Even now, fascist vowel brethren, the campaign continues. See how Agent E’s potions work even now against the likes of brother rat, who burbles …
… when clearly he is, for he is “rat”.
heh, heh, heh
Campaign reports to follow, brothers and sisters. Until then, keep the faith, and kick the Quacks!
Yours, in secret whispers in the dark,
The Vowel Fascists.
PS: We’re in darkness 'cause we forgot to pay the utility bill last month. But, once we have sorted that out (a consonant clerk in the accounts department was at fault. We’re dealing with him right now), we’ll be in touch!
Oh dear. A once fearsome regime which can no longer afford to pay its power bills. What’s that you say? A clerical error? MWAHAHA…
One can now almost (but not quite) feel a certain pity for TVF, hunkered down in their damaged Vowelstag, the building itself a mere shadow of the glory days of deluded vowel supremacist euphoria. Sad indeed to witness this once noble foe reduced to concocting potions and issuing rambling edicts from the bunker. We are waiting for them to reach new depths with “THE CONSONANTS ARE USING THE NUMBERS AS MUSCLE” routine at their dwindling VowelShirts rallies.
Will Herr Wolf follow the traditional way out, only to suffer the added indignity of a posthumous testicular stocktake at the fingers of a consonant coroner?
History will look kindly upon the good citizens of New Zealand, the seat of the infamous Vowelstag. This country has long suffered a scarcity of vowels, with the proletariat being forced to subsist on admittedly generous “U” rations, while the other vowels were in almost constant short supply. “A, E, I, and O” are required for the war effort", they were told. But the resistance forces knew better. O Yes! The honest, hard working folk in the streets of Auckland were surviving on U-modified *fush und chups *, while inner party members within the Vowelstag lay back on plush couches whilst semi-naked nubian maidens lowered bunches of As and Es into their greedy mouths. The people could bear no more!
COMRADES, it is my glorious duty to tell you that our armoured regiments are descending on the Vowelstag compound, and are meeting no resistance apart from a few old men with E-shooters. The building itself appears to have smoke coming from it. The end is near for the evil ones! (and for this thread ).
(Psst! Great Zamboni! I really loved this thread! – Ice Wolf)
ahem
Und now, I see ve are gettiing vit the personal attack, hmm? slaps riding crop hard against jackboot
Heh, heh, heh. You mean Frau Wolf, don’t you? In the even of our glorious demise, should it ever come – testicular stocktakes won’t be our concern. Who do you think we are – that has-been painter from Austria?
This from a QXA lackey who lives amidst a poleaxed, over-bronzed poplace who say, “Giiiiiiiid-dyyyyyyyaaaaaaeee!” at every opportunity? Heh. No one loves their vowels like the Aussies. That’s why The Vowel Fascists love you big lugs.
Actually, we’re more into semi-naked toned stud-muffins, but hey – we are sure there can be room for trade.
Ja, ja – und you think we’d leave lovely big signposts for you dumkopfs to come und attacks us? What do you think this is, “Hogan’s Heroes”? We moved off-shore years ago. Forget the old men – they die as heroes for the cause.
The Vowel Fascists will slip away, as we have down throughout millennia. When the smoke clears, and you pretty boys are finished with your games – we will be back. We always come back.
As they say – ya can’t kill weeds. Not forever.
heh, heh, heh
Signed (possibly signing off, who knows, eh GZ?)
The Vowel Fascists
Comrade, you have been with me throughout our glorious struggle, and now we are faced with this crushing humiliation.
The fall of the Vowelstag was to be my greatest triumph. I was to be made Konsonant-General because of it. A villa on the banks of the Grdzrwv. And now… and now… THIS!! The enemy headquaters stripped and empty. And Frau Wolf, ever one for the theatrical touch, leaving Agent Q’s tail in that jar of formaldehyde where she knew I would find it.
And the pithy note…
A handsome woman! That accent! The BDSM outfit! Oh Igor!!!
No… must… be… strong…
We have the numbers.
Their U-boats cannot have gone far.
[sub]Taking a small break while rearranging the living room. Oh, the clutter! The clutter! – Ice Wolf[/sub]
Encoded Telegram to Herr General TheLoaded Dog follows …
[Transmission Start]
Herr General.STOP.We have room in The Vowel Fascists for a man of your obvious talents.STOP. Committee has decided to create new rank, complete with pensions and all the nubile young maidens you want.STOP.Rank to be known as Vowel-Marshal.STOP.All yours.STOP.Acknowledge message for return transmission of U-Boat coordinates for pickup.STOP.
[Dan Rather] Well, obviously, this whole TVF and QXA “stand-off-challenge-crisis” thing is a huge plot masterminded by only one person: the !. Yes, you heard me, the !. Who else could be so diabolical as to put both sides of our beloved alphabet against each other? The !. It makes perfect sense. You see, as soon as the two factions eliminate each other, the ! and his minions (@,#,$,%, etc.) will quickly take over the speaking world. Soon, we’ll all be speaking as if we’re characters ripped from our Sunday comics. We cannot live in a society where it seems like we’re always cursing at each other. Unless the two factions come to an agreement, I fear that whole world will be in ruin. But on the plus side, we won’t have to hear George W. Bush speak anymore. This is Dan Rather, signing off. [/Dan Rather]
::sits at Vowelstag bar, gradually becoming more belligerent::
GNAhhh! ::cough:: I ALWAYSH THOUGHT that Q was a big phony. RUNNIN AROUN with her little slash jusht daaaannglin aroun. WHY ANY FOOL could shee that Q’s just an O gone wrong!
