The stupidest thing I've ever done to myself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

One lovely 4th of July duing the process of opening a box of sparklers (the new kind that have bamboo sticks not the metal kind) I managed to open the box and impale my right thumb with a splintered off sparkler stick.

Having a rather high threshold for pain I stood there looking at it and just handed the box of now opened sparklers to my little brother. I walked over to my father and showed him my thumb and the priceless “what the fuck?” expression came across his face. I just meandered over to the host of the party and asked if I could use his bathroom, and showed him my thumb…

another priceless line followed.

“sure as long as you dont get any blood on my carpet”

nodding ok we walked into the house and headed to the bathroom. By the way he did have rather nice new white carpet, and no I did not get any blood on it. :slight_smile:

At first I thought I could get a grip on the remainder of the stick and just yank it out with my left hand. No such luck. Tried my teeth… still no dice. So I kindly asked the owner of the home to yank it out for me.

1.2. (YANK) 3

not much pain, and not much blood either. Apparently I managed to miss the vain. Yay me.

I just sat down with my thumb wrapped in tissue paper sipping on a coke to regain my bloodsugar.

I thought the whole thing was funny, my gf at the time did not.

oh well

-x out

42

So many memories…many of them repressed.
Once I was taking off my sweater, in a big hurry for some reason, and I did the “cross arms in front, grab sides of shirt, whip it over the head” routine. I was wearing a necklace with a pendant on it and when I whipped the sweater up, the chain went flying up, whipping the pendant into my eye which, in turn, scratched my cornea.

When I was a kid, I had learned the art of riding with no hands and was coolly demonstrating my skill when I hit a pot hole in the sidewalk causing my body to jolt forward. My foot got caught in the spokes of the front wheel and I ended up flat on my face with the bike on my back. And just to make matters worse, I look up to see my neighbor, a boy a few years older than me, staring in disbelief. Yep, pretty cool I was.

One of my favorites though was in high school gym class. We were doing floor gymnastics and I came up with the idea of doing a handstand into a forward roll. I went up into the handstand, brought my arms down to go into the forward roll but forgot to tuck my knees up into my chest. As I came out of the roll, my knees somehow whipped back and one of them got me smack dab in the nose. They heard the crack across the gym. I had broken my nose with my own knee.

It’s tough when your body parts are at odds with each other. Hope yours are able to call a truce, Biggirl

43

I was a teenager mowing the lawn on a hot summer’s day. I was wearing a swimsuit; the plan was to cool off I’d hop in and out of the pool.

I was alone, and knew all about the dangers of swimming alone, so I was careful to ensure that this story I am relating is not an “almost drowned” story.

The second time I jumped in the pool, I’d noticed I’d brought in a lot of grass (from mowing near the pool, and from emptying the mower, and being wet the cut grass sticks to one easily).

So, I thought it’d be easy to get the skimmer net and take care of this floating grass right quick, before it got sucked up into the pool pump. So I went over to this rather old pool pump, dripping wet, and reached down blindly, in a blasé manner to shut off the 220vac timer-style switch, with the semi-exposed wire contacts.

Then I whipped around, wondering who’d struck me on the shoulder with that sledgehammer. I count myself rather lucky.

AmbushBug

44

Back in High School, my circle of friends would eat lunch together. One of my friends had a can of tuna and we’d been watching him struggle with it for over five minutes. Finally I asked him to hand it over. He extended the can to me, but I didn’t take it.

Being the ultra-suave dude that I was, I passed my sandwich to my left hand, reached over, and ripped off the top, almost completely severing my right thumb from the last knuckle up in the process.

I never did play the zither after that (of course, I never did before :D), an I’ve got a wicked scar that I can still feel the scar tissure deep in the thumb when I run my fingers over.

45

I once bought a rubber crutch tip to use as padding on the end of something that I now can’t remember. Anyway, the skirt of the crutch tip was a little too long so I unwrapped a brand new, single edge, safety razor blade and proceeded to carefully and accurately cut around the skirt making sure I was cutting nice and straight. Then I looked down at the floor and noticed that considerable blood was dripping. I had unknowingly sliced right through the side of a finger.

46

Picture Bad News Baboon, new to San Francisco.

I found this park that was relatively flat, so I was excited to use my new roller blades. I strap them on and start skating.

