The Sex Life Of Superheroes

Yep, I’m a sicko.


Ladies and gentlemen, today we will be discussing how vairious powers would affect the sex life of a superhero.
Now, since superman’s sex life has been explored already we can leave him out, so let’s begin with someone just as well-known.
Spider-man. The comic book version.
It goes without saying that his endurance must be much greater than the average man’s (anyone wondering how a geek like parker landed a babe like MJ can stop wonering) but what of his clinging ability? does he yank off little fingertip-shaped patches of skin off of MJ’s back every time untill she looks like a leper? Does he hang upside down for the 69 position? Did he ever get kinky and web MJ to the cealing? During his time with fellow super hero the Black Cat they likely had sex that would put a normal person in traction. Possibly while clinging to the side of a building. Would his spider sense warn him if he were about to hump someone with some form of VD?

Green lantern. The power ring is possibly the most useful tool in existance for all applications including sex. Any form of restraint, bed, or sexual apparatus could be conjured up. Levitation is possible, permitting any position imagineable, as well as enveloping one’s partner in a stimulating field of energy. the possibility of disease or pregnancy can be eliminated provided one can maintain concentration during sex as the power ring can create a form-fitting full body forcefield.

The flash. The first thought that crosses the mind is that being the fastest man on earth must be a tremendous liability. this fails to address how super speed can affect recovery time. The Flash could, potentially, ejaculate, recover, and continue during the time of a single normal-speed stroke. Also, he can vibrate any part of his body at various speeds for maximum stimulation. On the downside, his semen exits at supersonic speeds. While not indestrctible as Superman’s semen would be, the speed and volume Flash creates would be akin to being sandblasted from the inside. A condom or sponge would be ineffective unless made from steel plating. A full body forcefield like that created by the Green Lantern’s ring would also work assuming GL could be nearby maintaining it or just loan his ring. (I know what everyone is thinking so stop it ya perverts!) Pregnancy is problematic if the child has a super speed metabolism. The woman would have to eat constantly and might need supplemental oxygen. Gestation may be as short as one week putting great stress on the uterus as it tries to expand. High speed kicks can cause internal bleeding.

Mr. Fantastic. Probably the one most speculated about aside from Superman. His stretching and bending ability would enable him to do such things as perform oral sex on himself, inflate his penis to abnormal size, and perform cunnilingus and penetration simultaniously. His tounge is likely just as stretchy. The distinction between doggy style and missionary would be meaningless to somone who can do both at once.

The human torch. He would be the same as anyone else provided he can maintain controll and not incinerate his partner. A female with invulnerability would be ideal. I suspect that during the time he was married to a shape-changing skrull she made her body flame-resistant.

Beast. Has superior strength, stamina, and agility, any girl who likes her men hairy or had a secret crush on one of the monsters of Sesame Street when she was a little girl would be in for a treat.

She-Hulk. She would have problems of potentially damaging a non-super human. Anything that enters any orafice risks being crushed, broken, bitten, or pulled off. Pregnancy would be little risk due to her incredible healing ability. However, a c-section delivery could be needed to prevent a non-invulnerable baby from being crushed to death during contractions. It is unlikely that this would cause her problems in dating as she practically has her pick of any of the super powered men.

Wonder Woman. Problems similar to those of She Hulk but somewhat less severe.

Aquaman. Great strenght and stamina. Needs frequent water breaks to keep himself from dehydrating unless performing in the shower and will not mind a girl who has nether regions that taste like fish.

The Thing. If proportionate to the rest of his body, his penis is likely too big for ordinary sex or fellatio. The rocky skin texture combined with his great body weight make unprotected sex deadly to any non-invulnerable woman even if she were of sufficient size. A condom composed of an abrasive-proof material would need to be employed. A hand-job would require a heavy protective glove. It is likely that his skin would be an effective barrier to most VD. The Thing’s tounge is the same as that of a normal human and can be used in the normal ways. The standard super strength problems apply.

Invisible Woman. Her forcefield abilities allow her to safely engage in sex with any human-sized superhman without fear of harm, disease, or pregnancy in the same manner that the Green Lantern’s ring allows. Additionally, her powers of invisibility allow her to have sex in any public place.

More will be forthcoming but right now I need a break.


You should get your friend some help. He seems to be fixated on superhero’s sex organs.


Seriously, though, what’s with all these threads recently about comic book characters getting busy?

People are perverts and with Daredevil out and X-men 2 coming up one starts to think about that sort of thing.

The Flash (I speak of Barry here, the second Flash) of course, did have twins. They did have superspeed, but apparently it didn’t manifest until after birth.

His grandson, Bart Allen, did age (after birth, apparently) at an alarming rate. He was raised in a VR that could keep up with his development until a cure was found or he started to age normally. He’s now a teenage with no apparent physical damage but some deal of mental issues due to his upbringing.

I don’t think premature ejaculation would be an issue for Flash. He’s used to slowing himself down in normal situation, and can proabably “think about baseball” better than any man alive.

