The sordid world of Nursery Rhyme

I’ve found the perfect cure for boredom. Making up sordid scenarios for the Nursery Rhyme world. Here’s what I just wrote while waiting for my ride to arrive. Feel free to add on.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. Or did she? Nah, see, it was that ho Jill that pushed that cat Jack down in the first place. See, it wasn’t water that was in that “pail”. Nope. It was cash. $3000 worth, from the deal Jack was doin’ up there on that hill. Jill sees that, and says “Yeah, all’s I gotta do is give ol’ Jackie-boy here 1 push, and this ****'s mine.” Heartless little bitch doesn’t even think twice. Down Jack goes.

But Karma had a thing for Jill, and Jill had a thing for Karma. See, Jill had a little habit she had to feed. A coke problem, if you can dig it. So the first thing she did was go to the corner of 9th and 9th. Went to see the Ol’ Woman. Ol’ W had the good ****, this everyone knew. So little Jillie hands over her “hard-earned” cash. But there was somethin’ she wasn’t quite hip to.

Ol’ W was a narc. Undercover. So she brings Jill’s ass down. Yessir, Ol’ W don’t mess around with no-one. She’s one badass cop. Everyone knows it. Mess with her, and she’s gonna give you ****. And if she goes a little far sometimes, you just turn your head. And if she’s got a little drinking problem, you pretend you don’t see. ‘Cause everyone goes a little far sometimes. Goes with the job. And cops as good as Ol’ W are few and far between. So Ol’ W gets her bust, and goes home.

Home. To her 2 room duplex otherwise known as “The shoe”. Home to her 50-some kids. So many, she doesn’t even know what to do sometimes. She fell in love with a trucker. And he was gone for weeks at a time. And sure, the money was good, but the silence got to a person after awhile. So they have a kid. But it’s not enough after awhile. So they have another. And another. So many she lost track. And then it happens. He’s killed on a run to Denver. No one’s fault, a freak accident. But now she’s gotta raise the kids. So who can blame her if she gets loaded every now and then? And who’s gonna judge her if she spanks the unruly brats and sends them to bed early?

Peter is. Peter Peter the Pumpkin eater. One bad mutha from Social Services…

So Humpty Dumpty is up on this wall. There were absolutely no signs warning of the dangers of being perched on top of a wall, nor were there any other preventive measures to keep eggs from getting on the wall in the first place. Somebody is going to get sued. Eggs naturally are attracted to walls. Prevention is the key, and the wall’s owner is responsible for this tragedy.

However, do we really need to spend all the kingdom’s resources on repairing this egg? I, as a kingdom taxpayer, do not want all the king’s men involved in this obviously futile effort. And what’s with the king’s horses? Like how can they be expected to help? This huge waste of taxpayer’s money is obviously the result of somebody being slipped some money somewhere.

  1. If the egg can be put back together, it is the responsibility of the owner of the wall, not the government, to provide medical coverage.

  2. Owners of walls had better start getting their collective acts together. To prevent a series of “copycat” accidents I propose stiff fines on all such owners who do not have their walls fixed promptly to prevent this from happening again.

  3. Schools might spend a little extra time telling the young (and especially the young eggs) about the dangers of walls and falls in general. Of course, the proper place for such training is at home—but that’s not always going to happen.

  4. Just because we live in a kingdom, it doesn’t follow that we cannot protest vehemently at the utter waste of our revenues.

  5. Anyone who set horses to the project of repairing eggs should be fired immediately!

The itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again, only to get washed down a second time. Upon the third attempt, the itsy bitsy spider went to the front door and rang the doorbell. He couldn’t get the attention of the owner, because he was so itsy bitsy. Thus, he began on a crusade for “itsy-bitsy rights”. And went on an 8 legged march to Washington.

Somewhere along the line in Kansas, he hooked up with this foxy little itsy bitsy spiderette who could spell things in English on her web. She called herself “Charlotte”. He stayed with her for a few days, communicating with the animals, and spreading his ideals for “itsy bitsy rights”. In one speech, he roused the animals on the farm so much, that the pigs got loose, flew to England and killed a farmer while he lay passed out in a drunk. These pigs later started the animal version of a Communist government, known as “Animal Farm”.

After the riot in Kansas, the public began to notice the astounding skill of Charlotte. The itsy bitsy spider was upstaged by this formerly foxy little itsy bitsy spiderette, and subsequently forgotten. Charlotte in her new found fame went on to the State Fair with a defecting pig, and started on the lecture circuit and has a few book deals pending.

However, our itsy bitsy spider was unabated in his quest. He left Kansas for Washingon DC, and stopped somewhere in a shady part of Missouri. It was here that he was finally broken when a mob of roving Texas fire ants mugged him and left him destitute and broke. Still, the itsy bitsy spider trekked on.

