I work with a guy who is 5-10 minutes late every day. We’ve worked together for just over 2 years and I know damned well that he CAN show up on time - he does so when he’s under threat of being fired from racking up enough warnings over it - but then he goes right back to being late the very day his warnings expire. Doesn’t matter what time he starts, and right now he’s on a flexible schedule where they can vary his start time within a 2 hour window. They schedule him for 9am, he shows up at 9:10. The next day he’s scheduled for 10am, he shows up at 10:09. He just got another written warning for this last week and it didn’t matter, he was still late again the next several days.
Then of course, the first time he got to a FINAL warning, having gone from Verbal to Written to Final and having been spoken to about it many many times, he flipped out complaining that NO ONE EVER TOLD HIM HE COULD BE FIRED FOR THIS! :rolleyes: Bullshit dude, you’d been told many times by several layers of management and by me and most of your co-workers. To this day, a year and a half after that Final, he still complains bitterly about it, claiming that no one told him he could be fired for being late. Which is a flat out LIE. But again, he just got another Written Warning for it and he’s still showing up late pretty much every day.
When it is a habit, it is a choice. The only thing remaining is to determine why the individual continues to make the choice to be late.
Note that he isn’t thinking mean thoughts about others.
I am punctual for somethings and ‘fuzzy time’ for others. If I say, I’ll be there around 5, that means from 4:30 to 5:30. Deal with it.
I have a friend who sometimes gets pissed at my being late. The last time he got really angry we were meeting to have dinner, see a movie and then proceed to a New Year’s Eve party. We had selected a movie and a back up movie that started 30 minutes later. (just in case I was late) He was very angry when I got to his place and he pouted for 30 minutes before we went to eat but we still made the movie on time. NOT the back up movie, the original planned movie.
HE is so FREAKING NUTS about being on time he over plans everything. HE causes the stress.
I don’t understand that at all. If you have to be at work at 8:30 AM, you have to get ready to get in your car by 8:00 AM. To get in your car at 8:00 AM, you have to have all your morning ablutions done by that time, which means you get in the shower at 7:30 AM. I don’t understand why this is so hard. Are late people just overwhelmed by everything that has to be done instead of just doing it?
I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but I do deal with people like you by not associating with them. It seems to work for everyone.
Same with me. I’ll give you a couple of chances, but about the third time I miss something or am late for something because of YOU, that’s pretty much the end of our relationship. Your attitude about it (“deal with it”) comes across as very narcissistic. Life isn’t all about YOU.
That’s fine. Without wanting to sound patronising at least you are trying and are aware of the potential issues. And the magnitude of the lateness matters as well so I suspect not too many people will think your examples as too much of an issue.
Plus I like the honest admission of your staring into space while putting your makeup on. I’m not a morning person either so I’ve done much the same…not the makeup though…well, not that I’ll admit to anyhow.
I get annoyed by people who are always significantly late, or who are late in certain circumstances where I consider tardiness very rude. But I don’t take it as personally as most in this thread seem to. Garden-variety lateness of 5-15 minutes for various things is extremely common, and not an issue with me.
I’m good these days at being punctual or a bit early for everything, and usually get very stressed if I begin to feel like I might be late. I used to be late for most everything, it was caused by depression and my ADD didn’t help.
Very rarely am I late for work but for social functions I’d say I’m about 50/50. I’m never more than 10 minutes late or so, but I’m still late. I’m a HUGE procrastinator and I’m always rushing to be somewhere even when I’ve had plenty of time to get ready.
(Also guilty of staring into space while applying makeup)
Er, I see a problem there. Your husband gets out of having to help with the kids by procrastinating. I’d suggest that you ask for some help or don’t bother getting ready until you’re sure he’s going to be available to help.
Well, if we’re going to be flinging mean labels around for behaviours, I can think of some for yours. You keep getting burned on this time after time? Yeah, the words I’m thinking of aren’t “clever” or “imaginative”. Who cares if you’re late to dinner at your in-laws’? Sounds like just you. I’d expect that your husband’s parents have adjusted by now to his lateness.
Finally, Minnesota has a claim to fame. You guys should put that on your license plates.
“Minnesota-- We’re Prompt!”
“Minnesota-- nO tArDy ChIx”
“Minnesota-- 2 Maybe 3 Strikes and You’re Out, Mister!”
“Minnesota-- Nothing to Do or See but We’re On Time, Dammit”
I’m sorry if you thought I was being hostile, because I wasn’t. 90% of my post was explaining what I thought might be the reasons for me tending to run late, what I do to compensate for it (typically running ridiculously early instead). The last bit was mostly because I was stunned that in nearly two pages of responses, nobody else had noticed that “Kryptonite” was spelled wrong, and figured I’d make a joke of it.
Yes, actually. All those things. I said there would be consequences. I didn’t mean just for him.
