I, like many, have been worn out and depressed by the state of the world as we prepare to ring in a New Year. So I’ve spent a good bit of time playing with my endlessly selfish cats, to good effect. The house panthers don’t care, as long as they get what they want.
As I was doing so, I came to the realization that cats don’t fulfil the normal states of matter as commonly understood: Plasma, Gas, Liquid, Solid. So I’ve been attempting to classify them in a non-serious manner, and invite others to share their theories!
Default Cat-State: Super-cooled liquid, much like glass
Because my cats at least are not a traditional solid! They have a verifiable tendency to pool up at the bottom, and despite claims of bones, they seem to only apply on demand. But they aren’t a complete liquid in this state, they reserve that for the second state!
Passive Resistance Cat-State: Liquid
The defense state where they can’t be bothered to -do- anything but want to prove that they took no active role in whatever indignity being forced upon them. In this state, they’re a complete liquid, and must be carried in a container less they quickly flow to the ground. They also conform to the shape of the container. Rarely, they enter this form as some sort of enjoyment, especially if it’s warm - recently I pulled my 8qt slow cooker out of the dishwasher (stock time!) and left it on the counter to cool as I’d used the heated dry cycle. Moments of distraction later, a 6.5 kilo cat had moved into the still-hot container and become some form of liquid solution. I had to pour it out and reclean the insert.
Cat State of Disappearance: Gas
This one is obvious. We’ve all had one or more cats in an apartment or home disappear. They do not exist. They cannot be found. Rare instances where there’s a more logical answer abound in other threads (in a drop down ceiling, digging into a box spring mattress) - but I’m convinced the cat converts into a gaseous form from time to time. They most frequently do this to screw with their caregivers - it happens most if you have reason to worry, or are trying to take them to the vet, or give them meds. Gas form is one of the rarest states of Cat-matter, as most can only sustain it for a day or less.
Active Resistance Cat-State: Plasma
I’m not sure it’s a true plasma in terms of what physics would demand, but it’s the closest I can imagine. The cat begins to radiate energy in multiple spectrums (audio and thermal) - their static electricity turns up to 11, they gain size at the possible expense of mass, and become too dangerous to touch! They assume this state for… reasons many of which are beyond the key of humanity, including alien cats, space fairies only they can see, birds, squirrels, or sometimes just generalized hate. This is the most dangerous state of cat matter, and caution is advised.