The popular refrain, "I'm glad I'm not dating anymore"

In My Humble Opinion
1

I hear this repeated often on the SDMB, usually in response to a poster struggling with their dating life. It’s either posters who are married (usually for decades) in a long term relationship, or particularly common here, individuals that have completely given up on romantic relationships altogether. While this refrain implies relief at not having to put your ego at stake or wondering how somebody thinks of you, I often wonder about other reasons:

-Many guys here mention not getting “signals” from women. As in “I’m glad I’m not dating, because I just don’t get signals women give off that would show interest”. I can relate, back in high school I used to interpret friendly gestures (smiles, hugs, eye contact) as romantic interest. Later I learned the difference between women who were being friendly and women that were interested in me. But if you don’t get signals, then what about your spouse? Does your spouse have to exhaustively explain everything to make sure you get it? Or can you tell from her body language how she feels/what she wants?

-A few posters, such as Njtt, presented me with their dilemma: They’re either missing signals, or being creepy. I feel this is looking at it in a very binary and linear way, which is not how most people actually operate. They’re desperate not to come off as creepy, and there’s a lot of whinyness from guys complaining about double standards (if a woman does this, it’s fine, but if a man does it, it’s creepy). It’s as if there is no middle ground; determine a person’s boundaries, let them know you are interested, watch their body language.

-I’ve noticed that the (men) who do get signals, also get them from non-romantic sources too; friendships, work, family. Social intelligence goes a long way. It lets you connect the dots in ways that a manual will never explain.

-A more recent refrain I’ve seen is “I’m glad I’m gay” which implies gay relationships are extremely linear and devoid of drama, confusion, and frustration. I’m not gay and won’t pretend to know what it’s like, but I do have to wonder that at best, you are simply trading some relationship BS for other BS.

While “I’m glad I’m not dating” is supposed to come off as relief, it can sometimes come off as a weak smugpost, suggesting that the person no longer needs to deal with the intricacies of human interaction because they’re no longer dating and content to live among vulcan minded individuals.

I guess I’m the outlier. While I too am happy married, if I was ever single again I wouldn’t dread dating. I continue to learn and grow as a person, so my relationships continue to improve.

2

If I ever say, “I’m glad I’m not dating,” it’s not at all a smugpost. I was terrible at dating, kind of backed my way into the relationships I’ve had. I think I’m pretty good at being in a relationship; I’m just no good at the skills required to get into one in the first place. This is a serious deficit in my intelligence, very roughly akin to being dyslexic or being horribly clumsy or something; it’s not at all something I’m proud of.

I guess I’d turn your questions around on you. You seem to imply that there’s no significant difference between the social skills required to get into a relationship, and the social skills required to maintain a relationship. Is that an accurate summary of what you think, or am I missing something?

3

I usually use the phrase after hearing a single person’s dating horror story. However, I was terrible at dating, I have no idea what I’d do if I had to do it again.

4

I would be interested in seeing an example of “I’m glad I’m gay” because I don’t think I’ve seen it. I do see “You’re lucky you’re gay” which is hilarious as it somehow supposes that I guess gay couples don’t divvy up household chores or argue about taking the garbage out? I think the biggest difference is sex. Men and women are often portrayed as having different aims and goals as far as sex goes. Two gay men and two gay women are more likely to be on the same page regarding when to have it, but that’s a gross generalization as well.

5

I relate to almost everything here. I think I’m a good husband and father, but I was terrible at courtship.

I was terrible at reading women’s signals, and that was in BOTH directions. I guessed wrong a LOT- sometimes pursuing women who weren’t at all interested in me as anything more than a quirky, interesting pal and sometimes writing off women who WERE interested in me. After getting married, several female friends told me “You know, I always thought you were going too ask me out… why didn’t you?” Why not? Because you never seemed to show the slightest interest in me!!!

I’ve liked most of my jobs- I’ve always hated to process of LOOKING for a job. I’ve liked most of my cars- I HATE shopping for cars. And while I love my wife, I HATED the arduous process of trying to FIND a wife.

I am anything but smug. I genuinely hope my wife and I stay happily together until we die. And if we don’t, I’d sooner join a monastery than start trying to date again!

6

Left Hand of Dorkness, thank you for your honesty. To answer your question, I personally believe maintaining a relationship is harder than starting one. This is because there is more at stake; if you make a bad impression to a stranger on a blind date, maybe you beat yourself up about it a little, but at that point the person was still a stranger. Or maybe you’re still in that casual point in the relationship and the person does something that’s a boundary issue. When people date, they try to put their best foot forward, work hard and actively think of what they are doing.

In a stable relationship/marraige, people can have a tendency to ‘coast’. You feel like you’ve already won the person over and ride on that inertia. But as I’ve learned, relationships are just as much effort, if not more so, then just dating. People don’t like to admit this, they say, “If a relationship takes work then something is wrong”. I disagree. We should put the most effort towards the people closest to us, not the least amount.

In a stable relationship, the stakes are higher. Look at how long problem marriages/relationships die a slow death. There was a thread on this; most people can’t just ‘sever’ even when it’s the best choice to make. We get very accustomed to the routine of having a partner, even a bad one.

That is why I think it’s harder. Dating, in a way, is low risk high reward. At worst you get rejected by a near-stranger. At best you meet an amazing person.

7

I relate to almost everything here. I think I’m a good husband and father, but I was terrible at courtship.

