The South is Like My Mama and you sir are an ass. Can y'all pass that horseradish?

The BBQ Pit
1

I just got back from a New Faculty dinner at the President’s Home (a beautiful if not particularly imaginative three story antebellum mansion) of the university where I work (fd. 1830). I was seated at a table with an uptight bowtie wearing Max Wright-ish professor of whatever science he says he was (when you’re a librarian you don’t really pay attention because you know that generally faculty mixers are where you’ll meet whoever you bring with you- we’re academic plankton) and his Drew Barrymore-ish wife (which begs the question of “how?”- he must have some family money as she’s a good 20 years younger and quite lovely).

The conversation turned to the city where I live, a smallish west Alabama major college town (which narrows it down pretty considerably) and its benefits and lackings when compared to other towns. I’m not fanatically loyal to this town but it’s where the organization that gives me money to pay my rent and feed my dog is and it’s a lot nicer than some places I’ve lived so all in all I give it a passing grade. I never cease to get irritated at how many people act surprised and compare this place (and two other college towns I’ve lived in that were each 1/4 this size) negatively in terms of museums, bookstores, theater, etc., to other cities they’ve lived in with populations of 2 million or more ("gee… it’s almost like they don’t have the same economic base to draw from isn’t it! And exactly how insufficient are your logic and Googling skills if you can’t figure out before you move that a city of 80,000 probably isn’t going to have as many Thai-Ethiopian fusion restaurants specializing in organically grown arugula as Chicago?

Anyway, whatever. The Barrymore girl was very nice, everybody complained about the heat (it’s hot as hell and near 100% humidity here in August, no question that it’s miserable and not what you’re used to in other regions) and various places to eat, drink and spend off time. Then bowtie boy decides to pontifficate on the region.

I have only as much of a southern accent as I feel like having at any particular moment. My voice is usually said to resemble that of a newscaster. I watched too much TV as a child I suppose, but… my familly is DUKES OF HAZZARD but I’m CNN. Therefore people often don’t realize I’m a Bama born/Bama bred fellow- the first family members to come here wore feathers and the last did so due to some nasty potatoes, but my entire family was within 100 miles of my birthplace by the Civil War. Though, again, people don’t realize from my speech (even people I went to elementary school with asked me “where are you from originally?” and some have actually told me… well, I’ll save that for just a second since it will come in handy.

So bowtie Max Wright professor with the young wife who will one day clean him out says “Well, Alabama is at least more or less civilized now. That’s something you couldn’t have said twenty or thirty years ago.”

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000H I know he didn’t…

I probably shouldn’t have, but being a tad on the theatrical side I looked confusedly at my silverware and asked, in my most exaggerated southern drawl (which also happens to be a re-creation of my father’s natural speaking voice) “Excuse me, could you tell me which one of these here knives is for cuttin’ Yankee?” There was a laugh and the guy said “Well… I don’t think they’re that bad here, but there was a time.”

Somebody volunteered politely “I think he’s saying he’s southern.”

“Well he might be southern but he’s not Alabaman.”

“Actually I am” I added.

“Well, I’m guessing you’re from Birmingham or Huntsville. They hardly count as southern anymore…”

“I’m from a community called Weokahatchee actually. When I was growing up it had a population of 18, all of whom had my surname either before or after marriage. In one or two cases both.” I was smiling and cordial of course.

“Well, I never would have guessed that you were Alabaman. You sound so… well… you don’t sound like you’re from here. You sound more… academic.”

“It’s the humidity, I suppose.”

“Well… I’m surprised you stayed here. Of course I was not referring to you specifically but the Alabama of thirty years ago or so as being a bit provincial and uncivilized.”

Okay, the South is a bit like my mother: I can call her a crazy unreasonable self-exonerating husband murdering bitch, buy you can’t. God alone knows we’ve had our share of social ills and injustices, but please never forget that so has every other place. (Biggest race riot in U.S. history? Tulsa OK. Biggest Klan meeting in U.S. history? Long Island, NY. Another place whose schools were forcibly integrated at the same time as the ones down here? Hyannisport, MA.)

