The stupid-ass fuckin' question Hall Of Fame.

The BBQ Pit
81

Ah, bookstore work. My personal favorite dumbass question ever was “Who wrote the Bible? I can’t find it in the Religion section.”

<stare dumbfounded for a moment>

Now, I don’t know when the last time any of you were in a Barnes & Noble, but I think you can appreciate that there is an entire six or seven shelves of Bibles, in various translations, formats, etc. How a person could look through the entire Religion section and not see the huge honkin’ assortment of Torahs, New Jerusalems, King James, Revised Standards, The Books and various other versions?!?

The only thing that I and my coworkers could come up with was, seeing as we were in a very fundamentalist town (Wheaton, IL0, she had only looked in the Christianity section.

Oh, and my first response was to tell her it was written by Yahweh, since the "Y"s would have been supposedly close enough for her to find the Bibles. But, I restrained myself.

82

I used to work for Blockbuster Video here in montreal. Every time the phone rang, we had a little speil to say:

“Hello, Blockbuster video,
Sherbrooke street west,
now with (new movie of the week).
Scott on the line,
Can I help you?”

The top 5 things I’d here after spewing out all that were:

“Is this Blockbuster?”
“Are you on Sherbrooke street west?”
“Do you have (new movie of the week)?”
“Who am I speaking with?”
“I was wondering if you could help me with something?”

Gah!! People never listen!!!

83

‘Do You Work Here?’ is only a stupid question if they’re wearing a clearly distinguishable uniform

84

Oh, dear. My first job was at KFC, and the painful truth is that I DID once ask a customer “here or to go” when he ordered a 15 piece bucket and a 21 piece bucket, as he stood there alone. In my defense, it was like my second day, and the cash register walks you through this little menu where you have to…well, anyway. I just wasn’t able to think ahead that fast yet. Anyway, he gave me a look of amused impatience and I came to my senses quick.

I think it was that same day that I served coffee to a guy, not realizing that they made iced tea in the coffee maker. A batch was brewing in there right then, and what they did was pour it in the tea thing and dilute it 50:50, then add sugar. I had just served hot, double-strength tea to this guy! The really odd thing is, he didn’t say a word about it. Didn’t bring it back or anything. I don’t know if he just decided it wasn’t worth it, or if he really thought our coffee was that bad. It made me think of that quote by Abe Lincoln where he supposedly told a waitress, “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea, but if it is tea, please bring me some coffee.”

85

After tumbling down the stairs on the IRT subway line, the first thing I heard from the crowd of concerned onlookers (New Yorkers are not really a heartless bunch of people who don’t give a damn) was: “Oh my god, did you fall?”

It was a good stupid question, because I was on the verge of bursting into tears until I heard that.

86

I must sheepishly admit that, despite a triple-digit IQ and a college degree, I find the KFC menu rather confusing. I attribute it to poor design and/or insufficient requirements gathering on the part of KFC, however.

87

Back after Desert Storm, some local National Guard troops came back and of course the TV stations covered their arrival. One reporter for WIBW approached a just returned young husband and his wife(who were already in a clinch) and asked “Do you have any plans for this evening?”

One of our movie theaters gives out 50 cent coins as part of their change. I don’t like those so once I collected several Susan B. Anthony dollars and used them to pay for a film. The young clerk turned the coins over and around in his hand and asked “Is this American money?”

88

I hear ya, and yes,people are stoopid, but I must rise to the defense of the theater-going public. In this scenario, the customer is the victim of that bizarre theater-drink-labelling scam. If they really want the medium size, they’re afraid that if they ask for “medium”, the response from brain-dead I’ll-have-to-ask-my-manager-guy (not you, I’m sure) would be “we don’t have medium; we have jumbo, gi-normous & excessive”. So their alternative is to enquire what the secret code at this theater is for “medium”–hence the “what sizes do you have” question.

89

Lexicon, That doesn’t seem like a dumb question. No one says they want to know if it was tested when it was manufactured.

