lmao
Oh and here’s one I don’t think has been said. What about when the guy has trouble unhooking the bra.
I didn’t think any condoms had hands.
[sub]I’ll be here all week. Try the veal, it’s a keeper.[/sub]
Or you’re having the best sex of your life…and then you hear catcalls and hooting, and realise you’ve left the curtains pulled back and the window open…or the next door neighbours start banging loudly on the wall.
That moment in the morning when you can’t find your underwear.
Spending the next 1/2 hour with a wad of tissues between your legs, waiting for everything to work its way out.
Watching your man get ready in the morning and realising his back looks like a road map where you’ve scratched it.
All right. My own contribution here, rather than commenting on others’ posts…(Though hey you folks who don’t like long hair: my bf and I both have it halfway down our backs and I think it’s the most sensual thing there is!). But anyway, picture this one, if you can.
Couple lying beside each other on bed engaged in heavy duty, hot and heavy foreplay. At this point, they’re still partially clothed (what remains of the clothing is slid down or moved in, um, “strategic” ways, and probably could be movie sex, depending on the movie’s rating). The man whispers something to the woman (also could be movie sex), but his words partially bring back a childhood memory, and – go to editing room now – she bursts out LAUGHING HER ASS OFF. He has no idea what’s so funny, but through her laughter she struggles to tell him. After about 5 minutes of her attempts to communicate through hysterical laughter, he understands one phrase she manages to utter comprehensibly. First his eyes bug practically right out of his head, but then only does he start laughing, but he’s repeating this phrase, over and over again, in a different inflection each time, while both of them laugh so hard they practically go into respiratory distress and tears are running down the woman’s cheeks. This goes on for a good 15-20 minutes. When they finally recover, they resume their activities, make mad passionate love and wind up naked in each other’s arms savoring the afterglow.
The whispered question: “How low is your IQ now?”
The repeated phrase: “I used to know something about being retarded, but I forgot.”
So, Dopers, when do you think my bf and I will ever get to have sex in the movies, and (2) will I ever live this incident down?
—NOT—
I love that. Nothing sexier.
How about the scene where she reaches out to steady herself, her hand goes between the mattress and the headboard and on the next vigorous thrust, her pinky finger goes *snap.
“Gee, how’d you break your pinky?”
“Um, sex accident. Don’t ask.”
As if someone would.
How about you’re going at it hot and heavy and your wife starts screaming, really screaming not sex screaming, then she’s laughing hysterically, because she looked up and saw the neighbor’s huge black Labrador retriever looking down at her from the side of the waterbed, because the front door was left open and he knows how to open the screen door with his paw?
Ever see that in a movie?
Dogs generally hate to be left out.
Almost getting stuck in the armrest of a futon because you didn’t bother to unfold it first.
Your partner reaching for you in his sleep and whacking you in the head.
Or the time the cat decides she wants to lay on your chest while hubby is performing oral sex on you and doing delightful thing with his fingers, and you’re so into it that you don’t even notice the goddamned cat until she growls and slaps you in the face with her claws. (Apparently, she didn’t like my screams/grunts/moans)
Guys - listen carefully. I am going to explain how to pull off the disappearing sock thing.
This is a valuable lesson that will serve you well if mastered.
This is also one of the very few instances where a little foreplay is a good thing. 
Prior to getting undressed, get yourself into a position where she is facing you and unable to see your feet or lower legs (in the movie, the camera shot would be tightened to leave your legs off-screen). Do whatever kissing, touching, or even pre-undressed sex acts you feel like - hell, do whatever makes her happy, your objective at this point is to distract her attention, so go big or go home. This is key - you need to be practiced enough at this that you don’t contort yourself so much that she asks what the hell you’re doing. When you have a suitable window of opportunity, deftly slide one foot up your pant leg to the top of the sock on that leg, and pull it off with your big toe. Then, repeat with the other foot (which will be easier than the first, since the manipulating foot is now bare). She should be engulfed in the throes of passion and completely oblivious to the sock maneouver. Once the socks are off, execute a roll and proceed with the mutual undressing.
Oh, and widen the camera angle.
Phones getting answered.