Break out the grill and the Heinz 57 sauce. In this economy its like having a key to the meatlocker.
Have I mentioned lately that crossbows have gotten really cheap and are easy to use? I did? O-kay then - if that seems a little much just nail their pet (or someone else’s) to their front door.
My boss wants me to work overtime but I have plans - what should I do?
Say “I have plans.” If your boss asks what, say “It’s the annual meeting of my Chld Sacrificing Cult. Say, what’s your kid doing tonight?”
I recently fell downstairs, and now it looks like my wristbone is about two inches below my wrist. Should I see a doctor?
Doctors are for sissies. Go to a bar, find some guy wholooks like he was recently rude to his wife, and punch him in the face. If you do it hard enough it will shove your bones back into position.
*I’m an executive with–well, never mind the name of the company. A few months back, due a freak accident that was notally not our fault, we cause dsome slight inconvenience in the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve just come across a fund of approximately $45 billion the boss had budgeted to spend on hookerbots. Should I tell anyone? *
You should email your boss and let him know that unless he splits it with you, you’ll turn him in to the Federalis. Make sure you CC a bunch of people in case he tries to back out of the deal later. Here’s a list of the people I’d keep in the loop: Dog the Bounty Hunter, Anderson Cooper, the Bush daughters, and the one guy from Craigslist who says it OK to send him advertistments.
Does anyone know where I could get a lot of blood, no questions asked? It’s for a book…
Since it’s for a book, you can’t do better than refer back to classic 19th century horror stories. Wait for a dark, foggy night, hike down to the docks or slums, grab a few derelicts and/or prostitutes and bleed them out. It’s better if you’re in London, but almost any large city will do.
Two well-dressed young people are standing at my door, holding what appear to be a packet of religious books and pamphlets. I think it’s rude to not answer the door. What should I do? And what do I do with my large, foul-tempered dog.
Yes – but be different from the herd – see a Doctor of Anthropology. What the heck, a bone is a bone.
If you can’t transfer the funds to your name, you may as well. I would suggest FOX news.
Call your local Mormon Temple and ask them. Just remember that “missionaries” is the code word in their faith for “blood donor”.
Get naked, cover yourself in blood, and say “I thought you were never going to get here!”
I think I smell gas in the basement - how can I check it out safely?
Breakfast Of Champions. 
I just came to work drunk on whiskey. Should I have some chocolate?
As the young people from kunilou’s door to do it for you. Two birds, one stone.
*I was walking through the park the other day, and bumped into Chuck Norris. Literally bumped: I was listening to music on my Ipod and we collided and I spilled my latte all over myself. He apologized and bought me a new coffee, but I’m still pissed as my favorite shirt got stained. He’s in this park every day. Should I call him an asshole the next time I see him, or just punch him in the beard?
ETA: Need answer fast! I just saw him over by the lake having sex with the entire female cast of The Hills.
*
Call him an asshole, punch him out, and then take his place with the cast!
I have last week’s winning lottery tivket, but I’m also wanted for murder. It’s a $2.5 million dollar payout. How do I collect with being put in jail?
Ask a cop to go collect on your payout, and promise him $5K if he keeps it quiet. Cops are notoriously underpaid and will sell their own mother for that much money, leaving you a cool $2,495,000 profit.
I’m thirsty. What should I do?
I recently heard from Navajo indians that jalapeno juice has special nutrients that neutralize your need for water. Apparently, they used it when they had to go on vision quests or line up at the BIA. And for only 3 easy payments of 19.99, they’ll send you two bottles for the price of 1.75 bottles!
They assured me (through the tv) that they were real Navajo. I’m sure that wise, ancient people must know more than modern science simply because I’ve never heard of them before.
I want to give bad advice, but I don’t have a question. Help me?
Wanting to give bad advice, but not needing any advice yourself, means that you are perfectly suited to be a newspaper advice columnist. As it’s a highly competitive field, I recommend locating a current advice columnist (such as Jeanne Phillips, who took over her mother’s “Dear Abby” column a while back), and kidnap her. Then, write to the newspaper where she works, tell them that you’ve heard they need a new advice columnist, and apply for the job.
My cat is very playful, but, sometimes, when we’re playing, he gets too aggressive, and scratches or bites me. What can I do to break him of this habit?
Here you go. If that one doesn’t work, clearly they’re anti-linguist heathens, and you’ll need an excommunication. Talk to your local priest.
Show him you are the dominant one. Bite back!
My new MacBook Pro has this ugly wet patch inside the LCD (not on the LCD). The tech people refuses to take it back saying it’s a cosmetic issue and not under warranty. What shall I do?
Republicans are very popular these days so consider asking how we can arrange things to elect GW again and have him fix this mess Obama created.
How can I dispose of some old drugs I found?
Take them, you idiot.
I’m on probation, just did some drugs, and now have to take a drug test. Need Answer Fast!
A co-worker just tossed some grocery-store angel food cake(with a big slice cut out) onto the break room table at my office and said: “Here. It’s some angle food cake. I don’t know if it’s any good or not.”
I haven’t had breakfast yet. Should I eat some? Whoever ate the slice knows if it’s good or not…
Get some clean urine, store it in a rubber dong, and heat it in the microwave at your nearest 7-11 or similar store. Unless you work around Pittsburgh.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14838641/
Eating is another of those herd instinct things. Become a breatharian.
Hunger is irrelevant. This is about territory. Immediately spit all over it and make sure the entire office knows it’s been “marked.” You might wish to pee on it to make a statement about your alpha status. As a final touch, I would leave a handful of bullets next to it.
My tummy hurts. 