Operating systems come out all together too frequently for most customers, so they are likely to go through at least two if not three on the same machine, if the machine can handle it.

Who is more likely to know if their machine can handle it better than the manufacturer?

They didn’t ask if it was Windows 2000 certified, just if it had been tested for compatibility. Seems like an entirely valid question to me.

-Doug

90

I currently work as a paralegal for an incredibly large corporate law firm which bears absolutely no resemblance to any firm ever written about by John Grisham.

One fine afternoon, I was sitting at my desk working diligently when the phone rang. The caller is a woman, whom we shall call Clueless Cathy. Mind you, I understand all too well how confusing legal issues can be…but this one took the cake.

CC: Hi…uh…I’m looking for the attorney who did my father in law’s will. We’d like to change it.

L: <I pull out the firm directory and start leafing towards the estate planning section> All right. I’m in real estate, but if you can give me the name of the attorney who did the will, I’ll give you the extension so you’ll have it and transfer you over to them. Okay?

CC: <pauses> Well, I don’t know the attorney’s name.

L: <freezes in mid page-turn> Do you possibly have a copy of the will to look at? The attorney’s name would be on that.

CC: <an even longer pause> Well, no, I don’t. Can you tell me the names of your attorneys? Maybe one will sound familiar.

L: Ma’am, I’d like to help you, but we have over 400 attorneys who work here. Would your father-in-law happen to remember the name of the attorney who did the will for him? Even the last name would work.

CC: Uh, no, I can’t ask him. Oh, wait! I remember the name now! <name changed but similar> Dennis Burnhard! That was it!

L: <considerably heartened, starts leafing through the directory, only to find…> Ma’am, we don’t have an attorney of that name working for us. These are all the names that are similar. <I read off 5 or 6> These are the names of the attorneys in the estate planning section. <I read those off> Do any of those sound familiar?

CC: <annoyed> No, I’m telling you, it was Dennis Burnhard.

L: Well, ma’am, we don’t have a Dennis Burnhard working for us right now. Tell you what, though, if you can give me your father-in-law’s last name, I’ll run it through a client search and see if I can find it in the system, okay?

CC: Uh…well, I don’t remember it. Just give me Dennis Burnhard’s number. Or if you can’t give me that, can you tell me who did my father-in-law’s will?

<At this point, I’m wondering just what mindreading school she thought I went to. She won’t even give me the guy’s name and she wants to know if I can figure out who did the *(&# will?? However, I get the big bucks for being able to handle clients, sooooo…>

L: <patiently> Ma’am, we do not have a Dennis Burnhard working for the firm at the present time. As far as your last question goes – I really can’t do a client search without a name to look for. Are you sure that he got his will done through this firm?

CC: Well, no, actually, I think he had it done by a firm in <names a city on the other side of the state>, but I thought you could look it up for me. Maybe you can answer my question, anyway.

L: <stifling a sigh with heroic self-control> I’m not an attorney, ma’am, and I work in real estate, not estate planning, and if our firm didn’t do the will, I’m not sure if anyone here could help you much…but I’ll do my best.

CC: If you don’t like someone’s will, can you change it for them? I don’t think the old b***d is leaving us enough.

L: <still patiently> No, ma’am. You can’t change someone else’s will. He can change it, though.

CC: Oh, he can’t do that, he’s dead. I just thought that if I could get hold of this Dennis Burnhard guy that he would change the will for us…

Oi!!

However, Sara, take heart; the legal field’s the best I’ve ever been in and the cush factor at a big firm is wonderful.

91

One of my first jobs out of high school was at good ol’ Sears, where I decided a) EVERYbody should be required to have a service job (e.g., salesclerk, waitress) for at least two weeks to teach 'em good manners, with refresher courses every five years, and b) people ask the stupidest questions!

The one which always boggled me most was, “Is the store open?”
Gee, lady, the door was unlocked so’s ya could walk in, and there are all these clerks standing around–what do YOU think?

