From the first games I played with you, you kind of pissed me off. Twice, you accused me of cheating when I’d made an honest mistake, which is pretty fucking rude, but more to the point, it’s my experience that it’s the cheaters who suspect everybody else of cheating and watch them like hawks. So if there’s one guy who’s always accusing people of cheating, he’s probably a cheater.
Okay, so I avoided playing with you, but in a small games club like ours, from time to time, there’s nothing else going on. It’d be pretty rude of me to turn down your game when I’m obviously looking for something to do.
So I’ve gritted my teeth and played a few games with you from time to time–until you pissed me off again by accusing my husband and helping my me, “because she’s your wife.” Christ, man, you’ve played with us before, and you should have noticed that we’re quite competitive with each other, and we never pull punches. We play to win, and we play fair and square–but I don’t know if you’re even capable of recognizing fair play when you see it.
So I said to myself, that’s it, I’m not ever playing with this dick again, because he thinks I’m a cheater–most likely because he’s just a dishonest cheating bastard himself and he projects the same slimy motives onto everyone else.
So, at that meeting, even though turnout was sparse, what with most people out of town for Christmas, and even though everyone was cajoling me to come play, I probably should have politely declined and found some way to amuse myself quietly, either until somebody else showed up, or until the hubby was finished with his card game and ready to go home.
But, I was there to game, and this was the only game in town, so, against my better judgement, I sat down. Two of us had never played the game before, and it was quite complicated and the rules weren’t explained to us in detail so we were pretty lost at the start–which is perfectly alright in a friendly game. I was happy to learn the rules as I went along, because it was a friendly game and it didn’t matter much who won as long as everyone fun. I just forgot that you, sir, are incabable of playing a friendly game because you have the all the personality of a slime-dwelling maggot.
I ended up in a battle with the other novice player, and he made a stategic error because he didn’t understand the rules, and, as it stood, I was going to win that battle. I was happy to let him take it back, but the more experienced players were a bit impatient. They were urging him to just accept the loss as a learning experience and keep the game going. Then, you, sir, trotted out the following steaming nugget of wisdom:
“Yeah, just let the girl win. That’s the rule.”
"WHAT!?!"
That’s all I could say.
The other players were taken aback as well. After looking back and forth from him to me, one guy (trying to break the tension, I guess) said, “You know, Pod, if you want to hit him, I’ll look the other way.”
Well, although it would make a more colorful rant if I did, or even if I wanted to, I rarely have violent urges, even when I am severely pissed off. I’m not really very confrontational. I didn’t even leave the game. Just played it out.
Buddy-boy, I don’t know if you have some sort of deep-seated problem with women, and the crap you’ve given me in the past actually stems from the fact that you can’t handle losing to a girl. I don’t know if you thought you were being funny. Whatever motivated you to say what you said, it is truly fucking pitiful that you lack the wisdom to recognize the inappropriateness of your words, and that you lacked the restraint to keep your drooling, foul-smelling trap shut.
Games club is wall-to-wall geeks. The rules of social intercourse are lax, to say the least. And yet, in the land of the unwashed, the ungraceful, and the uncouth, you, sir, have managed to distinguish yourself as a complete and utter asshole.
If you were the last man on Earth, and I was the last woman, and no work of man had survived except for a motherfucking Parcheesi set, then, sir, never again (it goes without saying) would the face of the Earth know the laughter of children, and never again, sir, would dice be cast or tokens moved. Never again, sir, would two heads bow over a board in the spirit of friendly competition. I would undertake a journey of weeks that I might cast the board and the dice and the tokens into the mouth of a flaming volcano, lest I ever be tempted to sit across the gaming table from you again.
You can cram your copy of Elfenland up your ass sideways, for all I care, because I’m never going to play a game with you again–and I’m not going to mince around to avoid hurting your feelings about it, either. I’ve had it with your crap.
