I don’t know about dating a magician. They kina creep me out. Always making things disappear and cutting things in half. I’d go out with David Copperfield though… he may be kind of creepy but he’s loaded!
So, Tiggeril, when are you and xizor gonna get married?
I can be the sane, rational pscyhologist, who spends time trying unsuccessfully to help all the loons on the show, when I’m not asleep dreaming about running an inn in Vermont.
: xizor walks in, wearing tails & a tophat, audience goes “wooooooooooooooooo”
main character: Hey, who called in the monopoly game guy?
[laugh track]
xizor: Let’s get this marraige out of the way, I’m ready for the honeymoon!
I want to be the recurring character of one of the other character’s teenage daughter, who is a cross between a throwback to the 60’s and 70’s and a goth, and always has something snippy to say to everyone, and is constantly involved in some outrageous plot.
I want to be the sarcastic and flip child actor that they bring in during the 6th season when ratings start to drop. I will be addicted to cocaine in 3 years, and will be the focus of a TV special.
I volunteer to be the klutzy law clerk from a downtown office, who always manages to stumble onto other people at the worst possible time (for them, not me :D). You may take it from there. 
Okay folks, copy and paste into dialogue where appropriate.
If you need me, I’ll be the non-speaking extra in the back of the every cafe/bar/restaurant/court room/bowling alley/etc. scene, reading a book.
[applause]
<general applause>
<vociferous applause>
<applause w/ cheering>
<applause w/ cheering, various hoots and other noises>
[laugh tracks]
<giggles>
<smattering of chuckles>
<laughs>
<hysterical laughter>
<out-of-control laughter, including one person who sounds like a barking sea lion>
(always one of these people in every audience)
[other audience noises]
<angry murmurs>
(entrance of main characters’ rival/evil character)
<whoooooooooooooooooooa>
(appropriate for when otherwise drab character appears in skintight but well-defining evening outfit.)
<whoooooooooooooooooooa with hooting>
(alternate for above, depending on extent of character’s transformation)
<aaaaaaaahhhhhh>
<oooooooooooooooooooooo>
(no particular reason, I just like typing o’s, use them at will)
<collective gasp>
(appropriate for shock or the ‘you really screwed up’ moment>
<dead silence>
(audience just doesn’t get the joke>
Scotti turns a stern look on Rachelle.
"Don’t even THINK that, Rach’! Tiggeril is too young to think about marriage. I want her to have some fun before she settles down. And if she were to get married, I would prefer someone like Monster104, who feels like my son already. Not that xizor isn’t a handsome, witty man, but–hey, wait a minute! Maybe YOU should go out with him!
Tig doesn’t need to get married just to please that capacitor guy, she already HAS dual citizenship. Sometimes I wonder about that guy, he keeps hanging around Tiggeril’s diner, asking to see her green card. What’s up with that? I already showed him her citizenship papers, and he still keeps hanging around.
And Jester, will you PLEASE either come in or go out? You are distracting us, hanging there half in and half out of the window. WATCH OUT-you are about to put your foot in my freshly baked blackberry pi…OH DEAR!
Ay de mi! (Sorry, the network execs changed my catchphrase)
Anyway, are you SURE that you don’t wanna do the wedding thing? You are? Awwwwwwwwwwwww…nuts. I brought all my priest’s gear and everything! I even got my vestaments dry-cleaned!
What? YES, I’m a priest. I’m ordained in the great state of…<takes out id and reads> Alatexas! Ah, I remember my days growing up in ala…
Huh? What’d you say Monster? It’s not a state?! Damn. Remind me never to get ordained by a hobo on the side of the road claiming to be a bishop.
Well, since there’s no wedding, I guess I also gotta get rid of all this rice in my pockets…
<Empties rice on floor, trips, knocks over table of food>
Ay de mi!
I’d like to be the fat and sassy chef at the favorite local restaurant of the main characters. I have the occasional snappy retort, or fine piece of advice for the love-lorn. I swear that a piece of my chocolate cake will cure any broken heart (always elicting a “dieting joke” from any female character)
Much later in the day, Kat and Scotti stroll into the local restaurant, looking forward to a marvelous meal orchestrated by JavaMaven1. We are both feeling frazzled by our individual problems, and are planning on meeting Rachelle for a leisurely dinner.
Of course, JM1 has to come out to greet us, and he/she immediately notices that we are far from chipper. Furthermore, Rachelle is nowhere to be seen, and since we are late this is a somewhat sinister thing.
To compound our problems: All the men in this quirky little town are having dinner together and discussing their barren love lives. All except dpr, and-wait a minute, the only other person MIA is Rachelle!
(Scotti gets that nauseous feeling again, but refuses to think about why this happens every time she thinks about dpr with another woman.)
Of course, Jester is there, trailing purple blackberry foot prints from his left foot. Honestly, that man is a menace!
JM1 proceeds to crack wise, and by the time we are seated, we are both pretty steamed up. All we need now is for…
Tiggeril to walk in with xizor! Scotti attempts to leap to her feet, but Kat steps on her foot and stuffs a napkin in her mouth. “When are you gonna learn to SHUT UP and let that girl live her own life?”
Scotti chokes, and Democritus runs in, takes the situation in and quickly performs the Heimlich Maneuver on Scotti. Scotti gazes lovingly at Demo, thanking him for saving her life. Demo blushes, and gets the heck out of there. (Scotti has no money, and it would be counter-productive to kidnap her. All he needs is for this dim bulb to start following him around, and foiling his evil plans!)