He will not change on his own, and you cannot change him. The only control you have in this situation is your own actions. If he is given a good enough reason to be on time, he will be on time. Here’s the tricky part: it’s hard to figure out what that reason is going to be, it’s not going to be the same reason for every situation, and it’s not always going to be something you’re willing to do. He might respond well to a threat to leave without him, if you’re willing to back it up and actually do so. He might respond to a timer. He might respond to your kids asking him to hurry up. What he is not responding to is you sulking in the car, so if this is important enough to you, you’re going to have to try something else.
That may entail acknowledging that you’re all going to be late and accordingly, don’t dress the kids 40 minutes before you actually leave. (And if you’ve been with this man for long enough to have multiple kids with him and still haven’t figured that one out, god help you.) The other, harder option is upping the consequences of him being late and giving him a good reason to change his habits. That could mean leaving without him and facing all the social awkwardness that goes along with that action, or it could mean not going at all.
What you have to decide is if the nuclear option will be worth it in a given situation. Pick your battles. Tickets to the movies? There are usually 30 minutes of trailers and commercials before the film; can you live without seeing those? As long as it’s not opening night you should be able to find seats in the dark. Dinner at his parents? He didn’t grow up in a vacuum; are they as relaxed about being on time as he is? If so, suck it up and take your time getting the kids ready. Dinner at your parents, who are as punctual as you are? Consider going without him and hashing out why later. There will be arguments if he doesn’t like being left behind. It will be tough, it could even be fatal for your marriage; you’d know better than all of us whether that would be true. You have to decide whether this is a hill you want to die on or not.
Personally, I would leave without him so as not to be late, and let him worry about getting there when he gets there, or not getting there at all, if he continues to choose that path. But then, I’m a bit of an asshole and I don’t like playing patsy for other people’s passive-aggressive power ploys. I know it is a little different in marriage situations, but SOMETHING has to give here, either you or him or the entire relationship.
I’m the on time type in general, but I’m often late for work on purpose. This has caused some staff issues since one of my coworkers is the 15 minutes early = on time type, and the other one is often at least 30 minutes late. I’m usually 15-20 minutes later than my contracted start time, but I stay late so often that I don’t think it matters.
So the early bird spends the entire morning thinking she’s keeping her steaming anger to herself when in fact we’re all walking on eggshells knowing full well that she’s pissed off that we were late. The thing is I’m the manager, they both work for me. I had to actually sit down with early bird and tell her to knock it off, that our organization doesn’t judge or punish people for arriving after she does, and that her behavior was inappropriate. Our coming in later does not impact her in any way other than to ruffle her moral sensibilities.
I don’t really care at all if someone is late for work as long as their work gets done once they arrive. If I’m late it’s because I decided to nix the outfit and try a new one, or one of my kids started an interesting conversation in the kitchen as I was filling up my coffee to go cup and I just felt those things were a higher priority for me than what time I show up at work for the day.
Nothing interesting ever happens before I get there anyway so, you know, I don’t *feel *tardy.
spits I dunno about them big ciddies but out here in th’ sticks, we’re durn proud of our forthrightness.
I know a lot of people have complained over the years about how Minnesota Nice is a cover for secret rudeness and passive aggression. We must just move in different circles or something. \o/
Still, no area or state can lay claim to a universal character with regard to promptness or tardiness, because no culture is monolithic or static. It wouldn’t surprise me if Minnesotans were pretty “lax” about time in contexts that New Yorkers are stricter about. I learned by living in Switzerland that punctuality there is not some kind of absolute rule for all social interaction.
I have noticed around here that the potential for being accused of rudeness doesn’t seem to be a valid incentive for politeness. Have ya SEEN the Pit yet?
On to the lateness thing - I am very ditzy. I have very little time sense, and I don’t yet know the area I’m living in well. (I’m working on that last one.)
Subsequently, I am anywhere from 10 to 45 minutes EARLY to just about everywhere I go.
Work is different - I have that routine and route pretty solid, so for work I’m only usually about 5 to 10 minutes early every day.
Everywhere else? I’d rather sit in the car with a book for half an hour, relaxing, knowing that I’m there and don’t need to worry about time.
Before I decided consciously to be early to everywhere, I was one of those “non-existent” people who were anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes early or late to everything. The stress and worry (and constant apologies to everyone) were too wearing, so now I move any appointment time mentally forward, and am now simply even more early.
I used to be rigorously on time for everything. Early, in fact. Never late for a meeting, appointment, bus, train, or plane in my life.
Until I became a father, a year ago. Drives me nuts sometimes, because punctuality is my nature, but getting the kid ready takes however long it takes.
Still, no area or state can lay claim to a universal character with regard to promptness or tardiness, because no culture is monolithic or static. It wouldn’t surprise me if Minnesotans were pretty “lax” about time in contexts that New Yorkers are stricter about. I learned by living in Switzerland that punctuality there is not some kind of absolute rule for all social interaction.