The Straight Dope Roadtrip Comedy Movie Game

Game Premise: Like with the Horror Movie game and the less fun Epic/Adventure Movie game (only less fun because it didn’t get an ending), several Dopers find themselves in the confines of a movie. This time the movie is a Roadtrip Comedy movie. All dopers, but especially brats, are invited to assign themselves roles in our next big movie.

Rules:

  1. You may write yourself into/ back into the movie at any time you like. If by some chance you die in this film, miraculous resurrections are allowed, as long as you make them plausible. (needs only to be as plausable as : Buffy’s, Gandalf’s or Mulder’s
    returns)

  2. You can only interact with Dopers who have written themselves in(do not write in any doper but yourself), but once they join the game they’re fair game for anyone to write about. You may also introduce and interact with any non doper/animal/monster/fairy folk/mineral you wish to write in.

  3. Please speak of yourself in the 3rd person and put character names in BOLD type

  • though not a rule, it would be somewhat helpful if, when you intially write yourself in (or soon after), you give others an brief idea of the gender and appearance of your character. Doesn’t need to reflect reality, btw.

Bear in mind that you can play two ways: you can write often, and have direct imput about your character’s role, or you can sit back and watch what others do with your character. Your level of involvement beyond inserting yourself is entirely up to you.


[Credits role by quickly]

The Straight Dope Roadtrip Movie

As Elfkin pumped gas into the garnishly decorated bus – once a former school bus, but now painted black and decorated with aliens and ufos- she wondered why she volunteered to drive. Just driving to the station she gotten several funny looks, and it really wasn’t much like driving a sixteen person van full of books after all. She figured as long as she didn’t have to back up she’d be fine, but the tolls were going to be tricky.

Sighing as the pump took forever to fill, she wedged the gas cap into the pump handle since someone had broken it so it wouldn’t stay by itself and pulled a scrunchie out of her pocket to tie back her long red hair. Inevitably someone would have the windows down, and the last thing she needed while driving the bus was her own hair blowing around and blinding her.

It was still fifteen minutes before she was supposed to pick people up. Hopefully the tank would be full long before then. The road trip had seemed like such a good idea the night before. Of course it hadn’t been her idea to “borrow” the bus, no, that had been the brainchild of…

BraheSilver, who hadn’t had the funds to rent one on the up-and-up, but knew a guy who knew a guy who could liberate this behemoth, no questions asked, from a tour group of senior citizens heading for Roswell. Elfkin had found the bus as promised in an abandoned drive-in theater. Brahe was supposed to have met her there but never showed, and Elfkin had given up waiting and had taken the bus to the gas station before anybody came around asking questions. He’d turn up.

As Elfkin walked around the bus checking the tires, she heard a faint thumping from the storage section beneath the seats. She retrieved the keys and unlocked the compartment panel, revealing a grimy BraheSilver, who was pounding at the floor of the passenger section from underneath with a small sledgehammer. He dropped the hammer and turned to face Elfkin as light poured into the cramped space.

“What are you doing in there?” Elfkin asked.

“I was trying to get in!” Brahe replied, wiping sweat from his eyes and running a hand through his beard. “I got to the drive-in and there was the bus, but I saw the keys were still in the ignition. I picked the lock to the storage bin and was opening a hole to the cabin, but the panel shut itself behind me and somebody started the engine. How’d you open the cargo storage?”

Elfkin held up the bus keys. They jangled merrily. “The keys were in the ignition to keep the air conditioning on. The door was unlocked, you spaz. Now clean yourself off, we’re hitting the road in a second. I don’t have the cash for all this gas, and the clerk’s going to be pretty mad when we pull out without paying.”

The tires squealed and a dust cloud formed behind the bus as it peeled out of the station. The clerk, true to prediction, was not happy to see this and chased after it for a moment before he succumbed to the combination of pelting gravel and diesel fumes and fell onto the shoulder.

“Who’s first on the list?” Elfkin asked, handing Brahe a map and the list of names.

Brahe turned the map around a few times before answering. “Uhhh… Looks like…”

Ezekiel?” Elfkin asked, “People still give kids names like that? He must be one of yours”

“Never heard of him. Probably new,” Brahe said.

“I’m glad we have such a stringent selection process. We’re coming up on it.” Elfkin said as she looked at the bench near the curb. “If he’s the one with the mullet, I say we just drive off.”

“El…”**Brahe ** started

"I know, it’s jus-here he comes."Elfkin said dejectedly
Ezekiel was not the one with the mullet, but the other, utterly unremarkable inhabitant of the bench. The man of middle height who approached the bus was too clean to be homeless and too scruffy to be much else. He had the sort of half-in beard it takes a high schooler weeks to grow, though he could have easily been 30. A collarless black dress shirt was somewhat undermined by tattered khakis. As he stepped up toward Elfkin, his eyes gave an impression somewhere between boredem and disdain.