Yes asswipe, I’m from a place where we’ve had slaves and church bombings and turned firehoses on people marching for their freedom and incredibly unfair distribution of wealth and religious mania and hypocrisy seeps through the kudzu, but I’m also from the most culturally overrepresented region of the nation as well as one of the most naturally beautiful, economically productive, generous and above all courteous regions. That uncivilized land of 30 years ago was home to my parents, neither of whom I can quite assure you ever burned a cross or legislated hatred, and to most of the people I loved when I was a kid. And any southern gentlemen, when he had clearly insulted somebody at his table, would be man enough to either 1- defend his comment or 2- apologize for its inappropriateness, one or the other.

And the question I’ve wanted to ask so many academics who seem to feel they’re doing the region a favor with their presence: if we really are a land of NASCAR worshipping, Bible beating, 10 Commandments raising, rebel flag waving inbred hillbillies, then what in hell does it say about you that you wound up here careerwise? One of two things is true- either 1- we were the best you could do, so shut up and eat your croissant, or 2- you could have chosen larger, more prestigious universities but freely and of your own will chose us for some factor, in which case shut up and eat your croissant. But either way

DELTA’S FUCKING READY WHEN YOU ARE BITCH!

But of course I just let it pass and remembered his name.

2

As usual, very well said.

My ex-boss (the bitch) used to refer to Columbus, GA as “a third world country”. I was so glad when her rich husband divorced her pretentious ass and she moved back to California.

3

A similar view from the right side of Alabama: Right meaning both right as in observing a map and right as in Correct. But I digress.

Now, I came to Auburn University from Florida. I liked Auburn and I liked the state of Alabama, to the extent that I’ve stayed here, lo these many years.

But when I was in school at Auburn, many of my fellow Florida ex-pats spent endless hours griping about Auburn, the school, Auburn, the city and Alabama in general. This pissed me off no end, as there had to be some reason that they felt it was to their advantage to attend Auburn University. Alabama had something to offer them that Florida did not, yet they felt it necessary to diss Alabama.

I frequently pointed out that hi-way 29 south out of Auburn led to Troy and from Troy it was but a short trip down 231 to Campbellton, Florida, whence they could proceed to haul their gripin’ fuckin’ asses to school at Tallahassee, Gainesville, or other similar sites.

Moral: If you choose to come to a place and stay there, you look like a fool if all you do is bitch about your chosen location.

4

I can relate; Calgary is one of the fastest-growing cities in North America, I believe, and we are full of people from other parts of Canada here. The bitching and moaning that people from Vancouver and Toronto engage in just burns my butt. The city is full - if you don’t like it here, do us all a favour and LEAVE.

“Oh, you’ve got no trees here.” “Oh, you’ve got no lakes here.” “Oh, it’s so flat here.” “Oh, you think your traffic is bad? I spent 15 hours a day each way driving to work in Toronto. I would have to leave before I got home to make it there each day.” Wah friggin’ wah.

5

When I was 17, I met a jerk from Michigan who asked where I was from. When I told him Alabama, he sneered and said, “Why would anyone want to visit Alabama, much less live there?”

I said, “Yes, because you see so many people lined up at MICHIGAN’S borders, wanting to get in. Bless your heart.” And then I walked away.

To be honest, they have a point, Sampiro about the meager offerings here–but it’s not just this city, it’s this STATE. Then again, we’re hardly the only state to have little in the way of museums and theatres and other “culture.” And there are “highbrow” things to do here, you might just have to drive a little ways to get to them (case in point–Alabama Shakespeare Festival in Montgomery).

6

Huh? Delta Burke is gonna get all burning-cross on his ass? That I’d pay to see!

7

Dude, I don’t remember much of Calgary from my stay in Alberta, but I remember it was a lot more beautiful than most of Toronto. You guys rock. :slight_smile:

8

Heh. The sneering outsider, oh, yeh. Ain’t just damn Yankees in Southern exile who’re guilty of such.

Some years ago a fiery poet/journalist blew into staid old Boston from Chicago. Name of Patricia Smith. Came, saw, and spat upon her new surroundings. Despised our culture (so lacking compared to Chicago), our weather, our – hell, the whole place sucked, as she pointed out helpfully again and again in her columns. Loved to bestride the lofty pinnacle of her superiority and lecture us New Englanders on our failures, follies, inadequacies, loved to bitch about how much better Chicago was, in every way. Stuck around and took our local paper’s money, though.

