Right, cause the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People’s Front"
Confederacy of Dunces
It doesn’t have the acronym possibilities, but there’s some history and some truth in advertising.
Pentacostals
One thing I’m always amazed at as somebody who’s lived around SB’s all my life is how many will argue or deny the role of slavery in the church’s formation. It’s uncontestable, it’s (no pun intended) black and white. The Baptist Church had taken a progressively stronger anti-slavery view, and while they didn’t outright say “You can’t be a Baptist if you own slaves” they did attempt to deny the ministry to slave owners, which caused an uproard since many southern [lower case s] Baptist ministers either owned slaves, were from slave owning families, or else had nothing against slavery.
A minister in Alabama named Basil Manly (an easy name to remember where I live for several reasons down here: there are two buildings named for him or his same-name son on the campus of the University of Alabama and he had 36,000 descendants all named Basil Manly, some of them prominent in politics and business) and who owned a plantation and many slaves was the leader in challenging this. There was a series of conferences and increasingly heated letters between the pro-slavery Baptists and the anti-slavery Baptists until in 1845 it officially just split off, after which the Southern Baptist unashamedly practiced slavery and the mainstream Baptists (then the majority, now the minority) finally just outright said “We are against slavery and you cannot belong to this church if you own slaves”.
Anyway, there’s a sort of echo of The Lost Cause rhetoric when some Southern Baptists today address this part of their history. Some will concede “there were doctrinal issues, one of them being slavery”, but many will claim “It was over the autonomy of the church” in the same way some Lost Causers argue “the Civil War was about state’s rights”.
While ordinarily I don’t judge anybody who was alive in the 1840s for being pro-slavery, especially if they were southern- a different time/a complicated issue [one that even if you believed it was immoral had no easy answers]/the Bible on which it’s based could be strongly argued to be pro-slavery/etc.- I think it’s more than trivia to bring up when the SBC attempts to influence politics. In addition to being pro slavery, many white SB churches were also very vocal in condemning the Civil Rights movement and supporting Jim Crow, and while MLK and other prominent black members were SBC the black SBC is a bit different from the white SBC down here in many ways, including purpose. So, while the “they were products of their time” can wash away some (certainly not all) sins, the rules are different when you’re talking about people who want to legislate morality due to infallible supernatural guidance: you’re not exactly batting a thousand yourself.
I have friends who are Southern Baptists and they’re the exception to my general hesitance to offend those in disagreement with me. I’ve told them when they expressed offense at something I’ve said about SBCs that “If you support their views on gays then you’re not my friend, and if you don’t support their views on gays then why are you Southern Baptists?”. I usually get a “we’ll agree to disagree” over it, I’ve lost a few friendships over it (no tears shed), and I’ve yet to get an answer to the latter that doesn’t involve daycare and-or fellowship.
This one gets my vote, should anyone care.
Penatacoitals?
Splitters!
You forgot Women.
Triskadeckacostals.
The American church of self-righteousness
The first stone casters
The Southern Republicans
Superior Capitalists Conference
The Artist Formerly Known as The Southern Baptist Church
and you forgot Freemasons. They hate us too you know!
The First And Only Church of We’re Right, You’re Wrong.
The We Demand Dominion Over You Convention.
I think the Duggers are Pentacoitals.
Reformed Church of Christ: Bigot.
Variation: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Bigots (The Morons)
And when other churches that are part of the Superior Capitalists Conference do well in electing politicians, congregations will all chant S-C-C, S-C-C, S-C-C!
The Church of Wet Sinners.