Just tell her - preferably at a family dinner, where you’ll have some back-up. You can also give her a gift-wrapped bottle of Listerine from all the family.
I would suggest, though, that you stop kissing her passionately at every meeting - it won’t seem so bad if you’re not up close and personal.
Your thoughtful President has set up a really luxurious honeymoon resort at Guantanamo bay. Book in advance, so that you can share a cage. Or, if you want some excitement, I suggest tou go to Iraq. Bring lots of clothes with the American flag pattern, so that the natives know you are american.
Renting yourself out as a gay prostitute for some butt lovin’ for men whose wives are too tired after a long work day to have sex with their husbands Pays pretty good money from what I hear, better if you dress up in garters, open crotch panties, bustier and flamboyant wigs.
I have a mole infestation in my yard. What should I do?
Fortunately, Lesbian sausage is (phonetically, at least), a perfect substitute. Remember to marinade the sausage in toluene for at least two hours, as Lesbian sausage is made from silicone rubber, and will be tough if cooked straight from the package.
Freshly cut penises off should suffice in a pinch, but the capturing and restraining of homosapien male is rather strenous. Ball Park Franks can be used with no noticeable difference.
Consult a landscape dermatologist to determine whether any of the moles are cancerous. If not, don’t worry about them – they’re your back yard’s “beauty marks.”
Question: I have a cowoeker who is always popping into my cubicle to share “funny” stuff from her favorite web site. What can I do to discourage her?
Nothing discourages this behaviour better than reciprocation. Go ahead and pop into her cubicle to share funny stuff from any of the following websites:
Question: A friend of mine and his wife just had twins. What can I do to be supportive while they have newborns?
Your friends are probably under a lot of stress right now. As always, humor is the best remedy. I’ve always found dead baby jokes to be the funniest. Try those.
Question: My upstairs neighbor is really noisy, like she’s a tapdancing elephant. How do I get her to be quiet?
When she is not at home, break into her place and place hidden video cameras throughout the apartment. Then broadcast it across the web to help her get the job she was born to do: an extra in Showgirls!
What is the best way to treat hemerroids?
Turpentine. There is no substitute.
how do I get these pesky wine stains out of my white shag carpet?
Place dead babies atop them, which will conceal them. Heck, place dead babies somewhere else nearby, which will certainly draw attention away from them.
Question: I’m collecting dozens, bordering on hundreds, of coke cans and decoratively stacking them around my office. What should I do with them when I’m done?
There’s no telling when you’ll be done, exactly, but this kind of obsessive behavior will most likely continue until you are dead. In which case, arrange to have all the cans buried with you.
Build a fort out of them, complete with a “No Cow-Orkers” sign, that way none of your cow-orkers can disturb you in your “happy place”
soda cans also make great insulation, as long as they’re filled with asbestos, or flatten them out and use them to make a suit of “plate mail” armor
Not to worry. When your boss sees what you’re doing, you’ll be done sooner than you think.
Question: I love barbeque sauce. I’m addicted. I put it on everything I eat. But now my wife is complaining about being sticky, and she’s starting to attract bees. So, in your opinion, should I invest in fixed or variable rate bonds?
Question: I have never tried alcohol before and I am turning legal drinking age tomorrow. What is the first alocoholic drink I should take, and what is the optimal amount?
I wouldn’t worry about it. The human body has a way of expelling excess aolcohol, one way or the other. So drink up! Also, if you feel you want more, you can always drive to the store again. But if it’s close to closing time, you might want to drive really fast.
Only you can answer that question for yourself. I am told by reliable sources, however, that the best way to figure this out is to drink as much and as many different types of alcohol (including rubbing alcohol, wood alcohol and ethyl alcohol) in as short a time span as you can. You can make this discovery even easier by, say, doing ten shots, then driving to the next bar/package store. To truly enhance your experience, remember that all avant garde experiments, such as this one, need to function as independent of reality as possible, which means that for the good of the people you should disregard all traffic, pedestrian and other activity.
Let us know how it goes!
For my part, I’m wondering about the most surefire way to get elected into public office in this here rural area of the south.
You need to make a lasting impact; make every effort to arrange an opportunity to expose your genitals on live national television.