The Pitting of My Graduate Assistanceship

The BBQ Pit
1

…or more specifically, the lady I’m supposed to be working with.

I will admit that I did not contact her the very second that classes started this semester. This is because I am teaching a class and I wanted to make sure I had everything squared away with the paperwork and students and assignments before I embarked on anything else. I did contact her the next week, though. We set up a time to meet and I observed her classes for a week. All was going well…or so I thought.

After the observations were done, I heard nothing from her. I admit I was not as aggressive in trying to get hold of her as I probably should have been. I did not, for example, camp out in front of her office door or rig a snare to catch her whenever she sneaks in. I finally get hold of her on a Thursday (two weeks ago) during the .02 seconds she is available. (I engage in hyperbole to express my irritation.) She tells me that she is working on the hospitality committee for a conference THAT WEEKEND and thus needs all of my time on Friday and Saturday. This was cool until the ignition switch in my car went kerplutz on Friday morning and I needed that weekend to make sure the car would do trivial things, like drive down the road without cutting out. This triggers a mild panic attack after my car cuts out on me in the middle of the road and freezes up for a few seconds before I’m able to get it restarted.

I speak to her on Friday and explain the automotive emergency and the fact that I now have to take the weekend to have my neighbor, who knows how to pull a steering column out, work on the car with my fiancé. Unspoken is the idea that maybe some advance notice of her involvement with this conference (like a couple of weeks?) would have helped me arrange a ride with my busy neighbors and friends. She is irritated and sends me off to the faculty lounge to inventory the coffee, sugar, and tablecloths that will be needed for the conference.

She had mentioned that she would be at another conference on Monday so I didn’t expect to see her then. I sent her an email early last week outlining my schedule. Granted, I do have to schedule around my classes (both the one I am teaching and the ones I am taking), but I’m free all day on Fridays and there should be plenty of time to “make up all the hours I missed.” (This is supposed to be a 10-hour/week assistanceship. My class makes up the other 10 hours.) There is no reply to my email. Tumbleweeds blow through the internet.

I come in Friday (last week) after 10 because she said she is usually in her office around that time. No one is there. Okay, I said, I’ll swing by again around eleven. As I’m going to toss out some old newspapers in the recycling bin, guess who I see? She tells me “We need to talk about last week.” I reply, “I had gone by your office an hour ago and was about to go by again.” “Well, I have kids,” she snaps. “This is what time I get here.”

Well have a fuckin’ cookie. I didn’t know that having children gives you the right to waltz into work whenever the hell you feel like it.

I had already been nervous about meeting with her, knowing that she would be snippy about the previous weekend. At her response, I can’t hold in anymore. I snap into a ball of angry tears and inform her about my recent mild panic attacks brought on by the unreliability of the car (as I should have the week before, I admit) (by the way, both have now been resolved). Unspoken is the implication that advance notice would have helped on my side quite a bit. She tells me that she wants to be my friend/mentor, but I’m not pulling my side of the assistanceship like I should. I ask her if she got my email that outlined my schedule. I get no response, just more amateur psychoanalyzing as she tries to drag God into my problems. No bitch, I will not tell you “what church I go to.” You don’t need to know a fuckin’ thing about my religion. You do not need to know if my fiancé is “the right man for me,” that is not your decision to make. Yes, my TA supervisor knows I have mild anxiety that is under control with medication and stringent scheduling on my part to reduce excess stress. Or at least it was until you threw a monkey wrench in my schedule. Yes I know how many weeks we’ve been in school. What I DON’T know is why you are so inhumanely hard to get hold of so we can actually get something done this semester. I leave after making “plans” to meet again on Monday when I’m calmer.

It is now Monday. Knowing now that “she has kids,” I wait until 11:15 to go by her office. The door is closed. I knock. No answer. Well, whaddya know?

I am going to write her yet another email. I am going to again outline my schedule, ask for a firm, definite date on which to meet and get shit done (what shit I don’t know since I’ve not seen her but four times). We will see how things go after that. If things do not go, I will be contacting the Graduate Director of my department and we’ll see how things go from there.

2

Good Lord. :eek: Contact your Graduate Director now, if for no other reason than to report your inability to make contact with this woman, to get it on the record before she decides to report that you aren’t making contact with her.

And although I have never frolicked in the Groves Of Academe, I’m pretty sure that personal details like your religious affiliation, your anxiety disorder, and whomever you have chosen to marry are basically none of her effing business, and I’d report those inquiries, too, as being inappropriate–again, just to have it on the record. In military terms it’s known as a pre-emptive strike.

And as for:

I mean, what? For this you’re in college?

3

She sounds hard to get in contact with, but hopefully if you report her for that you’ll leave out all the personal information that just makes you sound whiny as hell. Man alive.

