The best way to view a solar eclipse is to look directly at the earth from the surface of the moon.
My question: My wife has been coming home cranky from work every day. how can I help her relax?
Clearly she’s very tired. Be considerate! Instead of bothering her for sex, bring home a prostitute. Explain to ther that you understand how tired she is from workign so hard, and that she can go relax, instead of going through all the effort that sex requires. She’ll thank you!
I want to earn some extra money. Any advice on the best way to do that?
[ul]
[li]Don’t do the laundry- she loves the smell of the fabric softener[/li][li]Don’t wash the dishes- she needs to soak her hands in the lemony scented lotion[/li][li]Leave a few “little messes” around for her to clean up, like kid’s crayon on the walls or spilled chocolate milk. She gets to participate in the children’s day this way[/li][li]Let her get dinner. She knows how to cook what she wants the right way, and she’ll love you for letting her have the freedom of her kitchen[/li][li]Get a beer and relax- she’ll relax when she sees that you’re relaxed.[/li][/ul]
By the way, what’s the best way to get chocolate out of a car seat? It was smashed into the seat and has been baking in the sun for a couple weeks…
As a woman, she is probably not feeling like she accomplished anything at work. The best thing is to fill up the sink with dirty dishes so she can really get some hands-on work done by washing them. Scientific studies have shown this to be true. Also, a nice gift of Sears tools, like a nice circular saw, is a guaranteed to make her happy.
Husband and wife hobbies also help. Buy his and hers drumsets and flail away those tension woes!
Chocolate has a lower melting point than a car seat. So put the car seat in your oven, with a pan below it, and gradually turn up the temperature until all the chocolate has melted and flowed down into the pan.
My question: I have two friends who used to be a couple, but had a bad breakup, and now aren’t on speaking terms. What can I do to ease the tensions of the situation?
First of all, you’ve got to get them together as often as possible to work things out. I suggest that you invite them over without telling each that the other is coming. Second, you need to help them air things out by reminding them of hurtful things that the other person said or did. This process can be helped along with a convivial atmosphere, so I suggest you serve (and encourage the consumption of) lots of liquor. While you’re at it, if there have been any troubles involving any of their family members, you should invite them too.
My question: I’ve gotten out of shape. Any advice for losing 100 pounds by July?
Have both legs amputated above the knee. This should rid you of at least 30 pounds or so; pushing the wheelchair around for the next couple of months should take care of the rest.
I have a nagging cough and I’ve run out of Ricolas. What should I do?
Removing arms and legs won’t be enough, you’ll need to try home liposuction. You’re in luck because Home Depot has Shop Vacs on sale now.
Do I really need sunscreen?
Once again, the questions pile up like 18-wheelers in a fogbank on the I-5.
I want to earn some extra money. Any advice on the best way to do that?
Most Hollywood movies have the answer. Try to imitate any or all of the following:
Dog Day Afternoon, Fargo, Ocean’s 11, The Usual Suspects, Reservior Dogs.
I have a nagging cough and I’ve run out of Ricolas. What should I do?
If you don’t smoke, you should take up smoking cigarettes. Try one of the brands that sells unfiltered cigarettes. Also, you should probably change professions. Try working somewhere like a textile factory, or coal mine.
Do I really need sunscreen?
There are so many variables to consider, but the short answer is: no. The sunscreen industry is a powerful and secret organization that controls most of the world’s few remaining petroleum reserves. Don’t support them if you can help it.
And my question:
Where should I go on my Honeymoon?
Not at all. In fact, sunscreen is part of a government conspiracy to cover up the fact that prolonged exposure to UV radiation causes people to develop superpowers. (Note that Superman, Birdman, and Scott “Cyclops” Summers all gain their powers through solar radiation. Coincidence?) Go ahead and get all the sun you like, and before long you’ll be leaping tall buildings in a single bound, or at most 2 or 3.
(Note: side effects may include sunburn, melanoma, and an abnormal desire to wear primary-colored Spandex undergarments.)
My new question: What’s a surefire way to keep people from posting before I do?
The only surefire way I know to keep people from posting before you do is to only start new threads and never post to existing threads. Be sure to post at least 20 new threads a day. If your new thread is in reference to another thread already active, do not post a link to that thread. Only refer to it as ‘that thread that someone posted earlier’.
But then you still run the risk that someone else will have already started a similar thread.
To be really certain, never post to threads on existing messageboards, just create a new messageboard whenever you feel the need to post.
(It might not be a bad idea to create your own internet for each such messageboard while you’re at it.)
Send a personal e-mail to every member of the board telling each person not to post before you.
I have a case of poison oak. What can I do to help it?
Natures answer to poison oak is, of course, semen. Rub the affected area hard, then masturbate copiously. Repeat until all sensation is gone.
If you are female, don’t despair, many coworkers will be happy to help you out if you are vague about your reasons. Or even better, since it’s tax season, and the semen of most IRS agents is super concentrated, try to get audited and seduce the agent.
My child’s birthday party is coming up. How can I make it super-memorable?
You answered your own question without even realizing it: semen. and copious amounts of it.
But first give your child poison oak.
I still need to know: where should I go on my honeymoon?
That’s easy, the Bunny Ranch. Your newfound wife will love being in a whorehouse with you surrounded by beautiful women. But you don’t want your wife to be jealous, so she may only watch, but can’t do anything. After you’re through with said whorehouse, you should go to K Mart in order to buy the tools she will need (mop, vacuum cleaner etc.) Then you should to your mothers house. What bride doesn’t want to be taught how to please their husband by his mother? Do this, and you will be off to a great start in your marraige.
My question: I really like this girl, but she has filed repeated restraining orders. What is the best way to show her that she really loves me?
First of all, ignore the restraining order. Judges don’t mind if you disobey them, they expect it. Next, send as many letters to this girl as you can. Go to her house every day, and wait for her. It’s ok to break in once in a while–it shows you care. Call frequently, and leave vaguely threatening messages on her voicemail. Chicks dig that! And, whatever you do, don’t give up! The police won’t shoot, no matter what they say.
My Q: What can I do with these old newspapers in my attic?
Newsprint is designed to break down when mixed with gasoline. Douse the pile liberally, then sit back and enjoy a smoke while you wait for the petroleum to do its magic.
My question: I have serious disagreements with many of the president’s policy descisions. As a citizen, what’s the best way to make him aware of my views?
Take a page from our ancestor’s book. Nothing says “I disagree with you” quite so viscerally as flinging poo. Take the Whitehouse tour, and when you pass the oval office, drop trou and let fly. Try to spell “NO WAR” on the wall before the nice men with tasers arrive.
I’m fresh out of lebanese sausage, but that is what the recipe calls for. What can I substitute?