“Hey.” He said, eyeing the breadth of the bus. “Sit anywhere?,” he inquired. A nod from Brahe and **Zeke ** headed off to the back.

The bus was again in motion before Elfkin turned on Brahe “sounds like he’ll be loads of laughs on this trip. And thanks for introducing me, by the way, very chivalrous of you”

“I told you before, I don’t-” Brahe’s defense was interupted from the rear of the bus.

“You guys know theres a old guy back here?” Ezekiel asked, directing it as much to the bus itself as any of her inhabitants.

“Where?” Elfkin queried, as she pulled over and **Brahe ** headed to the back.

“In this little bathroom cabinet thing” Zeke replied.

“This is a converted school bus, these are just storage, not bathrooms” Brahe corrected him.

“Should’ve told him that.” **Ezekial ** said as he jestured to an older man wearing a Star Trek uniform, half of which was around his ankles. As Elfkin turned to bring the bus to a halt, the old man, without the aid of the cabinet door, spilled out into the isle.

“Is he dead?” Elfkin asked when she saw the Trekkie fall.

Brahe nodded and, with his fingers split in a vulcan gesture, closed the mans eyes. The three of them looked back and forth between themselves for a moment before Zeke lifted the body and, as respectfully as is possible in such a situation, forced it into the cabinet. They then silently walked to the front of the bus. Brahe sat down behind the wheel and started the behemoth up, while Elfkin took the seat immediately behind him, leaving Zeke to stand by the door, in flagrant violation of several laws.

“We should probably take care of that.” Brahe said after a few miles.

“If we’re gonna be on this bus a while we’ll need to clean out that cabinet too.” Ezekiel added.

“I wondered why you came back up here with us,” Elfkin said, playfully hitting his leg.

Zeke smiled wryly “There are two things I don’t care to ride near. Bodies and feces. And they’re both in that cabinet back there. So where to next?”

Driving with one eye and reading with the other, Brahe said “We’re in luck, our next stop has a carwash and a morgue.”

“I’ll bet the realtor’s use that very selling point.” Zeke adds.

Elfkin can’t help but smile as she reads the next name on the list. “We’re gonna be right on time to pick up…”

Elfkin can’t help but smile as she reads the next name on the list. "We’re gonna be right on time to pick up…

tick at good ol’ Hamilton High. Hamilton was the kind of school that was infamous for many things, in fact the stories surrounding the school had travelled so far and wide they had become the stuff of legends. In 1958, during the school’s opening day, a student recieved the first ever 3 year detention in history for using the tannoy to play a rather provocative recording of Prinicipal Stone and what appeared to be his wife until she said, “Bob never did that before.” At the boy’s graduation he proudly collected his diploma butt naked to the roaring applause of the audience, the dumbfounded look of the new Prinicipal West, and the eager eyes of a certain secretary, Ms. Betty Cartwright. In 1988 the school was closed down for six months when a faulty gas pipe in Chem Lab and a misthrown joint lead to the destruction of the Science Building. The kid in question escaped relatively unharmed and uncaught, and continued to do so despite once covering the football pitch in birdseed, filling the principal’s car with sand and burning to the ground Ol’ Faithful, a Willow tree that had stood longer than the town itself and left this world with the final words, “But it said inflammable.”

To the highschool students around the country, these men were almost heroes. To tick, they were father and older brother, two men who he knew he could never compete with…well, not for the lack of trying. As the school bus turned the corner a woman’s voice could be heard in the distance. It took a few seconds of confusion to comprehend that the “Ugh, ohhhh yeah, just like that, push it” was coming from a tannoy, the school’s tannoy to be exact. The school was now in sight and what appeared to be smoke was pouring from the windows. elfkin knew what was coming. As the bus pulled beside the school, the main doors burst open and out leaped tick, a bandana pulled over his face, his jacket falling from his shoulders as he ran with all his might to a friendly voice coming from some great, black contraption. “Come on tick” cried elfkin as a second figure emerged from the smoke, that of Prinicpal Yorke. Everything had gone according to plan for the young prankster until he found himself being chased down by a former champion sprinter. His only hope now lay in his friends, as he gave them instructions.

“GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO…”

The wheels squealed as the bus lurched forward and Brahe ran to the back and flung open the emergency door. tick was 10 feet away and slowly closing, his persuer not far behind. Zeke stood by to help out. “Ten bucks he doesn’t make it.” Brahe threw him a filthy look, “This is serious…make it twenty.” Ten feet became eight, which became six. Brahe and Ezekiel held out their hands to grab him, give him that vital second to escape. He leapt forward in a last ditch attempt and landed squarely in the door frame and was pulled to safety. elfkin turned round and smiled, “It’s good to see you again.” Everyone looked at her shocked or rather looked at what was in front of them. elfkin turned just in time to see the remnants of a market stall break apart around her and its irate owner screaming abuse. She screamed and turned back to her comrades who were also screaming. She swung the steering wheel around and braked hard, destroying two fruit stands, half a dozen cardboard boxes, and a strange collection of assorted fish. Everyone was quiet for a few seconds, then elfkin took a deep breath and sped off again out of the market and straight into the path of Prinicpal Yorke. The brakes squealed again as they approached a grinning Mr. Yorke and stopping just a foot away from him a split second of desperation passed between them. That was until, from the sharp braking, a large squid landed squarely on the prinicpal’s head, pushing him to the ground which knocked him out. “It’s good to see you too,” said tick in the back. Ezekiel was now giggling from all the excitement. Brahewas sitting with a face of disbelief. “I can’t believe what I’ve got myself into. I thought it would at least be smooth sailing until we picked up…”

[Curse you, Tick, posting while I was typing this… thank Og for preview. :wink: ]

Just down the road… CandidGamera sighed as he locked the door of his latest business failure. He adjusted a stray lock of brain hair in the pale reflection visible in the locked door, and adjusted his glasses on his nose.

“A combination carwash and morgue, what was I thinking?”

He mused quietly for a moment, thinking back on his previous efforts… the bookstore/bondage parlor “Leather Bound” … the restaurant/tanning salon “Well Done”. Shaking his head, he broke from his reverie, moving towards his car to get his luggage ready for the little vacation … ah, to be away from filthy cars and filthy corpses for a week. Maybe new inspiration would come.

But a sinking feeling overtook him as he spied the oncoming vehicle.

He waved as the motley crew approached, and as the bus pulled in, made his way over with the suitcase. “How-do, folks. Glad to see you made it on time. …sniff What’s that smell?”

As one, Ezekiel, Elfkin, Tick, and Brahe turned to point at a storage bin in the back of the bus.

CandidGamera sighed. It was going to be one of those days.

“Hey, wait - wasn’t someone else supposed to meet here for pick-up?” interjected Elfkin.

Gamera blinked, and nodded. “That’s right - I’d forgotten about…”

“…me?” said Ghanima, walking up to them as if out of nowhere. “Nice van.” She took a final drag from a cigarette already smoked to the butt, and flicked it across the street in a smooth, practiced motion. “Who’s the stiff?” she asked, flipping her dark brown bangs out of her eyes for the fortieth time that day.
“Just some random geriatric Trekker, we found him in the closet, luckily Gamera here has just the spot for him.” Ezekiel gestured toward the morgue.
“Looks like he died of boredome, probably while watching Deep Space Nine…” muttered Ghanima.
Elfkin broke in “Look, can we just ditch this dead guy, wash the stinkin’ van and get the hell out of here? We’ve got to get going soon, other wise we’ll be late for…”

At that moment, a spotless and unmarked gray sedan zoomed up and screeched to a halt. The door opened and out popped a man about 35 years old, with short brown hair and glasses, wearing a three-piece navy pinstripe suit. and carrying a black briefcase that matched his belt and shoes. He looked very out of place in this dusty and mostly deserted parking lot. He approached the group warily, his eyes flicking from the bus to the group to the surrounding area and back.

 "I'm **Rufus Xavier**. Which one of you is **CandidGamera**?"

Meanwhile in a lavish hotel room in Las Vegas…

The messenger plopped a blue bagl on the big desk.

“I got the full payment from the New Orleans group.”

As he said this he opened the bag and poured out a varitey of boxer shorts, socks, t-shirts, jeans and book by Phillip K. Dick.

“This is not the right bag!” the messenger exclaimed.

“Where is the right bag?” the boss demanded.

“I dont’ know but I can track it.”

“Well find it and my 4 million dollars by Sunday or you’re dead.”

After the messenger left the room the boss turned to one of her associates.

“Follow him!”

“Yes Miss _” With that the woman who had trained as a ninja left the room.

Meanwhile out on a lonely streach of the old Route 66 a car slows down and Zebra is forceably ejected. A few moments his blue bag comes flying out.

"If you didn’t want know how JFK was abducted by aliens during WWII, why did you ask me what time it was? he shouted at the car that was rapidly leaving the scene. He tried to open his bag but the zipper seemed to jammed.

“Great” he muttered.

He sat down on the bag and looked down the empty highway and, in a great expression of hope, stuck his thumb out to catch a ride.

