If you’re fairly evenly matched, then play fair and clean, and be gracious, regardless of the outcome of the game. If you’re very, very unevenly matched, don’t play the damn game at all, unless the better player is actively trying to help the other person get better. Mockery and “talking trash” to someone who is just learning a game you excel at is mean-spirited and unattractive in the extreme. (Doing a dance followed by a victory lap around the table when you beat someone who has never played before will result in that person refusing to ever play that game or anything similar with you ever again. Ask my husband if you don’t believe me.) Constantly losing by a huge, huge margin is boring as hell.
I’ve always believed it was good form for the winner to ask the loser what they would like to do now. Leave it totally open-ended. If the game was pretty close, or the other person is up for another trouncing, they can suggest playing again. They can also suggest anything else without having to say, “No, I’d rather not get my ass kicked again, thanks.”
My attitude towards games is expressed by the saying, “If you’re not there to cut the other person’s heart out and eat it, you shouldn’t even sit down at the table.”
I like to win. I play to win. I would be deeply offended by anyone who allowed me to win, despite whatever good intentions he may have. However, the only time I become really upset is when someone will only play the games they’re good at without respect for my skills or abilities.
Pool is a good example. I am terrible at pool, but if my SO wanted to play, I would make an effort to do as well as I could in the hope it would make it a more enjoyable experience for him. But, if he refuses to play the games I do well at in return, then we are going to have a problem.
If it’s someone you’ve just started dating (or want to start dating), I would say don’t deliberately lose, but don’t take it more seriously than they do. If you’re (e.g.) bowling and they’re obviously not too concerned with the points, you’ll probably come across better if you just play around too than if you’re wrapped up in breaking 220. At the same time, if you’re playing Scrabble with someone who obviously plays pretty often, don’t hold back. Winning itself isn’t a problem (as long as you’re not a dick about it), but getting super competitive about something the other person doesn’t really care about isn’t much fun.
This is exactly why I don’t play any games with my husband anymore. if he wins, that’s how he reacts, I swear to god, almost word for word. And when he loses…well…I wouldn’t say he sulks, because that’s far too weak a word.
I love him anyway, but yeah, this sort of reaction definitely leaves a bad taste in my mouth and sucks the joy out of the whole night.
Interesting timing on this question. You see, I’ve been enjoying the company of a fellow I met at a monthly Games Night, and the next one’s tomorrow night. I’m extremely competitive at any kind of game or sport. I don’t have to win, but I will play as well as I can and try my hardest to win. It’s part of who I am and, to judge by my mother’s side of the family, it appears to be hard-wired in. If I suspected a fellow who was interested in me was “letting me win”, I would be offended. First of all, I’d be bothered by the assumption that I couldn’t beat him honestly (contests involving raw, physical strength excepted). Second, I’d be frustrated by not getting the opportunity to learn. Third, I find it a generally jerkish and condescending thing to do. If a fellow couldn’t handle me winning a game, that would also be off putting. I play cards and board games well, and doing so gives me great pleasure. I’m not out to prove my superiority; I just enjoy competition. I’m a feminist, and I consider myself equal to most people out there. I’m also lousy at playing social games and pretending to be who I’m not. This is part of me. If a fellow can’t deal with it, we’re both better off if he decides not to deal with me. Besides, you think I’m tough, you should see my mother! :eek:
As for the fellow at Games Night, having played a few games of Double-Deck Cancellation, Go Fish, Guts Hearts with him, not to mention a few other card and board games, I can say he plays skillfully with the apropriate amount of brutal enlightened self-interest. This is a good thing! In light of some of the cards we’ve passed each other, I can also say that we have screwed each other, in front of witnesses, no less, and I do believe it was good for both of us!
I’m no good at playing the helpless female role. If you play a board or card game with me, I’d much rather play well and have fun than worry about what you’ll think of me if I play a card that results in you taking both Queens of Spades or if I should take both Queens to stay in your good graces. Besides, if I don’t have to think of stuff like that, I have more brain cells free for thinking up double, triple, and quadruple entendres!
I get pretty irritated if I find out someone let me win something. That said, I get just as irritated if people get insanely over-competetive and mean about it.
So go ahead and try to win, just don’t be a jerk in the process.
Wow, it’s pretty heavily skewed in one direction. I say again, wow.
Everyone here seems pretty much agreed that The Date shouldn’t throw the game to let you win. I guess that means nobody here would ever throw the game for The Date, either? Maybe the person I talked to just has self-esteem issues when she said she’d let the guy win because it’d make him happy.
Could be that she has self-esteem issues, but it’s likely that she doesn’t really care about winning at all; in fact, I think if a person cared too much about winning, then you could say that was an issue of self-esteem.
Since she’s willing to let the other person win, she probably considers his happiness more important (or maybe the peace if he’s unecessarily unhappy with losing) than winning. Or, possibly, she’s one of those people who simply feels that playing the game is fun and it doesn’t matter who wins.
I will say that auntie em kicked my butt in Scrabble on one of our first dates. Apparently (although I’m trying to forget it in my advanced age) I still owe her a strip-tease for that loss.