“Oh this is so much fun! so nice and flat.”

and then, it became an insanely steep hill.

Picture Bad News Baboon, going faster and faster with arms a’ flaying.
Picture the crowd of people staring at the impending doom.
Faster, Faster, dodging rocks, and I finally see the bottom of the hill.

2 feet before I get there, the tinest pebble known to man gets lodged in my left wheel.

At this point it was all in slow motion, much like the six million dollar man.
Mr Baboon said I looked like one of the cavemen Gary larson draws… my mouth the perfect “O” shape.

I had the nastiest, biggest road rash ever. Luckily, I didn’t break a thing!
another brilliant thing I did was buy some lavender scented incense.

“oh, it smells lovely!”
I lean in to get a better whiff.

ahh ahhhhhh ahhhhh chooooo!

My head jerks forward, causing a lovely round burn spot on my nose.

I didn’t know which was worse: letting people assume it was the zit from hell or have them know how stupid I was.

47

Neither of these even compete, sadly, but they’re all I got:

1: When I was 12 or 13 or so, I got the bright idea that it’d be cool to balance standing on the porch swing. (I was getting in touch with my inner ninja, I think.) I stood up on it, balanced fine for a couple seconds, then shifted my weight. The swing immediately found a new orientation in its chains, pitching me off, and my head went CRACK! against the concrete after an, oh, eight foot distance or so. I have no earthly idea how I managed to avoid anything other than headaches over the next couple days.

2: In an extremely non-sober state in early college years, I was performing my impression of The Searcher (from the late, lamented Danger Theater–great show). Part of that impression involved vaulting over a ratty old easy chair instead of walking around it (it was, my chemically-bathed brain reasoned, the faster and more entertaining way towards more liquor. The chair tipped over (this seems to be a theme), and I landed in a way that caused the toes on my left foot to briefly fold back to lie flat over the top of my foot. It was months before I stopped feeling residual soreness in them.

48

I got a shiner opening my car door. On Monday!!!

Got out of the car, closed the door, realized I forgot something (as usual), opened door, noticed somebody pulling in next to me. Didn’t notice I was still opening car door right were my face was waiting. The edge of the door got me right beneath my left eye. Ow! How the heck did that happen?

49

I was at work, doing my usual thing (feet up on the desk, reading a book) when something occured that actually needed my attention.

I had been sitting slouched in the chair. My butt was half on/half off the edge of the chair. I had been reading in that position for well over an hour.

I bounced up, full of purpose. My legs, apparently, had fallen asleep and I hadn’t noticed. They were numb, completely numb, from the mid-thigh down.

I collapsed in a heap. I had sprained the hell out of my ankle somehow in the process.

My brother still gives me crap for my “Reading injury”.

50

I must have been about 10, one hot summer, with my younger sister hanging out at a friend’s house. Our friends had a swimming pool, and we were just messing around, as kids do. I wondered what would happen if I slipped the inflatable arm bands around my ankles and jumped in. Well, fortunately everyone was watching me and managed to haul me out. 27 years on, and I can still remember the sensation of my feet whipping past my face and and seeing all these faces looking through the water at me.

More recently, and I still have no idea how I did this, I was pulling a pair of tights on and somehow attempted to lift both legs at the same time. I had serious carpet burns on my knees for weeks.

51

I was visiting a friend who lived in a small cottage. We were watching a film on tv when the adverts came on. I went to find the bathroom, and just as I finish, I hear a call from the lounge that the film’s started again. I sprint back to the lounge but don’t notice that the doorframes in this house are a lot smaller than I’m used to, and, being a tall chap, I catch the top of the foorframe with me head, my legs flip up from under me with the momentum I have from running and I sail horizontally, unconscious, straight onto the sofa! Much the the amazement of my friends!

52

I do kenpo karate, and I was messing around with my nunchakus at home a couple of years ago, trying to look mildly impressive in the mirror.

My brother came into the room, and suprised me by shouting “Hey cool, can I have a go?”. I turned round when I heard him, nunchakus still flailing wildly infront of me. I stopped concentrating, and managed to hit myself extremely hard in the nuts. I swore amazingly loud, and in a fit of rage at my own stupidity, did one final angry swing with the nunchakus. This was also stupid, and although it briefly settled my rage, I managed to hit myself on the back of the head, and fell to the floor, not out cold but incredibly dizzy and not entirely concious.