4

You know, I really hate to say it, but from her point of view, once you agreed to come in on Friday and Saturday, then you were commited to it. If, when she told you on Thursday, you had replied with, “I’m sorry, but I have a commitment. But let me know in advance next time, I’ll set aside the days”, then you’d be off the hook. But you didn’t say that, instead you agreed to it and backed out. Of course if you had a personal emergency that would be an okay excuse, but “I need to work on my car” doesn’t really sound like an emergency to most people. You could have taken a bus or a cab. Its your responsibilty to make sure you have a way to get to school, and if the conference was offsite you could have asked her to help you find a way to get there.

Also, she doesn’t get to make her own schedule because she has kids, she gets to make her own schedule because she is a professor. She has to be around for appointments, classes, and office hours. Outside of that she can come in when she wants.

Now that I’ve been harsh, let me say that I’m a graduate student who used to have a real job, and I’m been pretty shocked by the complete lack of professionalism that academics often show. They really can be pretty incompetant when it comes to interpersonal skills, and often to the point of being downright rude and unfair. My advice is to not let things go unspoken, and instead call them out when they’re being unreasonable. And find a friend in the program who’s a few years ahead of you, they often know how to manage these individual personalities.

5

One of the problems with academia is that a large component of a professor’s job is managing people, yet they are never taught how to manage people. Not to mention that many people who end up in academia have social skills that preclude them from ever being good managers. I’m lucky that I have an advisor who’s also a good manager; even when he was overwhelmed with parenting duties he would never have expected us to keep to unreasonable schedules, and he always works around our emergencies and other responsibilities like a good manager should.

Anyway, definitely talk to the graduate director. And you shouldn’t have to inventory coffee and stuff. You’re not a slave, as much as some professors might like to think you are.

6

What sort of degree is this? What sort of program are you in?

As Duck Duck Goose suggested, the idea that a grad assistant’s task include things like checking the coffee in the faculty lounge is completely weird. Hell, the idea that you owe them your time on weekends for “hospitality committee” work at a conference is also a rather foreign concept.

At my school, a grad assistantship means you’re teaching or doing research, or perhaps grading or some other academic work. Hospitality-type tasks are well outside the normal job description. All the professors in our department fall over themselves to make sure that treat us professionally. The only time i’ve ever done any other type of work was when my adviser asked me to install some software on here computer for her, and show her how to use a few things on the computer, and she paid me in cash for that — more than the task was worth, in fact.

7

Oh, hell no.

While I can’t tell from the OP whether you should have been there that weekend or not, that kind of smarmy self-righteous bullshit it pitworthy in itself.

8

Where oh where to start. Just to make sure I understand;

You are supposed to work for this ‘lady’ 10hrs/week. You didn’t attempt to contact her until the second week of school. You then observed her classes for one week. After observing her classes you didn’t get in contact with her for another couple of weeks and didn’t try very hard to do so:

So, how hard did you actually try: E-mails, phone calls, voice messages, office hours visits, catching her before or after classes? Or did you just wait for her to get in touch with you or maybe bump into you in the hallway?

Then on Thursday when you finally get in touch with her she asks you? tells you? orders you on pain of death? to work all day Friday (your free day) and Saturday to assist her with a conference hospitality committee. You agree. But then ohhh nooooos your car breaks down on Friday and you have to bail on your job so your fiance can fix your car.

Bolding by Sinjin

How would advance notice of the conference (like a couple of weeks?) have helped you arrange a ride with your oh so busy neighbors and friends when your car broke down THAT Friday?

Continuing on;

You e-mail her the week after the conference with your schedule, finally!!

And then;

Did you schedule an appointment with her or just wander by? Just because she says she’s usually in the office around that time doesn’t mean she’s going to be sitting there waiting with bated breath for you happen by. And you indicate that she snapped at you, did you happen to snark at her first? People don’t usually snap at you without reason.

I hope you’re a clever actress and can conceal your obvious contempt for your supervisor. And BTW if she’s a professor she can waltz in whenever the hell she wants. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of a prof’s work takes place behind the scenes and NOT in the office.

So with you’re amazing mind-reading skills you know she’s going to be snippy. She responds, in a manner not described (snippy?), and then you snap (lot of snapping going on here) and blubber about your panic attacks and your poor old unreliable car. In the future, you might be better off if you speak up on your implications, unlike you, most profs can’t read minds. But again, I ask “how could advance notice help when the car broke down on the day you were needed?” I must be really missing something here.

How did she throw a monkey wrench in your schedule. You haven’t done anything for her yet this semester except observe a couple of classes and inventory the coffee and sugar.

Are ‘plans’ an appointment?

The only real gripe I see here is the God, religion, fiance thing. Did you somehow open the door for that when you “snapped” in her office? I can’t imagine how that kind of a conversation even begins between a faculty member and a grad student.