The roar of an engine attracted the attention the attention of Elfkin’s group. Turning, they beheld a shining, chromalicious motorcycle topped by a James Dean lookalike. He got off the bike and sauntered on over to the group.

“Are you Nightwatch Trailer?” Elfkin exclaimed. She’d never met Nightwatch is person - they’d only conversed on the internet. Somehow she had expected someone…dorkier.

The dashing young man replied, “I certainly am Nightwatch,” he glanced at something in his hand, “Trailer. I hear there’s a roadtrip in progress. Well, ladies,” he flexed his bulging muscles, “the only roadtrip I’ll be taking is the roadtrip into your hearts.” Flex, flex, bulge.

Swooooon.


Meanwhile, the real Nightwatch shakily pulled his tall, thin frame into his Corolla outside the library. The mugger had been kind - he hadn’t taken Nightwatch’s life, only his wallet, identity, money, livelihood, happiness, and a note with directions to his group’s roadtrip rendezvous (on which was also the tantalizing note from Elfkin, “there will be women!”). Thankfully he had memorized the directions beforehand.

And he still had his car…but only enough gas to make it a few miles. He wasn’t going to make it to the meeting place, nor could he make it home to grab some money for gas. He ruffled his dark hair, sighing. Throwing the car into drive, he decided to head for the rendezvous anyway and see what happened. Only a few minutes outside the city, though, he beheld a dejected figure standing at the side of the road, thumbing for a lift. Maybe he’ll pay for a ride so I can get some gas. Nightwatch stopped the car and the man walked up to the window.

“Going my way?” the stranger asked.

As it turned out, the stranger lived down the road from the road trip meeting point. Lucky.

“I don’t have much money on me, but I can pay for gas,” said the hitchhiker.

Not much money? Nightwatch had just noticed the corner of a hundred-dollar bill sticking out of the bag the man carried…

In the bright, sanitized space of the morgue CandidGamera was just putting the finishing touches to the dead body. Cause of death was quite obvious once the man was stripped down. “Oooh, what a way to go,” said Rufus undisturbed by the sight of a dead body, “some men would be quite jealous.”

“Well he had a little help,” replied Gamera pointing to a bottle of Viagra, only two pills left. “and his heart just couldn’t pump the blood fast enough.” Both men gave a moment’s silence out of respect before the old man was wheeled over to be placed in the freezer. They lined him up and started to push his feet in when both came to a problematic conclusion. “It’s too big?” said Rufus confused. It seemed the old man was not ready to go. “What are we going to do?”

“I guess we gotta cut it off.” replied Gamera. Both men flinched. While the sight of a dead body did nothing to produce an emotional response, even mention of genitalia destruction was quite different. With all the time they had spent preparing the body the others were now restless. Ghanima now wandered into the morgue to see what was taking so long. “So what if he won’t fit. Just cut the damn thing off and let’s go.”

“We can’t just cut it off.” said Gamera, Rufus nodding in agreement.

“Oh for heaven’s sake.” Ghanima pushed the men aside and grabbed hold of the mighty phallus. Without a pause for reflection she bent the phallus in half, two squeals behind her covering any sounds of torn tissue. “Now pack him and let’s book.”

Tiggrkitty had left the house at 6 am, this morning to get to the meeting place in time. Why in the world did they pick such a remote spot, she wondered out loud.

She zig-zagged through traffic, until she saw the big orange road signs. “Damn it! I hate road construction, why can we not go more than three days without the damn highway department tearing something else up?” she exclaimed and talking to no one but herself. She down shifted and merged in behind an eighteen wheeler, carrying chickens. “Oh, wonderful, this is JUST what I need’, she said as chicken feathers came floating at her. She glanced around the floorboard of the passenger seat for her CD case. “BLAST! I forgot my damn CDs!” this trip is not going well at all, she thought to herself. She turned on the radio and hit scan. Nothing but country music came humming out of the 5 car speakers, so she switched it off. “I would rather listen to nothing than that stuff”, she muttered to herself.

After being in traffic single file for the past 50 miles, the lanes started to open up. **Tiggrkitty ** downshifted into third and floored it, the engine of her BMW Z3 Roadster purred into action and she swung by the chicken truck in a blur. The truck driver laughed and honked his horn at the redhead flying past him with feathers whirling from the enterior of the convertable. Silly woman even had feathers in her hair.

Tiggrkitty jammed the car through its gears and got back up to cruising speed. She really hated being late for anything and that road construction had definitately not helped the matter. Another hour down the road she saw her exit. She whipped the car off the interstate and followed directions to the meeting place. “I hope they haven’t left yet”, she said to no one in particular including herself. Had she always talked to herself she wondered.