SHE’SH ANN -ann- ANNO!! foolssh. . .
CANTrushter. . ::snort::
WUZZA fine lookin vowel, once.
ConFUSEDed, thatsh what she ish. . .
Furtively, the intrepid agent for the Vowel Fascists looks around himself, then nods, and talks urgently into the potted plant
“Your eyes in the Vowelstag bar here. Looks like most of the QXA army have come in here tonight, and they’re absolutely blotto! One keeps calling himself Dan Rather, and is animatedly talking to a pickle stuck on a fork, with a long piece of noodle dangling from the tines, while another is telling everyone about his hot and steamy affairs with transgender letters. So far they haven’t tracked down the off-shore base. I’ll advise any further intelligence, as soon as I’ve found any that the vodka hasn’t reached yet. Up the Vowels!”
Standing, straightening his back, our intrepid spy then returns to his duties polishing the glasses and spitting on the bar. He winces as one of the soldiers weaves his way across the floor to the pot plant, and then proceeds to urinate on it. Our spy shakes his head, shrugs, and vows to use the petunia next time.
If only this Union had been formed earlier… James Bond films could still be graced by the inclusion of Desmond Llewelyn as the beloved Q… Now, after an attack by the Vowel Fascists 2 years ago that the Union was not here to prevent… we have to put up with John Cleese in the new films! And his name is R!
You cannot blame us for anything to do with James Bond. That is completely out of our control.
If we had it our way, the replacement for the late, lamented Desmond Llewellyn would have been coded “U”. However, The Vowel Fascists were not consulted. So there you have it.
Fondly recalling the “Q” of James Bond,
“Really, 007 – not another Aston Martin!”
The Vowel Fascists.
Someone wants to join us? Really?! Gosh, grab 'im quick!
Certainly, comrade ryoushi. You are most welcome among The Vowel Fascists. (BTW, we’re not really fascists, but all the other words had been taken at the School for Despotic Loonies. We had to take what we could. We’re really nice fascists.)
Sorry about the state of our U-boat, we had a little victory party last night that got slightly out of hand. “Will someone take that bra off the periscope? Thank you. And the G-string.” mutter, mutter
Frau Wolf STOP I can wait no longer STOP I will join you STOP conditional on bringing my faithful lickspittle Igor STOP he is a good boy and will not get in the way STOP also he is very skilled at jackboot polishing STOP a little daft and emits unusual nocturnal noises but has buns to die for STOP indescribable feeling of liberation STOP had fill of pinko K-huggers on student grants STOP anticipating sharing schnapps und bawdy cabaret show mit dich STOP Will confirm U-boat pickup co-ordinates STOP leave G-string on periscope for identification STOP
Welcome, Vowel-Marshal TheLoadedDog. We meet at last! Oh, and I see you have your Igor with you. Such a sweet little – whatever.
Er. I see your Igor is very good at polishing jackboots. But can’t he wait until I take them off?
May I introduce you to Kommandant Ryoushi, another of our new recruits. I’m sure you will both have many, many stories to swap, ja? I – Excuse me a moment …
You! Yes you! Knock it off mit der “We All Live In A Yellow Submarine” singing, got that? Vot? No, you cannot have any more schnaps. You’ve had too much already. Give me that, it’s for the new recruits. Danke.
Bah! Someday you’ll all see the light and bow down to the One Symbol, the Holy One: The !. His minions will take over your puny bases and categorically stomp on your clauses and phrases. Soon enough He’ll take down everything, including the mainstay of language: “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.”
Don’t resist. Because resistance is futile. But you knew that, didn’t you?
-//@$+[&|_ (That’s Wastrel, you inferior letter-users!)
Someday, us Symbols will rule zi world!
tries desperately to cover up the fact that behind him a giant breakdancing party is going on
Um, don’t mind what’s behind me…it’s nothing…hey look over there! It’s Al Gore! They say that he’s entirely composed of consonants. Go get em!
(Doesn’t this all seem a bit one-sided? sigh it’s hard running a secret world-domination faction alone)
-//@$+[&|_, Grand Poobah, SIOoS (Secret Internation Organization of Symbols)
Damn, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times! Please watch the china there! It’s been in the family for a long time…OH! Now you’ve done it! If you don’t stop, I’ll…say stop again!
After hours of consideration, the SIOoS is disbanding. Whether because of money troubles, or just a lack of good booze and Hostess snacks, we can’t be sure.
So where’s the line for the partaaaaay?
And where the hell did the original OP idea go anyway? Anyone want to venture a guess?
-Wastrel
SIOoS Vacuum and Household Appliance division: “We make things that suck!”
Good point, comrade Wastrel. I think the moral of this sordid little tale is – “Q” is still cool with a “U” or without, and is currently starring in a off-Broadway hit: “Tails Adrift”, and “X” found itself, came out of the closet as it were, and is now seeking a lucrative career in the art photography business. And they star in their own right, more and more each day. Thanks to Scrabble players everywhere.
The QXA association of consonants need the vowels, and The Vowel Fascists just love consonants. Without 'em, life would be one heck of a scream.
Y’know, we feel the need for a group hug coming on. Let us all gather together, and HUG
).
And his name is R!