The Rules of the Rules of the Game: Should You Win Games on Dates?

In My Humble Opinion
1

There’s this young woman I know. We see each other occasionally. We’re not dating. (At least I say we’re not. She says we’re not. One of those things.) Nevertheless, over a game of Scrabble™, a situation arose where I ended up winning by a narrow margin, and I began to wonder. I asked around a bit and the results were mixed.

When I play games, in general, I try to win them. (I’m a man.) I feel that “letting the other person win” is artificial, no matter what gender the opponent is. I congratulate the other person on good plays, lucky shots, near misses, good scores, whatever. If I win, I try not to rub it in or gloat; if I lose, I try not to pout.

It never occurred to me before that there’s a whole set of rules for playing games on dates, though, so I’m putting it to the Dopers out there. (The scenarios are phrased as for a het relationship, but other input is welcome. I just don’t know how to phrase the scenarios.)

Men, do you try to win games from your date? Do you like it when she tries hard to beat you, or when she shows a competitive streak? Do you get mad when your date beats you in a game? Does it make a difference if the game is intellectual (such as Scrabble), random (like cards), or physical (like mini golf)? Would you prefer to to win, or would you rather make sure you both have a good time?

Ladies, how important is it to you that the man tries fairly to win? How do you look at competitive events like games and cards on dates? Do you let him win? Do you look for him to try, and does it tell you anything (good or bad) if he’s obviously stooping to let you keep up? What if you’re just much better at it than he, and he’s angry because you’re ahead?

Seriously, how important are games on dates?

I don’t mind playing games on dates, but no matter who I’m playing with—friend or stranger, familiar game or new—I have one guideline. A close, fair game is fun no matter who wins. I get frustrated playing new games that I don’t know well (and can’t win); I get upset when I’m beat up in a game I don’t like or can’t play well. I feel guilty playing a game at which I excel but my date doesn’t. I get upset if I win if I win by a landslide over someone who was outclassed. But I don’t mind losing if I feel I’ve put in a good effort or came close or kept up.

What are the rules about playing games with the opposite sex, huh?

2

Rules? Like pretend you are somebody whom you aren’t? Isn’t that, eh, lying?

3

win if you can but don’t be overly aggressive.
No one will respect you if they think you are purposely losing, and in fact they may just think you are incompetent.

4

Oh, no, no. Not The Rules, gag. I mean the sort-of-unwritten-rules of dating.

I already said that I play games the same way, no matter who I’m playing against. I don’t put on a “I’m playing against a girl” game face. I find it completely artificial.

However, one person I spoke to was of the opinion that she’d let the guy win the game, because, says she, “guys like that.” However, she’d lose respect for him if he let her win, which seems like a double standard to me, but whatever. I guess it’s kinda like playing golf with a business client.

I was wondering if any Dopers paid particular attention to how their dates played games against them. Does that make sense?

Like, if a guy lets his date win and tells her that he let her win, my friend said he’s desperate. If he lets her win and doesn’t say so, then he’s merely “cute.” You know.

Maybe I’m making no sense here. It’s happened before. :stuck_out_tongue:

5

OK I’ll bite.

I’m a games player, but generally not with my SO’s. Not that I would not want to, just that I interact with different groups of friends in different areas of my life.

My insight into your OP is back from when one of my game playing friends was going out with someone who joined. It seemed to work for most of the non-military multiplayer games we tried - 1824, Railway Rivals, family boardgames - but when it came to cames which required you to stab each other in the back - Diplomacy, Junta, Kingmaker - it seemed to get personal. She took umbrage at being stabbed by her boyfriend to the extent it became a weapon against him from the other players (“Hell, you are only stabbing me because you know you’ll get it in the neck if you stab the obvious target - (her)”). It ended up with her being stabbed probably more than the norm just to prove us wrong… :smiley:

I play the game straight irrespective of my opponent - and would hate to throw or be thrown a game. I will sometimes take a risk to “make it more exciting” when there is a sure but dull way to win but not as a way of throwing the game. I’m there for the enjoyment not to win, but the enjoyment is all in a good contest. Crushing a weak opponent is no fun, unless both sides use it as a learning exercise for another crack at it.

