A Pit thread detailing the recent spate of east coast sniper attacks reminded me very little of John Lee Malvo and company’s murderous handiwork last year. Reading about the long fabled “white van” made me remember something that I still find to be utterly hilarious.
Okay Professor Whoopee, set the Wayback Machine for 1998. The “Asian Flu” had just hit Silicon Valley and the company where I was working began laying off contract workers in droves. I was performing systems integration of million dollar spectroscopic laser ellipsometers and was obliged to work along side a splendid specimen or two of humanity. One of them was quite obviously trying to medal at the Olympic contender level for “Rectal Cavity of the Year™.”
This young chap was from Afghanistan. His nation of origin did play a small part in his peculiar talent for annoying people. It was not so much because of a cultural basis, but more likely due to how his family was of some status back in the old country. This obliged him to assume an air of superiority that was entirely misplaced when dealing with precision instruments that can nearly measure individual atomic monolayers of semiconductor thin films. I seem to recall that Afghanistan’s own production of these machines has yet to reach the global market. Such a notion was well beyond this pissy twerp who carried on as if he was the end all, be all of technical assemblers. For reference’s sake, we shall call him Mr. Z.
As things wound down at the company, circumstances threw us together on a certain project. He essentially proceeded to mark out his territory like an overly possessive dog. To call him obnoxious is like referring to the ocean as, “rather damp.” He made life so intensely miserable to the point where I almost welcomed being laid off from a truly enjoyable line of work. During the last weeks of our collaboration, it came to light that this chap’s family had arranged his marriage to a young woman from the home country. This information was filed and forgotten until I had a chance to talk to another friend I made during my tenure at the company.
Last year, my pal and I were ruminating about the sniper attacks back east and he brought up a heart warming tale for my delectation. Mind you, all of this occurred during the height of the sniper attacks when authorities still thought it might be a terrorist plot.
So it went that Mr. Z and relations were obliged to go back east and meet his in-laws during their first visit to the United States. They were to tour the Washington, DC area where other relatives lived. Upon debarking their flight they rented an automobile to carry what had become a rather large entourage of family and baggage. The only passenger vehicle available with the capacity for that many people with so much luggage was …
Wait for it …
A WHITE VAN!
Due to suspicions that the sniper attacks were a terrorist plot, fairly intense racial profiling was (however mistakenly) employed while trying to apprehend the perpetrators. From what was recounted to me, the occupants of said white van, including the delightful Mr. Z, were pulled over and put through what amounted to cavity searches nearly every five minutes for the duration of their entire stay back east.
Let’s just say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
I suppose it warrants mentioning how I nearly crapped myself laughing so hard as I did while my friend recounted the tale of woe shared with him by the richly deserving Mr. Z. Sometimes, all the pieces fall together of their own accord. So it was on this occasion. I couldn’t have planned it any better myself.
Let’s share more tales of folks who went out of their way to tempt fate and were handed the check, payable in full.