And one day, the itsy bitsy spider actually climbed up to Capitol Hill, and made the long arduous climb up the steps to the great Capitol itself. Here, he began to picket day and night with an itsy bitsy picket sign that said “Itsy Bitsy Rights Now!” He also got himself a following. Some cockroaches from Florida, a few sand fleas from Virginia and Arizona, some lice from up in the Dakotas, and a big furry Tarantula from New Mexico named “Bill”. They all picketed for weeks. It wasn’t long before one Congressman noticed the growing insect population in the building and called the exterminators. But the itsy bitsy spider and his itsy bitsy squad of freedom fighters had one last chance - they were going on a hunger strike! So they sat, fasted, and waited, until they were accidentally stepped on and squished.

The end.

Tripler

Hansel and Gretel found the gingerbread house about forty-five minutes after they found the mushrooms…

[sub]thanks to George Carlin for that[/sub]

Robin

Mary had a little lamb/ its fleece was white as snow/ and everywhere that Mary went/ the lamb was sure to go/ It followed her to school one day/ which was against the rule/ It made the children laugh and play/ to see a lamb at school…

Unfortunately, the administration was not as amused, and Mary was expelled due to the Zero Tolerance policy for farm animals. The poor young Mary was forced out into the working world. There things did not improve. Mary soon found that most business owners and bosses were completely intolerant of lambs trailing their employees throughout the office . Mary bounced from one job to another. From one failure to another.

Locking up the lamb seemed to do no good. Mary would put several padlocks on the barn door, but somehow the lamb always got out. It always knew where she was.There was the lamb in the grocery store. Here it came to the beauty parlor. Always and ever this lamb followed her.

Of course Mary’s love life went just as poorly. Most men were none too pleased to find a lamb bleating and frolicking during the more intimate moments. The few that didn’t mind…well Mary would have none of that!

Mary grew desperate. She purchased a gun, but deep inside she knew she could never use it on the lamb. It was so innocent. It’s fleece was white as snow, after all. “Get away from me!” she would shout. “I can’t stand you. For the love of God… GO!!” But the lamb just looked at her with needy, pleading eyes.

Mary begged, borrowed and stole money so that she could buy her way away from this awful creature. Then, one night as the lamb slept peacefully at the foot of her bed, she crept quietly out the door. Down the street was her car, with a full tank of gas. Through the heavy raining night Mary drove blindly down the interstate. Soon she was in the next county, then in the next state. Exhaustion overcame Mary but she knew she had to keep going. Up ahead was a bus station. Mary bought a ticket for the other side of the country, and settled back into sleep.

Days later Mary was on a steamship travelling to some remote islands in the Pacific. There she hired a pilot to fly her off over the waters in his private plane. The pilot noticed, of course, the paranoid and mad look in her eyes. But he said nothing. She had the money–what else mattered?

As the plane flew high over the scattered islands Mary spied a single lighthouse perced on the edge of the farthest key. Indeed this island was barely more than a rock that the lighthouse seemed to cling to like a desparate tree. Mary strapped her parachute tightly and quickly jumped from the door as the pilot protested. She landed in the water in the heavy waves and surf. With willful effort she pulled herself ashore.

The door to the old lighthouse stood open. Mary slowly climbed the circling spiral of stairs higher and higher until she reached the uppermost room. In a state of near exhaustion she fell to the floor against the far wall. She kicked the wooden upstairs door closed tightly behind her. From her bag Mary pulled the tiny handgun she had carried with her all this way. In its chamber were six bullets. There Mary sat and waited.

It was around 3 in the morning when she heard the old door creak slowly open at the base of the dark lighthouse. Mary let out a series of sobs as she heard the click click click of four feet climbing the staircase. The winding clicking echo grew louder and louder, and then stopped outside the warped oaken door of the upper room. Then the door creaked open… slowly…

It’s hard to be certain what Mary thought she saw before she flung herself onto the rocks below. The lighthouse keeper who had arrived late to turn on the beam hadn’t made it upstairs ahead of his dog in time to even see her. All he had heard was Mary yell as she fell from above. “She sounded terrified, but at the same time free” is what he later told the authorities. It was the nature of his dog to run ahead of him up the stairs, he said. Maybe the dog had frightened her.

Mary’s psychiatrist talked for a long time with the parents about their poor girl. He had tried to get Mary to see that there was no lamb. That there had never been a lamb. But Mary was convinced otherwise. All her problems were from this “lamb”. Always caused by this “lamb”. "It followed me to school, " she would cry. “It made the children laugh.”

Mary’s death was ruled a suicide. And neither the police, nor the psychiatrist, nor the family noticed the single thread of fresh wool clutched tightly still in her dead cold hand as the body was carried away.

For those of you who enjoyed this story, I recommend the Hollywood version from 1989. When she heard this story, Kirstie Alley demanded it be made into a film. You all know it. It’s called Look! Ewe’s Stalking!"

has anyone ever seen the movie, Mother Goose Rock 'n Rhyme? Its really good for kids (and adults…) it is about the same stuff afore mentioned.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
each of them had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
did you think they went up for water?