The possible states of CAT matter

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I, like many, have been worn out and depressed by the state of the world as we prepare to ring in a New Year. So I’ve spent a good bit of time playing with my endlessly selfish cats, to good effect. The house panthers don’t care, as long as they get what they want.

As I was doing so, I came to the realization that cats don’t fulfil the normal states of matter as commonly understood: Plasma, Gas, Liquid, Solid. So I’ve been attempting to classify them in a non-serious manner, and invite others to share their theories!

Default Cat-State: Super-cooled liquid, much like glass

Because my cats at least are not a traditional solid! They have a verifiable tendency to pool up at the bottom, and despite claims of bones, they seem to only apply on demand. But they aren’t a complete liquid in this state, they reserve that for the second state!

Passive Resistance Cat-State: Liquid

The defense state where they can’t be bothered to -do- anything but want to prove that they took no active role in whatever indignity being forced upon them. In this state, they’re a complete liquid, and must be carried in a container less they quickly flow to the ground. They also conform to the shape of the container. Rarely, they enter this form as some sort of enjoyment, especially if it’s warm - recently I pulled my 8qt slow cooker out of the dishwasher (stock time!) and left it on the counter to cool as I’d used the heated dry cycle. Moments of distraction later, a 6.5 kilo cat had moved into the still-hot container and become some form of liquid solution. I had to pour it out and reclean the insert.

Cat State of Disappearance: Gas

This one is obvious. We’ve all had one or more cats in an apartment or home disappear. They do not exist. They cannot be found. Rare instances where there’s a more logical answer abound in other threads (in a drop down ceiling, digging into a box spring mattress) - but I’m convinced the cat converts into a gaseous form from time to time. They most frequently do this to screw with their caregivers - it happens most if you have reason to worry, or are trying to take them to the vet, or give them meds. Gas form is one of the rarest states of Cat-matter, as most can only sustain it for a day or less.

Active Resistance Cat-State: Plasma

I’m not sure it’s a true plasma in terms of what physics would demand, but it’s the closest I can imagine. The cat begins to radiate energy in multiple spectrums (audio and thermal) - their static electricity turns up to 11, they gain size at the possible expense of mass, and become too dangerous to touch! They assume this state for… reasons many of which are beyond the key of humanity, including alien cats, space fairies only they can see, birds, squirrels, or sometimes just generalized hate. This is the most dangerous state of cat matter, and caution is advised.

2

Well, my cats frequently grow wings. You can’t see them. They are just there.
And they take wing and fly to the beams at the drop of a hat.
Literally. Drop your hat and the cat-only alarm bells go off. Whoosh. Up they go.

Your Plasma state. I call floofy tail syndrome. It always starts at the tail.

3

I believe there’s an alternate gas state in which the cat, while still visible to humans, can levitate: and must therefore be lighter than ordinary air.

In the liquid state they can also flow through improbably small spaces.

4

Cats are known to teleport, so that would indicate some supersymmetric quantum superpositions in the mix?

5

So, Schrodinger’s cat may have already left the box?

My puny understanding of all things has just been crushed.

(Picture me sitting here with an open mouth…)

6

@DPRK makes a good point, but it’s also possible that Cats have a neutrino state as well, as it’s well known that in addition to teleporting, they can walk through walls. And they’re aloof, so it would make sense that they only interact with other matter if they choose to do so.

They may combine this or alternate this with the gaseous state in order to accomplish their invisibility!

7

My mom’s house is old, and some of the heating vents (like the one in the bathroom) are big square cast-iron things in the floor. Mom’s last indoor cat, Baby, would lie on top of that vent and flow into the exact same square shape, to cover every inch of that vent without touching a whisker to the unheated tile around it.

8

Cat State of Disappearance: Gas

One of our cats is a dark grey tabby. He has the ability to completely disappear by turning himself into a shadow, a vapor, assuming the color of whatever hue the floor or background may be, much like a chameleon. Many is the time I’ve searched the house for him, high and low, only to find him seated in the area I looked directly at no more than 30 seconds ago, with “Looking for me?” on his self-satisfied face.

9

Cat State: Not My Problem Field

This is not a state of matter but more a state of existence (which may be said to be a state of matter since cats are made of matter and this can be one form).

Postulated by the late, great, Douglas Adams, the “not my problem field” is a form of invisibility. You might “see” the cat but it is not your problem so it is functionally invisible.

10

There is an entire subreddit devoted to presenting scientifical photographical evidence of the liquidity of cats.

https://www.reddit.com/r/catsareliquid/

11

I believe there’s a LeGuin short story in which, among other things, somebody opens a Schrodinger’s Cat box and finds that the cat, of course, is not in the box. – yup. The story’s called Schrodinger’s Cat. A very odd quite short story, well worth reading, and I have not entirely spoilered it; there’s more to come.

There is also a Passive Resistance Cat-State: Solid. In this state a cat who does not wish to be picked up becomes some form of Heavy Matter which weighs too much to be lifted.

It’s possible that this state is related to the Levitating Gas State, and that what’s actually going on is that the cats are able to control the extent to which they’re affected by gravity. If this explanation is true, it might also explain why it’s so difficult for humans to get up if they’re being sat or lain on by a cat – or sometimes even if the cat is only comfortable immediately adjacent to the human, such as curled up next to a human in/on a bed. Perhaps the cats are able not only to control the effect of gravity on themselves, but also its effect on a human that they’re in close contact with.

12

I would have to agree with this, based on instances of a cat who does not wish to be removed from a lap getting heavier, while that same cat can on other occasions jump much higher than one would expect from a being that size.