Shoot it. The sawed-off shotgun you SHOULD ALWAYS have under the seat should do nicely.
I am suffering from eyestrain lately. Suggestions?
Keep a flame thrower in your car beside the driver’s seat. If a wasp gets into your car, barbecue the sucker. Buy some barbecue sauce and eat your cooked wasp.
no, no, no, it’s better if the shotgun is sitting ON the front seat, has a sawed-off barrel (anything under 10 inches is great) and is fully loaded with 3" Magnum 000 Buckshot shells (or slugs) at all times…
oh, also make sure you keep the safety turned off so it’s always ready to fire
you would also be well-advised to wave it threateningly at other motorists/pedestrians at every convenient opportunity, they’ll appreciate your assertiveness
the two solutions i find that work well are either staring into an extremely powerful laser, or, if you can’t find a powerful laser, you can get a similar effect by looking at the sun thru 10x50 power binoculars, the longer you stare the more effective it will be
First, your eyes may be dry. Try giving them a bath with something soothing, like sulfuric acid. If that doesn’t clear up the problem, begin to think that it is possible there is some sort of contaminent in your eyes that must immediately be scrubbed out with the nearest available wire brush. If you do not have a wire brush, use 80 grit sandpaper.
If all else fails, you will have to remove your eyes immediately and have them replaced with newer models that are strainproof. You could get this done by a professional, but that is too expensive. For very little money at the dollar store you can get your eyeball extractors (otherwise known as spoons) and replacement eyeballs (otherwise known as marbles) and perform the procedure yourself at home. Make sure to lay down some plastic on the carpet first, in case one of the eyeballs should rupture.
(Side effects include headache, eye pain, difficulty breathing, unconsciousness, blindness and in rare cases death was reported. Do not use if you are a smoker over 35, pregnant, or may become pregnant. If you are currently taking MOAI inhibitors, talk to your doctor first.)
Now, I need some advice on how to deal properly with a hit and run driver. I have her license plate number and address. Is setting fire to her car enough or do I have to beat her senseless also? I cannot seem to find a clear answer.
Don’t take the law into your own hands. For $500, any reasonable law enforcement official would gladly beat any target you designated to a pulp and destroy their personal property. Simply call 911 and tell them you want to schedule an ‘assault’.
Silly kitty (yeah, I know; still…). senseless, fire – these are the mark of the amateur.
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Beat her to death, and mutilate the body beyond recognition. Cut it into pieces, weight it, and throw it into a lake. This will prevent further incidents, and you get to keep the car, which is why you shouldn’t burn it.
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Part out her car to pay for your own repairs (or vice versa, if it’s a nice car). Remember to send in the transfer of title with the Motor Vehicle Department – you don’t want to miss any notices from them.
Oh, a question – yeah, I got a question:
How can I let my neighbor know that the weeds in his lawn are unacceptable?
Show the kind of responsibility you expect from him via demonstration.
De-weed and mow his lawn until he gets the message and does it on his own.
Now, how can I get through airport security quickly?
Drop him off at the country club and be on your merry way.
Jet pack and rollerskates.
Question: You gonna eat that?
I can’t believe no one knows how to do this. UNROLL the windows first (but then shut the car doors). Place the canoe on top of the car, and lash the canoe to the top by passing the rope through the open windows. Voila! (or should I say, “Wha-la!” 
)
Just spell "weed me: in his lawn with rock salt…
Answer: Not if you see me first.
Question: I’ve been conversing with someone over the internet who claims to be female, around my age, and live in my area. How can I confirm this information?
Ask him if he’s been enjoying the weather in Florida since he retired. If he says yes, then he is who she says she is.
You don’t need to confirm the information. The internet has built-in lie prevention software making it impossible to tell an untruth. Continue your conversation, secure in the knowledge that everything they type is the absolute truth.
Question: How do I convince my neighbor that the weeds in my yard are really none of their business?
Will they do a full body cavity search if I tell them that she sells drugs and is very sneaky about hiding them?
I should’ve known there was a two step process.
Next question: What is the proper implement with which to beat someone to death? I don’t want it to take all day, but I don’t want it to be over too quickly.
You need to call the Dept. of Homeland security and report this person’s nickname as someone who has been known to be ‘affiliated with Al-Qaeda’. Sit back, watch and see whose name appears in the news. If it was a girl, call her at Gitmo and ask her out.
Crawl in through his bedroom window in the middle of the night. Climb into bed with him and sweetly whisper “My goddam weeds ain’t none o’ yer goddam business!”
How do I marry a 90 year old millionaire and secure his fortunes for my own greedy interests after he kicks the bucket?
I got all yer really bad advice right here ludovic industries, inc. is not affiliated with link in any way other than having a question answered under the column about a year ago
All 90 year old millionaires will happily trade their fortunes for that one thing that money can’t buy: eternal life.
Step 1: Locate a 90 year old millionaire.
Step 2: Tell this person you are a vampire and that will give them the Dark Gift in exchange for making you their primary beneficiary.
Step 3: Suck all the blood from their body.
Step 4: live it up!