The Perils Of Life In T.V. Land

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As I watched six people in T.V. Land (the world of television infomercials) systematically drop their cellphones onto concrete while trying to make cookies and drive a car at the same time last night…I had to give pause to wonder…

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE…and HOW DID THEY LIVE THIS LONG?

Let’s take Nads hair removal for an example. Why, everyone knows how horrifying shaving is! And if you don’t…let the women in this commercial show you, as they teeter on one leg in a bathroom smaller than a studio apartment in Hungary, raking a rusty razor from 1943 along their leg and a perilous speed, then throwing their head back in sheer agony when they nick themselves.

And what of the Turbie Twist towel? Everyone knows that if you don’t have a Turbie twist, you’re constantly wrapping your Rapunzelian locks in a bathsheet the size of Des Moines, breaking your neck and possibly exposing your damp hair to the hazardous elements of the household air while you take crucial phone calls regarding your next infomercial gig.

And what about pancakes? Have you ever tried to make pancakes without burning the house down? Apparently the people in T.V. land can’t do it. They’ve got batter all over the stove, on the ceiling fan, coating the family pet. Everything is burnt, toxic fumes are escaping from melting spatulas as they struggle to flip the gooey (clearly not done) pancakes, making it look like a Herculean effort. THANK GOD for the ALL IN ONE PANCAKE FLIPPER, that also, apparently, makes everyone in the family happy, thin and clean!

And if you can’t make pancakes, don’t you DARE try to make a salad. It’s a DEATH WISH. Here we have women trying to cut onions with dull, bent butter knives, neglecting to peel or hold onto the onion, merely hacking away at it as it were trying to attack her family, as a way of illustrating how the super chopperama is so much better.

And hoses…my GOD HOSES. The people in T.V. land are all but hanging themselves and everyone they care about with these bumbling…NON FLAT hoses that they DIDN’T buy from t.v.

Has anyone ever had this much trouble with these issues as the people in T.V. Land? It’s truly a wonder they’re still alive.

2

I knew there was a good reason why I don’t watch TV much anymore. Ta for remindin’ me.

3

And apparently all these years I’ve been walking the wrong way. Thank the gods for Stuart Pankin (who has fallen so far from his NNTN days) and his amazing dancing othotics. (seriously I have thought about buying these. My wife just paid over $100 for her podiatrist-made ones, how bad could the cheap ones be?)

4

jarbaby, I think I’ve figured it out. The people in the infomercial aren’t people at all–they’re Sims.

5

My sister actually bought the Amazing Pancake Flipper Thingy. When I asked her what possesed her to buy this useless piece of crap, she replied,

“Well, they included the free heart-shaped ring, so I can make heart-shaped pancakes.”

This, coming from someone who doesn’t even cook, much less make breakfast for herself.

The Nads commercials just kill me. I love it when they find the world’s hairiest sasquatch, and just RIP a patch of hair off his back. And he doesn’t even flinch. It’s got to be a rug taped on his back. There is NO WAY anyone could have that much hair ripped off their back without flinching.

6

Two words: local anesthetic.

7

(insert swirling hypnotic eyes)
you flip, but they flop.
gooooooooooo yaffa!
even vit big coat on I know dat’s her.
I made nads fer ma daughta’.
better blocks glow in the dark.
colored state coins!
(makes grimace at cell phone dropping calls)
don’t forget the veggies!
get this clock for your favorite engineer!
cuh cuh cuh cuh call now fowlks. (mel blank rotates in grave)

(reaches for phone)
yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees master. I will buy these!
(I watch TVLAND- of what I thought you were referring to- that’s all they ever play commercialwise)

8

And how about the “worlds most uncreative kids” who need a single pen that draws a rainbow all at once. To save time and brainpower while having fun of course.

And all anyone can draw is a rainbow…or maybe a flower colored like a rainbow. RAINBOW RAINBOW RAINBOW.

9

Has anyone else seen the infomercial for some kind of electrical zappping apparatus that is supposed to minimize wrinkles or tone facial muscles or whatever? They show this group of women sitting around jabbing themselves in the face with it, and you can see all their face muscles twitching and shuddering under their makeup but they just sit there with blank-eyed stares while their friends oooh and aaahh.