[sub]And no, according to her, “Nyah! Nyah! I’m not gonna strip!” doesn’t count as a tease. That’s more of a taunt, she says.[/sub]
I think the only game i’ve ever played on a date is pool, and while i have certainly been beaten before, i don’t think i’ve ever let anyone win a game on purpose. Although, if i’m winning comfortably, i often use the opportunity to try low-percentage or risky shots that i may not normally take. If they come off, i look like a genius, and if they don’t it just makes the game closer.
The x-factor in playing pool is that my form varies so wildly that i can never predict how i’m going to play. One night, i might have trouble even hitting a ball, and another night i might almost clear the table every time i have a turn. And, in case you’re wondering, this pattern seems to be completely random, and not at all related to how much i’ve had to drink.
I don’t think i’ve ever played board games (Scrabble; Trivial Pursuit, etc.) with a date, but i’m pretty sure that i’d be too competitive to ever let my date win. Also, i prefer to hang out with women who are smart anyway, so there’s every chance that she’d kick my ass and that throwing the game wouldn’t even be necessary.
These are my recommendations. Start with games that have a significant luck component to get to know your date. Monopoly would be good, because there’s enough luck involved that if it’s a trouncing you can give the credit to luck, but it also gives you a chance to see how much competitive spirit your date has. A pure luck game like Candyland or War wouldn’t do that. Also keep in mind general things you know about them. Do they write for a living? Do you know they suck at or hate math? Then you can move on to propose strategy games where you are fairly equally matched. If your date is truly non-competitive, though, maybe games won’t be a regular activity for you.
An occasional exception to the “play to win” rule might be when you are playing games in groups–not just the 2 of you. Your new date may be a lot more concerned about how they are fitting in with the group than how the game actually gets played. Here it might be appropriate to adjust the house rules so that your date compares favorably with the other players. I occasionally found myself in groups of regular pool players, and just wanted the evening to end without memorable humiliation.
I’d say play to win, but try not to play any games where you are much better than your date, giving him/her virtually no chance of winning. Once or twice might be fine, but not repeatedly at least. It’s no fun for your date, and it will bug them a lot if you are constantly asking to play. I had a boyfriend like that once. I like him, but he always wanted to play this one game that I had no chance of beating him at. We mostly stayed in touch by phone, limiting the number of games we actually could play, but he never got the hint that I would rather just /talk/.
I’ve found this to be true for me, too. I’ve dated guys who couldn’t stand losing. In one case, a date became angry with me for winning a game of pinball against him and his friends. I kept winning, and it wasn’t fun anymore. Pretty much serves as an analogy for our relationship.
As far as winning at something, I usually win at cards and bowling. If the play seems pretty one sided, I’ll try to find something the other person is better at and give it a go. It’s a win for me, too. Since I see it as a chance to learn a new game, or brush up on skills. It’s also an excuse for another date.
I wouldn’t purposely let a date win, because it’s not something I’d want them to do for me. I’ve had my butt handed to me playing pool on a regular basis by a particular friend, I have never won a game against him. I have however, gotten much better at pool and still managed to have fun in the interim.
This coming from a completely uncompetitive male; I play a game to have fun, if I win it’s a bonus but I don’t care if I don’t
It depends on what game I’m playing; if it’s ten-pin bowling then I’m simply not good enough to decide whether I win or not so I just play to get as many points as possible and if I win that’s a bonus. But if it’s pool then I’m quite good but I don’t want to destroy my date so I go for difficult pots, leave balls over the pockets instead of potting them, never play a snooker, etc. Oh, and I have been known to pot the white after the black " :smack: Oops, how did that happen? You won that game".
Personally I think pool falls into a different category. First of all it’s done in front of people, and totally smoking somebody is going to be embarrasing for them. I bet I’ve thrown hundreds of pool games in my life, both on a date, in a pick-up manuever and more commonly as a wingman.
On a good pool day I can usually clear the table on my first or second turn. It just kind of leads to an uncomfortable “um good game”. Plus it ends the game in under three minutes and totally counteracts the point of using the game to sociallize in the first place. I hit wild shots, shots that just miss, miscues, etc. just to keep the game evenly matched, and try to split the winning. It just works better than playing full bore out to win.
The funny thing is, I’m very competitive. I really hate to lose games by a large margin—it makes my forehead hot and my guts twist up. I have no idea why I react this way. However, since I hate to hate losing more than I hate losing itself, I do my best to make sure the game is fun and interactive for the other person, because I’d want it the same way for me.
I remember another young woman (that I’m not sure if I was officially “dating” or not) that taught me a card game that involved flipping over cards in a pile, and if a certain card or type of card came up, you had to slap it with your hand in order to… to… do something. I don’t recall now.
Obviously since she had played this game from birth with her sister, I had no chance to win, because she could identify the “good” cards faster than I—I was still trying to remember which ones I wanted and which I didn’t. I lost tremendously at this game and got extremely frustrated. I wasn’t having fun and I wasn’t getting better at the game, so I asked that we stop playing. The young woman said, “I played your game” —cribbage— “so why don’t you play this one? Do you only play games that you win?”
I replied no, I only play games that I can win, and I’ve got no chance to win this game. I haven’t got a single card, at this point, what the hell is the point of continuing?
I wonder now if there was more to that than met the eye. But since I know myself to be competitive, I try to quash that reaction and play fairly for maximum fun.
