Phone BUPA - they’re running an ad. on TV at the moment where a guy phones them about a really annoying mole, and he gets an appointment almost straight away to get it removed.
When this happened to me I was at an all-night party and I took a dare to drink a half-bottle of martini all at one go. I can really recommend this as a first drinking experience - I spent the rest of the night lying on the bathroom floor puking into the sunken bath.
Doesn’t really matter which - they both perform well with barbeque sauce - or you could put them on your wife’s sticky bits to keep the bees off.
Turpentine is good if you have time for it to take effect, but if you’re in a hurry, a good belt sander can take care of the problem in a couple minutes.
I recommend a massive dose of morphine injected directly into the carotid artery. If morphone is unavailable, have a friend punch small holes into your temples with an ice pick or hammer and chisel. Duct tape over the holes will prevent infection.
How do I convince my boss that I deserve a substantial raise?
Soak it in Alcohol, then to be sure you can locate it, burn the other hairs off. Once that task is accomplished scrape away at it with a razor. To insure that you don’t get an infection, soak and burn yet again.
What you need to do is remove the offending scrotum from your body so you yourself (no other person will suffice, I think) can examine it from all angles, unimpeded. Anaesthesia will only cloud your judgment and vision, so be sure you’re as sober and mentally unobstructed as possible. Take a pair of garden shears and just clip the entire sac off, testicles and all (you’ll thank me later). Then find the hair and cut the skin patch off. Sew your sac back on (you might need to be more careful re-attaching your more delicate plumbing, but if all else fails just use some duct tape) and make sure you give your nuts a few good hard squeezes each to make sure they’re properly re-attached.
There are several Toth fairies here . I don;t know who told you there’s no such thing. Do not speak to them ever again.
My question: what’s a good hangover remedy?
A little gentle work with fine tweezers should do it, but the big problem is that you can’t get close enough to see properly what you are doing; cut off your entire scrotum (being careful not to spill the contents), remove the offending hair, then reattach it with superglue.
Barge into his office and shout “Hey loser, you suck! I demand that you give me what I righfully deserve!” He’ll probably cut you check right then and there.
Remove all of your teeth. You can get this done at a dentists, or you can go into a pub down at the docks and shout “Yer all a shower of fucken pansies - come outside an’ I’ll whip yer asses” - that should guarantee tooth removal.
On the other hand, you could keep a pet mouse or gerbil in your mouth to eat the shreds of meat. Just be careful when you swallow.
This, of course, depends on how old she is going to be. Follow the simple guide below:
Mother, age 30-40: a nice new vacuum cleaner
Mother, age 41-50: a nice new sex toy
Mother, age 51-60: a nice new ceiling fan
Mother, age 61-70: a nice new box of Depends
Mother, age 71-80: a nice new room at a faraway ‘retirement community’
Mother, age 81+: nothing. She won;t remember what you gave her anyway.
Stiff neck syndrome is generally caused by stiff bones. You can loosen those bones by diving headfirst into an swimming pool that has no water in it. All better!
My question: what should I do if a wasp gets in my car while I’m driving?