The Straight Dope Horror Movie.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I just finished watching Final Destination, one of the random, forgettable teen horror flicks of recent years. I came to a conclusion. We’d make an excellent horror movie.

I can see the hero being a demented troll with an attitude… In the teaser, he would go after a well respected but goofy regular in a messy way. This would be relayed to the boards. Shock would ensue… quickly turning to horror when another poster, connected to that one [sub]and most likely attractive and female[/sub], suddenly ended up with a blood laden keyboard. [sub]Um, ew.[/sub]

It would be a swath of murder, intrigue, and romance spanning the globe!

The key line: “Moderate this, bitch.”

The killer would die, of course, from an unfortunate bashing with an iMac. Basically, he would sit there trying to find the disk drive until his brain imploded. Oh, yes.

I would be so dead. I can see it now…

*Interior. Andygirl sits at her computer while talking on a portable phone.

        **Andy**

No, honey, don’t worry. Just because someone has been hunting down all the board members doesn’t mean that you have to worry. Delaware doesn’t even exist.

Cut to

Conser Dippydawg, who is walking upstairs, yielding his modem of death… He makes a noise. But wait! Andy is hearing impaired! She carries on, oblivious…

         **Andy continued**

I love you too, quiet…

She sees his reflection in the computer screen, picks up her Gay Agenda, and throws it at Conser Dippydawg in a swift motion. She then runs downstairs [sub]this is a smart horror movie, damn it![/sub] and makes a run for her car.

         **Andy**

Shit. I’m in a horror movie.

Realizing that the laws of horror have doomed her, as she is not a plucky blonde, she takes her own life by attempting to understand the deep, insightful comments into the nature of God and life in Homer’s shrooms post.

Conser Dippydawg approaches the car.

         **Conser**

Oh, bugger. <— [sub] a hint to the killer’s identity? Only time will tell![/sub]*
Anyone else care to contribute to the script?

2

How about real life?
like… I dunno… JDT showing up at a dopefest.
with an unsual package in his hands.

damn, that just gave ME chills.

3

Oh, oh, oh, could I be the annoying bespectacled know-it-all who thinks she’s discovered the killer’s true identity? I could become so distracted pursuing a red-herring suspect that I would fail to notice the signs pointing to the real killer, who would show up and do away with me in some particularly awful way. Perhaps I could end up dead in a deserted campus PC Lab with my skull crushed inside a flatbed scanner.

4

I wanna be the brain dead local sherrif. At first I will patronize the ‘alleged victims’, telling them that they are imagining things. Then, as I realize there is a killer out there, I will discover the killers identity. I will tell no one, of course, but go out into the foggy night without backup to make the arrest. I will be found later by the hero, hanging in a closet from a meathook.

5

Can I be the depressed scary one that sits back and tells everyone that they’re going to die slow painful deaths? Pretty please?

Kitty

6

I wanna be the “Ol’ Man Watson” character who lives in the spooky shack in the swamp. I’ll show up when it becomes clear that the killer possesses supernatural powers. I’ll then provide historical context and clues as to the nature of this power, so that the hero can do his or her job.

7

I wanna be the one who makes crappy jokes all the time and is the very first victim!
dodgy

8

Oh my god… I just typed an entire death story of mine and pressed “clear fields” afterwards…
if that isnt spooky I dont know what is…

I ll retype my death now…

9

dodgy sits in front of her computer in her snoopy-pajamas typing in random remarks to serious topics. You can hear her giggling about her stupid comments (she obviously thinks they are hilarious)
Her computer freezes - slightly angry she takes a letter knife and sticks it into the reboot hole of her gray Toshiba laptop (product placement). The computer reboots and you can hear her crappy old modem dialing.
Dodgy heads to the kitchen to make some tea and whistles an unrecognizable tune.
Suddenly she sees that the window is broken. She looks troubled. Frightened she takes the dustcoated baseball bat that stands in a corner of the room with her when she leaves the kitchen.
The camera remains in the floor, when she goes into the room where her laptop is and you can hear a single high scream. The bloodstained baseball bat rolls out of the room and you can hear the modem disconnecting.

10

Well, I know who I won’t be in this movie…the one who gets killed while having sex.

The killer will use my computer to send out invitations (with a virus) to a Dopefest. Then he or she will kill me by tossing me into a bathtub with my comuter.

Michi

11

computer. I am not going to be thrown into my tub with a comuter.

12

LOL
what s wrong with comuters? hehe

13

That’s it. You win. I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of the week, you bastard.

14

I want to be the eccentric artist who lives in a cabin in the woods who has painted a picture of the murderer because she had a strange dream in which she saw the murderer’s face…since the picture is of someone who didn’t post a picture on the picture pages, it can make the search easier.

But now that the murderer found out that I know what he/she looks like, I’ll have to sleep with a baseball bat with all the doors locked and lamps burning, cuddly but dangerous flaming kittens of death sleeping peacefully at my feet…

15

Except that’s not going to be very effective, because the only people that will off are Bear and me and maybe screech-owl.

16

I’ll be the director who makes a brief cameo appearance during the establishing shots.[sub]this is a smart horror movie, damn it![/sub]

17

As long as I can say

“Ruh? Raggy! Roh no!” a lot and eat Scooby Snacks and hang out with a stoner who likes to tell me

“Good goin’ Scoob!” all the time, I’ll be happy.

And oh yeah, it has to make that “doobidy-doobidy-doobidy-doobidy-doobidy” sound when I try to run but end up only running in place for a good 3 seconds.

18

I’ll be the psychotic clown! (Oh, smart horror movie) I’ll be the smart, psychotic clown!. If I can’t be the clown, I’ll be the guy who’s just passing through, and stops in to use the phone, because my car broke down, only to find out that the storm washed the bridge out, so a tow truck can’t come until tomorrow.

19

Lexicon - i’m all over that! I’ll bring the nine-foot-tall sandwiches and the bong…

broccoli!

20

I’ll be the one who first finds the killers secret room. Filled with strange “mementos” from his victims. I see the scanner with broken glass and imbedded teeth. The bloody bat, the Gay Agenda with bloody finger prints. Noticing what appears to be a letter on the table, I peer at the spidery script. A creaking floor board causes me to turn around. My last sight is of the shinny metallic edge of an axe as it enters my skull.