It was with a full measure of gleeful schadenfreude that I watched her plummet into disgrace when she was found to have fabricated quotes, attributing them to people she made up.

9

What’s the last thing Gerald McRaney remembers hearing on his wedding night?

Yes, I realize someone else already made a Delta Burke reference, but come on, you know it sucked

10

Sure, Sampiro. I hear what you’re saying. The smug, ivory tower sniping at Alabama is merely laughable at this point.

But why so upset? Is it possible that the prof and the other Yankees who speak condescendingly of your town and your region are expressing fear and resentment at an alien culture?

It’s common for a certain type of American, traveling or living abroad, to relentlessly badmouth the foreign country they find themselves in. “Britain’ s awful. Holland’s terrible. Italy’s a Third World country. One thing these Canadians can’t do is make a decent steak.”

What they’re really saying is, “I’m scared. I’m a fish out of water, and I don’t really know how things work around here. You all don’t speak the same kind of English, and your unwritten language is indecipherable. I’m socially isolated. I don’t have a real network. I don’t have any real friends.”

Have you or any of your associates badmouthed Yankees for having no manners and /or talking funny. (Well, lots of Northerners do in fact talk funny. Native Wisconsinites sound like cartoon characters.) If your southern college town is like the ones I’m familiar with, the intricacies of social interaction, the divisions between classes, the cultural obsessions shared by high and low alike, are tough for outsiders to comprehend and adapt to.

Sure, the button down prof and his bimbo wife are morons, but they act the way they do because they don’t fit in, and probably don’t know how to.

11

One thing I love about Tennessee and Nashville in particular: we convert people pretty quickly. A lot of the Yankees that I’ve met around here fucking GUSH over how nice people are, how relaxed things are and how good the food is.
Fucking right, and if you don’t like it, go back to Dee-troit.

I will grant leeway to those who pine for home. I can understand someone from California who misses his/her 70 degrees and sun. When I go to Illinois or Ohio, I definitely miss my hills and trees.

Kudos to you, Sampiro, for showing southern class and letting the douchebag make a fool of himself without sinking to his level.

12

Perhaps, but if they don’t know how to express themselves any better they deserve some amount of spite.
I think it’s a southern habit to be indirect and polite, sometimes to the point of being irritating and saccharine. Sometimes it comes across as being entirely fake. But people who behave like our button down prof here strike me as indelicate and unmannered. He’s basically a guest in his new surroundings. He was rude to his hosts (unknowingly apparently, but still rude). It’s his job to assimilate, and Sampiro did his by not embarrassing his coworker further.

13

There was another professor who was equally a fish out of water but very nice and got rewarded when another local and I gave him a few pointers (especially about the indirect/polite thing mentioned above and how to interpret it: “Changledankewitzos… that’s a name you don’t hear very often” translates as “are you Greek or Polish or what exactly”, or “Did you move hear alone?” to somebody without a wedding ring is “Are you single, divorced, gay or what?”, and if you’re ever told “Why bless your heart…”, APOLOGIZE- you’ve offended somebody.

I don’t romanticize or whitewash the South and I get super irritated at those who do (the rednecks who always want to fly the rebel flag over the capitol for example- the most hate mail I ever got for a letter to the editor was when I pointed out that the one time Montgomery didn’t seem to have any hesitance in taking that flag down was when the Yankee army rode up Dexter Avenue (the street the capitol is on) when they were more of the “Hey, hi y’all doin’? Say, thanks for burning down Tuscaloosa and levelling Selma, we been meanin’ to do that for years. Come on up and set a spell”, and my ultimate pet peeve: This is not the Confederate flag, THIS is (and you absolutely never see it and I’ll wager most rednecks wouldn’t even recognize it). BUT, the south has changed more than any region of the country (for better and for worse) and there has always been a lot to recommend it even in times of its greatest atrocities (the manners, the food, the music, the general caring about one another [even among racial lines- I’ve said it before, there are few things more complicated and multifaceted and multilayered than the issue of race in the South- even the bigots aren’t simplistic in their views]). I just can’t stand the notions that somehow every moron from Europe wound up in this part of the country. (I had one professor in Grad School who used the “third world country” line mentioned above also, among less charitable comments; I finally asked her if she wore an anklet that would explode if she went north of the Tennessee River or west of the Mississippi- she didn’t appreciate it.)