As she neared the parking lot she saw a bus with no one around, and wondered if that was the vehicle they were going in. She pulled into the lot and parked the BMW, and put the windows and top up.

As she got out of the car ….

… she noticed Wolf sprawled and semi-concious in the parking lot. Tiggrkitty noticed that Wolf had been subjected to the harsh desert environment for several days. Wolf was alert enough to say that he desperately needed water. Tiggrkitty quickly fetched a bottle of “Generic H[sub]2[/sub]O” (Evian’s lower-priced alternative) , and allowed Wolf to drink. Since this was Wolf’s first foray into the genre of SDMB story-telling, he decided to make his “story intro” brief and let others remark about his “babe magnet” charm and his 200+ IQ.

As noname , alighted from his bike, he constantly reminded himself that he was not noname, but Nightwatch Trailer. It would take some time to memorize that name, though. Nightwatch Trailer, Nightwatch Trailer, Nightwatch Trailer
Mugging the tall skinny guy outside the library had been easy. The guy did not know what hit him. And with his bulging frame, it could have been worse. The haul from that mugging had been quite useless. Just enough to top up his tank. But then the note took his notice. Women!! Lots of them!!! Now THAT’S winning a lottery.
As he alighted from the motorcycle, he eyed the women. Hmm, two. And four men. Competetion was tough, and he didn’t like sharing. None of the men seemed like they could measure up to him. He was the only stud around here. Confidence blostered, he headed towards the lady who had called him out. “Hi” he spoke in his most seductive baritone voice,“I’m Nightwatch Trailer.”
“Uh, I’m Elfkin. We chatted on the net?” she answered.
“Of course we did, how could I forget!” Nightwatch said, making a mental note to stay away from this lady, lest his cover be blown. He then turned his attention to the other female. She kept flipping her brown bangs all the time. “Now she seems easy,” Nightwatch thought,“unless of course, if she is married. Then I will just have turn my charms tap to fullest for her.”
He walked up to Ghanima. “Hi. I’m Non, uh, Nightwatch, um, Trailer” he said, biting his tongue for the near faux pas. Ass he said this, he again flexed his bulging muscles so that she could get a claser looks at his marvellous physique. “I’m sex appeal poured into a pair of jeans”, He though to himself.
Ghanima turned to face the new person, and eyed the bulging muscles. “Oh Hi, I’m Ghanima”, she said,“Could you give us a little help here?”
noname was taken aback when he saw the corpse.
“Man, this is a weird party”, he thought. His eyes then fell on the bottle of viagra lying nearby. “Looks good,” He thought. Suddenly, the thought of wild orgies filled his mind. But he wouldn’t need the viagra. The lesser dopes could have those. “I am super alpha”, he pated himself mentally.
They then carried the body inside the morgue. noname waitied outside, as CandidGamera , Rufus Xavier and Ghanima dealt with the corpse. He occassionaly peeked inside to see. CandidGamera and Rufus Xavier seemed to be hesistating about something. As Ghanima, stepped forward, they moved and he saw what the hesitation was all about. Man, this dope really went out in style. Lucky Bastard. Way to go…
“Did she really do that???”
noname could not believe what he just saw Ghanima do. He instinctively. pulled his feet tight together and covered his crotch.
Ouch.
Murder.
Torture.
The words just flooded his mind.
Presently, Ghanima came out and saw noname, pale as a ghost, mouth open in shock, holding his crotch.
“Are you alright?” she asked, concerned.
noname ran away from her, as fast as he could. This was not good.
Meanwhile…

Tiggrkitty looked over at the disheveled and apparently homeless person sitting in the front seat of her very tiny, very expensive automobile. “So let me get this straight…you’re in the Brat Pack too?” wolf_meister nodded vigorously, shaking the dirty droplets of water that had dribbled down his face and hair all over the spotless interior. (She wrinkled her nose slightly at the grimy man as she smiled politely.) Still, there was something about this guy, she thought, he is a Doper after all…and I still haven’t gotten all of the feathers out of my hair, so I guess I shouldn’t laugh…she sighed and settled in to wait for the rest of the Brat Pack to arrive. “Um, hey, wolf_meister, did you happen to bring any good CDs?”

Meanwhile…

“Sheesh, you tear one dead guy’s dick off and suddenly you’re Camille Paglia around here,” mumbled Ghanima as she washed her hands. What was that Nightwatch Trailer guy’s problem? There was something not right about that guy, she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. But there was something else about the guy she’d sure like to put her finger on. She wasn’t sure of her chances at this point, though. Maybe give it some time, get him liquored up. Or something. “I guess some guys just don’t like women who take charge,” she muttered, then loudly said “Alright, peeps, is the van ready to go? I think we’re late; the others are going to be pissed about waiting around for us. Brahe, ‘tick, Zeke, elfkin, Gamera, Rufus, Nightwatch!! Let’s move like we got a purpose! I CALL SHOTGUN!!!”

