I’m genuinely curious about one thing in regards to the women’s shelters. Doesn’t the shelter also require the children to get their shots?
The OP and his wife have gone well above and beyond the call of duty. The only thing left to do is to take other posters’ advice: call DCFS to save the tykes.
Slee, you guys did your best. You can’t do any more than that. Good on you and Mrs. Slee.
You guys are right to step back. It’s out of your hands now.
Thanks everyone.
We heard through the grapevine that step daughter is trying to get back to S.C. That would be a stupid thing to do.
My prediction: step daughter goes back to S.C. and hooks back up with VA. The state hears about this and the kids are put in foster care.
However, it doesn’t matter. We are done with the foolishness. Either step daughter will get her shit together or she won’t. She obviously doesn’t want our help.
Slee
You’re right, man. There is nothing you can do.
Some people are fuck ups. It’s just something broken in the brain.
If her children are lucky, they will be taken away.
Reviving this.
So my wife has been talking to her daughter some. We stopped doing very much because of the stupidity. Basically, if mail showed up I’d drop it off on my way to work.
Well my wife called me at work. Step daughter is apparently going to get kicked out of the women’s shelter. Apparently they have a system where if you do something wrong you get written up. 5 write ups and you are out.
We talked to her on Sunday and she had 4. And, in the usual fashion, none of them were her fault. Everything bad is because someone else did something. I tried explaining that a) she was setting herself up for this and b) YOU CANNOT SCREW UP AGAIN!
She screwed up again. Now she has 5. So she is getting kicked out of the shelter.
Le sigh. I am seriously starting to hate people.
She won’t be staying with us. I have no idea what she is going to do. Step daughter needs to grow the hell up and any effort put in by anyone to help her just ends up enabling her to continue to be the stupidest person on the fucking planet.
On top of this, my wife had a friend who was going to be in town. He was going to join the military and wanted to stay on our couch for a week. We will call him Jackass.
My wife said yes. I met Jackass a couple times before this and he seemed reasonable. My wife has known the family for like 20 years.
Well, Jackass shows up and has a female friend in tow. Instead of joining the military it turned into ‘find a job and a trailer’. (On a totally unrelated note, the female friend is like 20 years older than Jackass. He is roughly 28, she is late 40s) 1 week turned into 5 weeks. They left today, thank god. But… (and you knew a but was coming, didn’t you)
They broke our loveseat. My wife went to clean behind it and the top recliner part is all lose and jacked up, the paint behind the loveseat is damaged and will need repainting and there is a metal piece sticking out of the top of the loveseat.
I didn’t have a chance to really look at it as I had to get to work. However it is broken and I will end up having to fix it.
I texted jackass pictures of the damage. What did I get back? ‘I know, your wife told me’ and that is it. No ‘Oh my go, I am so sorry!’. No ‘Holy crap. We will get it fixed!’.
I am just done with this shit. So is my wife.
Slee
When it rains, it freaking pours, doesn’t it? You and your wife sound like very kind people. You are right not to take the step daughter back in enough is enough and as you said, enabling her doesn’t help the situation. Jackass and his friend sound exactly like that, jackasses. It is really lousy of them to not pay for damages. You need to believe that you and your wife have some good coming to you. You both certainly deserve it. I also really hope the stepdaughter and the kids wind up in a good place.
Those poor, poor kids.
Slee, I think it’s safe to say you and your wife have met your “Nice” quota and then some.
You and your wife could be total assholes for the rest of your life and no one would be able to blame you for it.
Now, for the love of Og, stop being nice to people and start living a happy life. You and your family deserve it.
This sentence proves you know of the word “No”. Use it more often. In a pre-emptive capacity.
And maybe get rid of the couch. It seems to be a pest attractant.
While you’re at it, get rid of your house numbers.
So, an update. Just 'cause sometimes shit in life is so absolutely stupid you have to share.
So step daughter got moved to the other wing of the woman’s shelter. In this wing, you can be there from 6:30 pm to 7 a.m., the rest of the time you have to be out.
That lasted until today. She got kicked out and has until Saturday to leave. She, supposedly, saw a fight and pulled out her phone to record it. Recording in the shelter is against the rules.
So the wife is calling other shelters 'cause step daughter isn’t coming to live with us.