I hope to live outside the south some day, but I’ll always be a southerner. And while I take the observation that “You don’t sound southern” as a statement of fact, I’m irritated by the people who mean it as a compliment.

14

Huh…that’s new to me. For us up here it’s just another way of saying…er…damn, I can’t think of another way to say it.
“You poor thing,” I guess best approximates.

i.e. “I broke my pinky finger yesterday.”
“Well bless your heart!”

So close, and yet worlds apart.

15

I was born in upstate NY, lived in New England for a few years as a kid and finally moved outside of Fort Lauderdale when I was 10 years old. Despite the problems the South has experienced, and still does experience to some degree, I am, in my own head anyway, proudly a Southerner.

Sampiro, ya done good. Y’all should be proud of yerself.

16

Would you be so forgiving of someone peddling ignorant and offensive sterotypes of blacks, Jews, etc?

17

Hung Mung, I’m from Nashville and I hear it used both ways. It takes a good ear to know whether someone is being sincere or not.

Ignorance about the South just drives me wild. I just came from browsing at eBay where I found this item for sale. It’s a postcard (circa 1900) of a lovely, well-dressed woman of color. The seller’s opening comment is, ""a unique find in that it is from the SOUTH !!!"

I taught in a school where the hallways were lined with the graduation photographs of many such elegant young men and women from the late 19th and early 20th Centuries. Their names endure and there is enormous pride in their accomplishments These names continue to be important in the political and cultural affairs here.

The photograph of the young woman on the postcard was made downtown in Nashville’s “Arcade.” It’s a sheltered area of small shops that cuts through a block. I wonder if the eBay seller thinks that Southerners continued to keep all African Americans in chains and rags until the 1950’s.

My mother-in-law lived in Alabama all of her life. She was one of the most cultured (in the traditional sense) people I have ever known. She read all the time – mostly non-fiction – and attended concerts and lectures. She saw my own cousin lecture many years before I was ever born. And my greatest envy is that she saw Rachmaninoff play. She played piano herself, and sang too.

She spoke in the most beautiful plantation dialect. It was well-paced and silken. She was brilliant and she made it a point to familiarize herself with other cultures and traditions. It really galls me to know that someone would form an opinion of her intellect based upon her speech pattern or her state of origin. Such irony.

18

You know, the one thing my mother (who moved to Northern Ireland from Zimbabwe in the 1970s…out of the frying pan into the fire, you might say) taught me is that wherever you are, you don’t look back to where you’ve come from.

She grew up with people who moved to Zim from the UK and spent their whole lives miserable at what they’d left behind, she compared them with my grandfather who had left Germany as a refugee and landed with a single suitcase in South Africa. He could have spent his life bitter and resentful at what he left behind, but he didn’t.

The only way to stay happy in a new place is to focus on the good things there, not on the good things you’ve left behind.

That professor is the one who is going to feel bitter and hard-done-by while he’s in the South, and he’s the one who’ll be worse off for his atttitude.

19

Sampiro, I sympathize. I was raised and still live in Pittsburgh. Some folks have the idea that the city hasn’t changed since the 1930’s and that we still need streetlights at noon. We have. It’s a beautiful, cultured city. While I was living in Hawaii, I came back here for a visit once, and I was waiting for someone to ask me where I was from so I could tell them I lived in Hawaii but was vacationing in Pittsburgh! :smiley:

I was born in England and still enjoy British food. One of my gentleman’s stock jokes which sometimes irritates are his jokes about British food. It’s the stuff I grew up on, and, while I may never have the appreciation for garlic some folks do, it’s comfort food for me, and I’m not alone.

If it helps, jerks like this are everywhere. When I was riding the bus in Honolulu one day, I heard a couple of young men in the military sitting behind me and running down Hawaii. (Some people have a hard time adapting to a culture in which white people aren’t the majority.) I think I finally turned around and gently explained to them that I wouldn’t say things like that about their home; would they please not say such things about mine. Then again, that may have been what I was fantasizing about doing.

Sorry it happened.
CJ

20

How’s that a complaint about Calgary? It’s objectively true that Toronto’s traffic and freeway system, in general, sucks donkey nuts, while Calgary’s is very good, relatively speaking.

Better weather, too.