CandidGamera dragged his foot. " Don’t you think we ought to send the casket through for a waxing? It’ll look better."

" Look better for what, the cops who find the body abandoned here?" 'tick smirked.

" Oh my God! If that happens, I’d go to jail!" CandidGamera . " Didn’t you hear about what happened to that guy who left all those bodies in his yard a couple of years ago?"

**Elfkin ** nodded. " Sure. They even made a CSI:Miami episode out of it." Everyone stared at her. " What? I like the cast better than the Vegas show. Rory was in Empire Records and Love and a .45 and Adam was on Roswell…"

" I’ve got to stay here until the authorities come and get him." CandidGamera said with a mournful glance at the peckerless dead guy.

" Nah, I’ve got a better idea." Brahe said. " Earlier this morning I was stuck in the storage compartment under the bus. It’s pretty big. We can just throw the casket in there and then dump it somewhere along the way."

" Won’t a coffin abandoned somewhere attract a lot of attention?" Ghanima asked.

" Damn you, being reasonable…" Brahe muttered under his breath. Louder he said, " Nah, we just toss it off the beaten path. The woods or something." He looked at Elfkin where was it that we said last night that were going?"

" Roswell. So the bus won’t stick out."

" There is a lot of desert in that area…" no name mused. " Sounds good to me, who’s going to give me a hand with the casket?"

" Not me." Elfkin declared. " I don’t mind driving, but I draw the line at touching dead people."

In the end Brahe and 'tick helped him while CandidGamera locked up his business. Five minutes later they were on the open highway.

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile, in the distance, the faint silhouette of a Corolla approached the car wash / morgue. The bus was already on it’s way, minus one Mr. Xavier who was about to leave in his own car when he noticed the not too impressive arrival of the car, it’s engine spluttering on fumes. As it came to an ubrupt halt, the driver burst out with a look of desperation. “Am I too late?” he thought to himself. He was only late by half an hour. Surely they could have waited that long. Rufus approached him. “You folks lost?” he asked. Zebra now climbed out of the vehicle himself and wandered slowly over. He had a look of abject paranoia about him. “We could say the same about you, mister!”, he blurted out, “Why, it’s mighty peculiar to see a suit like you out by a…car wash and MORGUE!?” Rufus was a little taken aback, Nightwatch still looked worried and Zebra stood awestruck at a promotion sign offering free turtle wax with every embalming. “I’m sorry about my friend, sir,” said Nightwatch, “It’s just I was meant to meet some people here and-”

“Sorry kid,” said a not much older Rufus, “they just left. I’m Rufus Xavier.”

“I didn’t even know I place like this existed…” muttered Zebra out loud.

“I’m Nightwatch Trailer,” a small framed hand outstretched in welcome.

Nightwatch?? Is this a joke?”

“…it’s almost a work of art…”

“I’ve just met Nightwatch, big, muscular guy, left on his bike with elfkin

“…it’s like someone knew my fantasies and made them happen…”

“Look, I’m Nightwatch, I’ve even got ID to pr-”. A look of deduction swept over the man. The wheels were finally turning. Two and two finally made four.

“YOU SONOFABITCH!!” he screamed, his arms flailing in the air. “Sonofabitch mugged me, took my identity and now he’s gonna take elfkin too. That lowdown, rotten, piece o’…when I get my hands on him I’m gonna…Ugggghh!! PAIN!!!”

Rufus looked worried, not only because he was stuck with one man miming strangulation and another with a carwash/morgue fetish, but also because there was now a possibly dangerous criminal riding along side that bus. Rufus entered work mode. He seamlessly spun around and walked briskly to the car. “Your car’s had it,” he called out, “everyone in mine.” “You coming?” Nightwatch asked Zebra. “Do I get to meet the owner of this place?” Both men nodded and in less than respectable fashion dove into the back seats as the car wheelspun out onto the open road. They were in such a hurry none of them saw the Z3 that had to skid across the road to avoid them. “Is that them?” asked tiggrkitty. “I recognise the driver,” replied wolf_meister, “let’s roll.”