There simply are not that many female gamers compared to male so there must be something about that activity that appeals especially to the male mind. Not just super competitiveness I suspect, but more our being happy engaging in a total pointless activity and taking it so seriously!

6

If you play multiple games, DO NOT kick her ass every time. Goes for girls, too, actually. It’s mean.

Let’s say you go bowling. Play 4 games. If you win every game, no good. Even if the other person’s bad, try to let them win one game.

But if it’s just one game, have fun. It’s those multiple games that get tricky.

7

I don’t think letting the other person win is going to be very helpful – they’ll realize it, which causes as many problems as winning all the time.

The key is how you win: don’t try to squeeze out every point (especially if you’re way ahead), don’t gloat, and make it clear that you’re less interesting in the winning than in the playing and the company. Also, let the loser suggest you play again.

8

I liken it to the All Star Game in baseball. You want a well played game with both sides trying to win, but it’s still just for fun.

You don’t want the tie game that happened a couple of years back because the managers wanted everyone to play. Manage and play the game to win.

You also don’t want Pete Rose running over Ray Fosse, fracturing his shoulder, and potentially ruining a promising career.

Animist, I disagree. I’m a bowler, and have about a 165 average, if my SO isn’t a bowler and can barely manage 100, I’m not gonna go and throw a bunch of gutters just to let her win. I would consider that insulting her, rather than being nice. In that case, I wouldn’t really consider it bowling against her as much as bowling with her.

9

Good example. It’s not whether or not you win, it’s HOW you win. If you’re a mature adult and winning is just an incidental result of the game ending, it shouldn’t be an issue at all. Some people are just bad losers even against a gracious winner, but they’re dolts and you don’t want to date them anyway.

Allow me to illustrate what you should do, and what you should not do:

Good:
“Well, we’re out of letters - let’s see, I have 241 points, you have 206. Wow, close game! That was really fun! Wanna play again, or shall I fix you a drink and we can move over to the couch?”

Bad:
“Okay, let’s see… I have 241 points, you have… 206! Oh YEAHHHHHHHHHH! In your FACE! I am the Scrabble Master! The Scrabble King! The EMPEROR of Scrabble! I am Lord Triplewordscore the Third of Scrabbletopia, master of all the tiles I survey, supreme ruler of Q’s and Z’s, and you are a lowly peon of two letter words! I slapped down your second grade words! Your vowels were my BIZZATCHES! BOO-YAH! BOO-YAH! How does it feel? How does it FEEL? L-O-S-E… hey, where are you going?”

10

If my SO ever thought I was throwing a game so she could win, she would kill me! Play hard, play fair, don’t gloat. You are a guy, and she will understand the drive to win.

Cheesesteak said it best…think of it as playing with her, not against her.

11

I am of the opinion that, whatever the game is, you should win at least one game on a date, provided you’re playing more than one. The reason? You will want to see what his/her reaction is to losing. My ex-wife hated to lose at anything, even Scrabble, and threw fits when she did. I should have taken that as a sign, but, stupidly, I ignored it.

It now reminds me of the old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin loses to Hobbes at chess. Calvin throws a conniption, throwing the board and running around in circles until he collapses in exhaustion. Hobbes tries to console him by saying, “It’s only a game.” Calvin replies, “I know, you should see when I lose in real life.” You do *not want to be dating someone like that.

12

I like the OP’s guideline:

My partner and I have an even split: I win at cards embarassingly often, and he kicks my ass in sports. We’re both okay with that but we know each other pretty well. I actually find his freakish ability at sports to be a big turn-on, because (a) I have no personal interest in winning at sports and (b) he can beat my cocky, competitive friends and family, so I get to see them taken down a notch without ever removing my ass from the couch !

I myself would be insulted if someone let me win. Did he not think I could win on my own? Also, perhaps he didn’t let me, he just lost fair and square and doesn’t want to admit it.

Men: If you’re clearly much better than her, either don’t play (I know I will never play, say, basketball, with my husband because it would be a waste of time for both of us), or focus more on fun than winning, since you’re going to win anyway. If you’re not clearly much better, than you can have a fun, evenly-matched game, no?