Slee
I’m often very grateful I live 3,000 miles away from my family; I have two siblings who suck people dry with their unending, self-created traumas.
You sound like a really nice, mentally strong guy.
Just a question: is it possible step-daughter has any warrants or may be carrying drugs/other illegal things on her person? If she were to be arrested the kids would be taken for at least a short time . . .
Really sorry for your experiences, and I applaud attempting to help others - BUT… apparently your wife ISN’T done trying to help/fix her dtr/grandkids. And, w/ everything you’ve had on your plates, what were you thinking about letting some lout sleep on the couch - even for a week? When he showed up with someone in tow, a possible response might have been, sorry, good luck finding a place.
Don’t mean to be overly harsh. But from this side of the computer, it seems like you and your wife are letting folk negatively impact your life, and just getting madder and more frustrated. I don’t know what I’d do if a friend/relative repeatedly fucked up and fucked me over like you describe, but I sure hope I would respect myself and my wife enough to say, “Sorry, no. Best of luck.” I think there can come a time at which you just need to write someone off, as hard as that may be to do.
I agree that 99% of everything else you describe your stepdaughter doing in this thread was wrong, but in this instance I don’t think she was necessary wrong. Recording a fight - perhaps for subsequent evidence purposes - isn’t the same as being, say, a peeping Tom, and ISTM that the shelter was being unnecessarily legalistic here. Not that it makes a practical difference, now that she’s being kicked out.
I’m assuming the stepdaughter was screwing up and breaking so many rules that it wasn’t just the recording. (IF the OP was even being told the real reason…)
Congrats to the OP for every “No” said by him or his wife. And for still having a wife – my marriage would not have survived this.
Velocity, the rules are no recording anywhere. She broke the rules. The correct answer if there is a fight is to go get someone in charge, not record it. And the shelter has cameras everywhere except the bedrooms and bathrooms. Additionally, knowing step daughter, it is entirely possible that she is lying.
Dinsdale, the lout was a friend of my wife’s for like 20 years and he was always cool until now. He stayed on the couch a couple times in the past and there was never a problem. In fact t, in the past he went out of his way to be helpful when he stayed here. Not sure what changed this time around but it won’t happen again.
And the wife is done helping step daughter. The problem is the grandkids. If it we’re just step daughter we’d be saying ‘That was stupid, better figure something out.’ However with the kids that isn’t really possible. It is running 110 during the day and 85 at night out here right now. Also, I misstated things. The wife made a list of shelters and texted it to step daughter, she didn’t call. So it was ‘here is a list of places to call, better get on it.’
If she can’t find a place I suspect the next option is to get social services involved for the kids. Of course that is the nuke the relationship forever option. The last resort.
Our help for step daughter is now limited to making suggestions. Things like ‘Get a job. Call another shelter.’. And we are wayyyy past getting mad/upset about things.
Jennshark, she isn’t on drugs. Just choosing to be very, very stupid.
Slee
Sounds like there isn’t much of a relationship now, & there are little kids who need to be protected. I hate to say this, but that’s the call you should make.
I have no idea how to help people that screwed up. I wound up having to walk away from my homeless brother simply because it was too bad.
I’m sorry, it must really bother your wife. I can’t image having to deal with that myself.
I do wonder though if even making a list of shelters is counter productive. With my brother we had to simply let go of everything. Let him make all the mistakes on his own. Any sort of help just delayed the inevitable because it keep hope alive in him that if he said the right thing, either my mother or I would do something.
Like I said, I don’t know, just offering a suggestion which may or may not work.
Again, good luck. You are closest to the situation, so you know best how you wish to proceed. I acknowledge the kids make things more difficult. I know they say blood is thicker than water, but there is a point at which that isn’t enough. From what you say, the kids are - um - already showing some problematic behavior. Not shocking given their parents and experiences. I’m no pediatrician/psychologist, but there is only so much negativity that you and your wife can counter as non-custodial grandparents.
Again, you have my sympathy. And it sounds as tho you are decent people trying to do what is right for everyone - including yourselves. Just remember that, every time you think you are being overly harsh, there are some folk out there who might counsel you to be even harsher. Saying “No” can be hard, but be strong.