The spotless gray sedan rocketed down the two-lane highway, Rufus behind the wheel, cool on the outside but tense on the inside. He had to catch up to that bus and warn the occupants about the imposter in their midst.
“Okay you guys, here’s the plan,” Rufus snarled to the guys in the backseat. “I’m going to pull up next to the bus, and one of you will get the driver’s attention. Get her to pull over. Then we’ll see what we can do about the phony Nightwatch.” As the pair in the backseat voiced their assent, the bus came into view, and appeared to grow rapidly larger in the windshield.
“Get ready,” said Rufus, and the sedan glided over the dotted yellow line into the oncoming traffic lane. “AAAAH!” screamed the occupants in the backseat as the 18-wheeler bore down on them from straight ahead. The car quickly swerved back behind the bus. “Sorry about that, you two,” said Rufus calmly. “You okay back there?”
Nightwatch muttered something unintelligible and Zebra was completely silent. “Okay,” said Rufus, “Let’s try that again.” He inched the car over to the left, peeked around the bus and saw that it was clear. He quickly gunned the motor and the sedan pulled smoothly up alongside the bus. Nightwatch rolled down his window, stuck his head out, waved his arms frantically and yelled “Pull over! Pull over!”
Elfkin, behind the wheel of the bus, noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. She looked down and saw Nightwatch waving frantically and yelling something. She opened her window. “What?” She yelled into the slipstream. Farther back in the bus, Noname also noticed this event, and recognized Nightwatch immediately. He began to form a plan to deal with this unexpected threat.
Suddenly Rufus saw an oncoming car. He hit the brake and pulled back behind the bus as the Humvee whooshed past with 6 inches of clearance. Nightwatch hit his head on the window frame and Zebra was suddenly and violently ill.
“What the hell is going on back there?” Rufus yelled over the sounds of retching coming from behind him. “I just had this car detailed!”
“Sorry, man,” Zebra moaned, “I’m prone to motion sickness.”
“Well, clean it up right now!”
Zebra picked up his bag and again tried to open the jammed zipper. “Hey, Nightwatch, help me out with this,” he said, tapping him on the shoulder. Nightwatch had sticking his head out the window to avoid the stench of puke. Now, holding his breath as best he could, he pulled his Leatherman out of his pocket, opened the pliers, and started working on the zipper.
Grunting with strain, veins bulging in his forehead, Nightwatch struggled to open the bag, when suddenly a great tear opened in the seam and the car was filled with a blizzard of $100 bills, of which thousands of dollars worth flew out the window and fluttered gently onto the highway shoulder behind them.

Grunting with strain, veins bulging in his forehead, Nightwatch struggled to open the bag, when suddenly a great tear opened in the seam and the car was filled with a blizzard of $100 bills, of which thousands of dollars worth flew out the window and fluttered gently onto the highway shoulder behind them.

Naturally this caused traffic in all directions to skid to a halt. A police cruiser, siren wailing loudly, drew up, causing the phony Nightwatch to duck out of sight.
Meanwhile, as Rufus, the real Nightwatch and Zebra hurried over to the bus, a bearded chap with an unsuitable wardrobe wandered into view.

/English accent ON/ “I say! Is this the woad twip? Sowwy I’m late, but you chaps have so many time zones that it’s hard to keep twack. Oh, I’m glee, by the way.” /English accent ON/

elfkin greeted the latest arrival,“Hello glee , com’on in. You’re lucky. If it hadn’t been for the traffic, we wouldn’t have stopped.”
[English accent on (I hope)]"Oh weavly? Well, it’s jovy good then. Hello everyone, I’m glee "[/English accent on (I hope)]glee said, turning to the occupants in the bus.
Everyone welcomed him and he took a seat near the storage compartment of the bus. As he sat down, he noticed that everyone in the bus was staring at him. The muscualr guy looked like he either he had seen a ghost or he was going to faint. come to think of it, he had never seen a muscular person faint. The woman with the dark brown bangs seemed most at ease, while all others looked like they were expecting some reaction from him.
He cleared his throat, “Nice day for a twip, I say”

Meanwhile, as Rufus , Nightwatch and Zebra neared the bus, they were stopped by a policeman who had just arrived.
“Sir, could you step over here please,” he asked them.
“Listen officer, I’m glad you came, because on that bus, there is a man posing as me. He mugged me in the morning and took away my ID. And now, I am scared that he might harm the occupants of the bus as well.” Nightwatch spoke breathlessly to the policeman.
The policeman looked at the man jumping hysterically, and then at the bus with UFOs painted on it. He hated this route.
Patiently, he answered,“Yes, I’m believe you. But do you mind telling me where yo ugot all that money from? Were you going to assault the identity thief with that? Or were you going to buy your identity back?”
"Listen officer, I am telling the truth. Andthe money is not mine. Its all his,"Nightwatch answered, pointing to the still gaping Zebra.
Presently, Rufus stepped forward. “Let me explain everything officer. On that bus, there is, we fear, an impostor and even a possible murderer. There are people aboard that bus, and if we don’t do something about it, we’ll have more corpses, I fear” he said, biting his tongue on the last sentence.
“More corpses?” the policeman enquired.
He looked at Zebra and motioned him to come forward. Zebra stepped forward and spoke for the first time, “I don’t know anything officer, I just want to meet the owner of the carwash and morgue down the road.”
The policeman’s patience was being stretched to its limit. But this talk of more corpses and morgue down the road and all the money made him pay atention.
“Will all three of you please follow me” he said.
"But officer,…"Nightwatch and Rufus said together.
“NOW” he commanded.
All three obeyed.