:)…silent_rob wonders if he might have a guest shot later on in the season as a love interest
:(…silent_rob goes to see his agent about the script
Magicians have feelings too.
::Rachelle enters looking radiant and somewhat flushed::
Sorry I didn’t make it to dinner last night guys. When I went home to change I ran into someone in the elevator at my apartment building. He lives two floors up, he’s a doctor at Mercy Hospital and he’s got a great body! We ended up going out to dinner and then to a couple of clubs. So far I’ve only found a couple of things wrong with him. He says “Um” before every sentence. That’s kind of annoying. He also wiped his mouth on his tie and he pulled a hair from my head and used it to floss after dinner. Other than that it was a perfectly normal evening. :rolleyes: I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again though. He’s too smart for me.
So what have I missed here. I notice that Tiggeril and xizor are still together and Scotticher and dpr are not! I think I’m gonna have to have a talk with Scotticher… she’s blind as a bat when it comes to dpr! Is Jester ever going to get that blackberry pie off his shoes!
HEY! Could I be the crochety old man that launches into meandering stories with no apparent point, Like that time me and my pal Stinky McGillicuty were gonna drive all the way down to Mexico in our ‘47 Stutz because we heard you could buy all the parafin you could carry for a penny a pound. I thought we would do better to drive Stinky’s pickup truck, but it could only go in reverse ever since the time he had to drag the elephant outta his septic tank. That was when he got the moniker “Stinky”. I told him that his truck was never built fer elephant draggin’ but he said he figgured all that slime from the septic tank would act as a natural lubricant. It may have helped him a bit, but in the long run a little pickup truck like that is no match for a pissed off two ton pachyderm covered in poop.
The part practicly writes itself…
<runs past door screaming, with pack of dogs running after him>
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Leave me alone!
<jumps in through window, slips on newly mopped floor, falls face first onto ground>
<Gets up calmly>
So, how’s everybody doing?
What, the dogs? Well, see, they’re after my foot. <holds up foot covered in blackberry pie>
What, Scotti? Well, I TRIED to get it off, but it’s caked on pretty good, and stuck to my foot. I think that it’ll probably stay on, causing frustration and cheap laughs, for the duration of the episode, until some quirky event happens to a character and also effects my shoe, causing it to come off in some hilarious manner.
<ahem> Anyway, I need to go buy a paper from my new best friend and news vendor, particlewill. Have you heard this guy’s stories? They’re GREAT!!
<walks out door, immediately pounced upon by pack of dogs>
Ay de mi!
scene change
Dpr is currently hanging out with his best friend monster. Gone is the witty and funny facade. In its place is a long-faced, heart-broken fool who is trying to express his feelings for Scotti.
Montsr, being oh-so-cool already knows of his friends’ feelings and tries to encourage dpr.
“You’ve got to tell her man!”
But dpr protests that he thinks telling her would scrae her and push away.
“And don’t you give me that speech about one food over and over”
He sighs wistfully and says “I’d rather be with her and be hurting than ever risk being without her…”
<aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww>
I’ll be the fun-loving, fascist martian!!
meanwhile, back in the diner,
tiggeril and xizor take a seat at the counter (it being tiggeril’s day off at the diner), comically not noticing Scotti’s bad napkin experience.
tiggeril goes on to tell xizor about her future plans of making it on Broadway…
xizor is barely listening, wondering when he can pop the question.
tension mounts.
Dpr: whatchya doin?
Jester: Making plans for the big birthday party next week. See? I’ve got it all planned out. We can put the tootsie rolls over here, next to the drinks but away from the peanuts, chips and dip which I’ve put over here. This way people will get thirsty from eating but be forced to circulate constantly. Neat huh?
big pause as dpr looks at jester
dpr: you do realise they could just move the bowls don’t you?
jester looks aghast at the idea
dpr: It’ll be fine mate. So how’s Chantelle? (he said referring to the supermodel who guest-starred in last week’s episode and who hit it off with Jester)
Jester: Great!! Who would’ve thought we’d have so much in common? We’ve had a couple of lunches and she stayed over last night nudges dpr Yeah she’s wonderful.
Dpr (smiling broadly): That’s great man. So you two lovebirds got plans for the weekend then?
Jester: Yeah I’m taking her to meet my mom this weekend. notices the look dpr gives him What? You don’t think I’m moving too fast do you?
Dpr: Jester, if you were moving any faster you’d travel back in time.
<<insert laughtrack>>
Jester: Oh you can talk Mr-I love-Scotti-but-can’t-tell-her-how-I-feel. If you were moving any slower you could vacation at Mount Rushmore as a dead president.
audience laughs but is sobered quickly by the pained expression on dpr’s face
Dpr: I just can’t tell her man. I couldn’t take the rejection. Not from her. What if she hates me? What if she gives me the “just good friends” line?
both men shudder violently and pull faces at the mention of this and the audience laughs enthusiastically
Jester: If you don’t tell her you won’t know how SHE feels. She could feel the same way about you. Or she may not. Until you ask though you won’t know, and either could be true.
Dpr: And either could be false. Great! I’m in love with Schroedinger’s Woman!
<<muted laughter as only some of the crowd get the joke>>
Wump: hey everyone!! I’m taking a trip to the moon for ahwile, so till i go, drinks are on the house!!!
::crickets chirp::
Wump: sigh hmmm, maybe if i turned the neon “open” sign on, people would come into they’re “favorite” hang out place.
::sppattered laughs, audience unsure of whether it was a joke or not, even tho the sign is flashing::
Audience member: maybe the sign’s broke?
::mumbles of agreement::