Likewise, I see no evidence that his autonomic funictions fire at an accelerated rate when he’s not moving at super speeds.

Also remember that Flash has an aura completely free of friction. Never any lube problems here. Flash would probably be the best lover.

Except for telepaths. Telepaths could set up a loop would A would feel B feeling A feeling B feeling A… until the both died incredibly happy.

Hmmh…sad to admit it, but I used to wonder about this stuff too during the period when I was outgrowing comic books and starting to notice that girls are, like, totally cute.
But most of these comic books were written for 8-year old boys who thought girls were cootie-infested annoyances, so the characters are pretty much sexless although they’re never really drawn that way.
Spiderman: He can control the sticky thing, as Electro figured out, it’s basically an advanced form of static electricity, although in the movie they made it look like tiny retractable barbs. But, that’s under control, so it’s not like a cat penis or anything. But i’m sure he’d be into the chandelier/hanging from the ceiling thing. I mean, if you can, why not, right?
The Flash: While being able to move like the fastest being on earth, that doesn’t preclude that his sperm would be moving supersonically, also. That’s an involuntary muscle contraction (one not controllable), not a voluntary one like running around. But he can keep it in normal speed mode when necessary, otherwise it’s rugburns for all parties involved.

Flash may not have any problem’s with premature ejaculation, but what about Daredevil? I mean, if his sense of touch is really so sensitive . . .

And with Hank Pym and Janet VanDyne both possessing or having possessed the ability to shrink, well, it creates some interesting possibilities in their sex life.

As for supervillains:

What about Doctor Doom? Does he do everything that armor? He’s probably got a hinged crotch-flap for these purposes.

Mystique would make an interesting sex partner, with her ability to look like anyone you want her to. Hell, get her and Chameleon together and they could have fun having sex in public places looking like any public figures of their choosing.

And you know, if the Joker’s never had sex with Harley Quinn, then he’s even crazier than we’ve ever assumed.

So, you folks who are analyzing all this, how come Howard the Duck was so popular with the fair sex?

I’ve only read the original Howard the Duck series (Which is all that matters anyway, far as I’m concerned.) but the only woman Howard can be conclusively linked to sexually is his long-time girlfriend Beverly.

Other than that, Howard’s a cute, charming anthropomorphic animal. I can see how some women might be attracted to him, but it wouldn’t necessarily be a sexual attraction.

Hmm, let’s see what my slight-to-none comic knowledge can dream up…

Wolverine: His improved smell would probably simplify hooking up with women “on the prowl” in single’s bars (and could possibly spot VD or pregnancy risks). And although there’s no ahem bone to be adamantium plated, you have to wonder whether his claws are the only retractable metalic parts on his body.

Cyclops: Puts a whole new spin on the glasses during sex question.

Jean Grey: Mmmm, telekinetic positioning…

Rogue: Would require a full-body condom. And woe unto you if it breaks…

Batman: During his whole physical/spiritual training, you’d think Tantric techniques would have been thrown in at one point.

Bruce Banner: Ok, the Hulk has all the same problems as the Thing (without the friendly personality), but what about Dr. Banner? Any chance of his hulking out when with a lovely lady?

Well, Uther Pendragon pulled it off in Excalibur.

Ok, now I possibly could have phrased that better… :wink:

The Hulk doesn’t have rocky skin like the thing.
Sex would probably keep Banner nice and mellow, a sure cure for hulking out.

Wolverine doesn’t really have to worry about VD with his healing factor.

Green Lantern might want to avoid the watersports…golden showers wouldn’t be the best thing for him. At least in the ones I read in the late 70s and early 80s, I think he’s lost that vulnerability to yellow by now.

Bit of a highjack:

Why did GL’s always have the crappiest weaknesses? Alan Scott to wood, Hal Jordan to the color yellow? I mean, talk about stretching.

At least Kyle Rayner’s “weakness” (he needs to be able to maintain concentration for his ring to work) makes sense.

Almost. Its weakness to yellow means no golden showers.

Ewww. Keep those hands where we can see 'em, please.

Also, how can you really respect a guy with one of the most powerful weapons in the world who can take out by poking him in the eye with a stick?

Hell, paint your stick yellow and you can take on two generations of Green Lanters at once!

Damn! I thought of that joke first, honest! I just got distracted by another thread…

fargin’ preview.

Actually, Kyle’s main weakness is his I.Q.

I thought this was true of all GLs.

The Beast (X-Men) has it the worst, I think. After years of attracting babes by the boatload, he recently mutated to the point that he can’t couple with human(oid) women any more.

Whoa, it’s actually a discussion about the sex lives of superheroes!
I thought we were going to be discussing the one act play by Stephen Gregg called Sex Lives of Superheroes

He woos her disguised as a mortal man, and they go back to her place for a night of divine intervention. In the morning, the god decides to tell the woman how she has been blessed. “Madam,” quoth he, “I’m Thor.” “You’re thor?” quoth she, “I’m tho thor I can’t even pith.”