Meanwhile, in the bus, the pleasantries completed, Ghanima spoke up, “Look, can we just move along? Its getting late”
"Yeah, we have more people to pick up. Very soon, the traffic will start filling up the highway, and we’ll be stuck here"Brahe said.
“Not to mention, there a cop nearby, and we have a corpse in the storage compartment,” CandidGamera added.

“A what?” glee asked, perking up.

“Uh, nothing” CandidGamera told him, looking uneasy.

glee noticed the latch of the storage compartment was loose, so he pried it open. When he saw the pekerless corpse, he let out a scream that was in parts, scared, astonished, and just freaky. It could be heard for a mile.

Elfkin hit the pedal, and the bus took off like a Ferari.

The scream and the skidding caught policeman’s attention. He was amazed at how fast a bus could take off. But what was the scream.

“Oh no, I hope it is not what I think it is” Nightwatch said, looking pale.
“What do you mean? You know what that was all about?” the policeman asked

Nightwatch rolled his eyes heavenwards,“What have I been saying all along? There is a possible murderer on the bus, officer. And the scream sounded like he got his first victim”. He sounded furious as he spoke.
“Why didn’t you say this before?” the policeman asked, as the other two looked on in disbelief.
“Let’s follow that bus!!” the policmean said. Suddenly, the thought of all that money did not seem too urgent. The idea that he can catch a serial killer could get him on the front pages of all the major newspapers. The fame, the book deals, the women…
“I’ll radio for assistance. Did anybody catch the number of that bus?” he asked
“Its a bus with UFOs painted on it. How many of those can there be?” Nightwatch asked, exasperated.
“Right, I forgot” the policman answered.

Presently, Rufus spoke, “Officer, I know where the party is headed. Perhaps I can be of help”
“Ok, but stay close to me,” the policeman said.

“Are we going ot meet the owner or not?” Zebra spoke out of annoyance.

Rufus and Nightwatch nodded, each thinking that they will hand over Zebra to the killer on the bus. Whoever among them dies, the world will be a beter place, no doubt.
Rufus, Nightwatch and Zebra got into their car and the policman got into his patrol car.

The cars burnt the asphalt as they raded the highway, the silhouette of teh bus began to emerge on the horizon. It was a long way off, but the ywere catching on it gradually. The policeman turned on his siren to warn them.

Elfkin heard the siren of the patrol car before she saw it. Weh she saw the car apporacing, she warned everyone in the car.

“Thats it, we’re done for. Rufus must have blabbed on us.” tick said.
“Maybe we should just stop and explain everything to the offier” elfkin said.

noname spoke up after a long time, “Are you crazy? You’ll get us all in deep trouble. I say you hit the gas”
"Yeah, do that"Brahe said,“Maybe we can lose him. Its not that they can trace us, cos this is not our vehicle in the first place.”

All this made sense to elfkin , and she hit the pedal even harder.

Meanwhile, in the patrol car, the policeman…

…suddenly lost control of his vehicle. It flew off the road and into a ditch. He survived, but resigned from the force and began a second career as a crossing guard in Reno.

Three years later, Rufus and CandidGamera sat in their jail cell and brainstormed business opportunites.

“How about a combination donut shop and carniceria?”, offered Rufus.

“Nah,” said CG, “too ethnic. How about a video-arcade-slash-sea-lion-exhibit?”

“Too noisy,” frowned Rufus. “I’ve got it! How about a combination hotel and movie theater! Everyone’s room could have a picture window that looks out on the movie screen! Like a drive-in movie, but you watch it from a bedroom instead of a car! And order room service!”

CandidGamera was so excited, he leaped to his feet and hit his head on the metal spar of the top bunk. He was knocked unconscious. When he revived, he looked at Rufus and said “what were we talking about?”

Rufus paused, then said “We were talking about what we were going to do when we got out of prison. I was going to stay local and try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. You decided you were going to travel the world, and maybe you’d send me a postcard from Liberia.”

CandidGamera listened to this short speech quietly, rubbing the big and painful lump on his noggin. “Hmmm. Liberia, eh?”