There I stood in the deodorant aisle, faced with a multitude of smells and all I could think of when did the smell of our pits become so vastly important and so freaking difficult to navigate the web of physcological nuerosis just waiting to pounce on our unsuspecting selves in the personal care product aisle?
There is the vast array of pit juice with a feminine side to it: iPowder Fresh, Spring Blossom, Cotton Bliss, Petal Bliss and the ever popular, Fresh., if I was teenager, I could choose from a variety of self esteem smells such as * Aspire, Create and Calming.* Unfortunately, there are no antiperspirants that help them Turn Down The Music or Pull up Their Pants.
Broke and unable to afford a lofty vaction?, you can always swab your pits with *Crystal Clean Caribbean * or Alpine Fresh and be swept away to some place other than your humdrum existance. Night Jade sounds like some tropical asian destination. If that didn’t work, there is always Breeze, Mediterrean Mist, Tropical Mist and Mountain Air Fresh if sandy destinations make you think of sand up you crack.
Hungry? Then try:*Pepper Mint, Spice,Wild Yam, Satin Pear, Fruity Meon, Mandarin Orange, Apricot and Mint Rosemary. Why not just make a deodorant that smells of A-1 steak sauce for women to attract men, and vanilla for men to attact the chicks? That’s all they really need. Though, really, men would wear and like the A-1 Steak Sauce Deodorant and just take more than the usual pleasure of smelling their soggy pits on a swelting day.
If you lived in the polluted city, you could apply Fresh Oxygen to help you along and if you were just released from prison, Clean Slate would be just what you need! Actually, just show it to the judge when on trial for your triple homocide and be let free instantly!
Whatever happened to the deoderant of my youth? Where the choices were Ban Roll On Regular Scent, which smelled vaguely of stinky cheese or Mitchum Pit Cream that was applied with your fingers and gave you the old man smell that was required of anyone over the age of 50. There was even the female version of Mitchum for women called Tussy., which I think has gone the way of the do do bird, as the demographic that used it has joined Forest Lawn. Times were simpler then. You applied the roll on, walked around with your arms up in the air until it dried, put down your arms, and the thin layer of protective goo that has dried cracks off and you reapply all over again. Rituals like that are what made our country!
Men, naturally, would not want something so prissy and the smells deliver testosterone in the pit juice of : Sport, Sport Fresh, Cool Blast, Avalanche, UltraMax, Advantage, Unlimited, Apollo, Essence, Kilo, Phoenix, Ready, VooDoo, Willing, Cool Rush, Extreme Blast, Silver Ice, Pure Energy, Frost, and my personal favorite, Tsunami. Clearly there are some strong sexual undertones going on in the world of wetness control items and I am wondering just where the guys are applying this stuff. It is only a matter of time before Stamina and O-Face are available for application to the furried pits of the male species.
I have spent less time buying a wedding dress than perusing this personal care aisle trying to remember just what it was that I used to make me less offensive to the masses.
Pit juice should not be complicated.
That’s all I wanted to say.