Ok, what’s with all the biblical humor???
They must have come from North Carolina…
Religious jokes are the only ones I know that are rated PG or better.
I don’t think I get the Joke Rating System…
Does PG mean “Pretty Good?”
So, what are the other possible ratings?
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What? Everybody else is doin’ it!
Yahds are mowed, edged and otherwise all spiffed. Beastloaf, cabbage, Spanish rice (why it’s called that I don’t know) and cornbread for dindin.
That’s the news from swampland.
Is better cleaner or dirtier?
My dad’s favorite joke:
A religious Jew discovers his son has converted to Christianity. He goes to his neighbor and says “Moshe, my son has converted to Christianity, what should I do?”
Moshe replies: "You, too? My son has converted to Christianity! We need to speak to the Rebbe about this.
So, they go to the Rebbe and tell him “Our sons, they have converted to Christianity, what should we do??”
Rebbe replies: “You, too? My son has converted to Christianity! We should pray to G-d about this and ask for guidance.”
So the three of them lift their heads to the sky and say “G-d… our sons have converted to Christianity, what should we do???”
G-d replies: “You, too?”
Speaking of whom…
How do we know Jesus was Jewish?
- He thought his mother was a virgin.
- His mother thought he was God.
- And he lived with his parents until he was 30.
PG means Praise God. Take it from there. 
I saw a bottle of dehydrated water from Hell Creek online once, but I can’t find the store selling it now. Oh Hell, Michigan. One day I will visit you.
My feets are killing me today. Why did I think it would be a good idea to wear a pair of shoes I haven’t worn in a year on my first day back to work in a week? Oh yeah, because the soles of my other shoes are worn out.
We’ve had a nice rainy day, altho I think the DC area got lots worse. Since it’s relatively cool, I’ve got supper in the oven - a ham-potato scallop casserole. It’s smelling yum - should be done in half an hour or so.
I had a horrible night. About 2:30 I was awakened by what I believe was the BBQ salad I had at Famous Dave’s. It was not pleasant, and let’s leave it at that. When the alarm went off, I had a tough time getting in gear, so **FCD **beat me into the bathroom. Usually I brush my teeth, then get into the shower before he rouses himself. Anyway, since I had to wait on him before I could do the teeth/shower thing, I was about 10 minutes late getting out of the house.
Just as I was getting to the toll booth for the Nice Bridge, a bridge cop turned on his blue lights and sped up the bridge. Yep, an accident. I sat there for 40 minutes. Watched a fire truck, an ambulance, 2 more cop cars, and a tow truck go by. Cute trick since it’s a 2-lane bridge - obviously oncoming traffic was blocked, too.
Based on what I saw as things got moving, a Honda with out of state handicap tags ran into the back of a semi. The Honda was hauled out on the tow truck, and I think the driver may have been in the ambulance, since it hung around after the fire truck had gone. Once we got moving and I was on the VA side, there was a semi sitting there with those triangle thingies around it. Guess he was waiting for a cop?
Anyway, between leaving home late, sitting on the bridge, and having to fill my car, I was about 45 minutes later than I wanted to be today. Which sucked. And I’m still exhausted. And I had a stoopit meeting at 2, so even if I’d been on time, I’d have had to stay late.
Sucks to be me today…
Oh, and speaking of hump day, apparently my daughter’s pug is a monkey humper. He really, *REALLY *likes his stuffed monkey. A LOT!!! Little perv…
Oregon Public Broadcasting is booooorrrrrring!
So I’m at the store, waiting for somebody, anybody, to schlep in and buy something.
The store is in an old brick building and the radio reception in here sucks.
Also, the CD player in this box has gone insane. Anytime I put Pink Floyd in it, it refuses to play any kind of CD for two days. Lately it’s refusing to play 80% of any CDs I try in it.
Anyway, Here’s the FM stations I can get:
91.5 - OPB
92.5 - one of the 2,652 ‘classic rock’ stations in the Portland area
97.1 - Charlie. Really. That’s what they call themselves. They play everything, most of it crappy.
98.7 - one of the 3,916 country music stations in the Portland area.
99.5 - another one of the 3,916 country music stations in the Portland area.
i can’t get AM at all.
I guess it’s time to toss it and haul a new music source in here.
BTW, did I mention that I was in a church choir when I was a teenager?
There was this girl, see?
When we broke up, i quit the choir, much to everyone’s relief.
My singing voice has variously been described as sounding like “a bucketful of bullfrogs” or “a truck full of chickens on a corduroy road”.
That’s all I got.
Did I mention I was bored?
**Bumba **- you could teach yourself to juggle…
Supper was good. Daughter is going to watch a video with a friend. I’m going to stay awake as long as I can before crashing. I’s tahred…
Good news, and more good news.
My dryer lives once more. I spent more time cleaning out the lint that clogged it than I did changing the electrical components that roasted.
VWife FINALLY got ahold of Gracie’s owner, and she will go home Saturday. We’ve had her since January… One down, and two to go.
My innate compulsion to strangle my wife has ratcheted down a couple notches tonight.
Long day. I’m exhausted. I should be working on forks but I’m just too tired.
Actually a theological debate. Especially after I call Bobbio an evil heathen for not realizing Moses was a biker and his Triumph was a Bonneville set up with twin carbs and megaphone exhausts. That’s why it was heard throughout the land. Trust me on that one.
Soapy - always loved that joke.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
Be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
If this is over the top for this thread someone can feel free to delete it.
Just after World War 2, a reporter was interviewing the Mother Superior of a monastery in Italy regarding her experiences during the war.
“Oh it was terrible, terrible.” She cried, “First the Italians came-a to our village. They-a setta upa their camp and then they raped all-a us nuns - all except sister Matilda. Then-a the British came and drove the Italian soldiers out and-a they brought us food and raped all-a us nuns - excepta Sister Matilda. Den-a the Germans, they-a attacked the British and drove them off and-a they were very joyous - so they raped-a all of the nuns - excepta Sister Matilda. Then Patton, he come with his army and attacked the Germans and while all-a the fighting was going on the Italian soldiers came back to help the Germans and to rape-a all of the nuns - excepta Sister Matilda. But the British reinforced Patton and the Americans and drove the Axis forces away from dis-a region and there was great joy and much raping of all-a us nuns - excepta Sister Matilda.”
So the reporter said “What a minute - just hold on. You mean this village changed hands like 6 or 7 times between four different armies?”
Mother Superior said “Si!”
And the reporter continued “And each and every time one of the first things the soldiers did was rape all the nuns?”
Mother Superior said “Si!”
And then he said “Except Sister Matilda - she never got touched.”
Mother Superior said “Si!”
“Well” said the reporter “I have to ask ------- just what the heck is wrong with Sister Matilda???”
“Oh sister Matilda,” said the nun, wiping her eye, “She’s not interested in that sort of thing.”
(this is the long version told by Dave Allen)
Yeah, I’m alive.
It’s that time again, right before school starts and I have no real life, or free time. So basically for about the next ten days or so, I work, go to the gym (or drink), go home, have dinner, do some work, drink, and fall asleep
During which time, I dream about either working or sleeping.
So I did not skim, am not up to date, but still love y’all!
Home from work. I had to take a friend’s husband to a bar, so she could have some peace for a few hours(I would never go to such an establishment otherwise). Now I’m home, and the dogs are walked.
spaz, my dad has a can of dehydrated water(just add water and stir).
MBG!
love all the jokes!
No! You use milk to reconstitute dehydrated water.
Did you know that God was a model train enthusiast and had a huge train layout?
It says so right in the bible:
Isaiah 6:1 (KJV)
“I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.”