I have a coworker who fills her coffee mug with ice and then chews on it loud and fast.
And she does this every fucking morning during meetings.
She also talks with her mouth full of ice.
I used to have a cow-orker who sang little songs to himself ALL DAY. Except when he was exclaiming ("all right! Okay!) about some minor triumph, or making animal noises. As in “Moo-ooo-ooo.” Someone finally spoke to him about the latter, and apparently he was completely unaware he was doing this. He was very embarrassed and promised to try to stop. His efforts were not entirely successful, but after that we used to call over the cubicle walls, “Hey, Steve! Stop mooing!” and he would. For a while. At least he was good-natured about it.
Worse was the time when someone about 3 cubicles down was planning her wedding. All day. On speaker phone. Loudly.
I’ll help hold him down. Can’t stand listening to someone whistle.
I think my single biggest peeve when in a cube farm is that (expletive) speakerphone. Believe it or not, self-important twit, WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR BOTH SIDES OF YOUR CONVERSATION!!! Especially when we’re trying to do actual work that might well involve phone conversations of our own. Especially when hearing YOUR side is obnoxious enough.
I also dislike people who use their cell phones in speaker mode in public.
My advice to all of you is to remind yourself : it could be worse.
I had a boss who would call the person in the next office on speaker phone, and the walls just were not that thick. You got this stupid echo effect because you got both people speaking on both sides of the conversation. sob I had the cube just outside both office doors…
I need to know, is it mouth-open chewing, or mouth-closed? It makes a difference! I don’t get nearly as angry, nearly as instantly, if the person at least has the decency to keep their trap shut. If not, and I were in your position, I’m afraid of what I might have done by now. In all seriousness, you really should tell her no matter how awkwardly it comes out.
I had a worker like that on my staff once. Drove me crazy.
Then I realized that he whistled when he was deep in concentration, programming like mad, and probably getting his projects done ahead of schedule. So I had to accept it, even hope for it. But whistling still drives me mad.
(Asking gently about it ‘what song were you whistling?’ got complete confusion – he didn’t even realize he was doing it. I decided saying anything more about it would make him self-conscious about it, and break his concentration, thus interfering with his productivity. Which was high, and of high quality. instead, I lived with it. Gritting my teeth a lot.)
I used to work with this sales guy who would sit IN HIS OFFICE and scream into the speaker phone. He continued doing it, even after several people complained.
WE cured him of it by getting someone to call and leave a message after hours, saying they represented NAMBLA, and describing what the group liked to do.
I just got away from someone like that! I felt bad about getting mad at her annoying tic because she was a nice person and claimed to have allergies but please. It wouldn’t have been nearly as irritating if she just sacked up and coughed like she meant it – put some oomph into it, if you will – because that insipid little “kehkeh…kehkeh” obviously did nothing for her. No wonder she felt like she had to do it every 10 seconds.
I’m OK with most noises. The worst for me is the person who desperately scraping every last molecule of yogurt in their plastic container. Luckily for me, that person left a couple months ago.
Muncher is out sick today. YAY! She’s out sick about 1 day per week, it seems. She’s spent the last couple years on FMLA for one excuse or another, which she uses to justify coming in when she feels like it.
StG
AFA munching is concerned, I wonder how acoustically different people’s heads can be. I once worked with a guy who, when eating something crunchy, would always make me think of the Nazis marching into Paris- it was that loud.
A few months ago the hospital had a motivational speaker, a really excellent one. He said every time you see a yellow car, think of something you are grateful for, even if it’s that someone’s scrubs match. Thanks to this thread, I will be grateful that I am a solo librarian with no annoying officemates/cube neighbors/people near me who eat/crunch/whistle/hum/breathe loud/talk on speaker phone and a million other annoying things. I have actually said to people “enough with the humming” and they STILL don’t get it. STFU with your little idiosynchrities.
I had an officemate who took all day to eat one small single-serving size bag of chips. It drove me batty because I couldn’t just get up and take a walk for five minutes while she ate a bag of chips. Nope.
9:15 a.m.: CRUNCH Crunch crunch crunch crunch
: silence :
9:45: Oh, time for another chip: CRUNCH Crunch crunch crunch crunch
: takes a phone call or something :
10:20: CRUNCH Crunch crunch crunch crunch
10:50: CRUNCH Crunch crunch crunch crunch
I wanted to get up and snatch the bag off her desk and scream, “Goddamn it woman, just eat the whole fucking bag in one go, willya? Or better yet, get your fat ass up, walk to the goddamn break room and EAT YOUR LUNCH IN THERE.” I used to fantasize about the violence I’d perpetrate on her for crunching all fucking day like that.
Then she decided she needed more privacy (she’s the boss) and switched offices with my now-officemate, who does some very slightly annoying things once in a while, but really doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve been suggesting for years that crunchy foods (and ice) should be banned from meetings and workspaces. There’s a reason we have breakrooms; it’s so you can take a break, to which you’re entitled. It’s also so I don’t have to hear the crunching.
And don’t even get me started on that Kit Kat commercial that sends me diving for the remote to hit the mute button as fast as I can. I think I sprained my thumb the other day when that came on.
I think my experiences are worse than any mentioned so far.
Thankfully, she has now moved, but I used to be within 2 cubes of an elderly woman with allergy problems who would hack-cough like a long-term smoker and actually loudly and obviously produce large quantities of phlegm, as in “hackin’ up a loogy”, back of the throat, arabic-language sound. It very literally made me want to puke on many occasions.
Not sure if it’s worse, but RIGHT NOW, on one side, I have the “chatty grandma”, who has very long (close to an hour), very personal (talking to her daughter about divorcing her husband and getting counseling), and very “baby-talky” (loudly talking to her grandchildren in that way that grandparents do… “Did you poopy on the toilet?”, “Santa’s watching, so you’d better be nice to Mommy”). Oh yeah, she also has loud, frequent gas.
On my other side, I have what I can only describe as “that strange, stinky fat guy”, who very deliberately and unexpectedly sneezes with the most exaggerated, obnoxious volume imaginable (“AAAAH-CHOOOOOO!!!”). His sneezes have actually frightened peopled nearby so much that they cry out in fear. He also views online cartoons constantly, and when he finds a particularly amusing one, will giggle, snicker, and snort very much like a school-girl. He is also morbidly obese and either inefficiently or rarely bathes so that his stench precedes his every arrival.
I try very hard to telecommute as much as possible.
Yeah, like I’m doing now. Thanks.
Delightfully evil. Must remember this if I should have need again. 
I used to sit in a cube across from a lovely young lady who apparently didn’t close her mouth while eating at her desk, because you could hear both the insanely loud CRUNCH of carrot sticks combined with the vaguely squishy sound of continued chewing. I seriously wanted to murder her, but she was (is) a really nice person. Thankfully I don’t sit near her anymore.
I share cubicle farm space with a support group that has conference bridges all the time. On speakerphone. People on opposite ends of the room will both be using their speakerphones, which, on the one hand, gives me a real cool 3D special effect. On the other hand, if person A wants to say something to person B, rather than SPEAKING into the PHONE, he will stand up and YELL to the person sitting five cubes away from him.
“Have you forgotten to renew your membership?
As a long-term member, we need you to support us as you have for many past years, in our fight for justice …”