Straight Dope--The Movie.

Cafe Society
1

We have been contracted to start the filming of what is sure to be one of the greatest eoics of all time, “Straight Dope”. We need to make a few vital decisions.

  1. Who will Direct?

  2. Who will Produce?

  3. Who will play the part of Cecil?

  4. Who will play the parts of the mods?

  5. What will the setting be?

  6. What will the storyline be?
    I was thinking of some sort of SciFi Adventure in which Cecil and his rag-tag group of followers (mods) search the universe destroying all ignorant people with thier 1920’s style death rays. Cecil would be played by Arnold, of course, and the mods would be a bunch of two bit actors and actresses.

Suggestions?

2

I nominate Rutger Hauer for the part of Coldfire.

Manhattan could be the retired mod, peacefully tending his roses, who gets called back to go all bad-ass on the dirty ***'s.

3

Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, of course

4

Cecil’s running for governor of California? When did this happen? There’s so many names on the ballot, I can’t keep them all straight…

5

Ed Zotti plays Cecil Adams of course.

I think it should be a rollicking adventure hopping around the galaxy a la Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

6

Eugene Levy in the role of Cecil.
Directed by John Waters.
Produced by Mel Brooks.
Mods will be played by the now un-employed Orcs in LOTR.
The setting is Washington D.C.
The White House
Plot:
“Fighting ignorance in the belly of the evil dumb.”

7

I think we should get Johnny Depp to play Cecil.

The plot:

-The Great Cecil Adams, in his starship, the Fighting Ignorance, gallavant around the cosmos in search of the elusive Artifact of the Ancients, the Gem of Wonders, which will bestow brilliance and intelligence on every being in the universe.

Standing in their way, however, is the evil Emperor Bo Diddly and his tyrannical, gun-banning Imperium. In his new spiffy superweapon space station, the Toothpaster, Emperor Bo Diddly is trying to hunt down all the insurgents to his reign, and seek out the Gem of Wonders himself, so that he may harness its mystical powers for his own gain, keeping his subjects ignorant and easy to control and manipulate.

To solve the trouble, Cecil has to go find Manhattan, a now-retired mod, played by Clint Eastwood. Manny’s strong-arm tactics are precisely what is needed to solve the crisis; he recruits a young Coldfire (played by Edward Norton), and trains him in the ways of the Mod. After spending fifteen minutes breezing through a lifetime of training, Coldfire hops into his phallus-shaped starfighter, dubbed the Clogcock, and single-handedly takes down the entire armada of the Imperium.

Finally, in the mystical chamber of Wonder, Emperor Bo Diddly and Cecil Adams face each other in a daring clash, fighting with their powerful spitesabers. Finally, Emperor Bo Diddly makes the climactic revelation: “Cecil… I am your father… AND your brother!” The two redneck hicks then down a quart of moonshine and play their banjos all day long, and live happily ever after.

8

I don’t think anyone is up to the task of playing Cecil. He should be an off-screen presence like Charlie of Charlie’s Angels.

Maybe we can get Ed to do the voice.

9

Straight Dope The Movie: Attack of the Trolls

Act 1
Scene 1: xash is promoted from Moduwan to full Moderator. He is knighted with the Ban Stick[sup]TM[/sup] and given his very own Mod Hat[sup]TM[/sup]. Celebration ensues.

Scene 2: manhattan turns over his Mod Hat[sup]TM[/sup] and Ban Stick[sup]TM[/sup] to Lynn Bodoni. manhattan (sadly): I just can’t be the f’ing hall monitor any more. You know how it is. Lynn is saddened, but understands.

Scene 3: At the Lair of the Trolls (cleverly disguised as the One-Trick-Pony Chowder and Marching Society). The trolls are all upset because they’ve been banned. However, then Justhink rushes in excitedly. After trying to decipher his confused ramblings, they eventually descend into a game of charades to try to figure it out, with hilarious results. However, they eventually get the message. manhattan has retired – this could be their chance! MSerlin opens a door to reveal thousands of bored and immature teenagers, out of school for the summer. He suggests that they be the ones to spam the board with bad grammer and stupid, trollish ideas. The rest of the Society immediately agrees to his plan, except for Jack Dean Tyler, who is concerned about the foreskins of the teenagers.

Act 2
Scene 1: We open with a composite of scenes wherein xash proves his capabilities as a moderator (moving threads, warning people, etc. All of these tasks are done with DBZ-like moves, naturally.) The only fly in his pudding is the fact that he just hasn’t been Pitted yet. Why, no one’s even called him a Nazi! In a poignant monologue, he compares his paltry showing to that of Coldfire and Gaudere. John Corrado cheers him up however, by noting that not all mods are cut out to be jack-booted Nazis. With a renewed sense of purpose, xash continues in his duties.

Scene 2: manhattan attempts to adjust to civilian life, with hilarious results.

Scene 3: The Administrators are gathered in Ed Zotti’s office looking over the latest figures. There seems to be a spike in trolling, greater than that normal for the summertime. As they are puzzling over this information, a telegram comes in. The nefarious OTPCAMS has declared that they are behind the surge in trolling, and they won’t stop unless they all get their posting privileges reinstated. All the Admins are horrified. Tubadiva: So what do we do now?

What happens in Act 3? Will xash save the day? Will he need help from manhattan? Or will both of them need help from a higher power?

10

I vote for a crime-fighting action movie, like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, except done better. :slight_smile:

11

I like both SPOOFE’s and SuperGnat’s plot outlines very much. Actually SPOOFE’s looks like an action movie, while SuperGnat’s sounds like it would work well as a musical.

Act 1, Scene 2: ballad duet between manhattan and Lynn Bodoni: I just can’t be the f’ing hall monitor any more.

Act 2, Scene 1: (We can’t all be) Nazi jack-booted thugs.

Act 2, Scene 3: TubaDiva solo: So what do we do now?

12

Souldn’t one of the lead villians be Jack Chick/Phelps/Other random Psychotic fundie Christian Asshole?

13

Ooh, a musical, that would be nice! I don’t think I could write song lyrics, though.

14

Sounds like a Ghostbusters knock off, to me.

David B: Imagine this twinkie represents the normal level of trolling and sock-puppetry on the SDMB…

15

We need 1920’s style death rays! Gotta have 'em. Someone also needs wander through the film at random intervals and say, “Hi Opal!” and we need to have a “Gotcha ya!” type ending for the thing, doncha think?

16

At least one scene needs to take place at a pie shop.

17

We have to put the cast together.

CECIL ADAMS… The Voice of James Earl Jones
ED ZOTTI… Morgan Freeman (I know, he doesn’t look like Ed)
MANHATTAN… Kevin Spacey
COLDFIRE… Rutger Hauer
LYNN BODONI… Sharon Stone
MEBUCKNER… George Clooney
DECEMBER… Arnold Schwartzenegger
COLLOUNSBURY… Denis Leary
JACK DEAN TYLER… Crispin Glover
SPOOFE… Hayden Christiansen
ANTHRACITE… Lucy Liu
ESPRIX… David Hyde Pierce

I must of course cast myself:

RICKJAY… Oliver Platt

Any others?

18

NOCLUEBOY (that’s me!) will be played by Steve Martin.

The flashback scenes of my childhood will be played by Gary Coleman.

19

TUBADIVA… Julianne Moore
JDAVIS… Dan Aykroyd
EUTYCHUS… Christian Slater
UKULELE IKE… Samuel Jackson

20

Having met Uke, I can tell you that this is inspired casting.