing’s run into a low point, but it’s far from dead). Because we don’t care! Escalating troop presence in Afghansistan for lord knows what reason? Let’s roll! A nationally-televised commentator called for the murder of Barak Obama? And that’s a bad thing how?
But sex (the ultra-broad definition I menitoned earlier)? What is the one thing that has sparked more ham-handed bans (and fervent cries for ham-handed bans) than everything else in American history put together? What is the one subject that can turn the most intelligent, sensitve, open-minded parent into a mindless raving authoritarian pighead slightly to the right of Genghis Khan? What is guaranteed to elicit bleatings about protecting the children from pathetic numbnuts who can’t name their own children? What is pefectly natural, is as old as the human race itself, absolutely necessary for the continuation of the species, and when done right is one of the most joyful of human experiences, yet gets treated by a huge segment of our population as slightly preferable to bathing in toxic waste?
A dime-a-dozen spoiled rich ditz releases a dime-a-dozen sex tape on the internet, and the news howls about this. A Democratic candidate who lost the primary months ago admits to an affair, and the message boards go absolutely nuts. Janet Jackson reveals a partially exposed nipple for like ONE GODDAM SECOND, and from our collective national response you’d think the moon had crashed into the Earth.
The verdict is clear. Harp on the skimpy models and any endorsed product even remotely sex-related, and even Seanbaby will be calling for MMA to get hacked to bits and buried forever.
Hey, it’s worth a shot. I mean, what other choice do you have? Terrorism?