Plus, there are lots of sports/games you can play with people of a diverse range of abilities. Non-competitive me and my competitive friends play enormous amounts of beach volleyball, and Trivial Pursuit (only, ever, with the group divided into two teams), and Risk-with-mission-cards, and it’s fun for everyone.

RickJay: I like your advice. You speak as if from experience …

13

Damn coding! (throws keyboard to the ground, runs around in circles)

14

Bleah. I’ve had so much trouble with this one because, not to toot my own horn, but when it comes to games, I pretty much always come out on top no matter what it is.

Probably no game is more deserving of this question than pool. I love pool and I play it well. It’s a fun game no matter if you’re male or female. And it’s a great date game because you don’t have to constantly be thinking of things to talk about in order to break uncomfortable silences. In my experience, though, I’ve always won with authority and have felt bad about it. To counter this, I watch the face of my date. If I get any indication that she’s bored or not having fun, I drop my cue and say, “Hey, are you hungry? Let’s get out of here.” Not only are you relieving her uncomfortable situation, but she’ll be impressed with your ability to read her feelings.

However, when it comes to Monopoly®, it’s no holds barred. I do my best to win and I don’t feel bad about it. And I expect the same from her. Monopoly® is a game based on greed, and what’s the point of playing if you’re not being greedy?

Bottom line, try to win, but look out for signals that she’s not having fun. And a message to the ladies: It’s very attractive to us guys when you are competitive and try to win. And please don’t pretend you’re having fun if you’re not. The right guy will care more that you are enjoying yourself than trying to win a stupid game.

  • Adam
    Monopoly is a registered trademark of Parker Brothers Corp. All rights reserved.
15

I relish my occasional wins in Jeopardy and Connect-4. She isn’t easy to beat and I like to fancy myself as a worthwhile opponent.

16

Boy, if you ever want to run the gamut of good answers, ask the Straight Dope Message Board. :cool:

A lot of people have great insight on how to date someone who is already your SO. What about someone you’re still in the process of meeting/dating? I think I was looking for answers more along the line of Duke’s, though, where he notes that it’s a good idea to see how your date responds to losing.

I’m not sure how to explain it, really. I know that I enjoyed playing Scrabble with this young woman-I’m-not-dating because I was able to see how well she could put together good words. (Of course, she wrote for a newspaper, but it was still fun to observe her.) She offered advice on how to get rid of difficult letters, which suggested to me that she wasn’t so terribly cutthroat that she wouldn’t help her opponent. And she didn’t kick or scream at the idea of losing by a few points that I got pretty much at the last minute.

Is there anything you sort of watch for when you play games with someone? What does a person’s gaming style tell you about his character, and what do you pay attention to? I realize that whole books have probably been written about the art of gaming, but I’ve just recently begun thinking about how gaming applies to first-and-second dates. S’nothin much, really, just thinking about it.

17

If I thought a potential SO was letting me win games, I’d drop his sorry butt. I don’t like to be patronized.

I like gracious winners and good losers. Someone who whether they win or lose will turn to me and say “Good game” at the end. Someone who knows that games are just for fun, not something to get all kerfuffled over.

18

I met my less-than-a-month-away!-soon-to-be-husband by asking him to shoot some pool. Where he proceeded to kick my ass! And that was a good thing. On subsequent dates, he must have been having a bad day, because I beat him fairly soundly. I thought he was losing on purpose! He swears he would never do that, and I am WAY too competitive to throw a game. We’re pretty equally matched, as it turns out.

Please, never let someone win! It never feels true.

19

I think it’s kind of dishonest to lose on purpose. However, to me it’s not all that enjoyable to play a game (for fun) where two people are unevenly matched. It gets old for either side after a while. If you want to cut someone some slack because they’re not doing all that well, that’s ok. In that situation, I’d say finding another game or something else to do would be most favorable.

20

My opinion, for whatever it’s worth:

I don’t like anyone to throw the game for me, and I’m still having fun when you win, as long as you’re not gloating or going out of your way to crush me. Then again, if you are so much better that I don’t have a hope of competing, then it becomes less fun.

If you won Scrabble by a narrow margin, you offer another game, as you’re pretty fairly matched.

If you squashed her like a bug, it’d be good form to say something like, ‘Wow, that was fun. You want to try a different game? I’ve got Monopoly, too.’