That’s in answer to the toaster.
As for the dog hair, take him to an upside down room, so the hair falls on the ceiling.
Varnish.
How should I tie a canoe to the roof of my mini?
Do you mean varnish the dogs? If so, how do I get them to stay in one place while the varnish dries, so that they don’t smear it over everything?
To tie a canoe to the roof of your mini you should saw it in half and put one half inside the other - so that the canoe doesn’t overhang too much at the front and back. Then, since the mini is such a small car, tie the canoe on top by putting the rope underneath the car and then over the top - sort of like wrapping a parcel - or hou can forget the rope and use ‘Blu-tack’!!!
Hang them from your clothesline by the tail. Be sure to tape their nose and mouth closed so they don’t inhale those nasty varnish fumes. Let’s be safe about it!
How can I keep the house warm in the winter?
Cars produce lots of heat when their engines are running. So, just get an old clunker from a used car lot, park it in the living room, keep the engine running, and you’ll have a nice, toasty house.
Charcoal barbecues provide lots of inexpensive heat. My personal favorite is the old Hibachi types. Make sure you place it directly on a shag rug, so the rug will retain the heat, and prolong the effect.
How can I make a good impression at my next Elks Lodge meeting?
Propose an aggressive recruitment drive to strengthen your male membership, perhaps with an active male youth auxillary, too. Strongly consider partnering with other organizations with similar interests, like the North American Man Boy Love Association or Aryan Youth Groups, with lots of press releases to that effect. In FACT, go ahead and do the press releases on Elk letterheads without official sanction. You’ll be seen as a proactive planner and EVERYONE will be really impressed.
QUERY: What’s the best way to get the large neighbor kid and his half dozen weed smoking hoodlum friends from blasting their rap music? Should I get tough or what? (I’m 5’ 2")
Invent a “secret handshake”. This handshake should involve your penis. This shared gesture will be a celebration of your manhood. Demonstrate the handshake, but don’t ask first. This is a violation of your alpha male attitude. Simply proform your invented penis handshake. Then propose that it become the official handshake. Your effort to bond in such a meaningful way will make an impression indeed!
Taking the lead of the progressive social leaders of the late 60s, and attempt to befriend the large neighbor kid and his goons. Make sure to use “hip” youth slang as much as possible, even if you barely understand it. Make clear to the goons that you wish to be their “big buddy.” Make sure that you cry as you speak to them, as if overcome by strong emotion. Try to break the ice with spontanious hugs and kisses. And never take “no” or “get lost” for an answer.
I’m meeting my fiance’s parents for the first time, at their home in Mobile next Sunday, right after their revival meeting lets out (6 or 7 PM, depending on how long it takes them to round up the rattlesnakes.) Is there anything I can do to make a good first impression? Any “little white lies” I can tell that might help me out?
They’re a lot funnier if you shuffle questions and answers.
Q. How do I jump-start my non-existant love life?
A. Cut off your head and all extremities.
Q. How do I keep my house warm in winter?
A. Have lots of unprotected sex with promiscous strangers.
How do I lure the promiscuous strangers into my house?
Follow up question - how do I exercise my dogs now that I’ve varnished them? The can’t walk, and their tails stick straight out!!
Woah, slow down, I can’t answer all these!
*
How do I give up smoking?*
Move to a place where there is no fire. No fire, no smoking. Trust me.
How do I lure the promiscuous strangers to my house?
First, identify the promiscuous strangers. Most of them are famous celebrities. Write long, passionate letters to the celebrities of your choice declaring your undying passion and desire to never let them get away once you have them in your residence.
How do I exercise varnished dogs?
Grasp them firmly by the tail, whirl them around three times and let 'em fly.
I’m meeting my fiance’s parents for the first time. Is there anything I can do to make a good first impression? Any “little white lies” I can tell that might help me out?
Be sure to wear your oldest, smelliest clothes. Do not bathe. They will appreciate it if you don’t ‘put on airs’. No one wnats to think you might be better than them. Tell them you’ve been unemployed for 5 years, but you’re sure a good job is ‘just around the corner’.
And my question:
How can I get paid a lot of money for posting to the SDMB?
Email *Lynn Bodoni. Email her nine or ten times a day, demanding to be be paid. If she doesn’t respond, start dozens of new threads in every forum about it. Keep this up until the checks start rolling in!
How do I clean my gun?
With your penis.
My husband farts alot. What can I do to make the situation more aromatic?
He should definitely eat more eggs. And cabbage. And each time he eats eggs or cabbage, he should have a big bowl of baked beans. All of this should be washed down with beer, of course!
I want to watch a solar eclipse. What’s the best wat to do this?
Email Lynn Bodoni. Email her nine or ten times a day, demanding to be be paid. If she doesn’t respond, start dozens of new threads in every forum about it.
After you follow this advice, she’ll clean it for you!
To clarify Shirley’s advice: first coat liberally with rubbing alcohol.
Regarding Hubby’s gas:
if you cook for him, make sure you include mostly sweet-smelling foods in his meals, such as Teriyaki steak, honey-roasted chicken, and baked beans saturated in molasses or maple syrup.
A 25 wat. I believe you’ll find to 40s, 60, 75 wat and up much too bright and they’ll outshine to eclipse.
My mother-in-law’s breath smells like nutrea colon. What’s a polite way to let her know?
The next time you go to your mother-in law’s residence, eat a whole lot of very colorful foods before hand (red and green tortilla chips, bell peppers, guacamole, fiery red hot sauce, etc). Then ingest the recommended dose of Ipecac just before you get to her house. When you feel your gorge rise, explain to her very politely that her breath is so foul it seems to be causing some sort of internal reaction. Proceed to vomit copiously on every most precious exposed surface, especially if it will be difficult to clean.