“Hardware is in the basement, sir.”
“In the basement? You go upstairs??”
(OK, this was Albuquerque, so maybe he can be excused for not knowing the location of a rare building feature.)

“These are the special sale shirts, ma’am.”
“Oh. Do you have any which are better, only cheaper?”
(If we did, I’d beat you to it!)

'Course I always particularly loved the request, “May I see your underwear?”
A view from the other side:
While on a bus trip from London to Edinburgh, I bought supper in a bus depot cafeteria (which, from its looks, might regularly have been infested with hordes of Vikings chanting the virtues of spam.) I ordered a Number 4, steak and kidney pie with veg and a fried egg; but, I requested, “no egg, please.”

“It cooms wi’ uh egg,” came the brusque reply.

“Yes, I know, but I don’t want the egg. Just don’t give me one.”

“It cooms wi’ uh egg.”

“Look, I certainly will pay the full amount, but all I want is a Number 4 with NO FRIED EGG. I do not like eggs, I will not eat the egg, I will throw the egg directly into the trash. Why waste the egg? Just don’t cook the egg, give give me the steak & kidney pie and the veg but NOT the egg!, and I will pay the whole bill, just as if there WERE an egg.”

“It cooms wi’ uh egg.”

All right, all right; I gave in. The mindlessly stubborn robot did not pass the order on to a cook: she stepped over to the grill and fried the damn egg herself!, after which she determinedly plopped it atop the steak and kidney pie, rang up the bill, and thrust the Number 4 platter into my waiting hands. We then exchanged hostile glares as I determinedly and pointedly scraped thuh egg into the garbage can.

The phrase has now become enshrined as our family’s comment on experiencing the behaviour of morons unencumbered by the thinking process.
Now, about this broken coffee cup holder on my computer…

92

A-men! The other day, I ordered a large Coke. The guy (thankfully) said “Are you sure you want a large?” So I said "Why? How big is a large? He pulls out this 55-gallon-drum of a paper cup. It looked like it was gonna collapse under its own weight. I must have looked really bug-eyed at this huge cup, because he laughed and said “a medium, then?” I could only nod.

And the worst, of course, is Starbucks:

Green Bean: A large coffee, please.
Starbucks clerk: What kind of coffee?
GB: I dunno. Regular coffee.
C (looking irritated): Well, what kind of regular coffee?
GB: What are my choices?
C (rolling eyes and gesturing toward the sign which is, in fact, in plain sight): Sumatra Mandheling, Kenya AA, Fucknut Delight, and Fairydust Blend.
GB: Which is the most like regular coffee?
C: Fairydust Blend.
GB: Okay, Fairydust Blend, then.
C: What size?
GB: Large.
C: We don’t have large.
GB: Okay, what do you have?
C: Lanky, Rigatoni, and Michelangelo.
GB: Which is the biggest?
C: Michelangelo.
GB: Okay, a Michelangelo.
C: So you want a Michelangelo Fairydust Blend?
GB: YES!!
C: That will be $4.53

I flippin’ hate Starbucks.

93

Phrogge: You should’ve scraped the egg onto the counter and then when the local fuzz arrive, your defense is:

[/quote]
But, officer; the number four didn’t come with a flippin’ waste bin for the flippin’ egg!
[/quote]

94

Does Phrogge’s encounter remind anybody else of Jack Nicholson in Five Easy Peices?

95

yeah, i know the op was “stupid questions”, but i see we’ve veered off slightly.

i went to the bank with my store’s deposit the other day.
it’s like, 500 bucks, some checks, and 58 cents.
i go to the drive-thru with the drawer that slides out to you, not the vaccu-suck system.

i put the envelope containing the deposit into said drawer, and the teller pulls it in, dumps out the contents, and then tells me she can’t accept coins thru the drive-thru.
i point out that she already did, and if she’s not allowed to send coins thru, then she can’t send them back to me, can she?

she argues that it’s bank policy, blah, blah, blah.
i to back to the point that she’s already got the dangerous coins (2 quarters, a nickel, 3 pennies) inside, and i’m not moving until she processes the damn deposit.

this goes on for an eternity, ( maybe 1.04 full minutes) until she gives in.

