I wish this were my story. It’s not. It was told to me by my brother. My brother teaches English at a college in Virginia. He is very smart.
I will now go into the first person and relate this tale of woe as it was told to me:
It was Friday night and I was trying to find something to rent at Blockbuster. Suddenly I come across “Femme Fatale.” “Femme Fatale” it seems according to the box, is an erotic thriller starrring Rebecca Romjin Stamos and Antonio Banderas.
"Great!’ I think. There’s Rebecca for me, and Antonio for my wife. We’ll both enjoy this movie.
I get home, and later that evening I open the box only to discover that inside the “Femme Fatale” box is actually a DVD of “Corky Romano.”
Neither my wife nor I are excited about this prospect, so we watch something else.
Monday after work I bring the film back to Blockbuster and explain the problem to the lady behind the counter. She nods in understanding, opens the boxy and sees that inside the “Femme Fatale” box is indeed a copy of “Corky Romano.”
She sends a person back to the “Corky Romano” section and sure enough they find a copy of “Femme Fatale” in one of the boxes. All is going smoothly.
“Ok, Sir. We apologize for the error, but it’s all taken care of now,” says the lady behind the counter.
“No problem,” I say. “Mistakes happen. So, did you just credit my account the rental fee, or are you going to refund me cash?”
“I’m sorry Sir, but you returned the film late. There should be a late fee, but I just cancelled it out since you had gotten the wrong movie.”
“Excuse me?” I reply.
“The late fee cancels out your credit, Sir.”
“I didn’t return anything late. I paid to rent “Femme Fatale.” I didn’t get it. Something I didn’t get can’t be late. You understand my point?”
“Yes Sir,” replies the lady with total reasonableness. “I scanned it. It was due back yesterday. Today it’s late.”
“No. I don’t think you understand. “Femme Fatale” was due back yesterday as a new release. I got “Corky Romano” which is not a new release. “Corky Romano” isn’t do until next Saturday. But, it doesn’t matter since I didn’t rent “Corky Romano.” I didn’t get the product I paid for. The mistake is yours. You owe me a refund.”
“Sir, I scanned the box. It was due back yesterday.”
“May I please speak to your manager?” I ask.
“One moment, Sir.”
At this time I was starting to get a little worried. There was a line behind me. I was keeping people waiting, and I was worried that I was pissing those people off. A glance backwards showed the exact opposite. They were staring and listening with rapt fascination.
The manager comes over and I explain the whole thing to him. He seems to understand, and acts reasonable.
“We apologize for the error, Sir,” he says. “How about we rent you “Corky Romano” right now?”
“I don’t want “Corky Romano.” I never wanted “Corky Romano.” I don’t want it. I wanted “Femme Fatale,” I got “Corky Romano” by accident. Your accident. What I would like is a refund for the rental fee, since I did not get what I paid for?”
"But you admit that you got “Corky Romano?” The manager asks slyly as if he has a point.
“No. That is not an admission. The fact is you gave me the wrong movie. That’s your fault, and I am in no way obligated to pay for it.”
“But you got the movie, Sir?”
“You don’t understand. The fact that you gave me “Corky Romano,” far from being the mitigating circumstance that you seem to be trying to imply, is actually an excacerbating factor. I was looking for Rebecca Romjin Stamos and you gave me Chris Kattan. That doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse.”
It appears that I’ve gotten through to this young man. He is able to make a value judgement between Stamos and Kattan.
“Well Sir, I guess we could let you take “Femme Fatale” tonight, free of charge.”
“That won’t work. I can’t watch it tonight. I could have watched it Friday. I can’t watch it tonight. I don’t know if or when I will be able to watch it and enjoy it after this. That’s why I need either a refund, or a credit.”
“She scanned it. It’s returned, Sir. We can’t give you the money back, and we can’t credit your account.”
“Excuse me,” I say. “Are you trying to tell me that Blockbuster has made no provisions for error whatsoever?”
“Yes Sir.”
“Forgive my skepticism, but Blockbuster has been around for over a decade. I find it difficult to believe that this is the first time in the millions or billions of movies that Blockbuster has rented, that this has never happened before. Is that what you are telling me?”
“We have a process of checking the boxes so that this doesn’t happen, Sir.”
“It didn’t work, did it?”
“No Sir.”
“Forgive me but what I’m asking is if Blockbuster is completely unprepared for this eventuality. Surely you must have a policy in place in case a customer gets rented the wrong movie or a broken one.”
“Oh yes sir. We do. Provided the movie was returned on time we will replace it and give a new rental period or a refund.”
“I would like the refund, please.”
“But the movie was returned late so the late fee cancels out your credit.”
“I thought we just went over this,” I say. “You agree that you gave me the wrong movie, right?”
“Yes. That was our mistake, and because of that we cancelled out the late fee…”
“Yes, yes, yes” I say, sensing a path to victory. “But you also agree that the movie you gave me was “Corky Romano,” which is not due back yet, right?”
“Uhhh, yes Sir.”
“Good. We understand each other. My question for you then is this: If it’s not due back yet, how can it be late?”
…And for a second I feel like I have him. For a second. Then it’s gone.
“Sir.” He say with finality. “We scanned it.”
And, as he says those words, my shoulders slump in total defeat. I English Professor, have just lost a debate to a pimply faced Blockbuster Manager younger than most of my students. But it’s a curious thing. Just when you think defeat has you, sometimes the God’s will smile at you and save the day.
My Deus Ex Machina came in the form of the line of people behind me, listening to the preceding in rapt fascination and horror.
As the pimply-faced horror spoke the words “We scanned it,” they reacted as a single unit, and in a shout of outrage at my decency they stormed the counter!
Nearly a dozen of them, Black, white, Hispanic, young, old, male, female, all types from all walks of life were suddenly joined in common unity at this outrage against my person and all that is decent and right… and they stormed the counter! It brought tears to my eyes to behold.
The hapless Buffoon of a manager withered before the onslaught, saw that he could not hide behind the inadequate pile of returned videos on the counter, and with an aggrieved look on his face he refunded my four dollars.
As I left the Blockbuster, my people (I thought of them as my people now) were patting me on the back and cheering me back to my car like I caught the winning catch at the football game.
And you know what? I felt like I had.