I was lousy at reading women’s signals, and that was in BOTH directions. I guessed wrong a LOT- sometimes pursuing women who weren’t at all interested in me as anything more than a quirky, interesting pal and sometimes writing off women who WERE interested in me. After getting married, several female friends told me “You know, I always thought you were going too ask me out… why didn’t you?”

I’ve liked most of my jobs- I’ve always hated to process of LOOKING for a job. I’ve liked most of my cars- I HATE shopping for cars. And while I love my wife, I HATED the arduous process of trying to FIND a wife.

I am anything but smug. I genuinely hope my wife and I stay happily together until we die. And if we don’t, I’d sooner join a monastery than start trying to date again!

8

astorian, it sounds like you don’t like making certain kinds of decisions, which makes sense especially if you know how all the outcomes could pan out. Or maybe you don’t like feeling unsure how things will turn out- “Will I like this job/car/etc? What if it’s a lemon?” “Does this person like me? What if I try and kiss her and she backs up and laughs?”

9

I really doubt anyone here would cop to being smug. Based on the two replies, I’m sure everybody that chimes in will Not-smugly reply, “But I’m not smug about it”.

Frankly I’m only smug about the accomplishments I’ve made fair and square, which involved working harder than 99% of everyone else :smiley:

10

Not everything. Some things you can just write the main gist in 40 foot letters of fire.

11

I’ve guessed wrong with my wife many times, but when you’re married, you know you’ll get another chance to atone for mistakes and to learn from them. You generally DON’T get a second chance in the dating world.

When you’re married, you get time to LEARN what your wife wants, needs and likes, and when she wants/needs/likes it. When you’re trying to woo a single woman, one big mistake probably means it’s over.

Being a good husband isn’t EASIER than being a good boyfriend, but it’s less stressful.

12

I know my husband. I don’t know the guys I’d be dating and what their motives/feelings/plans are. Being married is a lot more relaxing. I don’t take my husband for granted, I don’t fail to do considerate things for him just because we’re married.

Edit: And what astorian said. Wooing is stressful.

13

I think most people consider the personal stakes to be lower when navigating how someone feels about you as an acquaintance or co-worker or whatever versus as a romantic partners. Obviously you still need to interact with people socially and read cues and stuff but you’re not trying to determine whether or not they’re being coy about wanting to get into your pants. The way people and society are, getting those cues wrong can be a quick street to the other person assuming you’re some sort of creep or overly attached (not just overtly sexual but demonstrating stronger feelings to someone who doesn’t return them often results in the relationship forever changed).

Also, sometimes in dating/relationship/sex threads, people say things that strike me as straight up insane and I’m glad I’ll never be crossing romantic paths with that mindset.

14

Why make it stressful? Why not make it fun/an adventure? I wonder if the neurosis about dating shows through on a person, making them less appealing to others. Then they get rejected, but aren’t quite sure why (maybe even the rejectors themselves aren’t sure why they didn’t feel chemistry either). So this makes them more neurotic, because they don’t know what they are doing wrong, and constantly second-guessing themselves.

Me, I enjoyed dating. I learned a lot from it. It was a great way to meet people, and I made huge improvements in my attitude and social intelligence. I learned to read body language, control my own (I used to have a terrible poker face when I was excited or upset) and just stretch outside my comfort zone by trying new food and experiences. Why should it be awful? Even the crazy “What the hell was I thinking” moments I look back at with humor, not regret.

15

I’m a widower who expects to remain single until I croak. I know for a fact I’ve said that before, and I meant it in relief. I was married and grateful to find a woman who was able to look past the fact that I absolutely suck at all aspects of courting. In fact, that’s true of all my relationships. I value you the ones I have because a new one coming along is so unlikely.

16

I dunno, I always kind of enjoyed dating. To paraphrase notorious ladies’ man Forrest Gump, dating was kind of like a box of chocolates: you never knew what you were going to get, and if you were really lucky, you might be invited to supply the gooey filling.

I love my wife, and I enjoy the married life tremendously, but I would say “I’m glad I’m married” rather than “I’m glad I’m not dating anymore.” They’re similar sentiments, but different.

17

I’ve said it. :slight_smile: Usually in situations where people talk about things like the aforementioned ‘signals’, or other male/female interactions that just baffle me. Like threads where people insist that men and women can’t be good friends without one (usually the guy) having or developing romantic intentions. The impression given is that men and women are such different different types that they can barely talk to each other clearly and that just seems like a bunch of ridiculous bullshit to me.

18

I see what you mean and agree with much of it.

If I were to admit that I was terrible at dating, and well thank goodness my wife came along, it would imply I was her Silver Medal. Similarly it would suggest I was only with my wife because she was the only one willing to put up with me.

I don’t like the idea of being a consolation prize. If I was terrible at dating then my wife probably would not have wanted a second date.

19

After ten or twenty years of trial and error, you start to catch on…

20

You can hate dating and yet rarely be the one being rejected, you know. Not everyone who is selective sees the weeding out process as a grand adventure.

I’m currently in a great relationship that I hope becomes permanent. If it does and I find myself ever wistfully looking back on the trials and tribulations of dating years, I hope someone slaps me across the face. It is hard to enjoy dating when 1) you’re not a social animal to begin with, 2) finding someone you’re attracted to is like panning for gold in an random backyard creek, and 3) there is no shortage of jerks and idiots who want to waste your time with foolishness.

“I’m glad I’m not dating anymore” is simply shorthand for “it’s a mess out there and I’m glad I’m not wading in it”. Has nothing to do with signals or any other thing, and I interpret nothing smug in this statement.