I could see her talking to her co-workers, obviously telling them what an asshole (guilty) i am.

for any stupid people who got here accidently:

ROLLED coins are heavy. they can cause the carrier to get stuck somewhere in the tube systems. removal cost: lots.

or - the carrier slams to a stop inside and the ancient paper wrappers you used to roll your life savings in burst open on impact. result: big pile-o-change.

neither of these situations are encountered when you open an envelope with FIVE FUCKING COINS IN IT!

i have to go take my thorazine now.

“I see the outpaitents are out in force tonight”
Prof. Tom Lehrer

96

That pollster Q: “Do you believe in UFOs?”

no, no, everyone in history has been quite able to positively identify every Flying Object they’ve ever seen. people know their objects, dammit. for example, i’m pretty sure that the object currently flying through the air in front of me is your bruised body – chalk up another IFO.

97

Yelled from the other end of the store:
“What’s the difference between the regular tea tree oil and the tea tree oil with lavender?”
About the “do you work here?” thing:

I don’t wear a uniform or any identifying buttons, but I spend a lot of time obviously working. One time I’m standing on a stepladder, taking product out of a box and putting it neatly on the shelf. Man walks up and asks me you know what. I look at him, then at the shelf, then at him again. He reads my look. Nicely, intelligently, somewhat sheepishly, he explains that he thought I might possibly work for a supplier providing a shelf-stocking service. Since then, I’ve cut people a little more slack on this question, even though I know most of them have no such thought in their heads.

98

  1. “Did that hurt?”

  2. “Does this make me look fat?”

99

OK, this isn’t so much as a stupid QUESTION, but a stupid REQUEST.
When I was an undergrad, I was the pizza guy. Now, running into dumb customers was no rarity, but this…
I brought an order to a middle-aged couple, both of whom were obviously SHITFACED. After COACHING the guy part of the couple on which of the three checks he saw was the one to sign, he slurred, “Here’s a ten. Can you go get us a bottle of vodka?”
It gets better. You see, I’m kind of YOUNG looking. I’m 34, and I still get carded regularly. At the time, I was 19, and could have passed for 14…and, remember, he wants me to BUY.
Off the subject…Blornx, one time I saw the Goodyear blimp, head-on, at night…UFO indeed! For 30 seconds, I thought the aliens were landing… :slight_smile:

100

I love these questions. What I love even more is those who explain why certain questions are perfectly reasonable. That’s great…simply beautiful. :slight_smile:

This question isn’t very stupid but it’s SO annoying. I have chemistry class at the same time as this other girl. By the time I’m in chemistry, I have already been to my anatomy and physiology class. She hasn’t had anatomy yet, but she goes directly to anatomy from chemistry. Every day in chemistry she asks in this incredibly shrill voice, “Whadda we do in anatomy today?” Because she can’t wait an effin six minutes to find out??? Ugh! Eventually, I stopped answering in complete sentences. It’s sort of a game now to see how little syllables I can use to respond.

Also, every day she asks my friend and me for gum. EVERY DAY. Now, if she asked once in a while, I would understand. But seriously, if she asks every day, wouldn’t you think she would realize that she could purchase her own gum for a very small fee? Gee whiz.

ALSO, whenever we have an assignment, she always asks me what I got as the answers. So it comes off as wanting to check her answers. That’s fine. But then she’s like “Oh… I got THIS for an answer and I think it’s right,” and then she proceeds to explain how to get the answer. Sorry…if I wanted help, I would have asked for it. If she already knows the answer, then why is she asking me for it? Methinks she just wants to appear smarter than me. Fool!

This girl will be the end of me.