My brother, the bastard, did nothing 'cept laugh and walk off.

That hurt a lot, now I practice with them wearing a box (cup) and only when I’m alone in the house.

53

When I was thirteen I was cutting an apple when I decided that the knife I was using wasn’t efficient. So I got a butcher knife, it slipped, and sliced my index finger open pretty deep.

54

I was leaving a sushi restaurant with 2 friends of mine. Not paying attention, I step half-on-sidewalk-half-in-flowerbed. I go ass over tea-kettle into a very large bush, hitting my head on the bumper of my car and severly spraining my ankle.

This leaves me dazed from hitting my head and in a jumpled pile with my dress over my head, my butt up in the air, and half my town seeing my bright purple undies. (and I’m fat and old and it was NOT a pretty sight.)

And this happend last month. My hubby, when told about my “way-to-go Grace” moment only asked if I had damaged the car. ahhhhh true love!

55

I think this calls for a new reality show on the Lifetime network:

When Boobies Attack!

:: D&R ::

56

Witty’s nunchaku incident reminded me of a particular Hallowe’en some years ago, when my friends and I were particularly into Ninja Power. This is not the incident where I managed to floor a friend of mine playing ninja with a pool cue, but rather the sad case of a fellow who was unable to count to eight reliably.

This Hallowe’en, as tradition dictated, we were shooting Roman Candles around, bouncing them off the streets and generally voiding the warranties on our hands. My brilliant friend, the one with the mathematics deficiency, decides his Candle is spent and begins his Ninja Power routine, whipping the empty cardboard tube about himself and making silly Ninja Power noises. Ninjas can throw fireballs, right? This once, they could.

The fireball shot out, fortunately away from the group, unfortunately into the open window of a car full of Big Mean College Students that had just pulled up at the stop sign across the street. We were very fortunate that said genius makes an excellent Pitiful Whiny Helpless Child Voice; they let us off with only a verbal reminder of our mortality.

57

In high school I was hanging out in the bandroom office before class, sitting around while everyone was talking. Someone had left a nine-volt battery on a table next to me. I remembered licking them when I was young, and you’d get a sour metallic taste in your mouth. God knows what I was doing to myself, but it was cool at the time. So I consciously think, “I wonder what’ll happen if I put this up to my braces?”

Electrocuting your teeth (full of silver fillings) is ALWAYS a bad idea.

58

LMAO!!

Actually, I did almost exactly what you describe here when I was about 15. I used to have a bra with no hooks, the band was just all one piece, so I had to put it on over my head. Only, the elastic on the bodice was really, really strong stuff.

One morning I put it on while laying in bed, got it about halfway on, with my elbow in the side of the elastic…

When the tensile strength of the elastic defeated my puny strength and I punched myself alongside the jaw.

Had a huge bruise there for about two weeks, now THAT was really fun to explain.

59

Ack! You just reminded me of something. Not of breakdancing, but of flashdance.

Remember the cut up sweatshirt Jennifer Beals wears in the movie? Well, I went to pick up my paycheck at my job at the time, wearing one pretty much like it.

A friend and coworker was there also picking up his paycheck. He and his adorable dog. I bent over and starting baby talking his dog, who in a typically doggie fashion stood up and put his paws on my shoulders, which were bare because of the shirt.

The dogs paws slipped off my shoulders, hooked in the shirt and pulled the shirt to my waist baring my braless self.

The dog owner’s only comment? “Good Dog”!!

60

Picture the scene: One female 1st-degree black belt hanging out after class on a Saturday with a 3rd- and 4th- degree blackbelt. Both male. Picture us more or less playing around. Picture 4th degree senior instructor do this cool demo technique where you more or less pole-vault with a bo staff and combine it with a flying sidekick. Now imagine - I neglect to realize three very important factors. One - He is fourth degree, and can jump like no one else I’ve ever seen. Two - he has a bamboo bo staff, which is very strong and very flexible. Three - I’m fourteen (at the time) and severely lacking in common sense.

About three fee above the floor, I hear a cracking. Realize that I have a toothpick bo, which is skinny and light but not very strong. It’s been described as the most horrifyingly amazing act of plummeting to the ground.

Ever need to explain how, exactly, you managed to impale your hand on a three-foot peice of wood?