9

Oooh, I do, as both a professor and a former graduate assistant in charge of other graduate assistants. I can see this happening really, really easily, especially if the OP is in the humanities. See, by wanting to point out the professor’s lack of good mentorship, the OP threw personal issues out on the table- “You don’t understand how STRESSFUL it is for me to attempt to manage my panic attacks by strictly scheduling my time, and what a WRENCH you throw into my system when you ASK ME TO WORK FOR YOU, and it’s NOT MY FAULT that I have to closely supervise the work being done on my car, and YOU NEED TO BACK OFF AND STOP HAVING THIS BIZARRE DESIRE FOR ME TO DO MY JOB, else I freak the fuck out.” Once that door is open, it’s not surprising to see the professor (who, as others have pointed out, likely has all the social graces of a gnat) attempt to ferret out a) what the problem(s) is (are), b) where it(they) rank(s) on the “serious nature” scale, and c) methods of solving them.

Oh, if I had a dime for every tear-filled conversation I’ve overheard where GAs share more information with their supervisors than I would feel comfy sharing with my husband…

10

What activities does the job description for your assistantship specify?

11

I know you’re hoping for sympathy and I hope some people are going to give it to you. I have to take the other side, if only to be devil’s advocate, and say if you’re going to salvage this thing, you’ve got to change the way you think about it.

Here’s the Tale of Two Grad Students.

Grad Student A has been assigned an advisor to work with. Grad Student A waits for her advisor to contact her. Which makes sense, because Grad Student A is busy, and it’s likely the advisor’s schedule she’ll be planning around, and after all the advisor does this all the time, the advisor is the professor, etc. There are 20 reasons why this is justified. But then the advisor doesn’t contact Grad Student A, and Grad Student A feels vaguely uneasy but maybe also relieved because this gives her a little time to ease into the term. Finally Grad Student A breaks down and makes first contact two weeks in, and feels annoyed she had to, and a little defensive about it. Grad Student A keeps telling herself that the advisor has no right to think less of her for it, because the advisor is more at fault for not even trying! Who made first contact, after all?

And this is Grad Student A’s general mode of operating. She does the minimum, she leaves a lot up to other people. Why shouldn’t she? Everyone has their job to do, she expects them to do it. And while there’s nothing technically wrong with her expectations, the cumulative effect is that she’s always getting tripped up by what other people fail to do. It’s never quite her fault, but she still ends up looking like a fuck-up because among her peers more of these thing happen to her than seem to happen to other grad students. And she gets pretty defensive about it, because she can justify to anyone who asks that she did what was expected (and she’ll gripe to anyone who will listen) yet she can’t erase this stink of screw-up about her.

Then we have Grad Student B. Grad Student B doesn’t leave anything to chance. She sends an email to her project advisor the first day or two of the term. She makes things easier for anyone she works with, and comes off as enthusiastic and positive. She checks up on things to make sure they are going as planned. She isn’t afraid to make a followup call to make sure campus mail didn’t lose something, to make sure the staff member didn’t miss a deadline, that her paperwork was processed, that her email got read and understood. And thus when other people make mistakes or drop the ball, she doesn’t get derailed by it. She ends up preventing a lot of these screwups in the first place.

I have been Grad Student A. I know the role well. It sucked, because I could not figure out why I followed all the rules but still ended up looking like a lazy shit compared to some of my advisor’s other grad students. I kept getting screwed up by other people’s stupidity and random chance, and it seemed like they rarely did. How unfair it was, and how mysterious it seemed. I was such a victim. Even I got tired of hearing my legitimate excuses, because I couldn’t figure out why no one else had the same litany of problems.

Things are really fluid in graduate school–it’s not a 9-5 kind of environment, deadlines get moved, stuff is decentralized, certain procedures are handled casually… and in this environment, it is very easy for a series of not-really-your-fault problems to derail you, or your research, or your relationship with a professor. What separates some of the more successful graduate students from the rest are those who are proactive and ambitious. They’re not doing just what’s minimally acceptable, they’re doing more, and they’re doing it earlier.

If you see yourself in Grad Student A, it’s not too late change things. Stuff will still happen that is not your fault (like car problems)–those happen to everyone. IME, however, those problems will be easier to handle and people will feel more sympathetic and cut you more slack when you really need it.

12

SpazCat… sorry to pile on, but you have to take your personal feelings out of this for a minute. I’m finishing my doctorate, took me six years, and several GA/RA/TA slots. I have to admit that I have had terrific profs to work for and they were always respectful of my time and effort. But there is an inherent imbalance in TA/professorial relationships. You’re the junior person. If you get a reputation for being difficult to work with, or whiny, this could seriously muck up your grad career.