Surreal, to say the least.

10

ROFL! I’m glad I’m not the only one to have noticed this. I always gape in astonishment at how idiotic these people look.

My favorite is the ad for the flexible cutting boards. One advantage of 'em is you just sort of bend 'em in half to easily add your chopped onions or whatever to a pot. They show someone trying to transfer chopped onions from a standard, non-bending cutting board to a pot and the poor woman manages to get onions all over the stove, the floor, in her hair, etc. She’s the clumsiest person in the world. Sometimes Mr. Athena and I imitate it while we cook. Whoops! There goes the carrots! They’re on the ceiling now!

11

I want some god hoses. ::pout::

12

First rule of advertising: Create anxiety (anxiety that can only be relieved by purchase of our FABULOUS new product, of course).

I saw one the other day that really made me laugh. It was a device for folding laundry. Basically it looked like a plastic box that had been flattened and cut open. You placed your clothing or towels on this thing, and then proceeded to fold in the side panels. Voila! Your items are now folded. I’m just not really sure how someone who is incapable of folding without this thing would have the ability to fold with it.

13

I actually succumed to the Nads[sup]tm[/sup] come on and ordered some. On the phone they talked me into supersizing my order and some how convinced me to sign up for some mail order health gimick. They asked if I wanted to rush my order for an extra charge but I said my excess hair could wait. The package arrived the next day. The product didn’t work worth a damn.

When I told my aunt that I had ordered a product from a TV commercial she looked at me with such total pitty. When I complained that the product didn’t work she said “And you’re surprised?”

It’s all mind control!!! Do not pick up the phone and call!

14

All I can say is what the hell kind of name is “nads” for a hair removal treatment?! What was she thinking?!

15

(hypnotic glaze)

nads is short for Nadine, her daughter who had a hair problem. It is pronounced NADean in her thick australian accent.
“my dau’ta Nad had a hair problam. If it’s safe enouh’ for my dau’ter, you know its good”

I muuuuuuust buy nads now.

(picks up phone)

16

I love the Perfect Pancake commercials!

“Make the perfect eggs!” while they flash an image of a person MASHING FRIED EGGS TO GOO!!

Yeah, if you mash the damned things, of COURSE they aren’t going to turn out!

Don’t forget the batter spout thing that comes with it because, as you all know, the average human just cannot dispense batter into a pan without one.

17

Do you want to make people ruin their keyboards, but don’t know how? Wish your time online would net you more chat, less spam? Now you can, with AutoDoper®!

Oh, no! Your online message board posts are witless and dull! No one wants to read them!

But with AutoDoper®, every message you leave keeps people coming back for more! Simply pick a username, and let AutoDoper® create post after post of interesting, lively observations!

Your last post killed a thread. What are you going to do? With AutoDoper®, kiss those worries goodbye! Watch as your username gets quoted more and more often, and your post count goes up, up, up!

Typing can lead to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a serious medical condition. Why risk your health, when AutoDoper produces electronic text and 900 words per minute?

To order, call 1-800-1K-MONKEYS. That’s 1-800-15-666-5397. Call now!

18

[nads hijack]
I don’t know if our Nads are the same as your Nads (phew, what a line!) but it’s available in the supermarket in Australia, and I find it works excellently. I agree that anything bought over the phone will either not work, or they’ll try and rip you off by adding crap you don’t want.

My hair could be different, or our formula could be different :shrug: who knows ?[/nads hijack]

My favourite add is the one where the house is a dump, and all grey, but when the housewife gets the “Swiffer” (a piece of fabric that covers the mop) the house is sparkly ! :smiley: It’s so cheesy !

19

If her mom is calling her Nads, she’s got more than a hair problem.

Hmmm… I wander, was she called Nads because of excess hair?
Or… did she have excess hair because of her nads?

20

Well, you wouldn’t want those poor kids to use all their brainpower while they’re still young. They still have to grow up so they can purchase pancake flippers and rotisseries that let you “set it and forget it.”