I’d be very surprised if you had, as I am not aware of one that exists. I was thinking, if you are over 30, you probably slow danced to Stairway to Heaven with your sweetie in the gym at sock hops. It’s a Led Zeppelin song, possibly tangentially connected to more de-flowerings than any other in my age bracket.
But drifting back slowly in the direction of the actual topic, I have just dispensed useless trivia in a Dope thread. What should I do next?
Document it on your time-sheet.
I just realized that I’ve left a boxed lunch in the fridge upstairs for more than a week. What should I do?
In this case you should either whine annoyingly all afternoon about how you don’t have an umbrella and need a ride home to your co-workers or call friends and whine annoyingly about how you don’t have an umbrella and need a ride to where you’re going. I’m sure somebody will oblige.
The clock on my stove, the clock on my microwave and the clock on my coffeemaker all show different times. How can I fix this? Is it my neighbors sneaking in my house and setting them all to different times like I suspect. If so, what can I do about it?
It’s fine. Just nuke it a couple of extra minutes in the microwave. Don’t even bother checking the box for metal. Nobody ever puts little foil condiment packages or wraps sammiches in aluminum foil. I say set the microwave to full power, and at least 10 minutes or so. Then wander away, leaving the area for at least 30 minutes. You’ll want the sammich to cool off a little, and your coworkers will really appreciate you helping with their diets by occupying the microwave for the whole lunch period.
Umbrellas are for women and Frenchmen, so yes.
I got really drunk last night and had a three-way with Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin. (Well, during the middle part I was just watching.) Pictures were taken and are in my possession. What should I do?
Clearly, suicide is the only option. There’s no way you could sell those pictures for profit between now and November 2012, and you already know what happens that December. Sorry man, I’ll miss ya.
Get rid of your stove and your microwave. With only one clock to consult, all confusion should abate.
Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. Which one probably has better dining service? Or should I just take a bus?
You should drive. On the railroad tracks. Wear headphones, too, because you don’t want noises from any trains to bother you.
Buses are for Welshmen. Go to the zoo, climb into the polar bear enclosure, and approach whichever bruin looks drunkest. That is Iorek Byrnison. If you promise to help him get back his armor he will carry you wherever you need to go as fast as any car. You will not have to worry about parking, as you are riding a freaking polar bear.
What should I make for dinner?
Sorry about that. I figured that since it was in the “REALLY, really bad advice” thread that it wasn’t a big deal.
Only if you’re wearing a white T-shirt or tank top. Discard the bra.
Sell the pictures. You’ll be a millionaire tomorrow. (This is actually good advice).
Drugs. Which is what I did while everyone else was at the sock hops. How get some fire on those Nazis like I told you to.
No. Flag down a stranger and ask for a ride. Try to pick one who looks nervous and show a lot of cleavage. He may not want to go out of his way due to the price of gas but strangers like cake - so promise him a party he’ll never forget.
My six year old keeps getting into my guns; the little bastard has perfectly good guns of his own. How can I teach him to keep his hands on his own toys?
write your name plus “do not eat” on it, someone will steal it and solve the problem for you.
Have a family friend wear a lab coat and a stethoscope, and have him come over and look into your son’s ear’s and eyes. Tell your son that he’s so disobedient that you are checking to see if he is really your flesh and blood. If not, you’re going to send him to a Mexican orphanage.
Then, take him to a shopping center, and hide. Wait until he starts crying, then appear and say, “Oh, I thought the Mexicans would come for you today…I guess I’ll keep you a little longer.” Keep threatening him with Mexicans. With any luck, he’ll stay scared until around 15 or when he registers with the Republican party.
My cat keeps bringing home dead mice. What should I do?
Hand him one of your guns. Tell him that if he’s a real man, he’d have no problem killing his old man in cold blood. If he cries and says he doesn’t want to do it, beat him to within an inch of his life.
If, however, he *does *pull the trigger, he will find out that there is no ammo in gun. Then you scream “How dare you even **THINK **of doing that to your own father?” Then, proceed to beat him to within an inch of his life.
Somebody keeps sending text messages to my landline, and it’s ticking me off. I know exactly who it is and I don’t care for him much. How do I best exact my revenge?
Tie the tails of two of them together for mouse-nunchuckas, or four of them to make a mouse-bolo, or 9 of them to the end of a stick for the ultimate of irony: the cat o’ nine tails…OF MICE.
It’s quite simple actually. From a payphone, call the police’s anonymous tip line and tell them you know that person is a child molester. The police are required to investigate and will probably put them in jail for a few weeks/months/years. Make sure they check the person’s hard drive too. It’s almost guaranteed to have a picture of a kid in underwear or something, probably from a banner ad for Sears or The Gap. That person will probably spend tens of thousands of dollars clearing their name and still end up on the national registry of sex offenders, thus ruining their lives forever.
I would also recommend this for rude waitresses, people who chew with their mouths open, or people who talk too loudly on their phone in public…it’s a fun way to teach manners!
Pay…phone. Child…mo-less-tore…
Wait. This is bad advice??
Get Married.