Yep, I’m a sicko.
ARF!
Ladies and gentlemen, today we will be discussing how vairious powers would affect the sex life of a superhero.
Now, since superman’s sex life has been explored already we can leave him out, so let’s begin with someone just as well-known.
Spider-man. The comic book version.
It goes without saying that his endurance must be much greater than the average man’s (anyone wondering how a geek like parker landed a babe like MJ can stop wonering) but what of his clinging ability? does he yank off little fingertip-shaped patches of skin off of MJ’s back every time untill she looks like a leper? Does he hang upside down for the 69 position? Did he ever get kinky and web MJ to the cealing? During his time with fellow super hero the Black Cat they likely had sex that would put a normal person in traction. Possibly while clinging to the side of a building. Would his spider sense warn him if he were about to hump someone with some form of VD?
Green lantern. The power ring is possibly the most useful tool in existance for all applications including sex. Any form of restraint, bed, or sexual apparatus could be conjured up. Levitation is possible, permitting any position imagineable, as well as enveloping one’s partner in a stimulating field of energy. the possibility of disease or pregnancy can be eliminated provided one can maintain concentration during sex as the power ring can create a form-fitting full body forcefield.
The flash. The first thought that crosses the mind is that being the fastest man on earth must be a tremendous liability. this fails to address how super speed can affect recovery time. The Flash could, potentially, ejaculate, recover, and continue during the time of a single normal-speed stroke. Also, he can vibrate any part of his body at various speeds for maximum stimulation. On the downside, his semen exits at supersonic speeds. While not indestrctible as Superman’s semen would be, the speed and volume Flash creates would be akin to being sandblasted from the inside. A condom or sponge would be ineffective unless made from steel plating. A full body forcefield like that created by the Green Lantern’s ring would also work assuming GL could be nearby maintaining it or just loan his ring. (I know what everyone is thinking so stop it ya perverts!) Pregnancy is problematic if the child has a super speed metabolism. The woman would have to eat constantly and might need supplemental oxygen. Gestation may be as short as one week putting great stress on the uterus as it tries to expand. High speed kicks can cause internal bleeding.
Mr. Fantastic. Probably the one most speculated about aside from Superman. His stretching and bending ability would enable him to do such things as perform oral sex on himself, inflate his penis to abnormal size, and perform cunnilingus and penetration simultaniously. His tounge is likely just as stretchy. The distinction between doggy style and missionary would be meaningless to somone who can do both at once.
The human torch. He would be the same as anyone else provided he can maintain controll and not incinerate his partner. A female with invulnerability would be ideal. I suspect that during the time he was married to a shape-changing skrull she made her body flame-resistant.
Beast. Has superior strength, stamina, and agility, any girl who likes her men hairy or had a secret crush on one of the monsters of Sesame Street when she was a little girl would be in for a treat.
She-Hulk. She would have problems of potentially damaging a non-super human. Anything that enters any orafice risks being crushed, broken, bitten, or pulled off. Pregnancy would be little risk due to her incredible healing ability. However, a c-section delivery could be needed to prevent a non-invulnerable baby from being crushed to death during contractions. It is unlikely that this would cause her problems in dating as she practically has her pick of any of the super powered men.
Wonder Woman. Problems similar to those of She Hulk but somewhat less severe.
Aquaman. Great strenght and stamina. Needs frequent water breaks to keep himself from dehydrating unless performing in the shower and will not mind a girl who has nether regions that taste like fish.
The Thing. If proportionate to the rest of his body, his penis is likely too big for ordinary sex or fellatio. The rocky skin texture combined with his great body weight make unprotected sex deadly to any non-invulnerable woman even if she were of sufficient size. A condom composed of an abrasive-proof material would need to be employed. A hand-job would require a heavy protective glove. It is likely that his skin would be an effective barrier to most VD. The Thing’s tounge is the same as that of a normal human and can be used in the normal ways. The standard super strength problems apply.
Invisible Woman. Her forcefield abilities allow her to safely engage in sex with any human-sized superhman without fear of harm, disease, or pregnancy in the same manner that the Green Lantern’s ring allows. Additionally, her powers of invisibility allow her to have sex in any public place.
More will be forthcoming but right now I need a break.