As much as this prof appears to not have her stuff together, angry tears aren’t going to help your situation at all. If anything, it’ll become part of the rumor mill - “oh, SpazCat came into my office and lost it - she’s got major issues.” Next thing you know, there are little opportunities that slip past you. Other people in your program get asked to co-author papers, and so on… next thing you know, you’re looking back at several years of effort and wondering why others got a crack at fellowships and RA ships that you never even were invited to apply for.

It might sound like I’m being dramatic but I’m not. I always advise grad students to check your ego at the door. Don’t let people walk over you, but at the same time, it’s important to realize that when you’re angriest, that’s when it’s time to call a friend, your fiancee, a pet and let them know how pissed you are. Then clean yourself up and think of a respectful way to make your point. Don’t use e-mail, either. If you’re pissed, chances are it will come through in your tone.

You’ll find that you will need to manage your manager a lot in grad school. IMO, it’s no longer relevant that you’re smart. Everyone around you is smart as well. The people who successfully navigate grad school are those who are deft and talented at managing relationships. Having said that, your prof is out of line, especially with the questioning at the end regarding your faith and relationships. But is this a person who can help you in your career and serve as a good mentor to you? Is she a person who is well connected and respected in your field? If so, you don’t have much recourse that isn’t going to cost you in the end. You could make a complaint and find another 'ship, but it will probably be harder to get one at this stage of the game.

My advice is to make sure you have a good support system in place so you can vent when you need to. Ask your prof in person how she would like to be contacted, and how much lead time she needs for a request. (Watch the tone here as well.) F’rinstance, my adviser won’t respond to an ordinary e-mail quickly, but if I write “URGENT” in the subject line, I usually get a buzz the same day.

I think academia is unique in the respect that people tend to be specialized in a certain area. When you talk or write on your topic, people typically can’t assess how original, bright, or unique your work is unless they are in the exact same area. So people are generally assumed to be competent and good at their research. The part where you are assessed as a grad student, as a junior person, is how well you are able to fit in and adapt to the environment. Trust me, you do not want to become known as a difficult assistant. You might have to bite your tongue and give the prof a mulligan on being unorganized this time, if you can afford to.

Of course, only you can determine if it’s worth the political capital to make an issue of this. As I get closer to the end of the student role and assume more of the responsibilities of a junior faculty member, I have a little more sympathy for the prof’s role at times. Sure, using you to inventory materials for a conference is probably not a great use of your talent, but it might be okay to do if it’s the pressing issue at hand. (If it becomes a regular duty of yours then you need to raise this point to the prof.)

I think you might want to reconsider the consequences of blowing this relationship up, and if you think it is worth doing so, go ahead and find a way out via your supervisor - but if it’s more trouble than it’s worth, find a way to get into the prof’s good graces so you can emerge with a neutral or positive experience. You might need a letter or a rec from her in the future, so it might be worth the work to repair the hurt feelings… speaking of which, the issues that caused you so much consternation probably had very little to do with you as a person. Your prof sounds like a overcommitted, unorganized academic with kids, so don’t take her lack of forethought as something directed at you personally.

13

I think this sounds good on the face of it, but it was your first mistake. You’ve got three important jobs to juggle: being a TA, being a student, and being a GA. The key is that you have to juggle them equally and not give short-shrift to one over the other.

You’ve got to change this if you’re going to be successful. I say this as a person who was not aggressive either in grad school and often faced the consequences.

You know how busy you are right now? Well, magnify your workload by a million and that’s your professor’s life. Which means that you cannot leave it up to her to contact you. Your problems are not her problems, and she doesn’t know you well enough to care about them. You are a small blip on her radar right now, as a newbie. She’s doing well enough just remembering your name. Sucks, I know, but it’s the truth.

Are there other graduate students in your department, older ones who might serve as good role models? What I would do is take cues from them. Instead of asking “What Would Jesus Do?”, I would ask “What Would Grad-Student-Who Impresses-Me Do?”

You’ve got mental illness issues, which isn’t anything to be ashamed of. And your advisor needs to know about them. But you’re going to have to work really hard not to have another blow-up like this again. As Hippy said, you don’t need a bad reputation so early in your career.

I don’t think the damage is irrepairable. You just need to have another sit down with her and as calmly as possible (no tears now), accept full responsibility for the screw-ups. Even if it’s not all your fault, apologizing won’t hurt you. Then, exchange schedules and find out what kind of work she needs you to do. Be prepared to accept something vague like, “whatever stuff I need you to do”. Be grateful and enthusiatic. “Hospitality commitee” stuff sounds strange, but there are no set job descriptions as a graduate slave.

I’ve known advisors and grad students who have had much worse scrapes and have managed to maintain a tight professional relationship, even post-graduation. So cheer up and buck up!